'Cuz I Felt Like It!

Why are all these people all upset over Michael Jackson dying? Maybe these people aren't parents themselves and don't have that fierceness to protect their child at all costs. I don't know, whatever, just quit your damn whinin' already people. Sure, I shook my ass to his music too when I was a kid (shit, still do when it comes on the 80's channel), but the dude was a PEDOPHILE. The guy liked kids WAY too much and you know it! If you're innocent of something as VILE as molesting a child, why would you EVER pay off the accusers just to make it go away.....unless you're guilty. I wasn't there, I didn't see it, but you bitches are crazy for saying RIP Michael or shedding one single tear. It's all set! We're goin' to PC soon for a family vacation with some friends. Six adults, three kids. Anyone know where I can get Valium? Nah, I'll be fine....I hope. The last time I was in PC, I was 14. We had a BLAST. I'll save the details since my...

Every few months at work I have to take the mail down to the mailroom in the afternoon. On the way there, I have to walk down this really LOOONG , quiet, clean smellin ' hallway. Its silence is deafening. As I mozy down this hall, I imagine that I am in a huge high rise building and just outside is the noisy hustle and bustle of New York City. Yeah, I imagine this EVERYDAY. It gets even more ridiculous than that though.... I have to take the freight elevator down to the mail room . Access to the elevator is behind a non conspicuous door and behind that non conspicuous door is a little room where you wait for the elevator. Normally, I have to stand in this tiny little room for a few minutes waiting for the elevator to come up. While I'm waiting, I think about how much it would cost to rent a room that size in New York City and if I could manage living in a space that small. According to Ikea you can functionally live in any sized space if you just shop at their store, so I...

This weekend we took the kids to a train museum for a birthday party. It was pretty awesome. There were asstons of trains that you could walk through. I've never been in a commuter train so it was pretty awesome. When we climbed in the first train, there was this little fat kid that evidently was like a regular or something and he kept walkin' back and forth sayin' "exthcuse me, exthcuse me". After about the fourth time I was about to start cussin' at the little terd, but had to remind myself "I'm an adult, I have kids, I must set a good positive example".....so I just tripped him instead. No, I didn't, but you know it'd been funny as hell if I did....his little fat self fallin' down, cheeks all floppin', eyes all bugged....ok...that's just mean. I'm shuttin' up. Eventually the little fat kid ended up gettin' in between the boys and the girl and I so we ended up heading in different directions. The girl and I had a...

This morning I needed to make a dentist appointment for the girl to have a cavity taken care of. I got all sweaty and nervous hoping that the lady who answered wouldn't say "would you also like to make an appointment to have your teeth cleaned? You know you cancelled your last appointment"....and.....she did. I screamed out "HELL NO!", y'all got that crazy bitch that tortured my mouth for a freakin hour last time I was there and as long as she's there, I ain't EVER havin' my teeth cleaned again! Yeah, no....I didn't say that, but I sure as shit thought it. I have NEVER had dentist issues until the last time I had my teeth cleaned. That chick wreaked freakin' havoc inside my mouth. I don't know if she was pissed off at her boyfriend and decided to take it out on my mouth or if she was some whack job that got off on hurtin' people with red hair's mouths, but I'll be damned if I'm goin' back. I seriously would rather ...

I useta be a freak about cleaning house. Then I got a life. Now I gotta take a day off work just to clean house and catch up, because my weekends are too packed to fit in cleaning. It's like J said last night...I feel like I haven't had a day off in WEEEEKS. I useta be all grumpy and irritated all the time. Then I decided that I've only got one life to live and why waste a single day of it. Usually that train of thought works, but sometimes somebody pulls out in front of me and goes like 35 miles an hour and I wanna ram 'em, yank them outta their car and pull their guts out. That useta be an everyday occurance for me though. I'm much better now. I useta get involved in other people's crap.....like jumpin' in head first to into a soap opera that wasn't mine. It just ended up causing me undue stress and J and I would argue about other people's bullshit. Wow, what a dumb thing to useta do. I useta hate hot weather. I still do. I useta never go nu...

