Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday

Why are all these people all upset over Michael Jackson dying? Maybe these people aren't parents themselves and don't have that fierceness to protect their child at all costs. I don't know, whatever, just quit your damn whinin' already people. Sure, I shook my ass to his music too when I was a kid (shit, still do when it comes on the 80's channel), but the dude was a PEDOPHILE. The guy liked kids WAY too much and you know it! If you're innocent of something as VILE as molesting a child, why would you EVER pay off the accusers just to make it go away.....unless you're guilty. I wasn't there, I didn't see it, but you bitches are crazy for saying RIP Michael or shedding one single tear.

It's all set! We're goin' to PC soon for a family vacation with some friends. Six adults, three kids. Anyone know where I can get Valium? Nah, I'll be fine....I hope. The last time I was in PC, I was 14. We had a BLAST. I'll save the details since my Mom reads this. I gotta start tanning now so I don't get sun poisoning and while I'm there, I must remember to get myself an airbrushed t-shirt.


I'm tired of zits. I freakin' thirty something and still get that shit! Really it's like a cruel, cruel joke. You'd think that the powers that be would cut you some slack ya know? Once you hit 30, you start getting hairs in weird places, you gotta work 16 times as hard as a 20 year old to lose any weight and hangovers are WAAAYYY worse. Really.....come me some slack zit fairy.



97 degree weather sucks balls. I ain't lookin' for a picture of that either. It just is. I'm hot. All day. Everyday. I can't cool down to save my life. My hair looks like ass from all the humidity and all that sweatin' is makin' my skin break out. Heat is stupid.

Dang it.....I gotta go pay bills.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

My Imagination is Gettin' Outta Hand

Every few months at work I have to take the mail down to the mailroom in the afternoon. On the way there, I have to walk down this really LOOONG, quiet, clean smellin' hallway. Its silence is deafening.




As I mozy down this hall, I imagine that I am in a huge high rise building and just outside is the noisy hustle and bustle of New York City. Yeah, I imagine this EVERYDAY.

It gets even more ridiculous than that though....

I have to take the freight elevator down to the mail room. Access to the elevator is behind a non conspicuous door and behind that non conspicuous door is a little room where you wait for the elevator. Normally, I have to stand in this tiny little room for a few minutes waiting for the elevator to come up. While I'm waiting, I think about how much it would cost to rent a room that size in New York City and if I could manage living in a space that small. According to Ikea you can functionally live in any sized space if you just shop at their store, so I've decided I totally could with the help of Ikea. (That is of course in a complete alternate reality of my life actually is or ever would be).

As I stand in that little room and wait for the elevator, I think of where my bed would be. I could fit a chair and a little table and there's even enough room for a sink and toilet as long as you don't mind spinning around to get to the bathroom opposed to walking to it. There would definitely be no room for a kitchen, but I am in New York City after all and where else in the world is there better food?

I am retarded over New York. RETARDED I tell you. OBSESSED.

.....I wrote this several weeks back. It's pretty lame, but there's a lot of lame shit that I write and never actually post. Plus, since I wrote this my New York fantasies have slacked a little because there's ALWAYS somebody walkin' down that long hall. ALWAYS! How the hell am I supposed to pretend I'm in New York when I got some Kennesaw Claw havin', white pump wearin' chick walkin' behind me whistlin' Dixie????

Yeah, well....nonetheless, thought I would come back to this one though because today when I took the mail, and I was standing in that little room waiting on the elvator I saw a cheeto on the floor. I thought "Awww hell no....somebody's all trashin' up my tiny little New York apartment". I mean really, how the hell do you drop a cheeto and not pick it up?

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Day With Trains

This weekend we took the kids to a train museum for a birthday party. It was pretty awesome. There were asstons of trains that you could walk through. I've never been in a commuter train so it was pretty awesome.



