Tuesday, December 29, 2009

BEST Christmas Present EVER

Not only do I love my mama wolf cat Christmas present (she even has little teets!).....so does our dog.

I'm cryin'. Tears. Down my face.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Three Days Left

...and I'm finally in the Christmas spirit. I've only been partially there, then for a minute there, I was totally NOT there. I wanted to burn Christmas down to the ground. I had to force it on myself. I had to blare Christmas music in the car and sing it really, really loud......fist pumpin' and all.

I had to get over how much those stupid fuckin' reindeer antlers people are puttin' on their cars piss me off. Then we went to see Christmasy stuff at Stone Mountain. That did the trick. Hundreds of thousands of Christmas lights'll always do the trick. I don't know what it is about colorful, shiny, sparkly shit, but it always makes me happy.


So, I've finally come around......and there's only three days left. Only THREE days! NOOOOOOO!!!! I need more! I call do over. Rewind. Back that shit up. I got a lot of obnoxious Christmasy behavior to pack into a small amount of time. Maybe I should go buy myself an awesome Christmas sweater. I don't get these "ugly sweater" parties people are havin'. Ugly? Psht......fuckin' awesome's more like it.

Maybe I should go buy myself some reindeer antlers. Not the kind you put on your car (no matter how Christmasy I may be feelin', that shit's totally for douche bags), but the kind you put on your head.

Ok, so that's takin' things a bit far, but dang.....I gotta make it up somehow. Any suggestions?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Stupid.

I haven't been writing lately. I haven't been answerin' my phone or respondin' to emails a whole lot either.....I know. I've been busy tryin' to build a time machine so I could slow down time and actually enjoy the holidays. So far, it hasn't worked. Stupid time machine.

Everything seems to be in fast forward around Christmas time and I hate it. I can't seem to slow things down and enjoy it all. I decorated the house early. Got the presents wrapped and under the tree early. Everything certainly looks festive, but I just ain't feelin' it. Stupid time all goin' by too fast.

I really feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. It's been building for months now and I've been pretty successful at stavein' it off. Hopefully I can keep it up, but it's gettin' harder and harder. Is this what depression is?!?!? If it is, stupid depression.

My house is a mess. Everything from my basement is STILL in my dining room from the flood.....or in our case floods....and you know how you just feel better in a neat clean place? Stupid torrential rain.

I'm afraid if I start movin' the bigger awkward things back down, I'll end up takin' a head first spill down the stairs. Every time I think about doin' it, I just think there ain't no way I can move all that heavy shit that everything else goes on without me fallin' down the stairs. Stupid wonky ass fallin' down problem.

Yeah...I fall. Like all the time. Just this mornin' as a matter of fact. There's leaves all over our drive way. Wet, nasty leaves. I was all walkin' along and then ffftttt.....feet came out from underneath me and I was on the driveway. Awesome. I just sat there for a minute and cried. Yep....meltdown....it's comin'....I can feel it. I didn't cuss. I didn't scream at the leaves for bein' stupid....I just sat there and cried. Stupid wet fuckin' leaves on the driveway. Stupid driveway.

Here's the problem.....I've been really, really lonely these days despite the fact that people are always around. One very important person just ain't around anymore.....even when he's in the same room as me, he just ain't there. My mostest bestest friend......M....I....A......and I have no control over it. None. Take control away from a control freak and that's a sure fire meltdown.

I've soaked in everyone's depressin' ass bullshit so much these days that I'm just barely managin' my own bullshit. I'm on bullshit overload. I'd really just like to disappear for a little while and come back when things are better.

You make your own happiness and you make your own misery. It's gettin' harder and harder to make happy and that's just stupid.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Changes

I ain't so good at change. I hate change. Change makes me panic.

On that note, I'm about to make a pretty big change.......for me anyways. I'm gonna be leavin' blogger soon for my own .com. I'm nervous. I'm totally freakin' out. It's the unknown and I don't do unknown. Hell, I can't even figure out unknown!

You ever feel totally retarded when it comes to computer stuff? I do. All the time. Totally retarded. I can't figure out shit. Even the most minute change can leave me a droolin' mess on the floor. Luckily, I have Brandy. She can do anything....I mean ANYTHING. She's always helped me with all my computer issues. You need retarded help with website/blog stuff....she's your lady. You need a website/blog built.....she's your lady. She's gonna help me build my new blog and even host it for me. Host? What does that even MEAN!?!? I dunno, but luckily she does.

I'm freakin' out over this, but she said do it, so I am. Well, mostly she's gonna be the one doin' it, but I'm gonna be in there somewhere.

