Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Jailhouse Choppers Free Beer Bike Night!

No, you didn't read it wrong. It says free beer bike night.....and free FOOD courtesy of Dog of Two Dogs Fuckin'. Yeah, weird name but whatever. This dood can cook like nobody's freakin' business. AND by free food, I ain't just talkin' wieners and pretzels either. I'm talkin' about some damn fine eatin' like grilled chicken.....and stew....and beans. Oh sweet jesus, my mouth's all waterin'.

The night starts at 7:30 and runs 'til everybody leaves. They have prize raffles, a 50/50 raffle and you can also buy a $10 ticket (or 5 for $35) for the chance to win a 1973 Triumph Board Tracker which'll be raffled off sometime this month.

Jailhouse and Twisted Throttle Choppers alternate every other Wednesday which shop's gonna have bike night, so call the shop ahead of time to make sure which it is. They're number's 770-978-8977.

The music's good, the food is excellent and the company's even better. So, call your friends, get on your bikes and head down to see Pauly and Trafton at Jailhouse TONIGHT bitches!

3685 Hewatt Court, Suite I, Snellville 30039

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Really, Really Do

I love you more than a fat chick loves crinkle fries dipped in ranch dressin'.

I love you more than EMO boys love girl pants.

I love you more than all the illegals love comin' here and havin' anchor babies.

I love you more than flies love poo.

I love you more than a meth addict loves pickin' at their skin.

I love you more than that girl takin' my order at McDonald's loves suckin' her teeth.

I love you more than an epileptic loves a helmet.

I love you more than Little Vin loves lickin' on Bruiser's lipstick.

I love you more than a cheap hooker loves the morning after pill.

I love you more than a hipster loves their white fake Ray Ban's and beat up Chuck T's.

I love you more than white people love throwin' 80's themed parties.

I love you more than a virgin in denial loves talkin' about their STD.

I love you more than most people love actin' like they give a crap about homeless people.

I love you more than a hypochondriac loves goin' to the doctor.

I love you more than a biker loves his "the bitch fell off" shirt.

I love you more than all the people in E. Atlanta love PBR.

I do, I really, really do.....

Friday, September 25, 2009

Trash Can of Death

The boy takes the trash out to the road for pick up. It's his job. This morning though, he came back in the house and said the trash can was too heavy for him to move. I said somethin' about maybe he should eat more Wheaties and then I went outside to move it up to the road myself.

Turns out, after the 20.37 inches of rain we had last week, the trash can was full of about 800 gallons of water, plus the trash. I pushed and pulled and heaved and hoed and finally got the sumbitch to move.

No shit, that thing weighed more than I do and since our driveway is on a slight incline, I was havin' one helluva a time tryin' to get it up to the road. I remembered thinkin' "dammit, I JUST straightened my bangs. Now I'm gonna be all sweaty and shit and I'll have to do it again"....and just about then, the evil trash can came topplin' backwards on top of me.

My knee gave out and hit the driveway. My face got acquainted with the back side of the trash can and I couldn't free one of my hands from the handle, so it dragged along the concrete.

The best part? The gallons and gallons of puke smellin' trash can juice that gushed out.

Standin' there covered in the trash can juice, I flipped the fuck out. You ever heard one of your neighbors cussin' out a trash can? Mine hadn't either........until today.

Once I righted my glasses back on my face, I noticed the blood drippin' from my hand and I went back to hollerin' and cussin....and kickin'....and some other sweet ass kungfuery type moves. The boy just stood there all wide eyed and finally broke me of my fit pitchin' by askin' if I was ok. "No, no I don't think so....go get Mama her whiskey".......kiddin' y'all...just kiddin'.

I hobbled back into the house and cleaned myself up. The soap burned my hand SO bad. Bandaids, lots and lots of bandaids. I went upstairs to change my clothes and decided I didn't give a shit if my bangs were straight or not.

