Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The life you've led has been a good one and now it's time to go on. Time to go on to endless back yards to run around in and steak for dinner every night. There will be the biggest water bowl you've ever seen. It'll be like the size of a big ol' lake so you can even swim around in it if you want. Just don't pee in it, you won't wanna drink you're own pee. Well, not that you'd wanna drink anyone's pee but still, that'd be totally gross.
You were always such an amazing mama dog. Your puppies turned your little boobies into big fat Slim Jim pieces and you wore them like badges of honor. We were always your cheering section when it came to be that time, but you didn't need us, you were awesome at birthin' them babies all on your own. You even loved that little one that didn't have a butthole. Only the best of mama's could've done that. When we brought a new puppy home, you treated him just as if he were your own. You let him cuddle up in the crook of your back leg and you schooled him when he got outta line. Such a good mama.
I'll always remember you shakin' your ass when you wagged your tail. You'd curve your entire body around so your butt would be all up in your face. You were always so happy and so grateful.
You've always been our eyes and ears, barkin' whenever someone came into the yard that you thought shouldn't. You sounded so fierce. I wouldn't wanna mess with you if I didn't know you. You sounded like one tough lady, even though you were a total mush at heart. You don't have to worry though, Bruiser's already practicin' barkin' at strangers when he never really ever barked before. It's the strangest thing, but I guess he knows and he's steppin' in to fill some mighty big shoes.
This is by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. We will always think of you and always love you. You are totally irreplaceable.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
My memory blows. Bad. I hate it. I figure when I'm old (and if I can remember how to work a computer) I'll come back here and reminisce over all the randome things I remember......
At my first elementary school, left handed kids were segregated from the rest of the class like there was something wrong with them.
I wanted to be Cindy Lauper when I grew up.
The first fight I ever got into was over who was gonna be Wonder Woman.
My brother pushing me while I was runnin' in the street and when I hit the concrete, I broke my arm....or should I say HE broke my arm.
Bustin' my ass tyrin' to do a wheelie on my bicycle and I flipped over on myself....my brother carried me all the way home.
Giving a boyfriend in middle school a necklace of hickeys at the arcade.....ew.
The second time I met J, he told me I had to break up with my boyfriend or he was gonna beat him up.....I dumped him that night.
The first time I met J I called him somethin' rude and he flipped me off.
Fishing on the dock at my Nana's in Florida and catching my line on a hornet's nest.....I got stung...a lot.
Cutting my own hair and tellin' my mom I had fallen asleep with gum in my mouth and it ended up in my hair....no seriously, mom....I just totally whacked up my hair, but I'm sure you knew that.....I've never been a very good liar.
Watching the Principal at my first high school blow her nose on a kleenex I just wiped my sweaty armpit on.
Gettin' busted smokin' at that same high school by Robocop and taken to the office. I said I wasn't smokin', the principal said she wanted to smell my fingers. I giggled, held two fingers out and said "really? you wanna smell my fingers? Go ahead" She told me to get out of her her office.
Being terrified that the swamp thing was gonna come and get me and take me back to his swamp.
I went to a show that a boy I was seeing was playing and had to lie to get there. I wasn't allowed to do shit.....about an hour into the show, my Mom and Stepdad showed up in matching tiedyed neon "I've been to the Bahama's" shirts. BUSTED. I thought I had died it was so embarrassing.
Gettin' someone else's blood on me once and thinking "oh my god...I'm probably gonna have AIDS now." ....I was seriously scared. Everything turned out just fine.
Having horse shit fights when I was younger. I'd totally do it again.
Wishing I could fit in when I was 10, and realizing that I never would by the time I was 12.
The first (and last) time I smoked pot out of a bong, I blew into it.......how else was I gonna make it bubble up like everyone else was? What a mess that ended up being.
J throwing up out the window of my car once (about 14 years ago) when I was driving and it gettin' all over the side of my car. When we got home I filled a pot with scalding hot water and dumped it on him as he hung out of the car window passed out. I TOLD him he better not puke. He did.
Talkin' a Fred Perry sweater of some mexican chick at a thrift store. She was wearing it. I wanted it. She didn't speak english. I told her my brother's birthday was two days away and he would love the sweater. I gave her two bucks for it. I sold it on ebay for 50 somethin'. I hadn't realized until that day how much high school spanish would come in hand.
