Sunday, February 28, 2010

I'm Laugin' At You

How old are you again?!?!?

Yep. Totally laughin' you.


Friday, February 26, 2010

The "S" Word

We had the "talk" with the boy just before he went into middle school, because from what I hear, girls are givin' boys rim jobs in the fuckin' bathroom in middle school these days. If that shit was happenin' when I was in middle school, I was certainly oblivious to it, but I don't think that's the case. I think we were still, for the most part, kids.....worried about kid things.

When we had the talk with the boy it was cake. I mean it was slightly uncomfortable, but we told him about STD's, the importance of rubbers, and what every slang word for sex or anything related to sex was. Good times.

The boy never asked about sex. He didn't and still doesn't give a shit. I know you're sayin' "that's what you think", but trust me.....he'd rather be playin' video games.

I knew the talk would come earlier for the girl. When she was 4, Sex and the City was picked up on public television and they started to run commercials for the show....she saw one and asked "Mama, what's sex?"......and because she already knew about the word "sexy" in the context of shoes, I told her it was like sexy.....somethin' that makes your feet look good. I mean shit, she was FOUR.

From time to time I have asked her if there's anything the kids have talked about in school that she doesn't understand. Anything. I don't want either of our kids feelin' stupid when some kid's talkin' about a donkey punch. Ok, so that's totally goin' too far, but you understand. No matter what they ask, they'll get an best of one as I can give.....even if it might be a total lie.

Well last night, the bomb was dropped. "Mom, can I ask you a question?"


"Remember how you told me I could come talk to you about anything and to come to you when I was ready to talk about.....about.....about....the "S" word?"

"The what word?"

......."the "S" word".

"Girl, you gotta be more specific......the "S" word? The only "S" word I know is "shit" wanna talk about shit?"

"No, mom.....the "S" word. Don't make me say it."

"I'm lost here kid."

......and in a hushed voice she said "sex".

Oh sweet jesus god. On the inside I just flipped the fuck out.

On the inside I was screamin' "YOU'RE TOO FUCKIN' YOUNG FOR THIS....WHY ARE YOU ASKIN' ME ABOUT THIS SHIT?!?!?!"...but I just said, "sure, what do you wanna know?"

Her simple answer to my question....."what exactly is it?"

I felt like I was gonna puke. Then all of a sudden I felt like I was gonna have the nervous shits. This was not good. Even though I was put together on the outside, it was like a multi-car pileup on my inside. I knew this would eventually be comin' and thanks to some asshat kid at her school talkin' shit he heard his brother sayin' to his whore ass girlfriend, I gotta deal with it years earlier than I wanted to.

I cleared my throat and began.....

"Sex is what two people who are in a committed relationship and who love each other VERY, VERY much do when they wanna make babies".

"Ok, but how?"

Gimme strength dear lord, gimme strength.....I didn't want her to even notice a moments hesitation. I couldn't let her know how utterly and completely uncomfortable I was. I want her to ALWAYS feel comfortable comin' to me for everything.

....and so began "the talk" with my WAY too young daughter. She asked way too many questions. Really, really uncomfortable questions. In the end she was disgusted. Thank you sweet baby jesus for just keep right on bein' disgusted.

Today I went to the girl's school and had lunch with her. She pointed out Mr. Inappropriate Talker to me and I made it point to speak to him before I left. I wanted to wrap the kid in duct tape and say "try talkin' shit now kiddo". Instead, I caught him just as he was leaving the lunch room and said, "I understand you've said some pretty inappropriate things in front of my girl. I don't appreciate that and I expect you to never do it again. Got me?" He said, "I haven't said anything inappropriate to her! Did she tell you how she treats me? She is SO mean to me"......Yeah kid, that's what children in elementary school do....they pick on each other and play kickball and shit. They don't talk about fuckin' blow jobs. God I wish I coulda said that. Instead I just said "that's what kids do. Just watch what you say when your around my girl".

Right after I talked to him I thought "oh shit. he's gonna tell his teacher he got a talkin' to by a parent" I told her myself. She was ok with it, but suggested I go to the Principal instead next time. Huh.....there better not be another fuckin' next time.......

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

One Weeked to the Next

This weekend was freakin' gorgeous.

We spent some time at the park with the kids and figured we'd take Wheeze to the dog park since she was doin' nothin' but pissin' our other dogs off....
I hated the dog park. People wanna talk to you and pick up your dog. Because she's a puppy, I guess they assume they have the right to do that. Then, you got little kids bendin' over and touchin' your dog without askin' and when you tell 'em they shouldn't because your dog likes to claw and snap at people that get in her face because she's just a puppy and they, nor their stupid ass parents, listen and then they act all surprised when said puppy jumps up and claws the kid's face.....yeah, see where I'm goin'. All I had to say was...."I told you...maybe you shoulda listened".