I headed back down the stairs with my bandaged up hand, scratched glasses and throbbin' face. I found the boy wearing latex gloves that were at least four times too big for him and he was puttin' all the trash can juice covered junk back in the trash can. Bless his heart. Right then, a tear rolled down my cheek. It was the sweetest thing he'd ever done for me.

It took him and I both to get the thing back upright. It was only 8:30 in the monrin' and I had just gotten my ass handed to me by the trash can of death. We got in the car to take the boy on to school and I had to just sit for a minute.....a/c on high and breathe. My bandaids were doin' a bad job, I'm certain to have a black eye and even though I changed my clothes and freshened up, I still smelled like trash can juice.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Rain, Rain, Go Away.....

Atlanta and most all the surrounding areas were completely under water yesterday.

(This picture was taken Monday afternoon.....minus Kanye of course!)

Sunday, this was the main road just off the street we live on. We thought it was pretty bad. It got much worse.

We woke up Monday morning to a busted water heater and a little water in our basement. Even though the rain had continued through the night, the street had cleared up and school hadn't been cancelled as I'd expected it would've been.

I took the kids to school and by the time Jeremy (who had already taken the day off so he could have a nice relaxin' day off.....HA!) and I headed out to buy a new hot water heater the road had flooded again. It was STILL raining. When we got home, our basement had started takin' in water. We had two friends come over to help move everything outta the basement (just in the nick of time!) and Jeremy's dad came over to help install the hot water heater while Jeremy started vacuuming the water up.

I knew things were only gonna get worse so at 12:30 my friend Chewy and I headed to pick up the kids from school which are both less than three miles from the house. I got the girl with no trouble.....just an insane downpour of rain. On the way to get the boy, the road had flooded in two places. A truck that was in front of us plowed right through it, so I put it in 4 hi and followed. By the time I got the boy and headed back, the road was completely impassible. The places I had just come through were blocked off by fire trucks and there were stalled cars.

I tried half a dozen different ways home, all of which were impassible. I about lost my mind.

Four and a half hours later, we made it home.

The entire basement flooded by then. We had two shop vacs goin' and we were barely makin' a dent in the water. Jeremy had been at it for hours. So much for that relaxin' day off.

Without the help of Jeremy's dad and our friends Big Butt Chad and Chewy, we would probably still not have hot water and a lot of the shit in the basement would have water damage. We are eternally grateful for their help.....and grateful for the friends that were willing to head out in the flood of the century to help.

Our basement is still wet and smells a little sour and our kitchen/dining room are overflowing with all the furniture and stuff that we had to bring up.

The house next door had a virtual river in their back yard. Just two houses down, the creek completely took over a neighbor's basement. There are houses just up the road that were submerged in water up to their windows. Cars and even children that have been swept away.

We are lucky, lucky, lucky.

.....and there's more rain comin'.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Back Burner

That's where I am right now. I've put my own life on the back burner.

You can never correct what you don't confront and there's no better time than when the fuck's now gonna get here? There's always somethin' from the outside creepin' its way to the inside and for some fucked up reason those outside things have become priorities.

I just barely scraped the surface and this is what I found.

All the most important things have been slipping. It's not fair and it's not right. It's always,"well, right after this happens and that's done, we'll get back on track". The this's and that's just keep on fuckin' comin' don't they?

The line's been driftin' for way too fuckin' long, it's time to reel that shit back in. It's time to stop makin' the outside more important than the inside before we forget all together. We are all we got.

The winds of change better be startin' to blow.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I Miss It

I miss the way things used to be.

I miss the yard bein' all pretty and stuff, but I just don't give a shit if there's weeds overwhelmin' my flower beds. I ain't got time for that shit.

I miss having a spotless house, but I just ain't got the time for that shit either.

I miss havin' the time for that shit.

I miss my feet in your lap.

I miss only goin' grocery shoppin' twice a month and you always bein' there to help unload the car.

I miss havin' nothin' to do on the weekends.

I miss calzone and Sopranos night.

I miss talkin' about stuff that has nothin' to do with motorcycles or how much work sucks.

I miss just gettin' in the car and goin'....nowhere in particular.