I know I remember more awesome things....they'll just come to me later.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I have a husband who complains that he's all old and stuff and he totally ain't, a boy that forgets everything about everything, a girl that argues with me like she's 16.....and a totally retarded dog.
The husband. He's in his 30's. He's smokin' ass hot and built like a brick shit house....who even though he's put on like 30 lbs. since he was in his 20's, has gotten only slightly softer than he was 10 years ago. He's big and manly and awesome, but he says he feels old. He hurts all over all the time. His knees, his back, his...toe....whatever. He's in his 30's! Look, we all spent a little too much runnin' around with total wreckless abandonment, but we aren't geriatric yet. Hurting is a fact of gettin' older....and fatter. It's life. It happens to all of us. You're a sexy mother fucker, so shoosh it....you are not old. I wish I could convince you......It's so frustrating.
The boy. I feel like if I don't hold his hands, he ain't gonna make it. I used to help him with his homework every night, study with him every night, obsessively keep in contact with his teachers all the time.....but last year I decided is was time to wean him. Let him step out into the big ol' world on his own and I'd just hang back in the shadows and help when I was asked to. I did it gradually so it wasn't a bickety bam all at once type thing. Well, it ain't workin'. I always find out about things a day too late or just the day before. For instance.....he has a band concert on a Wednesday, but neglects to tell me about it until the Tuesday before AND he was given a form to order a shirt for said concert back in NOVEMBER, but neglected to give it to me. I'm forever looking at his teacher's blogs so I can kinda keep up, but seriously, who thinks to look at the band teacher's blog? It's so FRUSTRATING!
The girl. The child is a.....CHILD. She ain't a teenager. She has a mouth like a teenager and sometimes I'd like to whack it....but she's a child. This isn't supposed to happen yet. She's not supposed to be all sass mouthy and shit. Sometimes she just needs to shut up, quit arguing. Quit bein' all sassy. Change that tone up a bit before I hang your ass upside down off the freakin' deck and dump honey on you so the bugs eat your ass up. For the love of god......it's totally FRUSTRATING.
Last but not least.....our retarded mama dog. She's now full blown retarded and god didn't intend for me to take care of anything retarded. Bless her heart. Bless my heart! I'm doin' the best that I can, but it's not easy havin' a dog who doesn't realize if your standin' in the corner all you gotta do is back out of it; a dog who gets in between your back and the toilet lid while your sittin' on the toilet; a dog who can't figure out how to get up the stairs to save her life even though your holdin' on to her harness helpin' her up; a dog who has no idea who she is or who we are; a dog who drinks water and forgets how to swallow it all so the shit oozes outta her mouth in big long droolage; a dog who walks in circles and don't know why.....circles, circles, circles. You have to make her stop, but then she's right back at it....even in her crate at night. It's gotta drive her crazy, I know it drives me crazy.....totally and completely helpless....and oh so frustrating. I wish I could make her better.
I was meant to be in control, but am learning that I can't control everything and I just might be losing my mind.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Big Wheel Bitches finally have our very own webpage...our own space on the interweb!
"Never come down off your chariot to fight those who are throwing tomatoes"
This goes back to the old tried and true saying, "pick your battles".
Why stoop to someone else's level when it's just not worth it? Why raise your blood pressure? Nobody looks good all bug eyed with veins poppin' outta their head because they're so worked up over what really amounts to nothing. We've all done it, and it just makes us look like fools.
You gotta learn to sit back and watch people say and do stupid things, even if it pertains to you. It's way funner (another totally awesome word). Who cares if someone's talkin' crap about you? Let it roll of your back. Why involve yourself with other people's stupid? Chances are, they're an insignificant person who has nothing better to do and hates life. Chances are, they're miserable and when you respond to they're stupid, you give them exactly what they're lookin' for. You give them a reason to keep going.
Don't step off your chariot just because someone's throwin' tomatoes at you. They're only tomatoes after all and it takes two to start a food fight. Wouldn't it be way funnier to watch one person attempt to have a food fight all by themselves? I totally think so.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Evidently my last post ruffled a few feathers.
You see, I'm not easily offended and don't think anyone else should be either. It's just lame. I don't get my panties all wadded up over other people's innocuous garble. Why would anybody actually care if I had fried chicken for dinner to honor our new black president? You think that makes me racist. Really? Um, no it makes me awesome. PLUS, one of my best friends when I was in like 4th grade was black....so yeah, take that! I also played the flute and loved Tone Loc....what? You don't KNOW me.