What if I forget to pay the domain name when it's time too? How are all my followers gonna follow me now? How will I follow all the people I follow? How will I maintain a website? Can I still track visitors? Do I delete my blog at blogspot? I'll have ANOTHER password to remember!

Oh sweet jesus.......I think I just busted a vein.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Yeah, Weird....I Dunno

I saw an itsy-bitsy bug walkin' on the bathroom floor this mornin' all wobbly and shit and thought, "wow, he must be blind and deaf....or drunk". On closer inspection, it was just a piece of fuzz.


I was lockin' my front door once and sneezed.....a piece of carrot came flyin' out my nose, hit the door and bounced back hittin' me in the face. Where'd that carrot been hidin'???


I took this picture at the Tellus Museum in the little train town cases.

I totally pretended I lived in this little town. I had a whole life. Really, I did. I used to see a plane flyin' overhead and would think about myself bein' on it flyin' somewhere totally awesome.


I've been on a pancake makin' kick lately. Every time I make 'em I sing Sarah McLaughlin songs. I hate Sara McLaughlin.


I talk to my plant at work. It's all gettin' big and has pretty shiny leaves. I thought, "dang, talkin' to plants totally works!....just look at how shiny the leaves are!"......turns out the plant lady sprayed some shiny leaf shit on it. I still talk to my plant.


The first (and last) time I ever smoked weed from a bong, it was a total disaster. I blew into it instead of inhaling. How the hell else was I suppose to make it all bubble up??? The only way I could ever make bubbles in my coke was to blow in the straw. Bong water went all over me and I smelled. The hippies were pissed off at me. Stupid hippies.


I almost died the other day. I've been all snotty and stopped up for like 3 weeks now. I had ran outta tissues so I just snorted it all up.....a big fat booger ball hit the back of my throat and I down near choked. Luckily, I coughed it out before I passed out. It looked pretty gross sittin' there on the floor.


Have you ever listened to the lyrics to that Christmas song Baby It's Cold Outside? I mean like, really listened? The chick just wants to leave and the dude don't wanna let her. She's all talkin' about how everyone in her family's gonna be all worried and stuff. The dude convinces her to stay for half a drink more, then she's all "say, what's in this drink".....REALLY???? Dude totally put a roofie in her drink! What's Christmasy about that song!??!?


Totally random. Yep.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Yee HAW! Gonna Meet the Pioneer Woman Tonight!!!

****SECOND UPDATE****
Pioneer Woman won't be speakin' tonight. Only signin'.
****UPDATE**** 2:30 p.m.
Just called Borders. Pioneer Woman has moved signing up to 6:00 p.m. Boarders started handin' out colored wristbands at 9 this mornin' to guarantee your spot in line. YOU MUST HAVE A WRISTBAND!!! They're now on they're THIRD color of wristbands, and have never used more than one color at any other book signing! I had planned on gettin' there around 4ish so I could have a decent spot in line, but after this whole wristband thing, I ain't goin'.....sad face..... Ain't no way in hell I can sit in line until what is at this point gonna be 1 or 2 a.m with a whole bunch of mom bloggers all talkin' about baby snot and shit.....dammit....lame. I was SOOOOO excited!!!
Dear Ree,
I love your blog, like a whole lot. I love your kids faces and Marlboro Man's too. I love your funny way of writin', all your pretty photos and especially the recipes, because well....I love food. I will get your cookbook. I really, really wanted to meet you and have our picture taken together....we both have red hair (you did at least up until recently!) and we could totally make hair babies......but I just gotta get home at a decent time. I work and if I don't get enough sleep, I am one crabby, bitchy broad and my boss don't like that. Also there is this issue I have with bein' around a bunch of gloatin' mom bloggers....they make me wanna poke my eyeballs out. I just can't do it.
Go eat at the Varsity.......get a chili slaw dog and a pc. Good shit I tell ya, good shit.
I'm so sad.
Love,
Jessica
A year or so ago a Brandy over at Not So Average Mama told me about this blog called The Pioneer Woman. She said it was all about this lady who lives on a ranch somewhere and does ranch type stuff....it was really interesting, and I really needed to check it out.
Lame. That's what I thought, but what Brandy says to do, I pretty much do.
She was right. Once I started readin', I couldn't stop.

There were some of the most beautiful photos I'd ever seen and an entire section with photo tips....which I totally haven't tried, because just readin' them alone makes my brain go all fuzzy....that and I don't have the photo editing program she has.