I miss sittin' on the front porch talkin'.

I miss sittin' down with the kids and doin' holiday makin' angels and turkeys with their hands.

I miss decoratin' the house for Halloween sooner than a week before Halloween.

I miss bein' able to complain about bein' bored.

I miss listenin' to awesome music and paintin' shit on the walls.

I miss openin' up the windows and lettin' the fall breeze in the house.

I miss you cookin' good food for me all the time (you know food ain't just the way to a man's heart).

I miss always bein' one step ahead.

I miss havin' help with cleanin' the house.

I miss my normal.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Drive Invasion 2009

On Sunday, we all got up at the ass crack o' dawn to get ready to head down to Drive Invasion. Even though I went to bed around midnight I probably had maybe 4 hours of sleep because I was so excited.

I dragged ass, made breakfast for everyone and checked to make sure we had everything loaded in the car that we needed. The plan was to leave at 8am sharp. I'm sure our neighbors loved us. Eight o'clock in the mornin' and we had a several bikes and my loud as car idlin' in the cul-de-sac waitin' on one person. Sorry neighbors.

We got to the Drive In just a little after 9 and the line was already out to the road. The whole point of me leavin' so early is so I can avoid that long line, because the process of actually gettin' in the gate is a long one (when you're in an old ass car that wants to overheat). After about 5 minutes in line I had to turn the heat on so Bess could cool down a bit...awesome. Thankfully the line moved a little faster than past years, but I was sweatin' my ass off by the time we made our way down the hill.

Once I figured out where I was gonna park, my car just kinda died. She was done. THEN some parkin' nazi comes up and tells me I gotta move over, I'm crossin' the yellow line, takin' up more space than I should. I wanted to tell him to go kick some fuckin' rocks. My car was DONE for a while...let the bitch rest, DAMN....but I just gave him my best evil eye and got back in my car. I had 5 gallons of pink drink in my trunk waitin' on me and the longer I stood there and argued with the dude, the longer it would've taken for me to get to it.

Fifteen minutes later and with the help of some boys pushin', I successfully moved Bess over the 4 inches the parkin' nazi insisted upon.....then I decided I wanted to turn my car around to face the other direction. Poor girl. By 9:30 I got my shit situated and started my first cup of the pink drink.

Over the next hour, the people poured in and we actually managed to all park together this year.....

For some crazy reason, I just didn't take as many pictures as I usually do. Normally I have well over 300 pictures for the two days. Even though it was only one day this year, I think I only took just over 60. Nuts.

So here's some of them......

Two of my favorite people....

Rock 'n Roll Tiger......

Drunk bitches....

Bess makin' boys look tough....

Wanda Jackson.

Gettin' purdy...
Part of the parkin' lot......
The only one of us that actually represented.....
More bitches......


More cars.....

Bikes and cars....

I sure do wish I had one of these to take with me every year so I could just stay the night....

My hot ass man....
The lovely view of Mt. Trashmore....
The crowd......
Our awesome ghetto grill....
Then end....

Everbody's Gotta Love Somethin'

Our boy turned 14 over the weekend and for his birthday, we took him to the Dragon-Con parade. The thought of being around thousands and thousands of......dragon-con type people was just shy of torture for me and Jeremy, but it's what the boy wanted and both he and the girl were SUPER excited about dressin' up. The boy dressed up as Naruto and the girl was....the girl.
While we were waiting for the parade to start, I went into Starbucks and got pretty damn excited when I saw that even Wookie's get a hankerin' for a Starbucks sometimes.

With my Starbucks in hand, I tried my best not to make eye contact with any of the.....dragon-con type people around me. I wanted to avoid any and all talk of droogs, or mogs or shakira or any other.... whatever. Turns out it don't matter if you look some people's way or not, they're way too excited about cartoons and galaxies a million years away to not talk to you about it.

