Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My Butt's So Big, It's Been Bedazzled

I have admittedly gained back all the weight I lost from taking fat crack a couple years ago. It was nice bein' thinner and all, but damn, I love to eat and without fat crack, I do eat.......a lot. It's like my favorite past time. There's this restaurant down the street from us that has the BEST crabcake sandwich EVER (I love me some crabcakes! If I were ever to get my knuckles tattooed they'd say Crab Cake) and some very delicious calamari and I will put all of it right into my belly. I mean I might be about to barf half way through eating it all, but I know it won't be even half as good if I take it home and microwave it later. Plus, there's starving kids in Ethiopia so I can't let them just throw it away!

Bein' chubby definitely has it's upside. Like I've said before, I can do one helluva truffle shuffle. If I fall (which I tend to do every now and again), I have plenty of cushion to keep my bones safer. I'm very cuddly and soft like a marshmallow AND I would be much harder to kidnap. That's some pretty good advantages if you ask me!

HOWEVER, I have recently come across the very ugly downside of bein' chubby. EVERYTHING IS FREAKIN' BEDAZZLED or in the most hideous pattern you've ever freakin' seen. I mean seriously y'all, C'MON! As if most fat women aren't self conscience enough, you gotta go makin' clothes that say hey "Look at my fat ass....it's been BEDAZZLED" or "Hey, I totally have a front butt and you can't miss it because this awesome bold print shirt I'm sportin' draws your attention right to it!"

Luckily for me I'm not quite big enough to shop the women's section where you can find all these fanatic bold prints, but I'm close enough to where I've started lookin'. I did however recently buy myself a size 15 (oh god) jeans in the junior section at Target and the damned pockets have been freakin' bedazzled! I'm not kiddin'! BEFREAKIN'DAZZLED! I have no ass....none (as I mentioned before in my post about butt panties), and now you gotta go and bedazzle the pockets of my freakin' jeans so when the light hits that little studs just right it'll get all blingy and make everybody in the room look at my bedazzled flat ass. Thanks.


Stitchblade said...

HA! I love yer bedazzled ass!

Stitchblade said...

Check this out for more pics of Ms Retro Model: http://hellojobi.blogspot.com/

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