I was immediately hooked on her Black Heels to Tractor Wheel series, which tells the story of her (who at the time, was a chick who was raised in a golf course community and was probably a total spoiled brat) and her rancher husband meetin' and fallin' in love. A city girl meets and falls in love with a cowboy. Ugh.....I'm SUCH a sucker for love stories.
So reminded me of my love for Lucchese boots.....and because of her, I have my very own pair and wear them as much as humanly possible.......
I've also cooked several things in her cookin' section. My favorite is the Crash Hot Potatos.....best shit ever.......

Hope she doesn't mind...I totally stole this picture from her site.

Last Christmas, Jeremy and I were using her recipe for beef tenderloin and he suggested we do somethin' a specific way and I can remember sayin', "No! That's not how Pioneer Woman said to do it!" I knew then that I had a problem.

I've actually cooked quite a few of her recipes and now, in addition to her Tasty Kitchen recipe site, she's put out a cookbook.......AND..........she's totally gonna be in Atlanta for a book signin' TONIGHT and I'm totally goin'!

In case you're wonderin', she'll be at Borders on Peachtree Road in Atlanta tonight at 7:30.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Winter Swap Meet at Jailhouse Choppers!

Don't you hate it when it gets all cold outside and all the swap meets seem to disappear? Yeah well, Jailhouse Choppers is steppin' up to satisfy your need for a winter swap meet.....this Sunday, December 6th from 1o a.m. to 5 p.m.

Come out and buy some stuff for your winter project (whether it be a bike or a hot rod) and meet Pauly and Trafton and the rest of the Jailhouse team.....


FREE FOR VENDORS AND SPECTATORS! NO COVER CHARGE!!!

YOU GOT MOTORCYLE OR VINTAGE CAR PARTS YOU'DE LIKE TO SELL? CALL NOW TO RESERVE YOUR FREE SPOT! (770)978-8977

MOTORCYCLES, MOTORCYCLES PARTS, AND VINTAGE CAR PARTS ONLY! PLEASE NO LEATHER, JEWELRY, OR OTHER NOVELTY TYPE ITEMS, UNLESS THEY ARE VINTAGE.




You got questions, they got answers........

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Stand In.....

Crisis averted......she totally fell for it.....or at least she pretended to.

This is how it all went down.....

I stopped at TJ Maxx on the way home and grabbed this way cute little elf. There's a whole lotta cuteness to match it that I wanted to buy too, but this is one broke bitch, and the elf was a necessity.

I got home and said to the girl, "I got the weirdest voicemail today at work. It said.....Collect call from the North Pole, press 1 to accept". Keep in mind that I am the WORLD'S WORST liar. This was no small feat for me. The girl was all, "MOM!!! That coulda been Little Jimmy callin' to explain why he ain't here on time, and YOU missed the call!"......

"Ain't no way it can be this easy" I thought. There is NO way the girl's fallin' for this shit. She calls me out on EVERYTHING and she don't do it subtly. She all bob's her head and holds up that one finger sayin' she ain't no dummy.....she's always on to me. It was really strange how she was just fallin' for it all.....

So, once I was certain she was fast asleep, I pulled out stand-in elf (which I named Pistu (peestoo) after a boy's imaginary friend in a book I recently read), got a piece of paper and started to think of what to write for an explanation as to why this freakish lookin' elf is here in place of Little Jimmy.

I feel that any time you can teach a kid a lesson, you should., so I could come up with somethin' that could learn the kid somethin'. You know, somethin' that the girl would think "wow, if it can happen to one of Santa's elves, it can happen to ANYONE!"

Hmmm.....

Little Jimmy had one too many at the good ol' North Pole bar and was in a drunk drivin' accident that luckily he survived, but just barely so he's in the hospital until he heals and once he does he's goin' to jail......

Little Jimmy fell prey to an online stalker that had finally convinced him to meet him in person.......

Little Jimmy took some drugs an elf friend gave him and has been hallucinating and pickin' at his face for the past 3 weeks and lost his job because of it.......

Ok, so maybe usin' a Christmas Elf to teach some sorta lesson ain't the best idea I've ever had. Obviously, the girl wants to believe in this whole elf that reports to Santa nightly thing so much that she's goin' along with all my lies. There ain't NO WAY in hell she doesn't know what's really up. No way! So if the kid wants to believe in magic and fantasy who the hell am I to ruin it for her with stories of drunk drivin', internet pervs or drugs? She can just go right on believin' because I ain't gonna be the one to fuck it all up for her......well, at least not until she gets into middle school anyhow.

So the story goes.....Little Jimmy's ol' lady Aimee had their first baby so Lil' Jim couldn't make it. He's sorry and hopes the kids won't be too disappointed. Yeah. So goes the story.

