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Fish Suicide

Weird things have been happenin' at our house lately. I won't go into all those things, because my Jerm reads this and he'll jump back on the ghost train all sayin' our house is haunted and shit and unless it's haunted enough for TAPS to come out and check shit out, you can save your imagination for Neverland Ranch, because I don't wanna hear it.

This latest weird thing however doesn't seem to be one of Jerm's imaginary hauntings. We've had a......dun, dun, dun.......A FISH SUICIDE.

Yesterday morning I got up and noticed the lights on the fish tank were on and one side of the top was up. Usually, I turn them on when I get up so yeah it was a little weird that the lights were on, but why was one side open? I shut it and shrugged it off. Strange, but whatever, my morning brilliance cannot be disturbed by such triteness as a mysterious fish tank. As I sat on the couch checking emails, I glance over at the fish tank....somethin' just ain't right. It really IS weird, but yeah, whatever. I go back to emails.
As I sat there scouring through all my fan mail (psht) the fish tank mystery was consuming my brain so I tore myself away from all that praise that fills my inbox and got up to have a look around the inside of the tank. I put on my bathing suit first though because I didn't wanna get my shirt wet. No I didn't, I'm not tan enough to wear a bathing suit yet and I didn't wanna scare the neighbors. Confused? Yeah me too.
Upon further investigation of the tank, there appeared to be a fish missin'....a BIG one. Like catch it and eat kinda big. Ok so, maybe not THAT big....well, unless it was for a toddler midget (can I even say that? Can the FCC come down on me for sayin' midget now?).
Yep. We had a missin' fish. There wasn't a thing I could do about a dead fish I couldn't even see so again I shrugged it off and went back to my emails.
Later that evening when Jerm and I were home, I reminded him about the missing, presumed dead fish. He looked around and confirmed that indeed, we did have a missing fish. Great. The first thing he did was holler for the girl. Anytime anything ever happens with anything ever, we holler for the girl, because she always has an answer for everything.....but this time??? I don't see how she would.....aaaannnd of course she did.
Turns out that morning, her and the boy found the fish under one of our side tables covered in "mold", which upon further investigation, the boy reveals was actually cat hair. Speakin' of cats, I can't believe one of our pukin' machine cats didn't get ahold of this sucker and make a meal out of it.
Even though, it was Jerm who turned on the lights that morning, he didn't open up the top. The whole thing's kinda weird.
What could go so wrong in a fish's life to cause it to up and commit suicide? The state of our economy? Sarah Palin leavin' office? MJ overdosing on crazy horse tranquilizers? Brittney no longer talkin' with an English accent? The fact that as a fish you're never satisfied because your food pretty much leaves your body the minute you eat it? No chance of ever seein' the World's Largest peanut? What is it???
Whatever it may be dear dead fishy, I hope that you are at ease now all dead down there in the sewers of Georgia hangin' with all that poo.
R.I.P. Dead Fishy. R.I.P.


Michael said…
Sorry for your loss. Is it possible one of the "pukin machines" opened the lid and "helped" the fish out of the tank? If so, would that be considered assisted suicide?

That is a possibilty we considered, however one of our pukin' machines doesn't ever leave our bedroom and the other one desperately needs to go on a diet....he can barely jump his fat ass up on the couch. Possibility unlikely....
Maybe that fish heard about the tank vacuum torture. You flying out of a second story window kind of thing? Fishes getting bubble faces popped. Maybe he decided to end it all instead of facing the torture he thought was coming!
Oh man! That was funny as hell....that poor little frog goin' out the window!!!

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