Don't Sit Around with Your Thumb Up Yer Ass, Go To An Anitque Mall

Friday night my friend Meme and I went to the Big Shanty Antique Mall because we were doin' nothin' else but sittin' around with our thumbs up our asses....and not in a fun kinky sorta way either. Lucky for us, they were open 'til 9:00 so we had plenty of time to walk around.....and trust me you need it at this place. It's freakin' HUGE (like your mom's butt).

As crazy at it may sound, I left my house without a camera. I know, I know, but luckily I had my phone, because there was just way too much awesomeness in this place that I needed to share......

Behold the mama wolfcat and her cub. This bitch (seriously, she is) had nipples. Real live nipples. Ok, so they weren't real live, but they were real lively to play with. I know, I know.....baby animals died to put the fur on this sweetass wolfcat, but I still want it. At $39.99 though, it'll have to stay right where it's at for now.




"What in the hell is that?" you may be thinking.
Well, I'm not too sure, but the tag says "Lady in Dog House". Looks like lady rolled around in some dog poo too. I loved her. Meme loved her. She was $15.95. One of us will have her.



Just shortly after I tripped and kicked the stupid wheel on the stupid buggy I was pushin' around (breakin' yet another fuckin' toenail), Meme found her some magic stilts.
I mean, I say they were magic. She got up on 'em and walked around for a bit without fallin'....that's pretty freakin' magical if you ask me.

Just around the corner from the magic stilts was this mini-sombrero that would be perfect to wear when I'm ridin' a mini-donkey......mang.

Then there was this hat.....

For this little......uh, doll. I ain't got much to say.

Of course, bein' in the south, antique malls have tons of black-americana. This one struck my fancy in particular seein' as how I'm on some sorta unintentional mini-donkey kick these days. This little dude has his own mini-donkey......although I'm guessin' it's a mini-mule and it came with 40 acres.

I really want this dude sittin' on my mantle.

I mean really....just look at that makeup and those jazz hands. What girl wouldn't want a little bit 'o Wildcat Juice if that were the results.

This was just scary.

It was one of the many things I thought about buyin' so I could sneak it into the kids rooms late at night and put it on the dresser.....I'd make a loud noise to startle them awake and I'd flash real quick with a flash light. Good times I tell ya, good times. Those credit card companies ain't got nothin' on my priceless moments.

This.......this is another thing I wasn't to sure about, but I'd love to own it nonetheless. Crazy, wacky teacher with a white hands and a prune for a face.....and the dunce cap. Let's not forget about the dunce cap.

My favorite part of the antique mall is the section with vintage clothes and hats.

We totally got busted playin' dress up by one of the lovely ladies that worked there. She was awesome though. She told us to go up front and have some free chocolate, cookies and wine. WHA? Free food and wine??? Too bad I think wine tastes like butt.

Meme's hat is way awesomer than mine.....and no, we ain't joinin' that old ladies hat club. I've already been asked.

I had my own awesome red hat though.......and check out those bullet boobs. Dang....obnoxious.

After Meme and I spent some quality time tryin' on hats, we were on our way out.......then we turned the corner and saw THIS......

WOWZA!!!! Bitch damn stolt Jamiroquai's hat, her daddy's unds and she's got her titties all floppin' around in a wife beater. Ok, so her boobs are all perky and shit, but whatever....I say they're floppin'. That's some piece-a art I must say. You can almost hear her suckin' her teeth. I told Jeremy a few months back that I wanted a life sized poster of Edward Cullen to hang in our room.....I changed my mind.

I think this may be have been one of the best Friday night dates I've ever been on. Ok, so I've never actually been on a date....unless you count me and Brandy cruisin' the K-Mart parkin' lot for dudes with mullets a date.