When we climbed in the first train, there was this little fat kid that evidently was like a regular or something and he kept walkin' back and forth sayin' "exthcuse me, exthcuse me". After about the fourth time I was about to start cussin' at the little terd, but had to remind myself "I'm an adult, I have kids, I must set a good positive example".....so I just tripped him instead. No, I didn't, but you know it'd been funny as hell if I did....his little fat self fallin' down, cheeks all floppin', eyes all bugged....ok...that's just mean. I'm shuttin' up.


Eventually the little fat kid ended up gettin' in between the boys and the girl and I so we ended up heading in different directions. The girl and I had a really fun time walking through the trains together. It was crazy how little some of the areas in the trains were. The kitchen on one of the trains I swear the average sized American couldn't think in much less cook in....but then again the average sized American has a hard time just bendin' over to get their shoes tied (myself included! That's why I wear those awesome velcro shoes....ha, ha, kidding....maybe).






The trains had bunk beds and a couple suites which I guess were for the super fantastic rich people. The suites had full size beds and little bathroom areas and according to a sign you can't flush the toilet while the train is in the station. The girl asks, "Why? If you go poo it's just gotta sit there and stink?". Yep.....pretty much.






There was another sign that said something about the particular train we were in having carried a dead president. Not like a past president that's now dead.....dude was actually dead while he was on the train. This of course totally freaked the girl out. From that point on, she was certain there were ghosts in the trains. CERTAIN. So, I take that opportunity to convince her even further that there are in fact ghosts on the trains. I'm sure the special train people that worked there weren't too happy with my screamin' daughter runnin' through the train because I scared the bejesus outta her. I had a picture of her standing in a hallway of the train with her "Mom, you're so full of shit" look which was right before I screamed and took off running for her saying a ghost had just grabbed me....but I guess I deleted it.


Once we got outta the "haunted" train, we met back up with the boys who were more interested in this kinda stuff than all the rooms and furniture and stuff.....


Amazingly enough both the kids seemed to have fun doing the same thing at the same place while together! There was no fighting or hitting or anything....at least for a minute anyhow.


Not only were there passenger cars, there were a few cargo train cars too. I explained to the kids that that's how I used to travel when I was a bum.

After we spent some time walking through the museum, it was time for the birthday party which was actually set up in a train car which was really cool. After scarfing down some pizza and juice boxes, we got to actually ride a train. It was pretty cool and again....both my kids in one place at the same time enjoying the same thing!



I also got this awesome picture of some friends of ours. I worship this for so many reasons.

After the train ride, it was back inside for cupcakes (which I totally could've eaten like 17 of!) and presents. I got plenty pictures of that too, but like I've said before, I'm not sure about puttin' other people's kids in the same place my potty mouth writes.


I'd like to think that the gift we gave was a hit....it was this dragon contraption thing that you hook up to a water hose and when you squeeze a trigger on the inside, it's eyes light up, it roars and it's supposed to spit water at you. Flippin' sweet I say! I think I need one of them bad boys!


After the gifts the goodie bags were handed out. There were whistles in them. Loud, annoying whistles. This is me trying not to cry once the kids realized there were loud annoting whistles in them.

Despite the near meltdown over the whistles, the day really was awesome!

The Fear

This morning I needed to make a dentist appointment for the girl to have a cavity taken care of. I got all sweaty and nervous hoping that the lady who answered wouldn't say "would you also like to make an appointment to have your teeth cleaned? You know you cancelled your last appointment"....and.....she did. I screamed out "HELL NO!", y'all got that crazy bitch that tortured my mouth for a freakin hour last time I was there and as long as she's there, I ain't EVER havin' my teeth cleaned again!





Yeah, no....I didn't say that, but I sure as shit thought it. I have NEVER had dentist issues until the last time I had my teeth cleaned. That chick wreaked freakin' havoc inside my mouth. I don't know if she was pissed off at her boyfriend and decided to take it out on my mouth or if she was some whack job that got off on hurtin' people with red hair's mouths, but I'll be damned if I'm goin' back.


