Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Bikes, Flowers and a Funeral all at Once

Here it is. J on his new motorbike. It's a Sportster. Sportsters are for girls. That's why I have a secret agenda. No, really, he loves it and that's really all that matters. He's happy, I'm happy.

While I was takin' pictures of J headin' out on his first ride on the bike, I decided to take a few shots of some of the flowers we've got growing in our yard. Ain't they purdy? Thanks to them spreading their yellow love juice everywhere, I still can't breathe outta my nose and will have to once again kick my habit of nosespray.These little purple one's are awesome too.

I wish I could afford a better lens so I could get better close up shots. If I could just quit drinking for a minute, I could probably afford one!

On a totally different note, I gotta go to my Grandfather's funeral today. He died Sunday. It's now Wednesday and I just found out. Kinda sucks that no one in my family saw a need to call and tell me. Everyday I drive past where my dad is buried and can see the flowers on his grave from the road. My grandparents both have plots right by him and this morning when I drove by, I noticed there was a tent over my dad's grave. I knew immediately that one of my grandparents had passed. So when I got to work, I checked the local paper. I was stunned....there was my grandfather's name.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah...Hey, Hey, Hey...GOODBYE!

FINALLY! J sold his truck. That big ol' heap of flat black jun.....err.....awesomeness. Yeah, awesomeness, that's what I meant.
Oh the pleasure of pulling up in the driveway and not seeing that truck just sitting there. Sitting there and and wasting space. Breathing car air that another awesome car/bike could be breathing from the comfyness of our driveway.

It's no secret that I didn't like that truck. First, I hate long bed trucks. They look retarded. Second, I hated the moon hubcaps. I know I'm totally in the minority with this, but I think those things are hideous. I think they can make a fantastic lookin' car look like pure poo. Whatever. Besides that, it didn't run. Wouldn't run. J had lost interest after one failed attempt after another the get the motor problems ironed out. Man, I'm so glad to see it go.

It was funny, after J sold it, we went out to eat and while we were sitting there he kinda jump upped a little and said "OW!" I turned and said "What happened?!?" He said, "Oh nothin'. Money's just burnin' a hole in my pocket". What a retard!

When J had a bike, all he could think about was getting a truck. He sold his bike (that he looked as soooo dead sexy on and I loved riding) he could get his truck. He got it. It sucked (in my totally not wanted opinion!). He regretted not having a bike, but a truck is what he wanted at that moment. You know how men are. They want EVERYTHING. Like little kids in a candy store. Always wanting.
So, what will fill the space in our driveway now? Another truck? A sweet old loud ass car? Nope.....another bike. One that is totally not suitable for a passenger. One that doesn't even have a place to put foot pegs. One that has some secret agenda attached to it so that J can get away by himself without me!!! One that I'm going to take over. He just don't know it yet! Mwuahahah!!! I have my own secret agenda!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Wish I Could Make Cry Baby Sounds Here

I'm sick. Again. Dammit.

This pollen is gonna force me to move to Alaska. I wanna beat up pollen. Maybe get a restraining order against it or somethin'.

Now is SO not the time to be sick. I guess better now than in a couple weeks. Really though, no time between now and the 16th is a good time to be sick. It's time to start really focusing on all the little details of our Bitches Bash.

It consumes me. Stacy (my hijacked shoes friend) and I are both eating, sleeping and breathing this show. Hopefully after we all meet this weekend we'll be able to get a little help from the other girls. Even then though, will I relax a bit? No, probably not. I'm such a control freak. I've been let down by most of the important people in my life in one way or another so it's hard to depend on all the people you think you should be able to. If you want something done, the best way to make sure it's done and done right is to do it yourself. Right? But then again, a girl should be able to depend on her girls. I guess we'll see in the upcoming weeks!

Such is life. I feel like shit so I'm whining. What? Everybody's entitled to a pity party when they're sick.

No matter what, the show will be a huge success. If half the people show up who've said they are, it's gonna be insane. IN-FREAKIN-SANE.
I'm Nervous.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My Thought Process

Islands in the stream. That is what we are. No one in-between, how could we be wrong? Sail away with me. To another world and we rely on each other, uh-huh.....Makin' love with each other......uh-huh....

