Thursday, October 23, 2008

I'm Cold

Over the years, I've been called many things. Spaz, freak, bitch, big mouth, slutface (which I LOVED), biggot, idiot, sensitive (HA! That one was funny!).....I could probably go on and on if I thought about it long and hard enough.

Recently though, I've been told that I was more than one of my friends. To this, I just waived the notion away with my hand. Cold? No. Maybe 10 years ago, but now? I don't think so or should I say DIDN'T until today.

These days, I'm much happier than I have been in years. My husband and kids are awesome and I love hangin' out with them, I have a stronger relationship with my husband than we have ever had before and I have a lot of great friends. How can I possibly be COLD when my life is pretty flippin' sweet!?!

Well, I figured it out today. On the way to work I was listening to a book on cd called "We Need to Talk About Kevin". It's a mother's/wife's letters written to her estranged husband after their 15 year old son goes on a shooting rampage at his school. Something she said really stuck with me.....

"To not allow yourself to get close to anyone out of fear of being hurt is to not live life".

I said that over and over to myself. It really struck a chord with me and I couldn't put my finger on why. Then I got it. Some of my friends say I'm cold....I am and that was why.

Ok, so I do tend to keep my friends at arm's length. The less I know, the less they know, the less involved I/we are, the less bullshit there can be in the future. I mean, if you can save yourself heartache that you know is inevitable, wouldn't you? I guess that's my problem. I think that allowing yourself to be really involved in your friends lives leaves you vulnerable and open to let down and heartache and a lot of unnecessary bullshit.

I'm not putting forth enough effort I suppose. I laugh with my friends, I dance with my friends and I talk shit with my friends, but I keep them all at arm's length. It's like my brain is on an anti-depressant when it comes to friendships. I don't let anything get to me one way or the other. It's so much easier to just not get involved. I see so many people injecting themselves into other people's concerns and issues and then there's me......I just don't care. I've probably said that a million times in the last few months.......I DON'T CARE. I've stayed right in the middle of the road. It's easier there.

So, as it turns out I am cold. Part of me wants to say "So what? I'm cold....get the fuck over it", but that just make me mean on top of being cold.

I really should be a better friend to some of my friends and I guess I oughta try and fix it.


Stitchblade said...

I love yer cold arse...
oh adn you forgot "Queen Flatulence"

Stitchblade said...

that should read AND

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