'Cuz I Felt Like It!

Everyday this week, I've had to bring the kids to work with me. Since they're completely terrified of me (psht), they've kept their little kid selves in line. On the way to work this morning, the girl taught the boy how to hand crochet. He was pretty hesitant at first, because "boys don't do that kinda crap"....that's until she told him of her grand plan to make 'em and sell 'em to the people I work with. The second money was involved, he was all in. In less than 10 minutes, he was well on his way to making his first hand crocheted scarf. It's amazing what can get accomplished in the hour and a half it takes to get to work. By the time we arrived, the boy had completed his very first scarf. All I can seem to get accomplished is drinking coffee..... Mmmm.....Starbucks. I totally thought I was over it. I was wrong. So, how is the girl's grand plan goin' you might be wondering. Uh yeah.....she's made $32 so far. As for the boy,...

Remember that panty problem I had last week? Yeah, well....I totally ain't the only one with that problem. See! I was NOT drunk, I am NOT retarded and I did NOT get dressed in the dark....that shit just happens! I have several blogs that I read daily and the Fail Blog is one of my favoritiest. It's amazing that this world's still turnin' with all the stupidity out there. Maybe I'll start sharing my favorite blogs with y'all. I think I will....right after I share some of my kick ass poetry !

Last week my mom and I stopped for a bite to eat at The Varsity on our way to the courthouse in Atlanta. Oh sweet baby jesus is that some good food! I hadn't been in a LOOONG TIME because you gotta give yourself about 6 to 9 months to filter out all the grease you consumed before you have it again, so I was really excited. When we walked in there was like 3,000 people waitin' to order and only two yellin' "What'll ya have, what'll ya have?" We walked down to the end so we could place our order and the guy says a buncha mumble jumble about my tattoos sayin' I "must be so and so's girlfriend", because "so and so sho does like all them tattoos".....yeah....no dude I ain't so and so's girlfriend. He said a buncha other shit I couldn't really hear before "so and so" came over to tell me how much he liked my tat-toos and asked "how many you got?" I wanted to say "nunya damn business fool, why d...

Last night I came across an old journal and some old poetry I had written back in the early 90's. Yeah, POETRY. It was like reading things written by a total stranger. I remember having this poetry book that was SUPER old...like from the 1800's old that I had found in this old historical house owned by my best friend's family. None of the shit in the book made a lick of sense to me, but I can remember sittin' on my bed writing and a particular line from a certain poem would come to mind so I would add it to what I was writing. So even though a line or two was sometimes from someone else's fucked up mind, it's as though everything I had written came from the brain of someone entirely different. I was crazy volatile.....an angsty teenager that was very angry one minute and then all glitter, unicorns and rainbows the next. I used words that I don't even know the freakin' meaning of now. I had a passion that's unrecognizable. It's like the perso...

Today I was checkin' out the Cake Wrecks Blog and it was about my favoritist feline EVER (actually the only feline I like)...... HELLO KITTY ! WOW, there are some pretty shit cakes out there claiming to be Hello Kitty cakes. One even looks like Porky the freakin' Pig. The very last cake she wrote about tough is a cake I have worshiped forEVER . The first time I saw the HK zombie cake was on this site called Hello Kitty Hell which was a site I learned of when a friend of mine had sent me an email saying she'd seen one of my tattoos online. At first I thought "WHAT!?!?!? Really? Which one? Are they makin' fun of the big ass nekkid blue fairy that covers my ENTIRE back?" No, it couldn't be....no one even sees that tattoo.....ever. I clicked the link she had sent me and it took me to a fantastic place called Hello Kitty Hell . Wha? I ain't ever seen this place before! The dude who writes it says he's married to a crazed maniac of a wife that must h...

I had some serious panty issues today. I walked around all day with my hands all down my pants having to adjust them. They were all uncomfortable and creepin ' up in weird places and shit. I'm sure it was quite a sight to anyone who witnessed it. At first I thought "maybe when you get to a certain age thongs are just no longer comfortable", but I highly doubt that thongs just suddenly get uncomfortable to wear, so then just figured it must be the cheap ass panties I bought at the Dollar Store givin ' out on me, but then I realized I've never actually bought panties at the Dollar Store before so that couldn't have been it either. So what the fuck's the problem here? I figured it'd be best to go to the bathroom and just take the damn things off instead of walkin ' around molestin ' myself all day at work. Once I got to the bathroom to take them off, the problem was quite evident. My panties were on all wonky and shit! My waist was actually...