I had some 4 foot tall fat red headed chick with no neck (yeah, I ain't talkin' about myself) standin' next to me that thought she needed to point out every cartoon and scifi character she recognized. I just kept sayin' "I have no idea who that is, I have no idea who that is" Finally, I had to just turn my back to the chick and ignore her. The kids were all whinin' about "when's the parade gonna start?" and between the chatty fat chick and the kids, I just couldn't do it anymore. All my nice ran out.

FINALLY the parade started.....WOOOOOO!!!! Some of the first people were dressed as the characters from Spaceballs. That was AWESOME. I love Spaceballs.

Then there was the Six Flags guy.

I almost fell out when I realized who was in this car......
......freakin' Bo Duke! Oh man the fantasies I had about him as a kid....and yea, Daisy's there too.

I thought this dude...err whatever the hell it was, was gonna poke my freakin' eye out through my camera lense. That shit woulda hurt.

Of course there were like a kabillion Stormtroopers.....but these? In kilts? Even stormtroopers are hot as shit in kilts. From what I understand some of these guys get bored and mix things up each year by wearin' different things on their bottom half.

These Mad Max people were insane. I wanna be a card carryin' member .

....about made me puke. Seriously, like milk foam comin' out my nose and all.

Here we have the periodic table. Yeah. I'm glad I didn't have to hear the conversation that happened when that decision was made.
...and Monty Python and the Holy Grail....

....and a bunch of boys (and one girl) that didn't eat or drink for three days before the parade. I'd be lyin' though if I said they weren't about hot as shit....they totally a Gerard Butler, 300 sorta way. One of the best movies....EVER.

Among the hundreds of Star Wars costumes, there were several people dressed up in Star Wars costumes made from boxes.

Here's Jeremy and the kids with our friend Jason....errr....Lord Stan....err Satan and his kids......Ha, Ha....Lord Stan. Evidently when you get your Dragoncon badges, you get to have whatever name you want put on it so our friend Jason decided to go with Lord Satan....he got Lord Stan last year. HA! HA! HA! HA!
This guy really cracked me up. Look, all he could afford was the Darth Vader helmet. He's got the rest of the shit on layaway at the Darth Vader Store......

Finally the parade ended so we could leave and the girl would finally shut up all her complainin' about starvin' half to death. The boy loved the parade. I don't think he wanted it to end, and yeah, I'll admit it, the parade was pretty freakin' sweet. I love playin' dress up. Who am I to think all these people are.....dragon-con types? Everybody's gotta love somethin'.

I Get Delirious

This weekend was such a LONG freakin' weekend. We had the boy's birthday, Dragon-Con Parade (which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be) and the Drive Invasion. Despite not gettin' off the couch yesterday, I think I've fallen asleep twice while typin' this. Maybe the sleeping pill I took last night still hasn't worn off or maybe I'm just old.....nothin' a triple pumpkin spiced latte won't fix right? Wrong.

When I got in my car this mornin' to take the girl to school, there was a penis straw sittin' on my dash that Jeremy had found in my car from a bachelorette party I'd been to. What a nice surprise on this fine Tuesday morning. I thought I'd gotten rid of it last week after the girl found it in the backseat and asked what it was. Uhhhh, uhhhh......"It's a Halloween straw that's supposed to look like one of Frankenstein's gnarly fingers". She believed me. Yeah, it was TOTALLY one of frankenstein's fingers....."knuckles" and all. I'm glad I haven't shown her "the book" yet. You know....the one with all the life altering cartoon drawings of parts. If I'd already done that, I'd had a lot of splainin' to do.
After I dropped the girl off at school, I came back and ended up lockin' my purse in the car. My purse that has both sets of my keys. I just kinda stood there for a minute....staring at the door willing the lock to pop up. When that didn't work, I figured it was god's way of tellin' me I didn't need to go to work today. Then I thought better of it and called Jeremy to come rescue me. I need my days off for the swine flu.

This past weekend was really, really freakin' awesome. The kids had a BLAST at the parade, the boy was super stoked about his birthday gifts, I'm still pickin' black boogers outta my nose from the burnouts Sunday night and I'm still tired.....damn fine weekend, damn fine.

