Tuesday, December 29, 2009

BEST Christmas Present EVER

Not only do I love my mama wolf cat Christmas present (she even has little teets!).....so does our dog.

I'm cryin'. Tears. Down my face.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Three Days Left

...and I'm finally in the Christmas spirit. I've only been partially there, then for a minute there, I was totally NOT there. I wanted to burn Christmas down to the ground. I had to force it on myself. I had to blare Christmas music in the car and sing it really, really loud......fist pumpin' and all.

I had to get over how much those stupid fuckin' reindeer antlers people are puttin' on their cars piss me off. Then we went to see Christmasy stuff at Stone Mountain. That did the trick. Hundreds of thousands of Christmas lights'll always do the trick. I don't know what it is about colorful, shiny, sparkly shit, but it always makes me happy.


So, I've finally come around......and there's only three days left. Only THREE days! NOOOOOOO!!!! I need more! I call do over. Rewind. Back that shit up. I got a lot of obnoxious Christmasy behavior to pack into a small amount of time. Maybe I should go buy myself an awesome Christmas sweater. I don't get these "ugly sweater" parties people are havin'. Ugly? Psht......fuckin' awesome's more like it.

Maybe I should go buy myself some reindeer antlers. Not the kind you put on your car (no matter how Christmasy I may be feelin', that shit's totally for douche bags), but the kind you put on your head.

Ok, so that's takin' things a bit far, but dang.....I gotta make it up somehow. Any suggestions?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Stupid.

I haven't been writing lately. I haven't been answerin' my phone or respondin' to emails a whole lot either.....I know. I've been busy tryin' to build a time machine so I could slow down time and actually enjoy the holidays. So far, it hasn't worked. Stupid time machine.

Everything seems to be in fast forward around Christmas time and I hate it. I can't seem to slow things down and enjoy it all. I decorated the house early. Got the presents wrapped and under the tree early. Everything certainly looks festive, but I just ain't feelin' it. Stupid time all goin' by too fast.

I really feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. It's been building for months now and I've been pretty successful at stavein' it off. Hopefully I can keep it up, but it's gettin' harder and harder. Is this what depression is?!?!? If it is, stupid depression.

My house is a mess. Everything from my basement is STILL in my dining room from the flood.....or in our case floods....and you know how you just feel better in a neat clean place? Stupid torrential rain.

I'm afraid if I start movin' the bigger awkward things back down, I'll end up takin' a head first spill down the stairs. Every time I think about doin' it, I just think there ain't no way I can move all that heavy shit that everything else goes on without me fallin' down the stairs. Stupid wonky ass fallin' down problem.

Yeah...I fall. Like all the time. Just this mornin' as a matter of fact. There's leaves all over our drive way. Wet, nasty leaves. I was all walkin' along and then ffftttt.....feet came out from underneath me and I was on the driveway. Awesome. I just sat there for a minute and cried. Yep....meltdown....it's comin'....I can feel it. I didn't cuss. I didn't scream at the leaves for bein' stupid....I just sat there and cried. Stupid wet fuckin' leaves on the driveway. Stupid driveway.

Here's the problem.....I've been really, really lonely these days despite the fact that people are always around. One very important person just ain't around anymore.....even when he's in the same room as me, he just ain't there. My mostest bestest friend......M....I....A......and I have no control over it. None. Take control away from a control freak and that's a sure fire meltdown.

I've soaked in everyone's depressin' ass bullshit so much these days that I'm just barely managin' my own bullshit. I'm on bullshit overload. I'd really just like to disappear for a little while and come back when things are better.

You make your own happiness and you make your own misery. It's gettin' harder and harder to make happy and that's just stupid.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Changes

I ain't so good at change. I hate change. Change makes me panic.

On that note, I'm about to make a pretty big change.......for me anyways. I'm gonna be leavin' blogger soon for my own .com. I'm nervous. I'm totally freakin' out. It's the unknown and I don't do unknown. Hell, I can't even figure out unknown!

