'Cuz I Felt Like It!

I don't even know where to begin here. Should I start with the part about the lump? Should I start with the word congratulations? Should I start with the part about gay sex? Sweet Jesus help me. Again......... I remember when I was in 4th grade I took a gymnastics class offered by my school. I loved the thought of all the twistin' and turnin' and flippin'.....and Mary Lou Retton made it all look so effortless. Turns out though, the closest to Mary Lou Retton I'd ever be was the black, purple, blue and white leotard I wore that had her name on the tag. I can see that leotard as clear as if I still had it today......and with my memory, that's a pretty big accomplishment. I remember it because I dreaded havin' to put that damn thing on. DREADED IT. All the color was on the upper half and the bottom half was white. I can remember thinkin'.....I hope nobody can see my hairs pokin' outta this thing. You know....those hairs that're....... down yon...

We had the "talk" with the boy just before he went into middle school, because from what I hear, girls are givin' boys rim jobs in the fuckin' bathroom in middle school these days. If that shit was happenin' when I was in middle school, I was certainly oblivious to it, but I don't think that's the case. I think we were still, for the most part, kids.....worried about kid things. When we had the talk with the boy it was cake. I mean it was slightly uncomfortable, but we told him about STD's, the importance of rubbers, and what every slang word for sex or anything related to sex was. Good times. The boy never asked about sex. He didn't and still doesn't give a shit. I know you're sayin' "that's what you think", but trust me.....he'd rather be playin' video games. I knew the talk would come earlier for the girl. When she was 4, Sex and the City was picked up on public television and they started to run commer...