Outside of all the idiots that were at the park, it was really nice. It was good to see the boy actually outside gettin' some exercise....and the was nice to not have her attached to my hip for half a minute.

It's hard to believe just last weekend we had all that snow.

The girl tried her version of snowboarding. She wouldn't let me take the wheels and trucks off so she had a pretty damn hard time of was amusing.

I had fun takin' pictures of army men in the snow.

He knew they were comin'.......

They had him surrounded.....

He managed to get away in time......

...but they quickly caught up with him again.....(insert serious music here)....

I'm on this weird kick of playin' with and takin' pictures of toys. I actually just bought a few new toys at the antique mall this weekend. I got my metal wind up bunny FINALLY. I love him. I was showin' it to my friend Chewy and Jeremy said "wind it up" and told Chewy to watch what I do when it starts hoppin'.

"What the fuck do you mean "what I start doin'" when it starts hoppin'? I don't do shit".

As it turns out I start bouncin' too.....weirdest damn thing. The second the bunny started, so did I. I love my bunny.....

I also got some monster heads, a mini revolver, a red stuffed bulldog toy, a hotel bell (that works better than any other hotel bell EVER), little piggy salt and pepper shaker, and those two kids kissin' there in the background....too, too cute. I'm gonna blow so much money at that place......

Friday, February 12, 2010

Finally. Snow.

Growin' up, we always had a "snow day" or two every single year. We'd watch the news until the last minute before our bedtime, prayin' that our school would be on the list of school closings and the second we saw it was, we headed for bed anxious for the next day to get here already.

We'd get up at the ass crack of dawn and start layerin' the shit out of our clothes. We'd put ziploc baggies over our socks before we put on our shoes and then we'd head for the garage to grab a trash can lid so we could hit the hill in the neighbor's yard. We'd stay out for HOURS. Our fingers would damn near be fallin' off by the time we got back in. The thawin' out process was excruciating, but as soon as we had a bowl of ramen in our bellies and had somewhat regained the feelin' in our fingers, we headed right back out.

Man those were the days.

Now, whenever snow's mentioned on the news, it's in the EXTREME northern part of the state. We've only had a dusting a couple times over the years, and if it were anything more, it was all gone by the time mid-afternoon rolled around.....lame. Our kids just don't get to experience snow days......

...that was until this past weekend!

This weekend, we got enough snow for our kids to be able to actually have a snow day! Well, the boy kinda just looked at the snow and pushed it around with his foot before he headed back in the house to play video games, but the girl was out in it for hours. At first, it didn't even occur to me to grab my camera. I just wanted to get out and play.

I didn't last as long as I did when I was a kid though. With fingers and toes frozen and snot drippin' outta my nose, I went in to warm up a bit after just about an hour of bein' out. By the time I got back out with my camera, the girl had disappeared with her friends so I had to wait to get some pictures of her.

Here's a few pictures I took.....

Not the wisest choice in shoes, but my boots were still soaked so.....

.....and of course, like I said before, Tina LOVES takin' her baby wolf cat out when there's even the slightest bit of snow......

....and it was Wheezy's very first snow. She loved it. Our other two dogs could care less....but Wheezy ran around all pickin' up snow in her mouth and throwin' it up in the was the cutest thing ever..... snow man.....snow depresses him.....

The girl was playin' with her friends and the boy didn't wanna come out of his I played with dolls.....or doll heads...whatever.....

By the time I came back in, Wheezy was passed the fuck out. For a split second, I actually thought maybe she was dead. She just felt like the rest of us do after a long over due snow day.....

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I Feel So Far Behind

Our girl's been sick all this week.
You know those fish that hitchhike on the backs of sharks? That's what she's been like for the last several days....meaning she was stuck to me like glue and I couldn't get shit done, and by the time she finally detached herself, I had caught her cold and couldn't get off the couch. Between the cold and having to give the girl breathin' treatments every four hours around the clock, I'm wiped out. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people that can get up in the middle of the night for 20 minutes and go back to bed and fall right back to sleep, so sleep deprivation has been an issue this week.

Let's also put a puppy that's in what's equivalent to the terrible two's into the mix and wow.....I don't know what's kept me from hittin' the bottle. When we first brought Weezy home, she was just like an infant.....up long enough to eat and poo and back to sleep she went. Now, she plays, plays, plays....tortures our other dogs for a while, drags all her toys outta her basket and when she tires of those, steals one of my slippers to gnaw on until I catch her in the act. She doesn't just get up in our laps and fall asleep all cuddlin'.....she sacks the shit out.

