Stupid.

I haven't been writing lately. I haven't been answerin' my phone or respondin' to emails a whole lot either.....I know. I've been busy tryin' to build a time machine so I could slow down time and actually enjoy the holidays. So far, it hasn't worked. Stupid time machine.

Everything seems to be in fast forward around Christmas time and I hate it. I can't seem to slow things down and enjoy it all. I decorated the house early. Got the presents wrapped and under the tree early. Everything certainly looks festive, but I just ain't feelin' it. Stupid time all goin' by too fast.

I really feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. It's been building for months now and I've been pretty successful at stavein' it off. Hopefully I can keep it up, but it's gettin' harder and harder. Is this what depression is?!?!? If it is, stupid depression.

My house is a mess. Everything from my basement is STILL in my dining room from the flood.....or in our case floods....and you know how you just feel better in a neat clean place? Stupid torrential rain.

I'm afraid if I start movin' the bigger awkward things back down, I'll end up takin' a head first spill down the stairs. Every time I think about doin' it, I just think there ain't no way I can move all that heavy shit that everything else goes on without me fallin' down the stairs. Stupid wonky ass fallin' down problem.

Yeah...I fall. Like all the time. Just this mornin' as a matter of fact. There's leaves all over our drive way. Wet, nasty leaves. I was all walkin' along and then ffftttt.....feet came out from underneath me and I was on the driveway. Awesome. I just sat there for a minute and cried. Yep....meltdown....it's comin'....I can feel it. I didn't cuss. I didn't scream at the leaves for bein' stupid....I just sat there and cried. Stupid wet fuckin' leaves on the driveway. Stupid driveway.

Here's the problem.....I've been really, really lonely these days despite the fact that people are always around. One very important person just ain't around anymore.....even when he's in the same room as me, he just ain't there. My mostest bestest friend......M....I....A......and I have no control over it. None. Take control away from a control freak and that's a sure fire meltdown.

I've soaked in everyone's depressin' ass bullshit so much these days that I'm just barely managin' my own bullshit. I'm on bullshit overload. I'd really just like to disappear for a little while and come back when things are better.

You make your own happiness and you make your own misery. It's gettin' harder and harder to make happy and that's just stupid.