Thursday, March 5, 2009

My Secret's Out. I'm Eight Months Pregnant.

I know, I know. I haven't told anybody, because, well......it's totally not true. However, should I have a high school reunion come up outta no where, that's totally what I'm telling everybody!


Tonight, I needed to figure out what I'm wearing to a wedding tomorrow. I have an awesome pencil skirt (which is short enough to show the kick ass scab on my knee from when I fell on the ice!), a burgundy sexy satiny pin-up style shirt that the girls TOTALLY look fantastic in, fishnet stockings and my favorite slut shoes. I NEVER dress up like this so I was pretty excited when I headed for the mirror. Looking straight on in the mirror....dead sexy bitches! DEAD SEXY! Then I turned to the side to check out my ass and I instead noticed my..... big... 'o ...belly. It was all "HEELLLOOO" (my belly has and Irish accent). My belly has obviously gotten jealous of the bootiliciousness of my behind when I wear my butt panties, so it figured it was time to pick up the pace and catch up. That thing sticks out WAY more than my ass now. Granted I have no ass, but DAAAAMN! Good job, belly, good job! Super high fives for you.

I of course immediately headed downstairs to show J. I came prancing into the living room like I was all hot as shit and said, "Check this out." and as I turned the corner said "I'm 8 months pregnant". I turned to the side and bikety BAM there that shit was. J said "wow, I had a vasectomy like 7 years ago....who's the dad? Ok, he didn't say that, but he did say we both REALLY need to start exercising. My response? "FUCK exercise....that shit's for hippies". That's pretty much my response to anything I don't wanna do. Damn hippies.


Seriously, I've put on the lbs. in the last year. Like 35 pounds probably. I don't really know, I don't ever get on a scale. I've always just rolled with the punches. I get bigger, I go buy bigger clothes.....and spanx. To me, I'm always awesome no matter what. Even more, I'm always awesome to J no matter what.

So what if I'm gettin' all chubby and shit? Um, no. Chubby was like 15 pounds ago. Now, it's just plain 'ol fat. I think I first realized it when I started wearing gutsuckers (spanx) all the time. ALL the time. Not just for certain pants anymore....it's EVERYDAY now and let met tell you, those things suck ass.


I guess it's time. I need to straighten my ass out. No more pilin' a plate full of country fried goodness and smotherin' it in white gravy. No more printing out 10 free pints of Ben and Jerry's coupons and headin' to Kroger, no more mass consumption of gin.....ok, so maybe not so much on the last one, but seriously, the time as come. I gotta lose weight. I can't be walkin' around lookin' all pregnant and shit.


Fat Jessica is goin' back to chubby Jessica......you watch. You'll see.







P.S. Anybody know of a doctor that will prescribe me fat crack? No, I'm kidding....but seriously, does anybody?

3 comments:

Stitchblade said...

You never fail to make me happy!

Heather Radman Murphy said...

TOO Funny !!!

Lori said...

Eat less move more!

I just ate a whole box of girl scout cookies for breakfast. I need to buy spanx.

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