A Bad Case of Noassatall

You ever see those people that have no ass at all? I mean none. Nothing. It goes from back to ass without even the slightest difference. You know, those people that just got a back with a crack in it. Yeah, well I have.....everytime I turn around and look in a mirror. I have no ass. Even after gaining back the damn near 30 lbs I lost last year......still......no ass.

I'm gonna hunt me down a pair of them padded panties and buy me some. You ever see those panties that have padding in them? They're pretty flippin' sweet. An old friend of mine bought same and they did wonders for her back with a crack so I thought I'd go try some on and see if they'd work for me. My first expereince with them was no bueno.......

I happened to be at the mall with my daughter so her and I went into Fredericks. I got all kindsa awesome questions from my then 6 year old. They had this diamond thong and bra displayed in a glass case. She asked why they would make a bra and panties outta diamonds. She said, "don't you think that'd be uncomfortable?". She went on to ask where you would wear this bedazzled bra and panty set. Tired of all the questions, I told her women buy them and wear them around the house to clean.....that when the light hit them just right, all the sparkles made the house look cleaner. She said "you mean you would wear that while you clean? What would happen when you bend over to clean the tub?". Oh god help me.....where the hell are the padded panties??????

Finally after heading to the back of the store where they keep what I like to call all the "uglies", I found them. They had black and tan. They were HUGE (me being a pretty big girl anyhow....sheesh!) and looked like they would go up under your boobs. Oh well, I've seen somebody wearin' 'em before and they looked and felt real under jeans so I was determined. Especially since my husband is a big time ass man and I am totally ass challenged.

I grabbed a pair of the black one's (if that shit's gonna be half way up my back, I figured it'd look better in black) and went to try them on. I heaved and I hoed and bickety bam, the butt panties were on. Holy god, I was pantin' like a dog and my daughter was starin' at me in horror. She said "you wanna butt THAT bad mom?"......yes, yes I did.

I wasn't even gonna glance at myself in the mirror wearing the atrocious granny panties until I got my jeans back on. I put my jeans on and I turned around and to check out what I was sure to be my new amazing padunkadunk ass and uh yeah, I looked like a total freakin' dump truck. Not only did it accentuate the cheeks, but also the hips. Jesus. I need NO HELP in the hip department.

I was defeated. I took off the hideous butt panties and headed out. I told the black chick with an big 'ol awesome ass that helped me that there was no hope. As my daughter and I walked out of the store, she starts singin' "I like BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie"......

My hunt shall continue. I WILL have a butt.

Rev Run's Words of Wisdom

Yes my friends, it's time for another installment of the ever so wise Rev Run's Words of Wisdom...... "Never come down off your chariot to fight those who are throwing tomatoes" This goes back to the old tried and true saying, "pick your battles". Why stoop to someone else's level when it's just not worth it? Why raise your blood pressure? Nobody looks good all bug eyed with veins poppin ' outta their head because they're so worked up over what really amounts to nothing. We've all done it, and it just makes us look like fools. You gotta learn to sit back and watch people say and do stupid things, even if it pertains to you. It's way funner (another totally awesome word). Who cares if someone's talkin ' crap about you? Let it roll of your back. Why involve yourself with other people's stupid? Chances are, they're an insignificant person who has nothing better to do and hates life. Chances are, they're miserable ...

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

On the Outside Lookin' In

You pass by it everyday. It's a house that you used to know so very well. The house is a pretty flippin' sweet ass house and you wonder what it's like on the inside now. One day you pull up in the driveway, get outta your car and go look in one of the windows. Your curiosity has gotten the better of you. You figure it's early in the morning, so what's the chances anyone will ever even notice? As you expected, everything pretty much looks the same, just different furniture and you're just not there anymore. You go back day after day lookin' in the windows and one day the person that lives there sees you and wonders what in the sam hell you're doin'. Since they really get a kick outta watchin' you all cuppin' your hands up to your face tryin' to get a peak in at what the house is like now, they just sit on the inside and watch. You look harmless enough. Day after day after day, you're on the outside lookin' in and they're on the...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

Search This Blog