How freakin' precious is this? It's my bother and I back in god knows when. This would be our first year cheerleading/playing football for the rec center. ....and for those of you that didn't know, yes I was totally a cheerleader.....for years. I freakin' LOVED it! What's not to love about cartwheels and flipdeedoos and dancing and screaming at the top of your lungs for HOURS? Then there were all the young hot sweaty boys that were just drowning in their own testosterone and us girls were WAY out numbered. Ah, the good ol' days. My last days of cheerleading were troubled with issues of pink hair and too many opinions. How is pink hair inappropriate for cheeleading? I was only showing pizazz....kinda like jazz hands, but not. I was too good for them anyway. My ideas freaked them out. They couldn't handle it....I was way ahead of my time. Yeah, cheerleaders suck. So what. I'd do it all over again, hell, I'm still doin' it. Just put enought liquor i...

Bugs suck. I ain't afraid of 'em or anything, but dang..... This Saturday I got eaten alive by fire ants. They had a mission, a personal vendetta against us. They all got their little ant selves together and plotted to bite bits of our flesh off and laughed the whole time. There wasn't even any ant hills to forewarn us! They just hid their little ant selves in the grass and the very second you put your feet down they attacked. Thanks to you stupid little ants, I'm walkin' around all scratchin' my ankles like a big fat cootie queen today. I hate you ants. This first time I remember being attacked by bugs, I was in Florida spending the summer with my grandparents. I was having a nice quiet time fishing on the dock. The sun was all shiny and stuff and there was a nice breeze.....life was good. I wasn't having much luck just dropping my line in so I figured I chuck the hell out of it and see have far across the river I could get it. Well, I chucked it so hard my...

Aldi . Cheap as shit, but they only have one person working in the entire danged store. I'm all " HEEELLLOOO , y'all got any more of them little frozen beans??? HEEELLLLOOO !!!!" There's never anybody to answer me so I gotta go get in line and leave without my danged beans. Sexy Slut Shoes. I like to try them on and buy 'em, and I like to wear 'em, but I just can't walk in them on crooked streets....or not so crooked streets for that matter. Normally, I weeble and I wobble, but I don't fall down....in heels.......I fall down. (P.S. I'm trying to get enough donations to buy myself these holy baby jesus kick ass Givenchy wedges. If you would like to donate, just let me know!). My hair. It's awesome. It's big, fluffy, red, but seriously, there's just way too much of it, it's like a chia -pet>...add a little bit of water and that shit GROWS, it's always knotty and strangers wanna touch it....by the end of the night, I...

I hate it when people beat around the bush. You got somethin' to say, just say it already. If you're gonna beat around the bush, I'm gonna play stupid and pretend I have no clue what you're talkin' about. Life's too short to play guessing games. It's like I tell my kids, you can't bullshit a bullshitter.....spit it out. I hate slow drivers. Holy shit. The get it lane ain't the place to be doin' 55. If you look in your mirror and you can't see my head lights....it's because I'm on your ass. GET OVER! I hate it when I get on an elevator and my stomach starts doin' flippdydoos....I got gas. You know. You're sittin' there all crampy and you think "I'll just let it slip"....then the elevator stops to let someone else on. That sucks. I'm tired of having gas all the time. I hate it that I gotta pull a chunk of my hair outta the drain in the shower everytime I wash it. That shit is NASTY. Some of it always hangs...

A few years ago I went to my second high school's 10 year reunion. I didn't graduate from that school, but I pretty much grew up with all the people that did. Once I was there, I only recognized two people at first. Everyone else just liked like friends of my parents. It was horrifying. Then from across the room, I saw a girl that I was really pretty close with. I was SO excited to see her and once I got to her she had NO IDEA who the hell I was. Dang dood ! NO IDEA! That shit hurt! I know I looked pretty different from the last time she had seem me, but still..... gah .... Looking back over the years, my looks certainly have changed. I've gone from skinny and blondish to marshmellowy and red. It's pretty funny to look back over the years...... Here's me now...... This was a couple years ago when I had taken fat crack. Dear fat crack, I love you and miss you terribly. Even my hair looks skinny....weird. This is maybe 10 years ago. J was a bouncer at a cowboy bar (...