Confused

I just realized while sitting here reading through other people's blogs, that I have this insatiable, undeniable urge to be liked. The weird thing is though, I have no desire to try to get people to like me. Either they do or they don't. It's a weird contradiction that I need to sort out.

I'm too lazy to go out of my way to be nice to anyone. I don't mean that if I see some old dude drop something I ain't gonna pick it up for him or if I see some crazy guy treatin' a girl like shit in public I ain't gonna tell him to go kick rocks, I mean that in a social gathering, I have no desire to make conversation with people I don't know or put myself in a group conversation and laugh when everyone else does. If I don't feel like smilin' at someone I don't know, I ain't gonna do it just to be friendly. If some guy I don't know says something he means to be funny and I think it's stupid, I ain't gonna laugh. I just don't care. It takes energy to be that way and I just don't possess that energy. It doesn't take any effort to be nice and laugh and have good times with my friends....it just is and that works for me. I'm not saying I have no desire to meet new people, I'm just sayin' I'm lazy at it. Oh shit....am I even friendly? I wonder what people's first impressions are of me.....

So, why is it that I want to be liked, when I don't even care if I'm liked or not? See where the confusion comes in? This is me....sitting on my couch....analyzing myself. Laptop in hand as if I'm the therapist with a pad and pencil.

So.....When is it that I feel the need to be liked? *Tick tock, tick tock...minutes go by*.....I guess I'll go back to what first made me think about this. I was reading a blog that I love to read and scrolling through all the comments people had left and I thought "Dammit...I want shittons of people to leave comments on my blog." I nice to know people are hearin' what you're sayin' and have somethin' to say back.

As I've said before, writing is very therapeutic for me. I LOVE writing. I can get things of my chest, I can unclog my head....BUT, I also write for others to read what I have to say.

So ok, what I derive from that is I don't necessarily have a need to be liked, I have a need for people to like my blog. What it comes down to is.....I'm an attention whore. That must be it. No shocking revelation there. I don't give a shit if something I say makes someone laugh of pisses someone off, I just wanna be heard dammit! (Even though I do have my very own personal rev limiter that won't let me go past a certain point.) I mean I'd rather people like what I have to say, because it would help me a great deal in my trek to rule the world, but overall it really makes no difference to me.

Am I really an attention whore? I mean when I say "I need to be left alone, I need a break", I ain't kiddin'. I don't want you to come after me askin' what's goin' on? Are you ok?....no, I really mean I need to be left alone. Ok so maybe there has been a time or two that Jerm and I have argued and I really did want him to come talk to me, but generally speaking there are times when I don't want to see any faces or hear any voices and I truly want to be alone. So, am I an attention whore? YES, yes I am. I do think so.

So, bottom line....I'm not confused. I just figured it out all by myself and y'all got to watch. I don't have a weird desire to be liked....I just want you to read my blog and leave me comments! I know y'all are! I can see ALL of you! Tell me I suck, I'm awesome, my opinions are all ass backward, you think I write like shit, whatever....just tell me something dammit! Don't be afraid. You can do it! I'll even start responding to them, 'cuz that'd be the nice thing to do.