The girl started 3rd grade today. Sweet baby jesus, I can't believe she's in third grade. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was pullin' boogers outta her nose for her...oh wait....that was just yesterday. Nevermind....it seems like it was just yesterday that I was wipin' poo off her hiney and now she's in THIRD grade. Dammit.
What's even crazier???? The boy....the boy is about to be 14 freakin' years old! Do you know how old that makes me? Good gawd is he growin' and all becomin' a young man and stuff. Excuse me, I need a minute to compose myself. 
I remember the boy's first day of school. I was terrified. I had visions of a nasty teacher who smelled like Bengay and had yellow teeth and some little sons-a-bitch's kid pointin' and laughin' at my boy for wearin' glasses then I'd end up bein' arrested for duct tapin' some little shit to a pipe in the school and makin' an example of him.
All of these thoughts were goin' through my head as I walked the boy down to his kindergarten teacher's room. Once there, I desperately clung to him not ever wantin' to let go. His teacher had to pry my arms from around him, and slightly shove me out into the hall sayin' "everything will be just fine". I wanted to run back in, grab my boy and take him back home. Instead, I put my head down and slowly walked back to my car. I was sobbing...snot bubbles and all.
That first year, my boy did have a piece of poo bully of a kid make fun of him everyday on the school bus for wearing glasses. His daddy was cop. Dammit.....I'd definitely end up goin' to jail. I ended up doin' the the right thing though and tellin' the boy now was the time to learn to stick up for himself. He said "but how mom?" I said "you tell that kid that his mom's fat (and lord how she was!) and his dad's a pig and then you run like hell ." So the next day, he did. He was so proud. He didn't get beat up or anything and that kid never said another word to him. It was my crowning moment as a mother.
As for the girl's first day of kindergarten, she was the one shovin' me out the door. She was all "ok mom...I got work to do here, so like um....why don't you......hit the bricks?" Not really, but pretty much. It wasn't as hard for me with her. She was tough and meaner than hell if she needed to be. I knew there were no battles of hers that I would have to fight.....she'd be doin' that all on her own and that's what worried me. We had bets goin' on how long it would take before we got a call from the front office sayin' she'd whacked some poor kid over the head with a ruler for lookin' at her. Amazingly enough, that call never came. A few months into school and she was actually given and an award for the "most kind and polite child" in her class. I called the teacher and asked if it was some kinda joke. This is an award all the kids in the class got, right? Nope. The girl had them totally snowed. Thank god.
The years just keep goin' by faster and faster. I shake my fist at 'em yellin' "Damn you stupid years....slow down already! I'm barely gettin' enough time to smell the freakin' roses here!" The boy already thinks we're lame and never comes out of his room and before I know it, the girl will be doin' the same. What in the hell am I gonna do when I don't have a kid that wants to all snuggle up to me or sit on my lap and hug me? I'm not sure I can handle that.
Maybe I can go buy me one of them foreign babies like all the fancy movie stars are doin' and while I'm at it, I'm gonna have to hire me a nanny, because I'm done whipin' asses and gettin' up 22 times a night and havin' peas spit at me. There ain't no way in hell I'm goin' through all that again! Oh, hell no. Maybe buyin' me a foreign baby ain't such I good idea after all. I'll just have to come up with another plan....like inventing some shot that'll keep 'em little forever.
In all honesty, I can't wait to see my kids grow up and turn into the adults that they'll be. I'm sure they'll be just as freakin' awesome as I am.
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