Honestly, why would anyone give a flyin' terd what I say or do? Sometimes I enjoy gettin' under people's skin....just because I can, and I may not have felt like dancin' at that particular moment so I had to fill the void somehow, ya know? I know that some of the things I write aren't gonna set well with everybody and I'm totally ok with that.
There's a lot of stuff crowdin' up this head o' mine and this blog is how I get it out. If you don't like it, why do you wanna keep comin' back to read it every day?
DING, DING, DING........I WIN!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
So, to make up for the fact that I didn't vote, we're gonna have our very own inauguration celebration dinner tonight to celebrate our first black president. That should get me some kinda brownie points, right?
We've got the menu all planned out and it's gonna be DE-LICIOUS. We're gonna have fried chicken, collards, homemade macaroni and cheese, coleslaw, cornbread and grape koolaid.
Now, before anybody decides to go and get all holier than thou sayin' what ignorant bigots we are, let me just say......shoosh yo mouth. This is a truly historical day for the afro (I know all about afros, and I totally sympathize!) american community and I wanna be a part. My skin ain't black but dammit, my soul is. The drunker I get the more the real me comes out and the real me is an old sassy black lady named Fannie. So, yeah, YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
I also put research in for this dinner....Google soul food, see what comes up. Plus, the two most powerful black women in America (Oprah and Beyonce......duh) say their favorite food is fried chicken. THEN, there was the episode of Flavor of Love where Flavor Flave made the girls cook fried chicken from his mama's recipe and the one with the best chicken won a date with him. So, yeah, totally not bein' ignorant. It is what it is and I just wanna be a part of a celebration that's all.
Even though I didn't vote, I am ever so grateful that Obama won if only for the sake of tonight's dinner. If McCain would've been the one, dinner would've totally sucked ass seein' as how he's a geriatric robot and what the hell do geriatric robots eat anyways? We'd have to have dinner no later than 4 o'clock this afternoon (so we could all be in bed by 7:30) and it would've consisted of liver and onions, mashed potatoes, prunes and Metamucil. Could you imagine trying to get kids to choke that mess down. Blech...
I'll end with a short note to our new President.
Dear Mr. President Obama,
Please don't fuck it all up even worse than it already is. You got a lot of people watchin' you with a lot of high expectations. I understand that you're a black man, but you're also half white so please don't forget about us white people, our ancestors struggled too. My grandmother will tell you just like she's told many a other afro-americans "I picked my own damn cotton"...and she ain't even kiddin'. That woman picked cotton till her fingers blead, just like some of your ancestors, so please, Mr. President Obama, don't forget about us white people and don't fuck it all up even worse.
Friday, January 16, 2009
All the boys keep jockin', they chase me after school.....Myyyyyy lipglooosssss........
This is what we do when we're bored.....on a Thursday.
I was in the kitchen when the boy walked around the corner lookin' like this.....my cute little cuban....
Then this.....the undercover cop trying to not look like an undercover cop...
The girl....wow. I don't even know what to say about this. What the hell is up with the eyebrows and the mole...and the mexican dress...and the patent shoes? Oh lord....what have I created?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
FINALLY! Cold weather's on it's way and it's about to get WAY freakin' colder. Like lows in the teens and highs in the 30's. I know for some of you that read this that ain't shit, but whatever!
It's so cold that this morning when I went to Starbucks for my grande Salted Caramel Espresso Truffle (uh yeah, heaven), there was a chick there turning in an application and she was still in her house slippers! No shit! She was so cold that her limbs were too stiff for her to bend down to tie a pair of shoes. I pointed at her and laughed. She flipped me off. I blew her a kiss. I wish I'd had my camera.
Because the temperature is supposed to only drop today, I told the girl she had to dress super warm so her skinny ass little self wouldn't freeze. She actually managed to get long john's under her already ridiculously skinny skinny jeans. She did an awesome job at bundling up seeing as how there's hardly ever a need to do that here.....god, what a spazz!