Weird things have been happenin' at our house lately. I won't go into all those things, because my Jerm reads this and he'll jump back on the ghost train all sayin' our house is haunted and shit and unless it's haunted enough for TAPS to come out and check shit out, you can save your imagination for Neverland Ranch, because I don't wanna hear it. This latest weird thing however doesn't seem to be one of Jerm's imaginary hauntings. We've had a......dun, dun, dun.......A FISH SUICIDE. Yesterday morning I got up and noticed the lights on the fish tank were on and one side of the top was up. Usually, I turn them on when I get up so yeah it was a little weird that the lights were on, but why was one side open? I shut it and shrugged it off. Strange, but whatever, my morning brilliance cannot be disturbed by such triteness as a mysterious fish tank. As I sat on the couch checking emails, I glance over at the fish tank....somethin' just ain't ...

My brain is suffering from a major case of scatter smothered and covered (mmmm....Waffle House) today. I keep staring outside hoping it will rain some more. Then I think about how bad it would suck to have to go to Walmart and have a cart full of groceries to get in and out of the car in pouring rain. Man, I need groceries. My pantry and fridge are lookin' a little bare these days. Last night Jerm was in the kitchen makin' all kinds of clinkin' noises and shit. I totally thought he was cleaning the kitchen for me. Uh, no. He was all pissed off cleaning rotten shit outta the fridge (sour cream and blood oranges). Dammit! I TOTALLY thought he was doin' some dishes....he coulda totally gotten some if he did. His loss. I don't think men realize that helping around the house is like the most romantic gesture you can make. Fuck flowers, the hell with a candle lit dinner.....clean the damn house yo. I ain't kiddin' either. I loathe cleaning house, but I still freak...

I just realized while sitting here reading through other people's blogs, that I have this insatiable, undeniable urge to be liked. The weird thing is though, I have no desire to try to get people to like me. Either they do or they don't. It's a weird contradiction that I need to sort out. I'm too lazy to go out of my way to be nice to anyone. I don't mean that if I see some old dude drop something I ain't gonna pick it up for him or if I see some crazy guy treatin ' a girl like shit in public I ain't gonna tell him to go kick rocks, I mean that in a social gathering, I have no desire to make conversation with people I don't know or put myself in a group conversation and laugh when everyone else does. If I don't feel like smilin ' at someone I don't know, I ain't gonna do it just to be friendly. If some guy I don't know says something he means to be funny and I think it's stupid, I ain't gonna laugh. I just don't...

I said that to a cop once. He bumped into me and I didn't want to get tased. End of story. MUST. HAVE. THIS. Please. Somebody? Anybody?

I have this really kick ass treadmill. It's all fancy and stuff. Like it has preprogrammed....uh....things in it that like go faster and slower and incline and decline. It's neat. I put a fan in front of me the other day just so I could pretend I was hiking up a super fantastic mountain and there was a nice breeze. Yeah, that's how awesome this thing is. You put a fan in front of you and let the machine do the rest. If you close your eyes you can just imagine being on a steep slope on a beautiful mountain. Well, actually maybe you shouldn't close your eyes. I've had this super awesome treadmill for a while. It's just kinda sat downstairs in my sewing room.....doin' nothin' but sittin'. Everyday I walk through the garage and through the basement and my treadmill taunts me. It's all "hey fatty....what are ya?....A chubby little chiiickennn....bock, bock". I just turn up my nose and walk on up the stairs. Take THAT treadmill! I just walked...

If you're a total Hello Kitty addict like me, you want anything and everything Hello Kitty you can get your hands on! Well, I've got something AWESOME and no longer available that you will love so I've decided to share! I bought a couple of these Hello Kitty speaker pillows a few years ago and forgot all about this last one that I had. My girl has used hers for over 2 years now! It looks so cute on her bed! You just plug your ipod/MP3 player and and the music comes through the speaker in the flower. No batteries required! I've listed it on ebay so go bid now! Just click here to go to the listing.

When I was a teenager, I hated kids. I SWORE I'd never have kids. For the most part, I still think kids suck. They talk back and give you the stink eye as soon as they realize they can move their little bodies.....and you can't just haul off and hit 'em like you could an adult. They usually smell like butt, because kids hate bathing. They cost an ass ton of money. They spill cherry koolaid on your beige carpet. They leave shit all around the house so when you get up in the middle of the night, you cut your foot open stepping on some stupid toy.....really, I could go on and on about why I always hated kids.......then I had my own. I love my kids. Like the kind of love I didn't know I was capable of. I'm fiercely protective of my boy when it comes to the outside world. Now that he's a teenager, I need to stop holding his hand so much and let him take the lead. It's gonna be hard to do, but better now than when he's 30 and still living at home in our baseme...