Now, I'm totally not a mornin' person. I just wanna do what I gotta do and not be looked at or talked to. I knew this mornin' though that the girl was gonna have some talkin' to do havin' seen this new stand-in. I had to gear myself up for it.

I walk into the kitchen and the second the girl hears me she yells, "MOM! I know what that call you got at work yesterday was about!" I say "call? what call?". She says, "you know the one that was from the North Pole! Come see! He looks weird! It's a different elf! Come see! There's even a note!" I ask what the note says.....she says "I dunno, I can't read cursive yet!". I grumble and stomp....just a little.....and head towards the livin' room tyrin' to pretend I'm as shocked and as excited as she is. Did I mention that I'm totally not a morning person?

Crisis averted.

APB....Little Jimmy is Missing!!!

It's December 1st and Little Jimmy shoulda made his first appearance at the house this morning. Evidently, I hid Little Jimmy so good that last time last year that even I can't find him. This is no bueno.
Little Jimmy is an Elf on the Shelf. We read the book, he shows up in a different spot every morning and watches and reports back to Santa every night. Seriously.

The boy gets it. He knows. The elf ain't nothin' but a stuffed doll. The girl....she still believes. She was snoopin' around a week or so ago and found the book that Little Jimmy is SUPPOSED to be stuffed in after Christmas and said "Mom! Little Jimmy's not in his book! He's gone back to the North Pole to get all his instructions!"

"Dammit. She STILL believes in Little Jimmy", I remember thinkin'.

I mean really, you try comin' up with 30 different hidin' spots for a little elf that won't take your kids more than a few minutes to find every mornin'. Sure, I could go all crazy and shit and put him in kitchen cabinets and the dog's crate and in a kabillion other spots that would have the kids huntin' forever, but I'd be gettin' the kids up at 5 every mornin' so they'd have enough time to find the damn thing.

I have this really old ornament on my tree that bares an eerie resemblance to our Little Jimmy and I considered just pullin' off the tree hopin' the girl wouldn't notice it was just a stand in. I can hear it now though. "That ain't little Jimmy! What's goin' on here? You've got some splainin' to do".

Dammit Little Jimmy. I think you've had enough time gettin' your instructions from Santa. You need to get your ass in gear and get back to the house.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Just Gimme One Squirt

I'm sick. Again. I'm so over bein' sick. I've spent the past three days whining, snortin' snot down my throat and applying mass amounts of chapstick to keep my lips from crakin' from all the mouth breathin'. It's KILLIN' me. Oh how I despise not bein' able to breathe through my nose. Sudafed doesn't work. Tylenol Sinus doesn't work. Advil Sinus doesn't work. That stupid hair brained idea of a nettipot don't work either. I think everybody that uses one of those and say they actually work are liars. Stupid Oprah lovin' liars.

I'm a miserable baby when I can't breathe outta my nose. I pitch fits that can put a toddler in the throws of the terrible 2's to shame. I mope around punchin' the air outta frustration......I mean in my mind I'm totally punchin' my stopped up nose in the face, but it gets me nowhere....except in a first class seat on the train to lookin' like a total tool land.

I JUST WANT NOSE SPRAY.....I have that shit tucked in every drawer, pocket and nook and cranny in this house and my car....because when I need nose spray.....I NEED nose spray. So why not just reach out and grab some???......because Thanksgiving is only days away and I WILL be able to taste the turkey and dressin', giblet gravy, potatos and green bean casserole. You see, when I start nose pray it's like a two week binge. It starts out slowly......only once ever 12 hours just like the label says. Then it's on to once every 6 hours....then every 3......all the while, I can smell nothin' and I can taste nothin', but I can breathe dammit......

This is the first time in my adult life that I will suffer through a stopped up nose. The first time I will NOT give in to the temptation of nose spray. I won't. No.

But then I look back and this and reconsider. Maybe, just maybe I can use it over the weekend then stop....sha.....right.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You Suck, and That's Sad

I've tried to not take it personal.....you know....this suckish attitude you've had lately.......but why shouldn't I? When it comes to everybody and everything......I'm the one on the back burner. I feel like I get all the left overs.....if there ever are any. I've tried to be ok, I've tried to hang in there, but I don't like sittin' in the back waitin' to be noticed. I'm an attention whore you know....and nobody puts Baby in the corner.....


I've really worked hard at being a happy, more positive person and you're just bringin' me down. Down, down, down.


You're distracted by too much negativity and quite frankly, my negativity pot cain't hold any more. It's time to get over it. Move along. You're life don't suck so stop fuckin' actin' like it does. I'm still here....on the back fuckin' burner, but I'm still here.