That song is TOTALLY stuck in my head!

Today is Secretary's Day, or for you women's lib ladies, Administrative Assistants Day or for you hell fire women's rights ladies, Administrative Professionals Day. Whatever you call it, I hope you had a good one if you work in an office.

For years, I have in a roundabout way reminded my Boss of the day and a week or so later, the office would cater lunch in. Always delicious too, of course! This year bossman had it all planned out like two weeks in advance. All on his own! We were all treated to lunch at On the Border and since I feel like total ass, I didn't drink. Dammit. I've NEVER turned down free liquor. Oh well, it was nice anyhow.

Like I said before, I feel like total ass. Like shouldn't be at work total ass. I'm at work though and I'm pretty slow movin' especially after such an awesome lunch. For a minute I sat at my desk and stared at my pile of work and thought "Gawd....I got a whole lot to do and a short time to do it in."
So I decide to go hang out in the bathroom for a bit.
This is where my thought process kicks in. From "I got a whole lot to do and a short time to do it in", I go to singin' " We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there. I'm east bound just watch ol' Bandit run." Then I start thinkin' poor Jerry Reed. How old was he when he died? Man that sucks.
From there I start thinking about what I crush I used to have on Burt Reynolds back in the day. Damn that man was FINE. A little hairy for my tastes, but back then I didn't know how gross all that body hair was.

Then ol' Burt went and did this to himself.....
Dang Burt, why'd you go and do all that to yourself? You look all plasticy and I totally gag when I see you now.
After spending a brief moment of silence for the death of hot Burt Reynolds, I progressed to Kenny Rogers. Now that's one man I had a major crush on when I was a kid. I mean MAJOR. You ever see the movie Six Pack? Yeah well, you totally should if you haven't. He does sit ups in that movie.
Skip forward to the 2000's and that man's done gone all Burt Reynolds on me, too. I look at him and feel embarrassed for him. I wonder how much he paid to have his face mutilated like that. Totally gnarly lookin' he is now.
Just look at him!
Again, while sitting on the toilet at work, I mourned the death of the hot Kenny Rogers with a brief moment of silence then I started singing for him.

Islands in the stream. That is what we are. No one in between, how could we be wrong? Sail away with me. To another world and we rely on each other, uh-huh.....Makin' love with each other......uh-huh....

Monday, April 20, 2009

Hijacked Shoes

Some of you may remember my post about the slut shoes I couldn't live without. The slut shoes I had to have. The slut shoes that were never get the love and adoration from the people because I just haven't worn them enough.

Despite what I wrote before, I have yet to clean house in my slut shoes. I've worn them to the office a few times (slightly inappropriate I know), but they've never been worn "out". I know what happens when I go out. I drink and I tend to.....stumble....a little.

(Random picture from Saturday night!)

While gettin' dressed to go out Saturday night, I decided to put on my awesome slut shoes just to see exactly how much of a weeble wobble I looked like in them. I sauntered my ass in to the bathroom where J was brushing his hair and I posed. He said "damn, your ass looks good! Wearin' your butt panties aren't you?" Well, no, I wasn't wearin' my butt panties, my ass has just gotten that big thank you very much......besides, LOOK AT MY SHOES dammit! He said I looked damn good in them and had to wear 'em out.

I thought about it. I pushed aside all thoughts of faceplants in the streets of Atlanta and figured why not? I could just cling to J's arm all night to keep me from hittin' the floor as I trip and I could just take them off after I had a few drinks.

That was a great idea and all, but have you ever walked around the streets of Atlanta barefooted? Uh yeah. No bueno. Luckily, I had thrown a pair of flip flops in the car just in case and decided it was high time to get 'em.

I never made it to my car. BUT, I did come home wearing these..... Which totally are not these.....

Before I could make it to the car, a friend of mine Stacy graciously said we could trade shoes to give my feet a rest. Although her shoes were heels too, they were WAY more comfortable. I coulda run from the cops in those things if I had to!