I seriously would rather go to the freakin' gynecologist. Even with all the pre-planning crap you gotta go through to get ready for that one......no sex for a couple days before hand (and it's inevitable that your man's gonna try to get all hot and bothered with you the night before).....you really don't want the person all rootin' around down there to think you're a total whore....and they totally would. You gotta make the appointment early in the day so you can go right after you've showered so you're all Irish Springy.



Don't even try to make the appointment mid-day and think you can go into work then cut out early. Even if you think you got a nice slow day of sittin' at the office, you are wrong! It's inevitable that your boss will ask you to move like 64 boxes of files down to the file room and the air will quit working in the office so by the time you make it to your appointment, you've totally got swamp vag and no amount of airing out will fix it....you gotta shower again. Like I said, just make that appointment first thing.


I mean really, I'd rather let this person have a look than EVER have my teeth cleaned by that sadist of a teeth cleaner again!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Useta

I useta be a freak about cleaning house. Then I got a life. Now I gotta take a day off work just to clean house and catch up, because my weekends are too packed to fit in cleaning. It's like J said last night...I feel like I haven't had a day off in WEEEEKS.


I useta be all grumpy and irritated all the time. Then I decided that I've only got one life to live and why waste a single day of it. Usually that train of thought works, but sometimes somebody pulls out in front of me and goes like 35 miles an hour and I wanna ram 'em, yank them outta their car and pull their guts out. That useta be an everyday occurance for me though. I'm much better now.


I useta get involved in other people's crap.....like jumpin' in head first to into a soap opera that wasn't mine. It just ended up causing me undue stress and J and I would argue about other people's bullshit. Wow, what a dumb thing to useta do.


I useta hate hot weather. I still do.


I useta never go number two in public restrooms. Then I had my first kid and he fucked my guts all up. Now, when I gotta go, I GOTTA GO.



I useta think I could forgive and forget. Forgiving's the easy part. Forgetting, not so much. Sometimes I think you gotta remind yourself of painful things so you don't ever put yourself in that situation ever again.


I useta write my blogs on myspace, but decided I like blogger better. I went back and read some of them recently and can't believe I'd totally forgotten about doing inspirational quotes of the day! My favorite by far was said by Andy Dick...."You can't teach that kinda talent ~ a gay wizard has to fuck it into you". O' lawdy that's AWESOME!

I useta really, really freak out when when my computer went slow. Now I take that time to clean out my nose. Seriously, try it.



I useta have a serious Starbucks problem. Believe it or not, I think after 14 years, the sun is settin' on that addiction. That's some weird crazy shit. Starbucks has been such a constant for me. Now what do I do?



I useta to be a rollerskatin' fiend. Now, I'm afraid of fallin' and hurtin' myself. Oh my god I'm old.



I useta think you needed to clearly have an ending to all stories. I just changed my mind.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Whatever Happened to Tighty Whities?

A friend and I went to Macy's today so she could buy a robe for her man friend for Father's Day. First off, let me point out that she took us the long way.....through the shoe department.....twice, but never mind that, let me get to the point.


Have you been to the men's underwear department in a Macy's lately??? Yeah well, I hadn't. Turns out, you gotta be gay to shop in that department now.

There was not a single pair of tighty whities in sight. Not even a single undershirt. Wait, I take that back. There were undershirts, they were just mesh with tattoo flash or skulls. Seriously, the underwear department should be called the men's panty department. Even the mannequins were gay! I'm totally not kiddin'! They were all standing like this....oh, wait you can't see me. I'll have to find a picture.........this is close enough....the other pictures I found totally made me gag a little and that's not what I'm goin' for.



So anyhow, all these mannequins were all skinny and waif like with skin tight shirts and pink panties.....err....underwear with their little ding dings all pokin' out. Holy baby jesus (yes, I just watched Days of Thunder again and this is my favorite new thing to say).