I'll post pictures over the next couple days. Right now I think my brain would explode if I tried.

Ok....'til tomorrow.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I Love Food

I think I've made it pretty clear that I love food. Food is good. Yep.

Last night I made one of my favoritest things ever.....Asian Ramen Coleslaw. HEEEAAAVEN. Me and my b-fri are equally addicted and I took the opportunity to rub it in her face today that I had some for breakfast.....and dinner last night, and lunch today.

It's super easy to make and everyone who tries it will want it all to themselves. Down here in the south, the only things that go quicker at the family reunion are potato salad and green bean casserole...oh and those little wiener dogs soaked in bar-b-que sauce. Mmmm, I love me a good family reunion!

It's best to make this stuff and let it sit for several hours before you eat it, so keep that in mind. It tends to taste a little.....strong until all the vinegar settles its little vinegar self down.

So, here's what you'll need:

3 green onions, chopped
1 (6 oz.) bag coleslaw mix (I sometimes add half of another bag)
3 tablespoons sesame seeds
1 cup slivered or sliced almonds
1 (3 oz.) package chicken-flavored ramen noodles, reserve seasoning packet for dressing

1/4 cup oil
3 tablespoons white vinegar
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
chicken seasoning from ramen (reserved packet)

First, roast your almonds and sesame seeds. Just throw some butter in a pan and do it. I don't always have sesame seeds, but this shit's just as good without 'em.

While the ramens are still in the bag, crunch 'em all up. Like majorly crunch 'em up.

Mix together the slaw, the crushed ramens (don't forget to take out the seasoning packet genius), green onions, roasted almonds and sesame seeds.

Make the dressing by combining the all dressing ingredients. Pour that shit over the coleslaw mixture and voilĂ .

Make it. Eat it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

So I've Been Thinkin'....

I've totally decided that I want another kid. WHA? say. Yeah, I do......then the sensible side of me kicks the shit outta the side of me that's havin' some weird puppy dog syndrome action a' happenin' and I snap out of it.

It's just that I have friends that are birthin' babies and it makes me really, really want another one. Our boy is about to be 14 and he hasn't wanted to have anything to do with us for a LONG time....and the girl, she's still attached to me at the hip...she MUST have smuggle time every night, but I sense it coming to an end soon and that's gonna make me cry.
I really think I'm losin' my mind. You think they got a medicine for this problem? I mean really, I know better. Kids cost a shit ton a money. They argue and make you wanna throw 'em in trash cans. They produce big fat terds that are always cloggin' the toilet. They lie about doin' homework. They complain about no...I really don't want another kid.....but....then again.....
They're awesome. They have crazy weird thoughts that're tons of entertainment and you can make shit up to tell 'em so they have even more bizarre facts and opinions in their heads. Putty in your hands they are, putty in your hands. They also look to you as their parents for everything in their little child lives. Everything. They got questions, you're the first person they're gonna ask. They're living breathing beings that you and the person you love the most (if you're lucky enough) made together that you get to watch grow into awesome little humans......

Then they grow up, move away and you never hear from them, because they got better shit to do then call their mom and dad. SO....I think I should be poppin' out a kid every 6-8 years until I'm like 65. That should keep me with a youngin' until I die....right? Not empty nest issues for me!
THEN the sensible side says "you're fuckin' nuts Jessica.....nuts. You know how much that shit'll cost you? Not just in money, but sanity!".....So, no...I know that deep down I really don't want anymore kids. I just wanna borrow a baby every now and again. That's all. Borrow a baby.

Then I see this....and I've changed my mind again. I do want more kids.
I mean really? A Hello Kitty maternity ward?

Shit...that means I'd have to have a kid in Japan though and I'm not sure that I'd ever leave Japan once I got there. Can you imagine how much Hello Kitty shit there is there? and the shoes? The shoes in word the shoes.
I'm an idiot. So what? Not like I could have a baby even if I really, really, really, really wanted to. Just not possible. Well, maybe....that shit is reversible right?

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