I have this really kick ass treadmill. It's all fancy and stuff. Like it has preprogrammed....uh....things in it that like go faster and slower and incline and decline. It's neat. I put a fan in front of me the other day just so I could pretend I was hiking up a super fantastic mountain and there was a nice breeze. Yeah, that's how awesome this thing is. You put a fan in front of you and let the machine do the rest. If you close your eyes you can just imagine being on a steep slope on a beautiful mountain. Well, actually maybe you shouldn't close your eyes.
I've had this super awesome treadmill for a while. It's just kinda sat downstairs in my sewing room.....doin' nothin' but sittin'. Everyday I walk through the garage and through the basement and my treadmill taunts me. It's all "hey fatty....what are ya?....A chubby little chiiickennn....bock, bock". I just turn up my nose and walk on up the stairs. Take THAT treadmill! I just walked up the stairs! If that ain't exercise, I don't know what the hell is!
Finally, one day last week, I gave in. Kinda like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future...."Nobody calls me chicken". So I tell the treadmill it better strap on it's treadmill pants, because I'm about to rock it's mother fuckin' treadmill socks off....that's right.....treadmill socks.
By the time I got ALL the way up the stairs to get on Nikes and booty walkin' shorts I'm all outta breath and shit.....god do I need to exercise. Turns out, I haven't worn my booty walkin' shorts in some time now and dang are them sonsabitches tight. Were they always this tight? I mean like, leaving a permanent indention all around my back and belly tight. Dang that shit hurt. That's aight.....I can take the pain.
I mosey on down the stairs and turn on the fan.....and then the tv. No brisk mountain hikes for me today thanks. I just have a walk with good ol' Monica Kaufman tellin' me about all the crime in DeKalb County and Glen Burns tellin' me that it's gonna be so hot tomorrow my face is gonna melt off.
I chose to go with an intermediate....uh....pre-programmed thing. It shows that I will walk for 20 minutes through a series of inclines and declines at various speeds at no more than 4.5 mph. Shit...like takin' candy from a baby. I do like 85 mph on the hwy. so 4.5 mph is gonna be cake.
Things start out all nice and slow....flat surface....2.0 mph. I can hardly imagine workin' up a sweat doin' things at this pace. A minute or so later there's a "beep, beep, beep" and I think "oh shit, what the hell was that?" Things speed up just a bit to 2.5 mph. Piece of cake. After another minute or so there's more beeps and the treadmill starts a slight incline. I can TOTALLY do this.
Things continue on at a nice pace and incline for a bit and then more beeping....we go up to 3.5 mph. Oh, hell yeah.....feel the burn baby, feel the burn.....Me and Monica doin' work! Then MORE beeps and more incline. I'm panting at this point. In my head I'm tellin' myself to not be a total sissy...keep truckin' it, you can do it! THEN...more fuckin' beepin'! Holy hell....4.0 mph! At this point I think I'm gonna freakin' die. This is no longer a stroll up a mountain. This is like real exercise which my body ain't cut out for! My nice walk has turned into a boobs and belly jarring jog.
I don't know what to do. I just start whimpering. I CANNOT let the treadmill beat me, then......MORE BEEPING...MORE INCLINE and now 4.5 mph!!!! I'm all sweatin' and cussin' tellin' the treadmill it can go fuck itself, because it ain't beatin' me, but I'm dyin'...can't....breathe. Then I saw the little speed buttons. There's an up arrow and a DOWN one too!!! Oh dear God...thank you for the down arrow! I push that little down arrow...down, down, down....down to 2.5 mph. I got a stitch in my side, but I can make it at this speed....I mean really. I must have, what....another 3 or 4 minutes?
I had 12 minutes left.