The "S" Word

We had the "talk" with the boy just before he went into middle school, because from what I hear, girls are givin' boys rim jobs in the fuckin' bathroom in middle school these days. If that shit was happenin' when I was in middle school, I was certainly oblivious to it, but I don't think that's the case. I think we were still, for the most part, kids.....worried about kid things.

When we had the talk with the boy it was cake. I mean it was slightly uncomfortable, but we told him about STD's, the importance of rubbers, and what every slang word for sex or anything related to sex was. Good times.

The boy never asked about sex. He didn't and still doesn't give a shit. I know you're sayin' "that's what you think", but trust me.....he'd rather be playin' video games.

I knew the talk would come earlier for the girl. When she was 4, Sex and the City was picked up on public television and they started to run commercials for the show....she saw one and asked "Mama, what's sex?"......and because she already knew about the word "sexy" in the context of shoes, I told her it was like sexy.....somethin' that makes your feet look good. I mean shit, she was FOUR.

From time to time I have asked her if there's anything the kids have talked about in school that she doesn't understand. Anything. I don't want either of our kids feelin' stupid when some kid's talkin' about a donkey punch. Ok, so that's totally goin' too far, but you understand. No matter what they ask, they'll get an answer.....as best of one as I can give.....even if it might be a total lie.

Well last night, the bomb was dropped. "Mom, can I ask you a question?"

..."Sure".....

"Remember how you told me I could come talk to you about anything and to come to you when I was ready to talk about.....about.....about....the "S" word?"

"The what word?"

......."the "S" word".

"Girl, you gotta be more specific......the "S" word? The only "S" word I know is "shit"....you wanna talk about shit?"

"No, mom.....the "S" word. Don't make me say it."

"I'm lost here kid."

......and in a hushed voice she said "sex".

Oh sweet jesus god. On the inside I just flipped the fuck out.



On the inside I was screamin' "YOU'RE TOO FUCKIN' YOUNG FOR THIS....WHY ARE YOU ASKIN' ME ABOUT THIS SHIT?!?!?!"...but I just said, "sure, what do you wanna know?"

Her simple answer to my question....."what exactly is it?"

I felt like I was gonna puke. Then all of a sudden I felt like I was gonna have the nervous shits. This was not good. Even though I was put together on the outside, it was like a multi-car pileup on my inside. I knew this would eventually be comin' and thanks to some asshat kid at her school talkin' shit he heard his brother sayin' to his whore ass girlfriend, I gotta deal with it years earlier than I wanted to.

I cleared my throat and began.....

"Sex is what two people who are in a committed relationship and who love each other VERY, VERY much do when they wanna make babies".

"Ok, but how?"

Gimme strength dear lord, gimme strength.....I didn't want her to even notice a moments hesitation. I couldn't let her know how utterly and completely uncomfortable I was. I want her to ALWAYS feel comfortable comin' to me for everything.



....and so began "the talk" with my WAY too young daughter. She asked way too many questions. Really, really uncomfortable questions. In the end she was disgusted. Thank you sweet baby jesus for that....you just keep right on bein' disgusted.

Today I went to the girl's school and had lunch with her. She pointed out Mr. Inappropriate Talker to me and I made it point to speak to him before I left. I wanted to wrap the kid in duct tape and say "try talkin' shit now kiddo". Instead, I caught him just as he was leaving the lunch room and said, "I understand you've said some pretty inappropriate things in front of my girl. I don't appreciate that and I expect you to never do it again. Got me?" He said, "I haven't said anything inappropriate to her! Did she tell you how she treats me? She is SO mean to me"......Yeah kid, that's what children in elementary school do....they pick on each other and play kickball and shit. They don't talk about fuckin' blow jobs. God I wish I coulda said that. Instead I just said "that's what kids do. Just watch what you say when your around my girl".

Right after I talked to him I thought "oh shit. he's gonna tell his teacher he got a talkin' to by a parent"....so I told her myself. She was ok with it, but suggested I go to the Principal instead next time. Huh.....there better not be another fuckin' next time.......