You ever feel totally retarded when it comes to computer stuff? I do. All the time. Totally retarded. I can't figure out shit. Even the most minute change can leave me a droolin' mess on the floor. Luckily, I have Brandy. She can do anything....I mean ANYTHING. She's always helped me with all my computer issues. You need retarded help with website/blog stuff....she's your lady. You need a website/blog built.....she's your lady. She's gonna help me build my new blog and even host it for me. Host? What does that even MEAN!?!? I dunno, but luckily she does.

I'm freakin' out over this, but she said do it, so I am. Well, mostly she's gonna be the one doin' it, but I'm gonna be in there somewhere.

What if I forget to pay the domain name when it's time too? How are all my followers gonna follow me now? How will I follow all the people I follow? How will I maintain a website? Can I still track visitors? Do I delete my blog at blogspot? I'll have ANOTHER password to remember!

Oh sweet jesus.......I think I just busted a vein.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Yeah, Weird....I Dunno

I saw an itsy-bitsy bug walkin' on the bathroom floor this mornin' all wobbly and shit and thought, "wow, he must be blind and deaf....or drunk". On closer inspection, it was just a piece of fuzz.


I was lockin' my front door once and sneezed.....a piece of carrot came flyin' out my nose, hit the door and bounced back hittin' me in the face. Where'd that carrot been hidin'???


I took this picture at the Tellus Museum in the little train town cases.

I totally pretended I lived in this little town. I had a whole life. Really, I did. I used to see a plane flyin' overhead and would think about myself bein' on it flyin' somewhere totally awesome.


I've been on a pancake makin' kick lately. Every time I make 'em I sing Sarah McLaughlin songs. I hate Sara McLaughlin.


I talk to my plant at work. It's all gettin' big and has pretty shiny leaves. I thought, "dang, talkin' to plants totally works!....just look at how shiny the leaves are!"......turns out the plant lady sprayed some shiny leaf shit on it. I still talk to my plant.


The first (and last) time I ever smoked weed from a bong, it was a total disaster. I blew into it instead of inhaling. How the hell else was I suppose to make it all bubble up??? The only way I could ever make bubbles in my coke was to blow in the straw. Bong water went all over me and I smelled. The hippies were pissed off at me. Stupid hippies.


I almost died the other day. I've been all snotty and stopped up for like 3 weeks now. I had ran outta tissues so I just snorted it all up.....a big fat booger ball hit the back of my throat and I down near choked. Luckily, I coughed it out before I passed out. It looked pretty gross sittin' there on the floor.


Have you ever listened to the lyrics to that Christmas song Baby It's Cold Outside? I mean like, really listened? The chick just wants to leave and the dude don't wanna let her. She's all talkin' about how everyone in her family's gonna be all worried and stuff. The dude convinces her to stay for half a drink more, then she's all "say, what's in this drink".....REALLY???? Dude totally put a roofie in her drink! What's Christmasy about that song!??!?


Totally random. Yep.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Yee HAW! Gonna Meet the Pioneer Woman Tonight!!!

****SECOND UPDATE****
Pioneer Woman won't be speakin' tonight. Only signin'.
****UPDATE**** 2:30 p.m.
Just called Borders. Pioneer Woman has moved signing up to 6:00 p.m. Boarders started handin' out colored wristbands at 9 this mornin' to guarantee your spot in line. YOU MUST HAVE A WRISTBAND!!! They're now on they're THIRD color of wristbands, and have never used more than one color at any other book signing! I had planned on gettin' there around 4ish so I could have a decent spot in line, but after this whole wristband thing, I ain't goin'.....sad face..... Ain't no way in hell I can sit in line until what is at this point gonna be 1 or 2 a.m with a whole bunch of mom bloggers all talkin' about baby snot and shit.....dammit....lame. I was SOOOOO excited!!!
Dear Ree,
I love your blog, like a whole lot. I love your kids faces and Marlboro Man's too. I love your funny way of writin', all your pretty photos and especially the recipes, because well....I love food. I will get your cookbook. I really, really wanted to meet you and have our picture taken together....we both have red hair (you did at least up until recently!) and we could totally make hair babies......but I just gotta get home at a decent time. I work and if I don't get enough sleep, I am one crabby, bitchy broad and my boss don't like that. Also there is this issue I have with bein' around a bunch of gloatin' mom bloggers....they make me wanna poke my eyeballs out. I just can't do it.
Go eat at the Varsity.......get a chili slaw dog and a pc. Good shit I tell ya, good shit.
I'm so sad.
Love,
Jessica
A year or so ago a Brandy over at Not So Average Mama told me about this blog called The Pioneer Woman. She said it was all about this lady who lives on a ranch somewhere and does ranch type stuff....it was really interesting, and I really needed to check it out.
Lame. That's what I thought, but what Brandy says to do, I pretty much do.
She was right. Once I started readin', I couldn't stop.