The night goes on and by the end of the night I couldn't even wear Stacy's shoes. The wickery soles had made the balls of my feet raw as hell feelin'! There I was. Drunk. In Atlanta. Barefooted.....and Stacy had disappeared with my slut shoes. For a brief moment in my drunken stupor, I panicked. MY SLUT SHOES!!! WERE ARE MY SLUT SHOES?!?!? ARE THEY GONNA BE OK???? OH GOD!

Yeah. Then I had another shot and got over it. I'm thinkin' about hijacking her shoes. They're so cute and so comfy. I could really get used to heels if they were all the comfortable.

Thank you Stacy for lending me your shoes! Real friends don't let real friends get drunk in dangerous shoes.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Thank You Easta Bunny! Bock! Bock!

You remember that commercial? The one with the little girl that says "Thank you Easta Bunny! Bock! Bock!" I love that commercial! I love Easter. All the pretty colors of eggs, the baskets the Easter bunny leaves for the kids, the Easter egg hunt.....who am I kiddin'? I just want the food!

We of course had all the traditional food you're supposed to have ion Easter....ham (which J said tasted weird so I just couldn't eat it....he totally syked me out!), green bean casserole, potato salad, homemade mac and cheese (courtesy of J's mom) creamed spinach, black eyed peas and the most delicious rolls ever for me to make my little green bean casserole and potato salad sandwiches!

The kids were dyin' to do the Easter Egg Hunt.
This year we put 10 one dollar bills in some of the eggs. Amazingly enough each kid got five money eggs each! AMAZING! No fights over who got more money.

Some may say the boy is too old for Easter egg huntin'. Psshtt. Whatever. I'd totally be huntin' eggs too if somebody else put money in them for me!

I totally love hidin' eggs that the kids just can't seem to find. I stood and pointed in the direction of this one for like 2 hours before the girl finally caught on.

He's totally hopin' there's money in them thar eggs!

J and his mom had the prime site seein' spot for scoutin' out any missed eggs. Can't believe J was standing there like that though. Our deck has quite the sorted past with people takin' spills off it.
After all the eggs were collected and the kids had disappeared inside to check out their loot, we hung out with the dogs for a bit. Here's Little as fast can be! They'll never catch me!
This is Bruiser. He just realized he can get on the trampoline and still ain't sure he likes it. He does it anyways.

Easter was awesome. It was beautiful......thank god the stupid wind storm we had on Monday didn't come a day earlier! Our back yard looks like a war zone. The top of a pine tree snapped and by the grace of god didn't crush our fence. It's freakin' HUGE!!!!....and it's only the TOP of the tree! Then there are countless branches strewn everywhere, some of which are big enough to be small trees! Dang....J sure is gonna have fun cleanin' all that up tomorrow while me and the girl go to the Big Shanty Fest!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

At the Skatin' Rank

The girl and I went to the skatin' rank a couple weekends ago.
It's CRAZY how much they've changed since I was a kid! Hell, it's crazy how much they've changed in just the past 10 years.
There was a time that I couldn't wait to get my butt to "rink" on the weekends. They played songs like "Funkytown" and "Push It". There'd always be an ass ton of friends and plenty boys to flirt with. Occasionally there'd be some hooker of a girl makin' out with a boy in a dark corner, but other than that, you just went there to hang out with your friends and skate.
NOW, however, the skatin' rink is something entirely different. They have playgrounds and lasertag and all the kids are wearin' rollerblades. That my friends is just l-a-m-e. I mean really? Inline skates is for freakin' Piedmont Park y'all. There's also too many kids old enough to drive that are there. Dude, when you get your time at the rink has come and gone.
The music they play now is an issue all of it's own. I tend to tune it all out, because it all sucks ass, but at one point I caught myself singin' along......"I kissed a girl and I liked iiittt!"....Oh shit, really?!?! They're playin' that at the skatin' rink on a Saturday afternoon when it's filled with freakin' elementary school kids????
I'm no prude. Oh I??? I know all the kids know that song. It's so catchy you coulda never even have heard the damn thing and it could be stuck in your head....but with lyrics like "no, I don't even know your name, you're just my experimental felt so wrong, it felt so right.....I hope my boyfriend don't mind." I DON'T want that in my girl's head! I don't want her to think that it's ok to be makin' out with people you don't know, I don't want her cheatin' on her boyfriend, I don't want her kissin' a girl to experiment (whatever I don't care...I don't wanna know about it ok?). All that's fine and good for an adult, hell, even a middle school's life! (you know you were totally makin' out in middle school!)....but that song on a Saturday afternoon???? All the freakin' kids were freaking 3rd graders! DAMMIT.
I started focusing, trying to pay attention to the suck ass music. I realized just how sexually charged a lot of it was. Not all if it was like that, but I remember hearing something that I thought was totally gross and inappropriate for an elementary school kid. Wish I could remember what it was. Luckily my girl focuses more on not lookin' (in her words) "totally retarded" when she skates so she wasn't really hearing the music anyways.
Did I say something about the crap ass inappropriate music? No, but I thought about it. A lot. It actually consumed me for a brief minute, but decided I was in a decent mood that day and didn't wanna embarrass the shit outta the girl. I'd let it be. Maybe next time, I'll skate my big 'ol ass over to the pimply ass, side ways hat wearin', yo-yo talkin' kid that is the dj and just smack him upside the head. UGh...I hate people.
Despite the crap ass music and the throngs of irritatin' kids, we had fun. She had fun. It was a day that I didn't totally embarrass the girl. All was good.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Where’s the resemblance?