On a totally different note, I took a photography class Sunday (post soon to come!), but because the girl has been so sick, I haven't had much of an opportunity to try out what I learned. I'm hopin' to take this photography thing to another level with some fancy photographer like knowledge. Too bad my brain is like slush though. I think I'm gonna need some one on one lessons. Can't wait!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I've Changed My Mind

After last Saturday's shoot with Jenn of BlondeShot Creative, I think I've decided to become a professional pin up model instead of moving to Hollywood to pursue an actin' career. I mean I'm a natural. You've seen the photos. Like I said before, I have a lot of friends/acquaintances who are models and I think I've learned a quite a bit from lookin' at their photos.

Why do girls model? Boys....they want to be looked at by boys. That's why girl's do it. I mean that's why I'm gonna do it anyways. You saw my skills in all the other photos. I got MAD modelin' skills. Look at this one......I'm all sexy and shit hangin' out on the trunk of the Comet. It looks as if the top portion of my body was simply placed on the trunk of my car.....and I look totally content with that. I mean, if I were just a torso, I would be freakin' the fuck out, but like I said...I got mad can't see that I'm really freakin' out on the inside. Mad skills.

I have all my pin up friends/acquaintances to thank for my mad skills. I've seen A LOT of pin up photos and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that girl's like to look like they're fixin' cars with tools that could never actually do a damn thing to a car. Like say....a big ol' plumbers wrench.....or maybe they'll hold a big ol' oil can up like they're puttin' gas in the car.....and then, they'll have grease on their face from puttin' oil....errr...I mean gas in the car. SO.....that MUST mean that that's what boys like to see right? Girls lookin' like they ain't got a lick of sense doin' work on vintage cars. Well, it just so happens, I gotta a vintage car in my garage....and it just so happens that I have a I did and my chainsaw....on my vintage car.

I personally think this is the BEST photo EVER. I kinda wish I still had my big prom dress to wear, because I've noticed that girls are often wearin' their best dress up clothes when they're workin' on these cars in these photos.....that's alright though. I don't need to dress up all fancy and shit, because me and my chainsaw got MAD SKILLS.

Lookie Here Now....

You best not be tryin' to take a short cut to the pool through my're likely to get your ass shot. Mhhmm....shot. I just hang out in my yard and wait......

....and when I tell you you better be gettin' some best be, 'cuz I'll get all crazy on your ass and chase a bitch down......

....and if I cain't catch ya....well....My deddy says I'm a purdy derned good aim.....

Thanks again to Jenn at BlondeShot Creative!




I'll post a couple more fun one's tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I Told You I'd Be Rich and Famous

I may have recently mentioned that I was in Halloween 2.....three times. THREE TIMES!!! Why else would I be in that movie THREE times unless Rob Zombie thought I had some stellar actin' skills? Right? I had decided because of my stellar actin' skills, I was gonna move to Hollywood because I knew the movie rolls were gonna start comin' in at any minute and I'd certainly need an agent. Well, the plans to move have been sidetracked because I have kids and Hollywood ain't no town for kids. I figure I'm so awesome in Halloween 2 that all the movie producers, directors and agents will come to me no matter where I am.

....and I was totally right. Last week I was contacted by Jenn at BlondeShot Creative. She said as soon as she saw me in the movie she KNEW she had to do a shoot with me so she started her search for me immediately and after an exhausting six weeks, she had found me. She said my talent eclipsed any she had seen before.....that there was so much feeling in my expressions that she knew it would translate amazingly to photograph. She HAD to find me.

Ok, so I'm totally lyin'. Jenn's this amazing photographer friend of mine and we had mentioned back and forth that it would be fun to do a shoot together.....and fun it was.

I wasn't sure how the pictures would turn out, because my idea of posin' for a picture is all crazy eyed with my tongue hangin' out. I have several friends/acquaintances that are into the whole pinup modelin' thing and I think half the time they look about damn retarded when they're tryin' to be all sexy and shit. I know men go for that kinda junk, but that's because they're brains are in the tips of their penises......if they had brains in their heads, they'd look at a girl leanin' over a car like she's about to fix it with the big ol' plumbers wrench in her hand and they'd think she looked like a buffoon. Don't hate know it's true.

Jenn pretty much let me do whatever. I was totally retarded most the time and she let me be. I needed plenty of direction though to get the look that she wanted from me. We took a few shots in the house before it got dark enough for what she wanted to do outside......

This one says "do you even question my awesomeness?"

This one says "Holy shit! What in the sam hell's that?!?"

This one is me with the biggest smile I think I've ever had in a photograph and I'm just sittin'....on my couch...alone......with a big ol' grin on my face.

This one is me and Tina the mama wolf cat. I caught her tryin' to go upstairs and play with the cats so I had to grab her and give her a talkin' to.

Here's me and my bears. At first they were all sweet and lovin' the attention, but eventually they ended up fightin' because one felt the other was gettin' more attention. Whatever. Crazy bears. They're stuffed animals....don't they even know that????

This is just a bit of the awesomeness that came from Jenn and her camera...stay tuned. I have a feelin' the best is yet to come!

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