My Secret's Out. I'm Eight Months Pregnant.

I know, I know. I haven't told anybody, because, well......it's totally not true. However, should I have a high school reunion come up outta no where, that's totally what I'm telling everybody!

Tonight, I needed to figure out what I'm wearing to a wedding tomorrow. I have an awesome pencil skirt (which is short enough to show the kick ass scab on my knee from when I fell on the ice!), a burgundy sexy satiny pin-up style shirt that the girls TOTALLY look fantastic in, fishnet stockings and my favorite slut shoes. I NEVER dress up like this so I was pretty excited when I headed for the mirror. Looking straight on in the mirror....dead sexy bitches! DEAD SEXY! Then I turned to the side to check out my ass and I instead noticed my..... big... 'o ...belly. It was all "HEELLLOOO" (my belly has and Irish accent). My belly has obviously gotten jealous of the bootiliciousness of my behind when I wear my butt panties, so it figured it was time to pick up the pace and catch up. That thing sticks out WAY more than my ass now. Granted I have no ass, but DAAAAMN! Good job, belly, good job! Super high fives for you.

I of course immediately headed downstairs to show J. I came prancing into the living room like I was all hot as shit and said, "Check this out." and as I turned the corner said "I'm 8 months pregnant". I turned to the side and bikety BAM there that shit was. J said "wow, I had a vasectomy like 7 years ago....who's the dad? Ok, he didn't say that, but he did say we both REALLY need to start exercising. My response? "FUCK exercise....that shit's for hippies". That's pretty much my response to anything I don't wanna do. Damn hippies.

Seriously, I've put on the lbs. in the last year. Like 35 pounds probably. I don't really know, I don't ever get on a scale. I've always just rolled with the punches. I get bigger, I go buy bigger clothes.....and spanx. To me, I'm always awesome no matter what. Even more, I'm always awesome to J no matter what.

So what if I'm gettin' all chubby and shit? Um, no. Chubby was like 15 pounds ago. Now, it's just plain 'ol fat. I think I first realized it when I started wearing gutsuckers (spanx) all the time. ALL the time. Not just for certain pants anymore....it's EVERYDAY now and let met tell you, those things suck ass.

I guess it's time. I need to straighten my ass out. No more pilin' a plate full of country fried goodness and smotherin' it in white gravy. No more printing out 10 free pints of Ben and Jerry's coupons and headin' to Kroger, no more mass consumption of gin.....ok, so maybe not so much on the last one, but seriously, the time as come. I gotta lose weight. I can't be walkin' around lookin' all pregnant and shit.

Fat Jessica is goin' back to chubby Jessica......you watch. You'll see.

P.S. Anybody know of a doctor that will prescribe me fat crack? No, I'm kidding....but seriously, does anybody?

Because I'm TOTALLY Awesome Like That!

Today I was checkin' out the Cake Wrecks Blog and it was about my favoritist feline EVER (actually the only feline I like)...... HELLO KITTY ! WOW, there are some pretty shit cakes out there claiming to be Hello Kitty cakes. One even looks like Porky the freakin' Pig. The very last cake she wrote about tough is a cake I have worshiped forEVER . The first time I saw the HK zombie cake was on this site called Hello Kitty Hell which was a site I learned of when a friend of mine had sent me an email saying she'd seen one of my tattoos online. At first I thought "WHAT!?!?!? Really? Which one? Are they makin' fun of the big ass nekkid blue fairy that covers my ENTIRE back?" No, it couldn't be....no one even sees that tattoo.....ever. I clicked the link she had sent me and it took me to a fantastic place called Hello Kitty Hell . Wha? I ain't ever seen this place before! The dude who writes it says he's married to a crazed maniac of a wife that must h...

13 Roses 13 Dollar Tattoos!

Y'all have been lookin' for it and here it is! Yes , 13 Roses in Atlanta is gonna have another $13 tattoo (plus lucky $7 tip!) this upcoming Friday the 13th! Turn one of the unluckiest days of the year into your lucky day! You got a $20 bill, you gotta tattoo...... Q & A What does $20 get you? A kick ass tattoo by a kick ass artist. On the 13th, the shop will put on the front door a sheet of paper that has the tattoos you can choose from. Don't expect a half sleeve dipshit. It's a $20 tattoo!!! See that 13 on my arm? That's what I got last time..... ....and this taco (mmmm tacos)....it's what I got another time..... and that shit's a coupon at Holy Taco in East Atlanta....yep....a coupon. Does it just cost $13 for the tattoo? No asshat.....it's $13 tattoos with a $7 tip......$20. You got more than 2o dolla....tip more. Can I pick any tattoo I want? N o. Like I said before....they'll post a sheet of paper with what you can choose from on the front...

In the Car

Everyday this week, I've had to bring the kids to work with me. Since they're completely terrified of me (psht), they've kept their little kid selves in line. On the way to work this morning, the girl taught the boy how to hand crochet. He was pretty hesitant at first, because "boys don't do that kinda crap"....that's until she told him of her grand plan to make 'em and sell 'em to the people I work with. The second money was involved, he was all in. In less than 10 minutes, he was well on his way to making his first hand crocheted scarf. It's amazing what can get accomplished in the hour and a half it takes to get to work. By the time we arrived, the boy had completed his very first scarf. All I can seem to get accomplished is drinking coffee..... Mmmm.....Starbucks. I totally thought I was over it. I was wrong. So, how is the girl's grand plan goin' you might be wondering. Uh yeah.....she's made $32 so far. As for the boy,...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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