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I Wish I was Better At It

Having meaningless chit chat with strangers. Like when you're stuck on an elevator and someone says something about the weather.....c'mon....I'd rather not have to talk to you.....and your cologne smells like ass....but I'd really like to have meaningless chitchat and not even think of it as "meaningless"....just think of it as a part of life.....right now though, it just irritates me.

Givin' a shit. When one of the kids or myself or Jeremy is sick or there's something crazy happenin' in our lives, co-workers and friends alike will ask how things are....I don't really ever ask. Is it because I don't wanna know? I don't care? I don't know. I can make myself ask the question, but I can't make myself even hear their answer. I'm not sayin' I'm like that with EVERYONE 100% of the time (I'm not totally cold, there are actually people I care about), but I'm like that with most everyone. I really hate that about myself.

Not biting my nails. I have short, fat, stubby boy hands with gnawed fingernails. That shit's gross.

Maintaining yard work. It seems like such a futile effort. Weeds are gonna grow in the flower beds faster than I can pull them and grass just doesn't wanna grow in the yard....and I don't wanna waste money on trying to make it grow either.

Keepin' my house clean. Some time ago, chances are if you called me, I was cleanin' somethin'. I cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Then I got a life and it slowed down....then I slowed down some more....then I pretty much quit.....ok so I didn't, but I don't do it like I should.


Being spontaneous. I like to always have a plan and always stick to that plan. I like to be on time everywhere I go and when I'm even a few minutes behind, I panic. The way I see it, spontaneity doesn't really work when you have kids and dogs that have to be taken care of, but other people who have one or the other or even both seem to be successful and just gettin' up and doin' somethin' without a plan. Why can't I?

Forgetting. I can forgive all day long, it's the forgettin' part I seem to have trouble with. I think if you forget certain things, you can find yourself at a fork in the road and you can accidentally take a road you've already been down before that you probably shouldn't go down again, but who knows......with the pace at which our world is changin', that path could be totally different......but I don't wanna find out the hard way that it's not.

Remembering. There are so many things I have done, said, seen or been a part of that I just can't remember. I can't remember pretty big milestones in both the kid's lives. Someone will say, "oh shit...remember when you blah, blah blah....that was funny as hell".....nope....don't remember, but it sounds like something I would do.

Pronunciation. I just can't say "going"....I gotta say "gonna". Even in an interview....I'm all white trash and sayin' shit like, "They're gonna let me continue to work until I find a new job". Gonna. Yep. How I type is pretty much how I talk. Sayin' going sounds retarded to me. It just ain't natural. I wish I could get over that so I didn't sound so white trash when I don't need to.

Stayin' focused. Prime example. I wrote "stayin' focused" like 10 minutes ago. Then I picked my nose, looked to see what kinda treasure I had and saw I had black sharpie all over my hands. So I went to the bathroom to wash the black off and decided I should braid my hair....and then I thought, I bet that big ass bobble head helmet I have would look better with braids instead of my fro pokin' I went and grabbed the helmet.....and then I saw the computer sittin' there and remembered I was writing here. See? I'm like a squirrel chasin' after shiny shit.

Saving money. I can't do it. I wanna do it, but then I think when I die, I can't take it with I'll spend it now. I know I need to save....I just can't do it. Credit cards are satan....if I could just save for a few months, I could buy that part I need for my car without using a credit card.

Ending the things I write more smoothly. You see....when I'm done....I'm done.....and that ain't very good for someone who fancies herself a decent writer. There should be some sort of transition ya know?

The End.


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