Monday, October 20, 2008

A Bad Case of Noassatall

You ever see those people that have no ass at all? I mean none. Nothing. It goes from back to ass without even the slightest difference. You know, those people that just got a back with a crack in it. Yeah, well I have.....everytime I turn around and look in a mirror. I have no ass. Even after gaining back the damn near 30 lbs I lost last year......still......no ass.

I'm gonna hunt me down a pair of them padded panties and buy me some. You ever see those panties that have padding in them? They're pretty flippin' sweet. An old friend of mine bought same and they did wonders for her back with a crack so I thought I'd go try some on and see if they'd work for me. My first expereince with them was no bueno.......

I happened to be at the mall with my daughter so her and I went into Fredericks. I got all kindsa awesome questions from my then 6 year old. They had this diamond thong and bra displayed in a glass case. She asked why they would make a bra and panties outta diamonds. She said, "don't you think that'd be uncomfortable?". She went on to ask where you would wear this bedazzled bra and panty set. Tired of all the questions, I told her women buy them and wear them around the house to clean.....that when the light hit them just right, all the sparkles made the house look cleaner. She said "you mean you would wear that while you clean? What would happen when you bend over to clean the tub?". Oh god help me.....where the hell are the padded panties??????

Finally after heading to the back of the store where they keep what I like to call all the "uglies", I found them. They had black and tan. They were HUGE (me being a pretty big girl anyhow....sheesh!) and looked like they would go up under your boobs. Oh well, I've seen somebody wearin' 'em before and they looked and felt real under jeans so I was determined. Especially since my husband is a big time ass man and I am totally ass challenged.

I grabbed a pair of the black one's (if that shit's gonna be half way up my back, I figured it'd look better in black) and went to try them on. I heaved and I hoed and bickety bam, the butt panties were on. Holy god, I was pantin' like a dog and my daughter was starin' at me in horror. She said "you wanna butt THAT bad mom?"......yes, yes I did.

I wasn't even gonna glance at myself in the mirror wearing the atrocious granny panties until I got my jeans back on. I put my jeans on and I turned around and to check out what I was sure to be my new amazing padunkadunk ass and uh yeah, I looked like a total freakin' dump truck. Not only did it accentuate the cheeks, but also the hips. Jesus. I need NO HELP in the hip department.

I was defeated. I took off the hideous butt panties and headed out. I told the black chick with an big 'ol awesome ass that helped me that there was no hope. As my daughter and I walked out of the store, she starts singin' "I like BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie"......
My hunt shall continue. I WILL have a butt.

4 comments:

Misti Mayhem said...

Lunges.. that is the only way to get an ass.. unless you go for the implants. I have a "ghetto booty" already.. and no boobs.. but believe me.. you don't want the real thing.. MINE HAS FALLLEN.. and refuses to get up.. no matter how much I talk to it.. that's why I wear tight jeans..

sofia said...

You can get these panties in Japan! They are in most of the home catalogs I look at along with odd looking bras and other contraptions!

Stitchblade said...

Hahahah that is hilarious. I can so see Iris singing!

lorraine renee said...

I sooooo need theese!

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