Maybe we can be friends again one day, but until you straighten yourself up, as the girls say to each other on the playground.....you ain't my friend no more.


I miss the old you.....

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hate Da Toe

How the hell have I NOT heard of this song before?!?!?! It's goin' on the ipod RIGHT NOW!




Speakin' of camel toes....check THIS shit out....


May I introduce to you the cuchini....it's a frickin' camel toe SHIELD y'all!!! Who the hell needs a camel toe shield? If your cookie's all eatin' your pants up, pull that shit out.....or maybe your busted up ass needs to buy some bigger damn pants!

I think I'ma get one to give as a gift at our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches party......so to all ya'll that're readin' this that'll be there (details later), forget I even said that......

Camel toes....it's the new black.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

10 Things I Hate A Lot

Rain. Dear rain god....enough already. The joke's up. We get the message, whatever the hell it may be. I understand we had a lot of catchin' up to do after years of the worst drought our state has seen and I know you're tired of Georgia and Florida fightin' over water rights.....Florida needs water for their clams, Georgia for their people and yes the fight got old, but SHIT.....ENOUGH ALREADY. My back, hands and sanity can't take it anymore. Basements are NOT meant to be lakes.

My eyelids. Every time I wear eyeliner, it transfers itself from just above my lash line to mid eyelid. Bastard eyelids bein' all droopy and shit. Scratch that....bastard eyeliner for suckin' ass and not stayin' where I put that shit.



Goin' to the bathroom and realizin' there's no toilet paper one nanosecond too late.


My husband's job. Dear husband's job, you are causin' way too much stress in Jeremy's life, therefore you are causin' way too much stress in my life. Get your shit together, before this bitch goes postal. (P.S. Although I am VERY grateful he has a job!).

Hard boogies in my nose. It's that time of year. Nose is all dry and crap and you get one of those hangers that are hard as rocks and just can't be blown out so you gotta dig deep and yank that shit out....along with 5 nose hairs. Then you cry. Lame.



People that fuck up and blame it on others. Look, you fucked up....don't make yourself look like a total asshat by tryin' to lay blame elsewhere. That just makes you a loser. Loser.



When people _______ ______ _______and_____ my_______'s _____. When ______totally _______. Yep,________. This is a secret hate. You'll nevvvver knoooowwwww.



Adjusting to less money. You have so much. You depend on it and're used to it. Part of it goes away. Not fun and totally stupid.

When you have some crazy centipede all crawlin' around your house and you get it with toilet paper, flush it and then every time you go to the bathroom for like the next three days you wonder if it's gonna find it's way out and crawl on your butt.


Change. Hate it. Period.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

13 Roses 13 Dollar Tattoos!

Y'all have been lookin' for it and here it is!

Yes, 13 Roses in Atlanta is gonna have another $13 tattoo (plus lucky $7 tip!) this upcoming Friday the 13th!


Turn one of the unluckiest days of the year into your lucky day! You got a $20 bill, you gotta tattoo......


Q & A

What does $20 get you?

A kick ass tattoo by a kick ass artist. On the 13th, the shop will put on the front door a sheet of paper that has the tattoos you can choose from. Don't expect a half sleeve dipshit. It's a $20 tattoo!!! See that 13 on my arm? That's what I got last time.....

....and this taco (mmmm tacos)....it's what I got another time..... and that shit's a coupon at Holy Taco in East Atlanta....yep....a coupon.




Does it just cost $13 for the tattoo?


No asshat.....it's $13 tattoos with a $7 tip......$20. You got more than 2o dolla....tip more.


Can I pick any tattoo I want?


No. Like I said before....they'll post a sheet of paper with what you can choose from on the front door the day of.

Can I call the shop the day before and find out what tattoos I can choose from?

Uh, no. they put that shit on the front door on the 13th.

Can I call the shop to set up an appointment?


No you can't. It's first come, first serve. You show up, put your name on the list and wait for your turn.


How long is the wait?


Well, if you're the first person there, you won't have one. I waited about an hour the first time and a couple hours the last time. You're not the only one wantin' a $13 tattoo.....you'll just have to wait your turn.


What the hell am I supposed to do while I wait?


Lucky for you, East Atlanta is FULL of bars. Go downstairs to the Flat Iron. Buy a drink or 10. If you're nice, someone might come down and call out your name when it's your turn...but then again maybe not. Go have a drink, and go back upstairs to check where they are on the list. Keep doin' it 'til it's your turn. Don't complain about the wait.....complainers suck.


Where is 13 Roses in Atlanta?


Do I look like Google? Look it up yourself.


