My Secret's Out. I'm Eight Months Pregnant.

I know, I know. I haven't told anybody, because, well......it's totally not true. However, should I have a high school reunion come up outta no where, that's totally what I'm telling everybody!

Tonight, I needed to figure out what I'm wearing to a wedding tomorrow. I have an awesome pencil skirt (which is short enough to show the kick ass scab on my knee from when I fell on the ice!), a burgundy sexy satiny pin-up style shirt that the girls TOTALLY look fantastic in, fishnet stockings and my favorite slut shoes. I NEVER dress up like this so I was pretty excited when I headed for the mirror. Looking straight on in the mirror....dead sexy bitches! DEAD SEXY! Then I turned to the side to check out my ass and I instead noticed my..... big... 'o ...belly. It was all "HEELLLOOO" (my belly has and Irish accent). My belly has obviously gotten jealous of the bootiliciousness of my behind when I wear my butt panties, so it figured it was time to pick up the pace and catch up. That thing sticks out WAY more than my ass now. Granted I have no ass, but DAAAAMN! Good job, belly, good job! Super high fives for you.

I of course immediately headed downstairs to show J. I came prancing into the living room like I was all hot as shit and said, "Check this out." and as I turned the corner said "I'm 8 months pregnant". I turned to the side and bikety BAM there that shit was. J said "wow, I had a vasectomy like 7 years ago....who's the dad? Ok, he didn't say that, but he did say we both REALLY need to start exercising. My response? "FUCK exercise....that shit's for hippies". That's pretty much my response to anything I don't wanna do. Damn hippies.

Seriously, I've put on the lbs. in the last year. Like 35 pounds probably. I don't really know, I don't ever get on a scale. I've always just rolled with the punches. I get bigger, I go buy bigger clothes.....and spanx. To me, I'm always awesome no matter what. Even more, I'm always awesome to J no matter what.

So what if I'm gettin' all chubby and shit? Um, no. Chubby was like 15 pounds ago. Now, it's just plain 'ol fat. I think I first realized it when I started wearing gutsuckers (spanx) all the time. ALL the time. Not just for certain pants anymore....it's EVERYDAY now and let met tell you, those things suck ass.

I guess it's time. I need to straighten my ass out. No more pilin' a plate full of country fried goodness and smotherin' it in white gravy. No more printing out 10 free pints of Ben and Jerry's coupons and headin' to Kroger, no more mass consumption of gin.....ok, so maybe not so much on the last one, but seriously, the time as come. I gotta lose weight. I can't be walkin' around lookin' all pregnant and shit.

Fat Jessica is goin' back to chubby Jessica......you watch. You'll see.

P.S. Anybody know of a doctor that will prescribe me fat crack? No, I'm kidding....but seriously, does anybody?

Rev Run's Words of Wisdom

Yes my friends, it's time for another installment of the ever so wise Rev Run's Words of Wisdom...... "Never come down off your chariot to fight those who are throwing tomatoes" This goes back to the old tried and true saying, "pick your battles". Why stoop to someone else's level when it's just not worth it? Why raise your blood pressure? Nobody looks good all bug eyed with veins poppin ' outta their head because they're so worked up over what really amounts to nothing. We've all done it, and it just makes us look like fools. You gotta learn to sit back and watch people say and do stupid things, even if it pertains to you. It's way funner (another totally awesome word). Who cares if someone's talkin ' crap about you? Let it roll of your back. Why involve yourself with other people's stupid? Chances are, they're an insignificant person who has nothing better to do and hates life. Chances are, they're miserable ...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

The Pain in Grief

Everyone grieves differently. Some people tend to keep it together as much as humanly possible so they can take care of everyone else, then they break down when they're finally alone. Some people flip their shit and go over the deep end which tends to make a lot of people uncomfortable, because what do you say to a person that's flipped their shit? Some people hole themselves up and just want to be alone, while others need to surround themselves with as many friends/family as possible. Then there's the people that decided no one loved the person that passed more than they did and no one is entitled to hurt like they are. All those people do is inflict unnecessary pain on others in a time where people are already hurting so deeply. Losing someone close to you hurts. Bad.....and crazy things come of it usually. Some good, some not so good. It can cause the people closest involved to make rash decisions that are irresponsible and hurtful to everyone else involved. You ar...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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