Last night we did finally manage to buy an ass ton of firewood. YAY! I love having a fire in the house. It's all warm and cozy and makes the house smell all yummy. It kinda makes me wish I lived somewhere else where I could have a fire all the time. Somewhere like....Maine. Yeah, MAINE! I mean seriously it's stunning and I wanna live there....as of today.... and in THIS house that's along the Rangeley River....in Maine.Yeah, so back to reality. It'll be cold here for a day or two, then it'll be in the 60's by the middle of next week. I seriously hate the weather in the south. Stupid weather.
Today we should be getting another crate so we can keep Mama in the living room with us instead of her going downstairs with the other dogs. Bless her heart. Last night she didn't hardly do any circling, choosing to sleep on the loveseat instead. She did stand up once (on the loveseat) though and just shove her face in the pillows. It was REALLY weird. She just stood there with her face rammed into the pillows until J got up and moved her. I told him it's like we have a deaf retarded kid in the house now. She couldn't hear worth a shit in the first place, but now, now it's like all of a sudden all she understands in Yiddish and we don't speak Yiddish. Last night, when we got back from getting firewood, I didn't see her anywhere. I called her and she didn't come. I walked into the living room and she was stuck between the wall and the Christmas tree (yeah, it's still up....what?). She was just standing there. Stuck.
Anyhow, yeah, it's cold. I gotta go buy some marshmallows to roast. I'm totally lame like that.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Yesterday J took Mama to the vet and she's still with us so it ain't so bad at least. She mentioned the possibility of brain tumors, but they drew some blood and said they call with the results. Not that blood work could tell us about brain tumors, but it could eliminate several other problems.
When J got home with Dresden (affectionately called Mama if you're confused!) she couldn't stop walking in circles. Circles, circles, circles. Here she goes......outta the kitchen then back in the other way.She would stop every now and again to drink, eat or stare in the corner, but it didn't' seem like she could stay still for very long.
I ended up having to physically make her stop walking circles. It was totally freakin' me. I walked her over to where she lays down and told her to lay down. Sha. She was havin' none of that. She started walkin' circles on her damn blanket! Not the rootin' around tryin' to get comfy type thing....actually circling over and over and over. It's the craziest damn thing I've ever seen. It was actually amusing for a bit, but then I realized how completely frustrated and exhausted she must feel and then I started crying AGAIN. DAMMIT! She totally doesn't need to seed me all cryin'. She'd start wonderin' why I'm cryin' and if there's something wrong or not, then she'll get upset.....UGH! She was home and it wasn't to say goodbye so I made myself quit and be grateful.
Finally, I had to make her sit down and I had to pull her front legs out to force her to lay down. I laid there with her for a minute and pet her until she fell asleep. That lasted oh, I dunno, 10 minutes....then back to it.
I felt so bad. It can't go on like this.
We put her up on the couch with us and that did it. She was out. YAY! No more circles!
Once she was sleeping again, I googled "dogs walking in circles" and came up with the Vestibular Syndrome. Everything under dogs walking in circles said this was the cause. There is hope! It's basically seen in "geriatric" dogs (let's hope she doesn't know she's being considered geriatric!). It's an inner ear problem and should go away in no more than two or three weeks.
When the vet called to tell me the results of the blood work, I asked her why she didn't mention the vestibular thing and she said that Mama didn't show one of the major signs that came with it....something about rapid eye movements. I had read that as a symptom last night, but it wasn't present in every case. The vet said we can only hope that's what the problem is. Let's hope!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Don't you hate it when you put forth the effort to come by and see what I've got to say and there's nothing new? Yeah, well, sometimes my creative juices don't work and words fail me. For those of you that know me, it's weird I know.
I've just been totally lame lately. I've been reading pretty much constantly. I've gotten totally addicted to the Twilight series. I still believe vampires are totally gay, but I freakin' LOVE these books. Does that make me gay? Maybe. J says it does, but whatever. He's gay....look.......
Ok, so he's totally hot, even in the gay mask.
Back to vampires......I read the second book in the Twilight series, New Moon, this weekend and need to get the third, but thought I'd take a break because J complains I've always got my nose buried in a book. He's just jealous because he doesn't know how to read unless there's lots of pictures....like nekkid ones. Mmmhm....that's right.