Can I call and ask what tattoos are being offered?


Don't be a dipshit. I told you....they put that shit on the door.


What time can I get there?


The shop opens at 11.


What time do they stop?

Midnight.

...........Ok, that should answer all your questions. If not, tough.

Head down to East Atlanta this Friday and make a night out of it. We always do. Bitches gonna do East Atlanta again. WOOOO!!! AND it's my birthday weekend, so bring presents and look for the chubby girl with gnarly notted red hair. I love presents. I might even give you a hug....well probably not. Hugs are for hippies and I don't want the swine flu so expect me to be totally shitfaced....I'm a firm believer that if you have enough alcohol in your system, cooties can't penetrate your immune system.

WOOOO!!! $13 TATTOOS!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Rev Run - Your Words

Imagine if all your words for the past 24 hrs had been recorded and turned into a transcript. How would it read? Would there be more life than death? Would it include words filled with life that build others up? How much of it would contain grumbling, complaining or even name-calling? (REMEMBER) what comes out of your mouth reveals who you really are. Focus on speaking words of life and blessing! If you change your words, you'll change your life. -(Joyce Meyers)

This first time I read this, I thought of havin' my mouth washed out with soap. You ever have your mouth washed out with soap for sayin' somethin' you weren't supposed to? I totally did. I can't eat ginger at a sushi place because of it.....that shit tastes EXACTLY like Palmolive. (shudder)

I've really tried to adopted a sort of philosophy of gettin' back in return what you put out into the world. Be nice and people will be nice to you. Take positive steps in life and more positive things will come to you. No matter how much somethin' sucks, try to laugh about it. Laughin' makes all kindsa shit better. Everything has a way of workin' themselves out.....eventually....and if you keep your head up.

Life gives to the givers and takes from the takers.....be a giver. It's kinda like my own personal religion. I've heard somethin' of a book about a "Secret" that's along the same lines, but I ain't too fancy on readin' books that ain't about vampires or witches and wands. I also heard this weekend that there's some kinda church that preaches this sorta thing.....you get back from the universe what you put into it. They don't talk about gods or jesus or alibaba....just positive......stuff. Too bad I ain't too keen on goin' to church.

So, what did I learn from Rev Run's lesson today? Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world laughs with you.....be an asshole and you'll be treated like an asshole.
Some people I know could totally call bullshit on me here, but I try.....most days. I really, really try and dog gone it, it just plain feels good.....even though my left eyeball twitches when I'm tryin' sometimes......like when you're at the grocery store and the lady in front of you is arguin' over the price of a pound of ground beef and you just wanna grab the little separator thing and beat the ever livin' hell outta her......

I really, seriously do try...eye twitch and all......

Thursday, November 5, 2009

If You're On Facebook.....

Go vote for my girl!
She's in an online Halloween costume contest and we're tryin' to win some dernd applesauce!


You can vote once every 24 hours through November 7th. It's easy. Just click the link above, click allow, then thumbs up. That's it! No signin' up, no junk mail, nothin'!!! Just votin'!


WOOOOO!!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time Flies Whether You're Havin' Fun or Not

Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like it took six months just to get from Halloween to Christmas? Now that I'm an adult, it seems like it takes half the time it should to get from one Christmas to the other.

Now, I just wanna get to the weekends. Every Monday it's the same thing....hurry up and get here weekend....and it usually does. Then when Sunday rolls around, I'm wishin' it was still Saturday. Time is escaping me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Time's just goin' way to fast. Does that mean I'm on the downhill slide of life?

Now that Halloween's over, Christmas is gonna be here before I can lick the salt off my lips from the pumpkin seeds. For the past several years I just want one more week before Christmas pounces on me. Just one more pay check. There's just never enough time or money. That's the way I see Christmas now. I hate it. When you're a kid, you just see the presents under the tree, the magic of the lights and decorations and Santa.....now I see the money it costs to put those presents under the tree and that's pretty much it.


I'm gonna try not to be that way this year. It's inevitable though. I'm gonna panic. I love Christmas. I LOVE the lights. I love the smells of all the Christmas candles. I love baking all kindsa shit that's just gonna pack on the lbs. I love it all, but still underneath it all, it just comes and goes too quick.


The store's start packin' in the Christmas trees and decorations before Halloween's even gotten here. You hear everyone say, "Can you believe they already have Christmas stuff in stores?" It seems to get here earlier and earlier and earlier. You'd think that would prolong the Christmas season....no, it just prolongs the panic.