There were some of the most beautiful photos I'd ever seen and an entire section with photo tips....which I totally haven't tried, because just readin' them alone makes my brain go all fuzzy....that and I don't have the photo editing program she has.

I was immediately hooked on her Black Heels to Tractor Wheel series, which tells the story of her (who at the time, was a chick who was raised in a golf course community and was probably a total spoiled brat) and her rancher husband meetin' and fallin' in love. A city girl meets and falls in love with a cowboy. Ugh.....I'm SUCH a sucker for love stories.
So reminded me of my love for Lucchese boots.....and because of her, I have my very own pair and wear them as much as humanly possible.......
I've also cooked several things in her cookin' section. My favorite is the Crash Hot Potatos.....best shit ever.......

Hope she doesn't mind...I totally stole this picture from her site.

Last Christmas, Jeremy and I were using her recipe for beef tenderloin and he suggested we do somethin' a specific way and I can remember sayin', "No! That's not how Pioneer Woman said to do it!" I knew then that I had a problem.

I've actually cooked quite a few of her recipes and now, in addition to her Tasty Kitchen recipe site, she's put out a cookbook.......AND..........she's totally gonna be in Atlanta for a book signin' TONIGHT and I'm totally goin'!

In case you're wonderin', she'll be at Borders on Peachtree Road in Atlanta tonight at 7:30.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Winter Swap Meet at Jailhouse Choppers!

Don't you hate it when it gets all cold outside and all the swap meets seem to disappear? Yeah well, Jailhouse Choppers is steppin' up to satisfy your need for a winter swap meet.....this Sunday, December 6th from 1o a.m. to 5 p.m.

Come out and buy some stuff for your winter project (whether it be a bike or a hot rod) and meet Pauly and Trafton and the rest of the Jailhouse team.....


FREE FOR VENDORS AND SPECTATORS! NO COVER CHARGE!!!

YOU GOT MOTORCYLE OR VINTAGE CAR PARTS YOU'DE LIKE TO SELL? CALL NOW TO RESERVE YOUR FREE SPOT! (770)978-8977

MOTORCYCLES, MOTORCYCLES PARTS, AND VINTAGE CAR PARTS ONLY! PLEASE NO LEATHER, JEWELRY, OR OTHER NOVELTY TYPE ITEMS, UNLESS THEY ARE VINTAGE.




You got questions, they got answers........

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Stand In.....

Crisis averted......she totally fell for it.....or at least she pretended to.

This is how it all went down.....

I stopped at TJ Maxx on the way home and grabbed this way cute little elf. There's a whole lotta cuteness to match it that I wanted to buy too, but this is one broke bitch, and the elf was a necessity.

I got home and said to the girl, "I got the weirdest voicemail today at work. It said.....Collect call from the North Pole, press 1 to accept". Keep in mind that I am the WORLD'S WORST liar. This was no small feat for me. The girl was all, "MOM!!! That coulda been Little Jimmy callin' to explain why he ain't here on time, and YOU missed the call!"......

"Ain't no way it can be this easy" I thought. There is NO way the girl's fallin' for this shit. She calls me out on EVERYTHING and she don't do it subtly. She all bob's her head and holds up that one finger sayin' she ain't no dummy.....she's always on to me. It was really strange how she was just fallin' for it all.....