Not only have I been reading everyday, but I've also been listening to books on cd in the car everyday. The last few books I've attempted to listen to though, I haven't gotten past the first couple of chapters because I couldn't stand the narrator's voice. The books narrated by men tend to really irk me. Especially when they do a woman's voice. There's this one guy that sounds like Jeff Conway (better known as Kenicky) when he does a woman's voice and all I can think about is Kenicky being a total waste of human space on VH1's Celebrity Rehab (which I had to stop watching, because it made me want to kill people).
Now, back to Twilight. I'd like to just say one more thing on that. Hypothetically speaking, if someone were to tell me they were a vampire and wanted to know if that scared me.....I'd be all "hell yeah! I'm gettin' the fuck outta here"and I'd run....fast. That is, after I finished pointing and laughing telling them how gay I thought they were for actually saying they were a vampire. Not that I'd live past pointing and laughing and telling a vampire they were gay.
Something else that's really cool about this series is that the author, Stephenie Meyer, is going to write a book paralleling the first book, but from the vampire's point of view versus the girl's point of view as in the first book. That's awesome. Evidently, someone leaked the first chapter or so of this book so it's on hold indefinitely, but you can read the first chapter of it here. Genius, I tell ya, genius.
P.S. Vampires are still totally gay.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Check this chick out....she TOTALLY knows what I'm sayin'......
I'm not sure what the muscle arms are for though. That, is one body enhancer I don't need.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
If there's one thing that I totally freakin' despise, it's takers. If you enable certain people to take advantage of you, if you allow certain people to exploit your good will, they totally fucking will.....It's how you handle it that matters.
You can't control the stupid that stupid people inflict on you, but you can know that they're stupid and not allow them to inflict their stupid on you especially when they're not in your life anymore. I mean really.....Why let someone continually ruin your bright and shiney day (you know you love bright and shiney days)? It ain't gotta be all rainy and poopy everyday. Ok, so it ain't EVERYday, but why let the stupids ruin any moment of ANY day? Stupid people have this power to know that they're still fuckin' you up even though you think they don't know it and that just makes them ring their stupid hands and go "mwahahahaha". Yep. Just like that.
Stupid stuff will happen to stupid people. You know...... karma? It will take over, so you ain't gotta even think about it anymore. There's all the hope in the world so quit sayin' c'mon 2012 you doofus, because by then, you'll probably be married and have a kid and still be all grumpy and shit, but whatever. There is hope. Awesome things come to awesome people and the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be my dearest Scooter.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A new year is upon us and I can only hope it's as awesome as 2008. I've seen and heard so many people sayin' they hope this year is better than the last. I say, your year will be what you make it. You go into it with a suck ass attitude, that's exactly what you'll get out of it. You got no right to complain unless you'll willing to change it, so shut up and have an AWESOME year!
Looking back on 2008, I feel really, really lucky and know that it'll just keep gettin' better.
Here are a few things I hope for in the new year outside of the standard health and happiness stuff....
For J, I hope that he continues to not smoke and that he stays where he's workin' and is happy with it.
For the boy, I hope that he grows like 4 inches, quits lying about homework, makes more friends besides the one that accidentally sends me gay ass text messages at all hours of the night that say "forward this message to everyone you love or they'll die tomorrow in a horrible unicorn accident" and I hope that he'll come out of his room a bit more.
For the girl, I hope that I can find a muzzle for her. No, I'm kidding. I do hope though that she gets that she really needs to shut up sometimes before I whack her with something. I hope that she finds better friends, because most of the one's she has now are gonna be the girls that smoke in the bathroom (do they do that anymore in school?) and screw way too many boys. On a better note, I hope that she doesn't stop telling me everything or get tired of snuggling with me and following me everywhere.
Now, for me. I hope that I can find a doctor who will give me fat crack, because I need to lose weight because I don't want diabetes yet and I think exercise is for sissies and I LOVE to eat. I hope to get Bess's transmission fixed. I hope that my nose will unstop itself sometime soon. I hope to be more tolerant with stupid people. I hope to not think that 95% of people are really stupid. I hope I start caring about cleaning my house and making my yard pretty again, but I doubt I will. I hope I don't get anymore zits, because I'm not a danged teenager anymore. I hope to maintain 100% pure awesomeness with my J and our kids.
Ok, one last thing.....I hope that people start asking me how to make my potato salad, because I'm damn tired of fixin' it!
On that note, I'm off to make potato salad.
Happy New Year to you all!
Go mbeire muid beo ar an am seo arís!