I wanna slow down. I wanna have more time. I've heard it's even worse when you get older. Really? How can that possibly be? I swear, Christmas was just here like 6 months ago. It took me 30 years to get to 30 years, but I think it's just gonna take me 15 years to get to 65......life is just too dadgum short.


I need to take a deep breath. I've been livin' in the fast lane for too long and I think it's time to slow down and smell the roses....or whatever the hell else is bloomin' right now.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Who Doesn't Love Tongue Tacos?

We had a mexican themed birthday party for a friend of ours......


.....and I wanted to try my hand at cooking something authentic. I've always seen tacos de lengua on the menu at this little mexican joint we frequent. As much I've always wanted to order it (psht, yeah right), I've never actually ordered it in fear of pukin' in front of a bunch of mexicans and them pointin' and laughin' at me. What a better way to try it than cookin' it at home myself?



First you gotta find the cow tongue. Since the Walmart closest to us didn't have tongue, we decided to go to a Walmart that was in Acworth which has quite the mexican population in parts. $9 later I had one big ass fat tongue.



I also bought some fresh cilantro, 6 roma tomatos, a couple jalapenos, fresh garlic and some yellow onions. I already had the spices I wanted to use at home......cumin, oregano, bay leaves (which I ended up not using) and peppercorns.



First thing's first. Get the tongue outta the package. This was the hardest part for me. After I finally stopped all the dry-heavin', I played with it for a while.....still almost pukin'.....



I decided to cook it in the slow cooker so I wouldn't have to watch the water level all day if I chose to boil it. Seriously, about to puke just lookin' at this picture. Crazy mexicans......


Quarter a big yellow onion, slice and take the seeds ('cuz as mexican as I like to pretend to be, I'm one big ass sissy and don't like eatin' food that burns just as much goin' in as it does comin' out), squish up 5-6 cloves of garlic, and chop up half a bunch of cilantro.

Throw it all in the crock pot with an ass ton of cumin, chili powder, cracked peppercorns, a bit of salt and oregano and a dash of cayenne pepper. Cover with water and put crop on low for about 8 hours.



For some reason I expected the whole house to smell likes ass, ok I mean tongue, if tongue had a smell, I was certain it'd smell like ass......The house actually smelled awesome.....all mexican like and stuff.
8 hours later, it was time for the worst part....peeling the skin off the meat. Uaackkkk. <-----totally my pukin' sound.

It turned out to not be as bad as I thought. I expected it to all come off in one tough layer, but it was more like pullin' the skin off a cooked piece of salmon. There were also some bits of tongue vessels that had to be removed.......(uacckkkk).
Shredding the tongue was pretty much the only option since it cooked so long in a crockpot. I'd rather eat shredded tongue over chunked tongue anyday.


Next, I chopped up the romas, half of another onion, another 5 cloves of garlic and another jalapeno.


Heat about 2 Tbls. of oil in a pan and add all the chopped veggies. Once the tomatos started gettin' soft, I added a cup of tongue stock and let it simmer a bit to get the onions a little softer.





Then I added the shredded tongue. Bickety bam....you got yourself some beef brisket for tacos......that's what I told everyone it was anyhow.



Once I finally remembered I had cooked this stuff, I was half lit so I forgot to take any pictures of the final product in it's fancy taco form. It really did taste EXACTLY like beef brisket that had been flavored all mexican. No funky ass gamey taste that I expected.No weird consistency. I will admit thought since I knew what it was I kinda had a hard time eating it at first, but everybody really liked it.......


....then I told 'em it was tongue. No one flipped out and some people were totally fine with it, but still the look on a couple people's faces were priceless.....they totally just ate tongue.

A Little Bit of Halloween

Friday we took the kids to a car dealership for a Halloween party. Honestly, I just wanted to go for the free Hooters hot wings and save myself a night of cookin' dinner. I'm so over cookin' dinner (Even though I totally cooked cow tongue over the weekend....stay tuned!).


Last year the girl won first place in the costume contest and won a $100 gift card to Target. I was all "WOO HOO...I'm goin' shoppin' at Target". She was all "uh, no mom....I won, you didn't." So I was all....."Yeah well, I bought that shit you're wearin' and I put your makeup on and I drove you to damn contest....so WOO HOO....I'm goin' shoppin' at Target!"


I got a pack of gum.


This year, she got second place. She was disappointed her gift card was only $35. I told her if she complained again, I was gonna hand it over to the kid in the dirty poodle costume, because not only did it look like she needed it, she would probably appreciate it. She shut up then.


The boy decided not to dress up this year. Well, I guess it'd be kinda hard to dress up when his costume hasn't come in yet. He'd totally have worn it otherwise I'm sure. I love this picture....I'm not sure what he was yellin' at.