I’m walking through the grocery store before work one morning and this girl working there asks me if she can ask me a question. Because I was in a hurry, I wanted to tell her she just did and keep walking, but didn’t feel like being a total douche bag so I stopped and said “sure”.

The girl puts one hand on her hip and starts shaking her other hand at me, finger all a pointin’ and stuff and says “You’re that girl on that show aren’t you?”

As I know that I am no girl on any show, I just said “Nope. Sorry, I ain’t her”. I knew exactly who she was talking about though, because I’d been asked something similar a handful of times before.

I keep walking through the store getting what I needed, headed to check out and left the store headed for my car. Once I get to my car, I realize my keys are in my purse which is locked in my car! Dammit.

I head back for the store and had to ask the same girl from before if I could use the phone. She obliged and sat there staring at me the entire time. She totally thought I had lied to her earlier and I really was Mary Alice from Ace of Cakes… know the show on Food Network about Charm City Cakes?
Fast forward a few years and I’m still getting the same thing.
I was waiting to get in an elevator last week and this guy was all eyeballin’ me weird. Not in the “God, I really wanna touch your hair” way or the “I wish my girlfriend’s boobs were as big as yours” way either. It was totally creepin’ me out. Once on the elevator dude says to me, “you know that show….” I cut him off and say, “No, I’m not her, but I get that a lot". He asks if I’m sure. Why, hell yes I’m sure! Mary Alice and I look NOTHING alike. Especially now that she's cut her hair off and quit coloring it red. Before that though, all we had in common was red hair, we both wear glasses and we’re both a little on the chubby side. Seriously….isn’t that like racist or something to think that all chubby red heads that wear glasses look the same?

So anyhow. Dude goes on to say that he was so excited when he realized that I was getting on the elevator with him. He had just watched the show the night before for the first time in a long time. “Sorry to disappoint you”, I said as I got of at my floor.

Later that day as I was leaving, the elevator stopped and the same dang dude gets on the elevator again saying “it’s you again”! Yes, yes it was ME again…..not MARY ALICE, although he clearly thought that’s who I was. He apologized for if he had offended me earlier. As he says that he’s still eyeballin’ me all weird. Like he’s lookin’ for some mole or something that will catch me in a lie….some clue to the fact that I'm really who he thinks I am.

The elevator stops at the ground floor and we both get off. I walk through the parking garage and down some stairs. The entire time dude is still behind me. Once I get close to my car he says “I swear I’m not stalking you”!

Sure ok….whatever. He totally thinks he knows what kinda car Mary Alice drives now.

I was telling my mom about all this and she tells me there’s some new show coming out that's called “I Get That A Lot”. It uses actors in public situations and when people ask them if they are that famous person, they say “No, but I get that a lot”.

No wonder the guy thought I was lying. That’s exactly what I said to him!

No more pictures please......I'm not her yo.

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