So, once I was certain she was fast asleep, I pulled out stand-in elf (which I named Pistu (peestoo) after a boy's imaginary friend in a book I recently read), got a piece of paper and started to think of what to write for an explanation as to why this freakish lookin' elf is here in place of Little Jimmy.

I feel that any time you can teach a kid a lesson, you should., so I could come up with somethin' that could learn the kid somethin'. You know, somethin' that the girl would think "wow, if it can happen to one of Santa's elves, it can happen to ANYONE!"

Hmmm.....

Little Jimmy had one too many at the good ol' North Pole bar and was in a drunk drivin' accident that luckily he survived, but just barely so he's in the hospital until he heals and once he does he's goin' to jail......

Little Jimmy fell prey to an online stalker that had finally convinced him to meet him in person.......

Little Jimmy took some drugs an elf friend gave him and has been hallucinating and pickin' at his face for the past 3 weeks and lost his job because of it.......

Ok, so maybe usin' a Christmas Elf to teach some sorta lesson ain't the best idea I've ever had. Obviously, the girl wants to believe in this whole elf that reports to Santa nightly thing so much that she's goin' along with all my lies. There ain't NO WAY in hell she doesn't know what's really up. No way! So if the kid wants to believe in magic and fantasy who the hell am I to ruin it for her with stories of drunk drivin', internet pervs or drugs? She can just go right on believin' because I ain't gonna be the one to fuck it all up for her......well, at least not until she gets into middle school anyhow.

So the story goes.....Little Jimmy's ol' lady Aimee had their first baby so Lil' Jim couldn't make it. He's sorry and hopes the kids won't be too disappointed. Yeah. So goes the story.

Now, I'm totally not a mornin' person. I just wanna do what I gotta do and not be looked at or talked to. I knew this mornin' though that the girl was gonna have some talkin' to do havin' seen this new stand-in. I had to gear myself up for it.

I walk into the kitchen and the second the girl hears me she yells, "MOM! I know what that call you got at work yesterday was about!" I say "call? what call?". She says, "you know the one that was from the North Pole! Come see! He looks weird! It's a different elf! Come see! There's even a note!" I ask what the note says.....she says "I dunno, I can't read cursive yet!". I grumble and stomp....just a little.....and head towards the livin' room tyrin' to pretend I'm as shocked and as excited as she is. Did I mention that I'm totally not a morning person?

Crisis averted.

APB....Little Jimmy is Missing!!!

It's December 1st and Little Jimmy shoulda made his first appearance at the house this morning. Evidently, I hid Little Jimmy so good that last time last year that even I can't find him. This is no bueno.
Little Jimmy is an Elf on the Shelf. We read the book, he shows up in a different spot every morning and watches and reports back to Santa every night. Seriously.

The boy gets it. He knows. The elf ain't nothin' but a stuffed doll. The girl....she still believes. She was snoopin' around a week or so ago and found the book that Little Jimmy is SUPPOSED to be stuffed in after Christmas and said "Mom! Little Jimmy's not in his book! He's gone back to the North Pole to get all his instructions!"

"Dammit. She STILL believes in Little Jimmy", I remember thinkin'.

I mean really, you try comin' up with 30 different hidin' spots for a little elf that won't take your kids more than a few minutes to find every mornin'. Sure, I could go all crazy and shit and put him in kitchen cabinets and the dog's crate and in a kabillion other spots that would have the kids huntin' forever, but I'd be gettin' the kids up at 5 every mornin' so they'd have enough time to find the damn thing.

I have this really old ornament on my tree that bares an eerie resemblance to our Little Jimmy and I considered just pullin' off the tree hopin' the girl wouldn't notice it was just a stand in. I can hear it now though. "That ain't little Jimmy! What's goin' on here? You've got some splainin' to do".

Dammit Little Jimmy. I think you've had enough time gettin' your instructions from Santa. You need to get your ass in gear and get back to the house.

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