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Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again.

Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket.

I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?"

Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht.

Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. I was doin' 55. My airbag deployed, powder went everywhere. I thought it was a fire so I turned the ignition off, yanked out the keys and chucked them in the backseat narrowly missin' the girl's head all while hollerin' "Stop drop and roll! Stop drop and roll!" No shit. Stop drop and roll? Really? That shit's from like 2nd freakin' grade and it's the first thing I think of when there's a fire? That's fucked up.

There was this other time when I was backin' out of a parkin' spot and this crazy bitch hit me. Ok, so she supposedly had the right of way, but she was haulin' ass and she hit me. I get outta my car, call my grandmother who has my kids and tell her "I'm gonna be a little late, my car just got hit." Crazy bitch says, "Oh no you di-int! Who hit who?" I'm all "hello? I'm on the phone...SSSHHHHHH!" and I start walkin' around my car so I can hear what my grandmother's sayin'. Crazy bitch follows me all jackin' her jaws. My grandmother just keeps sayin' "Please keep your mouth shut Jessica. Please." Keep my mouth shut? Psht....right. I turn around and say "I know karate, you better back the fuck up" grandmother still on the phone....still askin' me to keep my mouth shut. Too late. Crazy bitch starts sayin' "Karate???? Oh yeah? You don't knooowww who I know!" Thank god I don't. Lord knows crazy black lady's probably friends with some Italian gangsta who's gonna come and put a horse head in bed next to me because I said I know karate.

I'm still walkin' around and around my car tryin' to tell my grandmother I gotta go, I'm ok. Still she's sayin' "just keep your mouth shut" and I'm sayin' "ok, I will, I gotta go" tryin' my best to ignore the crazy bitch chasin' me around my car. Then she starts sayin' "are you listnin' to me? I'm fixin' to whip yo ass!" Ok, I seriously, I gotta get off the phone. I hang up and turn to look at crazy bitch. I tell her if she wants to whip my ass then c'mon....and I turn around and start spankin' my ass all hootin' and hollerin'. I got yer crazy, bitch! Then the cop shows up. He's laughin' and crazy bitch is runnin' still runnin' her mouth at me. He makes me get in my car.

Crazy bitch got a ticket. I got none and technically, it was my fault. Heh, heh! Crazy bitch shoulda shut her mouth.

Those are just two of the accidents I've been in that totally weren't my fault. There was also the time I backed into a tree in Jeremy's parent's yard. It wasn't there the last time I went there.....I swear.

The last wreck was when Jerm called me at like 5:30 one mornin' in some serious pain. He couldn't drive. I needed to get him. I freaked. I dragged the kids outta bed, got 'em in the car, put it in reverse and started to haul ass outta my driveway....then I hit the cross-tie wall. Actually my car crawled up the wall. Crazy 4 wheel drive. Dude, that wall totally wasn't there before.

Stupid wall. Stupid tree.....stupid car.

I'm tellin' ya, this shit ain't my fault.


accidents suck, but i totally got a laugh out of this post today!
Such is my life! If I can't laugh, I'll just cry!
Sally-Sal said…
That tree had it coming.
Anonymous said…
Oh, give your mama a good belly laugh when I need the most!
Cooking Asshole said…
The world should follow Saudi Arabia's lead and ban women from driving.
Tori said…
Maybe the crazy bitch put that wall up just so you'd back into it!

This post had me rolling! lol
Tori said…
FYI- In texas if you wreck in a parking lot it's private property and a cop can't issue tickets. Just incase you ever are in texas... wrecking your car in a parking lot...
Lana said…
i think you should look into buying a tank. i bet you could get a good deal now, with the economy and all.
Dear Cookin' Asshole.....Very well stated....and coming from a man that spends all his time in the kitchen and probably barefooted!
Lana- I went to the army base up the road and tried to convince them to take my car as a "Cash for Clunkers" so I could trade that shit in on tank. I'm writing this now from an underground prison.
Tiffany said…
And now you can add one more to the list, since Cali all backed into your car again Saturday!

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