I just stood there in the men's underwear department at Macy's almost panicking. Is that what my boy's future is? Is that what today's man wears? I mean really. I thought I was all hip and shit shoppin' for J's underwear at Ross....you know I can get Dickie's boxers and boxer briefs there.....but, but they're plaid! If I don't get underoos for my boys at Ross, I get them at Walmart. You're lucky to find gray and black at Walmart! Oh, man.......are we about to be in one great big fat gay pride parade? Come to think of it, that might be fun. Lots of glow sticks and sparklers, crazy costumes, half nekkid people and loud thumpin' techno.....ok....maybe not, but seriously, WHERE DID ALL THE TIGHTY WHITIES GO?!?!?



We headed outta Macy's and on the way out, one of the gay mannequins totally grabbed my boob. It was the craziest thing. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, I'm just glad he didn't fall over on me and start humpin' my leg or somethin'. This particular mannequin was wearing a suit, so who knows, maybe he wasn't gay.



Since I'm all talkin' about gay stuff, I wanna share a print with y'all that I came across on etsy that's by joehavasy. First of all let me say that I love unicorns, but not that much, because as I said in an early post them bitches can be FIERCE. What I loved about this painting was the title......



"He's Not Gay, He's a Unicorn"
I MUST have this print. I worship and adore it. He's not gay ...... he's just a unicorn.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Always a Cheerleader at Heart

How freakin' precious is this?




It's my bother and I back in god knows when. This would be our first year cheerleading/playing football for the rec center.


....and for those of you that didn't know, yes I was totally a cheerleader.....for years. I freakin' LOVED it! What's not to love about cartwheels and flipdeedoos and dancing and screaming at the top of your lungs for HOURS? Then there were all the young hot sweaty boys that were just drowning in their own testosterone and us girls were WAY out numbered. Ah, the good ol' days.


My last days of cheerleading were troubled with issues of pink hair and too many opinions. How is pink hair inappropriate for cheeleading? I was only showing pizazz....kinda like jazz hands, but not. I was too good for them anyway. My ideas freaked them out. They couldn't handle it....I was way ahead of my time.


Yeah, cheerleaders suck. So what. I'd do it all over again, hell, I'm still doin' it. Just put enought liquor in me.

Monday, June 15, 2009

F*@!# You Bugs. I KILL You!

Bugs suck. I ain't afraid of 'em or anything, but dang.....


This Saturday I got eaten alive by fire ants. They had a mission, a personal vendetta against us. They all got their little ant selves together and plotted to bite bits of our flesh off and laughed the whole time. There wasn't even any ant hills to forewarn us! They just hid their little ant selves in the grass and the very second you put your feet down they attacked. Thanks to you stupid little ants, I'm walkin' around all scratchin' my ankles like a big fat cootie queen today. I hate you ants.

This first time I remember being attacked by bugs, I was in Florida spending the summer with my grandparents. I was having a nice quiet time fishing on the dock. The sun was all shiny and stuff and there was a nice breeze.....life was good. I wasn't having much luck just dropping my line in so I figured I chuck the hell out of it and see have far across the river I could get it. Well, I chucked it so hard my line went right up underneath the dock and hooked on a wasps nest. I had no idea wasps were about to launch freakin' WWIII on me. I yanked and yanked my line trying to free it.....then all these missiles flew out me outta nowhere, hittin' me wherever they could. At first I stood there all "what the hell"? Once I realized what was happening, I started haulin' ass up to the house, arms and legs-a-flailin' as I was being dive bombed. By the time they were done with me, I was one huge swollen mess. My grandmother told me something along the lines of "stop all your hemmin' and hawin'" and started covering me in all this green stuff. I hurt for days.

