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The Dynamics of Flailing and Falling

It poured all weekend.

I slipped and almost busted my ass like 16 times going from the wet driveway to the smooth concrete floor of the garage.

I was speed walking through the Home Depot parking lot and slipped and almost busted my ass on one of the arrows painted on the road....then once I got inside I almost busted my ass on the smooth concrete floor.

Just picture it. All that almost busting my assness.....I go skidding and flailing like a retard ice skating for the first time.

It was inevitable that the "almost" would eventually happen.......

And it did.

The rain briefly let up so I decided I'd wash all the pollen and green shit off our front porch. I finished the floor and was moving on to the steps. I took one step and my foot came flying out from underneath me. Yeah. I didn't stop until my ass visited each and every step.....all the way to the bottom. I popped right up and probably started whistling just in case any of the neighbors saw, I figure I'd play it all cool and shit. That lasted for, oh about 15 seconds. My adrenaline had skyrocketed and I was PISSED. What exactly is one pissed at in these circumstances? I'll tell you what I was pissed off stupid fucking flip flops.

All the retard flailing ridiculous body contorting of almost busting my ass to the finale of actually busting my ass......all my stupid flip flop's fault. My entire freakin' body hurts. Because I can't lift my right leg hardly, J has had to help me get my pants on and off. Oh, only if flip flops had feelings. I woulda beat the ever livin' shit outta them. Of course this would've been after I picked myself up off the freakin' ground.
It gets even better.....I finish washing the damn stairs. I'm exhausted and my entire body hurts. I couldn't have looked forward to anything more in my life after a day like the one I'd just had than a nice steaming hot shower. I was soaked and covered in gunk. PLUS we had gotten a brand new fancy detachable shower heads while we were at Home Depot. I got in the shower and just stood there letting the hot water hit me in the face......then then god damned shower head slipped out of it's little cradle thingy and hit me square in the fuckin' nose.

I stood there stunned for a second before I started yelling every possible obscenity at the top of my lungs. So much for a nice relaxing shower.

It's now Monday and I hurt so freakin' bad. My lower back, ass bone and hip all feel outta place making it very uncomfortable to sit in the same position for very long, my knee feels like it's gonna fall off at my next step, my ankle feels like it's cracked and my nose is bruised.

Stupid fuckin' flip flops.


Anonymous said…
That shit happens to me all the time.. I've given up hope of ever NOT having a bruise or bump to explain...and I will never ever wear anything white.. if I do.. I will fall slip and slide in mud or grass or SOMETHING..
I feel your pain....


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