I Shoulda Just Stayed in Bed

You ever have those days where you just can't practice what you preach? Like it's physically impossible....you try, but when you do your body just makes these retarded jerky spasms in protest?

I'm always saying life is what you make it. Why waste a day being all irritated and pissed when you can be all awesome and stuff? Well, today I say to hell with that.

I'm seeing a pattern here. Around this time every month I wanna take stuff outta people's hands and bash them over the head with it. When people ask me how I'm doing I wanna say "seriously, like you give a shit". I don't want to listen to other people's stupid little stories and smile and nod like I care, because today, I don't. Well, to be totally honest I don't usually care on good days, but at least I'm kind enough to fake it.

I hate being like this, but it just comes so naturally dammit. It's so easy. I spent so many years like this that it's like riding a bike. I just get right back on.

Just now, I was asked by a lady if I was a cat person. She was obviously holding a card in her hands that had a cat on it. First of all, no, I'm not a cat person. Secondly, even if I were, I didn't care to see what it was she was holding. I knew I wouldn't be able to give her the "oooh, aaaahhhh how cute!" response she was looking for. What I really wanted to say to her was "Do I fuckin' look like a cat person to you?", but I didn't. I said "Uh, no" and left it at that. She looked disappointed. Welcome to my world I thought as she turned and went on to the next person.

As irritated as I am today and as much as I think this day is gonna be filled with insane amounts of suckness, I must persevere. Yes, I must....I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.......

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Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

APB....Little Jimmy is Missing!!!

It's December 1st and Little Jimmy shoulda made his first appearance at the house this morning. Evidently, I hid Little Jimmy so good that last time last year that even I can't find him. This is no bueno. Little Jimmy is an Elf on the Shelf . We read the book, he shows up in a different spot every morning and watches and reports back to Santa every night. Seriously. The boy gets it. He knows. The elf ain't nothin' but a stuffed doll. The girl....she still believes. She was snoopin' around a week or so ago and found the book that Little Jimmy is SUPPOSED to be stuffed in after Christmas and said "Mom! Little Jimmy's not in his book! He's gone back to the North Pole to get all his instructions!" "Dammit. She STILL believes in Little Jimmy", I remember thinkin'. I mean really, you try comin' up with 30 different hidin' spots for a little elf that won't take your kids more than a few minutes to find every mornin...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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