That wasn't the last time wasps got me either. When J and I went to go pick up the Comet, I opened up the driver side door and wasps started pouring out of a hole comin' at me like dogs after a freakin' pork chop. I was kungfuin' the hell out of 'em and only managed to get stung maybe three or four times. I even got a picture of it......which I can't seem to find right now, so I'll have to add it later. You're not missin' anything though, it's really just one big blur.
There's been other bug incidents, but bugs suck so I refuse to give them anymore time here today. All I gotta say to you stupid bugs is "bring it bitches"......I will KILL you and that's AFTER I kung fu your ass .

Thursday, June 11, 2009

It's A Love Hate Relatioship

Aldi. Cheap as shit, but they only have one person working in the entire danged store. I'm all "HEEELLLOOO, y'all got any more of them little frozen beans??? HEEELLLLOOO!!!!" There's never anybody to answer me so I gotta go get in line and leave without my danged beans.



Sexy Slut Shoes. I like to try them on and buy 'em, and I like to wear 'em, but I just can't walk in them on crooked streets....or not so crooked streets for that matter. Normally, I weeble and I wobble, but I don't fall down....in heels.......I fall down. (P.S. I'm trying to get enough donations to buy myself these holy baby jesus kick ass Givenchy wedges. If you would like to donate, just let me know!).




My hair. It's awesome. It's big, fluffy, red, but seriously, there's just way too much of it, it's like a chia-pet>...add a little bit of water and that shit GROWS, it's always knotty and strangers wanna touch it....by the end of the night, I'm over it. Ever had your ass beat for touchin' someone's hair? No? Well, there's a first time for everything.



Flip Flops. What's not awesome about just slippin' on a pair of shoes? You ain't gotta bend over and tie 'em....just slip 'em on. You also get to show off your cute little painted toes (as a side note, if you wear open toed shoes, you MUST paint your toenails....it's the freakin' law y'all!). Yeah well, flip flops are great 'til you get 'em wet and go haulin' ass in your garage and land FLAT ON YOUR ASS....or......you go walkin' down your front porch that has wet steps and you fall FLAT ON YOUR ASS. Another thing that I hate is flip flop blowouts. You're all walkin' along in walmart headin' for the tonic aisle. You're holdin' a box of tampons and a can slim jims and *BAYAM!!!!* one of your flip flops busts the hell up and comes apart at the toes. You twist your ankle shit goes flyin' in the air and again, you land FLAT ON YOUR ASS.




Margaritas at lunch. You know by the time lunch finally rolls around, you could totally use a margarita. BUT....by the time lunch is over and you've had a few, you could totally use a nap and then your pissed because margarita time is O-V-E-R.

Unicorns. What's not to love about a unicorn, right? They're pretty and soft and make cooing neighing sounds AND they have these magical horns growin' outta their heads that have rubies inside the base of them. HOWEVER.....these creatures cannot be contained. You ever pissed a unicorn off? Yeah well, they're FIERCE wild animals and will fight to death if you try to capture them. Trust me, I know.
That's enough for now. I gotta DO WORK.

10 Things I Hate A Lot Part Deux

I hate it when people beat around the bush. You got somethin' to say, just say it already. If you're gonna beat around the bush, I'm gonna play stupid and pretend I have no clue what you're talkin' about. Life's too short to play guessing games. It's like I tell my kids, you can't bullshit a bullshitter.....spit it out.


I hate slow drivers. Holy shit. The get it lane ain't the place to be doin' 55. If you look in your mirror and you can't see my head lights....it's because I'm on your ass. GET OVER!


I hate it when I get on an elevator and my stomach starts doin' flippdydoos....I got gas. You know. You're sittin' there all crampy and you think "I'll just let it slip"....then the elevator stops to let someone else on. That sucks. I'm tired of having gas all the time.



I hate it that I gotta pull a chunk of my hair outta the drain in the shower everytime I wash it. That shit is NASTY. Some of it always hangs part way down the drain and reaches out to it's lost hair brothers and sisters and cousins so they can make more hair babies so when I pull it up, I also pull up some hair that's been down there for weeks collecting all kindsa crap. Uhh...I just threw up in my mouth a little.