He could be yellin' at the same to shit ass kids I had to yell at for throwin' hay on the hay ride. I hate bein' that parent...you know the one that's all mean and shit to someone else's kids. Maybe if their fat assed uncle all hangin' out with his front butt coulda got on the ride with them, he coulda yelled at 'em instead...but no....he was too fat. All I gotta say is I don't blame that man for slappin' that screamin' ass kid in Walmart.

My kids however, are always PERFECT in public.....


Once we left, we decided to take the kids to the "haunted" covered bridge in Smyrna. (Picture borrowed.....we went at night.)

There's all kindsa stories floatin' around about this bridge. Somethin' about witches bein' hung there and hauntin' the bridge, ghosts of water babies that were buried by the creek and one about puttin' a candy bar on the roof of your car, turnin' off your headlights and hearin' the feet of ghost children comin' up to get the candy bar. Uh....yeah. You turn your lights off while your on the ONE lane covered bridge, there's a good chance your ass'll be hautin' the place one day, because you'll probably die when someone crashes into you.


The boy was SUPER excited about goin'. He loves paranormal ghostly stuff. The scarier the better. He was very quiet. Very serious. Very ready to see somethin' awesome. The girl was on the verge of hyperventilating. She was sobbin'. Beggin' to turn around. Beggin' to just go home.

We drove through very slowly and Jeremy and I both screamed at the same time scarin' the ever livin' shit outta both the kids. It was total awesomeness.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Weekend Review

I saw Scott H. Biram play this weekend at the Star Bar. He sang his last song totally nekkid. I mean really...standin' there basically eye level with his junk all hangin' out....It was kinda weird, uncomfortable and awesome all at the same time.



He just so happened to drop trow right after I said "TAKE YER PANNIES OFF!" Did this line (which I tend to always scream out at shows) finally work or was it pure coincidence? I'll never know. It was awesome either way.




Before the show, I also went to Netherworld haunted house with a bunch of bitches.


We spent our time in line drinkin' Jack Daniels with potato chip chasers (sounds gross, but try that shit!) so I pretty much got shitfaced beforehand hopin' it would keep me from gettin' the ever livin' shit scared outta me. All it did was make me wanna puke my guts up on this twirly tunnel bridge thing (which I'm pretty sure it woulda done to me shitfaced or not).


The last time I went to a haunted house, I was 12 and it scarred me. It was absolutely terrifying, so I assumed this top ranked haunted house was gonna leave me pretty damaged. The anticipation of being scared was way worse than the actual attempts to scare. Believe me, I screamed like a big ol' black girl hollerin' "oh girl, donchoo go in that basement, you gonna DIIIIEEEE", but really, I expected SO much more.


On Saturday, I attempted to take the kids to the Little 5 Points Halloween parade, but 30 minutes after we got there the girl, havin' been sick the previous day, started feelin' pretty crappy again so we had to leave. I felt awful for both the kids. The L5P parade is always somethin' we all really look forward to and this was the first year in many that we've missed it. It's better than any other parade around......It definitely ain't your standard family parade. Random Atlanta says "Seriously people, don’t miss out on going down to L5P for this. Little Five is known to be a bit alternative, but when it is this time of the year, it gets down right wacky". I hate that we missed it this year, but there's always next year.


Once Saturday evening came rollin' around the kids felt up to goin' to Halloween thing at the local Baskin Robbins. I think the nasty winter like weather kept everyone from goin' out because it wasn't so awesome. A free scoop of ice cream and fifteen minutes later, we were back home again.


That was pretty much it for the weekend. I meant to do other things, like get everything back in our basement or make a few bears for a craft show I'm doin' in a few weeks, but.......no.


This comin' up weekend is gonna be another crazy hectic one. We have a Halloween thing to take the kids to on Friday (free food and jumpy things, woooo!) and some runnin' around to do on Saturday before a birthday party we're havin' at our house for a friend that night....stay tuned for pictures!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Always Changin'

All these........


Have been replaced with these.......


A few years back, I had a thing for Publix brand Ginger Ale, but this? This shit BURNS sooooo good....



I have this......



....but I wanna move on to this......




The was my best friend, always full of gin and tonic.....



...but I've moved on to the pink drknk. This shit's AMAZING and before you know it, you're on the ground......



I used to shake my ass to this......

(so I still shake it to this, but after their drummer was a TOTAL douche bag to me, I've lost a little bit of that lovin' feelin')

...but now I'm more inclined to shake my ass to this.....




I don't deal so well with change, but sometimes change is for the better....and it's inevitable.

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