I hate looking for pictures on flickr to include in my blog and somehow coming across one of myself where I was skinny for a minute (came across this one when I was looking for a picture of a rearview mirror....weird). Yes, I do love buns. Especially J's. You should see his ass.....freakin' awesome I tell ya....he's got a BIG OL' ASS!!!...and I have none.....another thing I hate....ugh.


I hate razor burn. HATE IT. Especially during the summer. I'm about the hottest most sweatinest person ever so razor burn blows. I must get some of this......It works for reals.


I hate people that think smokers are criminals. Really? They smoke yo. That shit ain't illegal so shut your mouth about it already. Why you gotta be all eyeballin' somebody when you walk into a bar and on the way in you gotta walk through a cloud of smoke. You're the reason they're smoking outside on the sidewalk! SHUT UP! Find something else to bitch about. Enough is enough already! Gah.


I hate it when flowers I plant up and die for no reason at all. Plenty of water, plenty of sun, still they die. I spent time and money trying to find just the right flowers. I'm all "hey, little flowers....who wants to go home with me today"?.....and I spend the next hour walking around saying that to all kinds of flowers. I painstakingly pick them out.....then they die.


Even though they cause me endless amounts of entertainment, I hate fake ass people. Why be fake? Everybody can see through that shit yo and you just end up embarrassin' yerself.

I hate that my car speakers don't have enough bass. When I wanna dance and I just ain't feelin' it, there's a problem. BASS! I need more BASS!!!!


The end.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Evolution

A few years ago I went to my second high school's 10 year reunion. I didn't graduate from that school, but I pretty much grew up with all the people that did. Once I was there, I only recognized two people at first. Everyone else just liked like friends of my parents. It was horrifying.


Then from across the room, I saw a girl that I was really pretty close with. I was SO excited to see her and once I got to her she had NO IDEA who the hell I was. Dang dood! NO IDEA! That shit hurt! I know I looked pretty different from the last time she had seem me, but still.....gah....

Looking back over the years, my looks certainly have changed. I've gone from skinny and blondish to marshmellowy and red. It's pretty funny to look back over the years......


Here's me now......



This was a couple years ago when I had taken fat crack. Dear fat crack, I love you and miss you terribly. Even my hair looks skinny....weird.



This is maybe 10 years ago. J was a bouncer at a cowboy bar (HAHAHA.....wish I had a picture of him in his work "outfit"....oh gawd, I'm still freakin' laughin') and we decided to go hang out there one night. Can't remember who all I went with, but it was fun....I think.

This was me in 1994 in my wedding dress that I ended up never actually wearing (I was lucky enough to get to see a friend of mine wear it on her wedding day though). It was the very first dress I tried on. I loved it. I wanted to be fancy and fancy it was. Some people say this was my Madonna faze.


This is also in 1994.....my graduation picture. This was my awkward growin' out the hair faze. You know, after you've had your head shaved for so long and it starts to grow out you go through the "wtf do I do with this shit?" period.

This is 1991 or '92. It's what I had before I grew it out for the "WTF do I do with this shit?" faze.


1990......I was just a baby really. (Curly hair face girl is to protect the identity of those who may not, at this point in their life, want be identified).
This one's from 1988 or '89. I suck at years. This was the dark lipstick and lots of black eyeliner faze. My room was pretty much wallpapered in flyers. I loved it. I wish I still had all those flyers.
Now.....last, but definitely NOT least........

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Are you ready for the ABSOLUTE AWESOMEST PICTURE EVER of ME???

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Check that shit! Stick figure pale ass body all oiled up for the inevitable sunburn. Dude I had lines shaved in the side of my head AND my eyebrows! I rocked the hell outta my Cyndi Lauper hair cut. You know you're totally jealous.
I know there's a lot more awesomeness all hidden in boxes and photo albums. If I ever make it through them, I'll share some more.

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