Saturday, November 21, 2009

Just Gimme One Squirt

I'm sick. Again. I'm so over bein' sick. I've spent the past three days whining, snortin' snot down my throat and applying mass amounts of chapstick to keep my lips from crakin' from all the mouth breathin'. It's KILLIN' me. Oh how I despise not bein' able to breathe through my nose. Sudafed doesn't work. Tylenol Sinus doesn't work. Advil Sinus doesn't work. That stupid hair brained idea of a nettipot don't work either. I think everybody that uses one of those and say they actually work are liars. Stupid Oprah lovin' liars.

I'm a miserable baby when I can't breathe outta my nose. I pitch fits that can put a toddler in the throws of the terrible 2's to shame. I mope around punchin' the air outta frustration......I mean in my mind I'm totally punchin' my stopped up nose in the face, but it gets me nowhere....except in a first class seat on the train to lookin' like a total tool land.

I JUST WANT NOSE SPRAY.....I have that shit tucked in every drawer, pocket and nook and cranny in this house and my car....because when I need nose spray.....I NEED nose spray. So why not just reach out and grab some???......because Thanksgiving is only days away and I WILL be able to taste the turkey and dressin', giblet gravy, potatos and green bean casserole. You see, when I start nose pray it's like a two week binge. It starts out slowly......only once ever 12 hours just like the label says. Then it's on to once every 6 hours....then every 3......all the while, I can smell nothin' and I can taste nothin', but I can breathe dammit......

This is the first time in my adult life that I will suffer through a stopped up nose. The first time I will NOT give in to the temptation of nose spray. I won't. No.

But then I look back and this and reconsider. Maybe, just maybe I can use it over the weekend then stop....sha.....right.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You Suck, and That's Sad

I've tried to not take it personal.....you know....this suckish attitude you've had lately.......but why shouldn't I? When it comes to everybody and everything......I'm the one on the back burner. I feel like I get all the left overs.....if there ever are any. I've tried to be ok, I've tried to hang in there, but I don't like sittin' in the back waitin' to be noticed. I'm an attention whore you know....and nobody puts Baby in the corner.....


I've really worked hard at being a happy, more positive person and you're just bringin' me down. Down, down, down.


You're distracted by too much negativity and quite frankly, my negativity pot cain't hold any more. It's time to get over it. Move along. You're life don't suck so stop fuckin' actin' like it does. I'm still here....on the back fuckin' burner, but I'm still here.


Maybe we can be friends again one day, but until you straighten yourself up, as the girls say to each other on the playground.....you ain't my friend no more.


I miss the old you.....

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hate Da Toe

How the hell have I NOT heard of this song before?!?!?! It's goin' on the ipod RIGHT NOW!




Speakin' of camel toes....check THIS shit out....


May I introduce to you the cuchini....it's a frickin' camel toe SHIELD y'all!!! Who the hell needs a camel toe shield? If your cookie's all eatin' your pants up, pull that shit out.....or maybe your busted up ass needs to buy some bigger damn pants!

I think I'ma get one to give as a gift at our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches party......so to all ya'll that're readin' this that'll be there (details later), forget I even said that......

Camel toes....it's the new black.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

10 Things I Hate A Lot

Rain. Dear rain god....enough already. The joke's up. We get the message, whatever the hell it may be. I understand we had a lot of catchin' up to do after years of the worst drought our state has seen and I know you're tired of Georgia and Florida fightin' over water rights.....Florida needs water for their clams, Georgia for their people and yes the fight got old, but SHIT.....ENOUGH ALREADY. My back, hands and sanity can't take it anymore. Basements are NOT meant to be lakes.

My eyelids. Every time I wear eyeliner, it transfers itself from just above my lash line to mid eyelid. Bastard eyelids bein' all droopy and shit. Scratch that....bastard eyeliner for suckin' ass and not stayin' where I put that shit.



Goin' to the bathroom and realizin' there's no toilet paper one nanosecond too late.


My husband's job. Dear husband's job, you are causin' way too much stress in Jeremy's life, therefore you are causin' way too much stress in my life. Get your shit together, before this bitch goes postal. (P.S. Although I am VERY grateful he has a job!).

Hard boogies in my nose. It's that time of year. Nose is all dry and crap and you get one of those hangers that are hard as rocks and just can't be blown out so you gotta dig deep and yank that shit out....along with 5 nose hairs. Then you cry. Lame.



People that fuck up and blame it on others. Look, you fucked up....don't make yourself look like a total asshat by tryin' to lay blame elsewhere. That just makes you a loser. Loser.



When people _______ ______ _______and_____ my_______'s _____. When ______totally _______. Yep,________. This is a secret hate. You'll nevvvver knoooowwwww.



Adjusting to less money. You have so much. You depend on it and're used to it. Part of it goes away. Not fun and totally stupid.

When you have some crazy centipede all crawlin' around your house and you get it with toilet paper, flush it and then every time you go to the bathroom for like the next three days you wonder if it's gonna find it's way out and crawl on your butt.


Change. Hate it. Period.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

13 Roses 13 Dollar Tattoos!

Y'all have been lookin' for it and here it is!

Yes, 13 Roses in Atlanta is gonna have another $13 tattoo (plus lucky $7 tip!) this upcoming Friday the 13th!


Turn one of the unluckiest days of the year into your lucky day! You got a $20 bill, you gotta tattoo......


Q & A

What does $20 get you?

A kick ass tattoo by a kick ass artist. On the 13th, the shop will put on the front door a sheet of paper that has the tattoos you can choose from. Don't expect a half sleeve dipshit. It's a $20 tattoo!!! See that 13 on my arm? That's what I got last time.....

....and this taco (mmmm tacos)....it's what I got another time..... and that shit's a coupon at Holy Taco in East Atlanta....yep....a coupon.




Does it just cost $13 for the tattoo?


No asshat.....it's $13 tattoos with a $7 tip......$20. You got more than 2o dolla....tip more.


Can I pick any tattoo I want?


No. Like I said before....they'll post a sheet of paper with what you can choose from on the front door the day of.

Can I call the shop the day before and find out what tattoos I can choose from?

Uh, no. they put that shit on the front door on the 13th.

Can I call the shop to set up an appointment?


No you can't. It's first come, first serve. You show up, put your name on the list and wait for your turn.


How long is the wait?


Well, if you're the first person there, you won't have one. I waited about an hour the first time and a couple hours the last time. You're not the only one wantin' a $13 tattoo.....you'll just have to wait your turn.


What the hell am I supposed to do while I wait?


Lucky for you, East Atlanta is FULL of bars. Go downstairs to the Flat Iron. Buy a drink or 10. If you're nice, someone might come down and call out your name when it's your turn...but then again maybe not. Go have a drink, and go back upstairs to check where they are on the list. Keep doin' it 'til it's your turn. Don't complain about the wait.....complainers suck.


Where is 13 Roses in Atlanta?


Do I look like Google? Look it up yourself.


Can I call and ask what tattoos are being offered?


Don't be a dipshit. I told you....they put that shit on the door.


What time can I get there?


The shop opens at 11.


What time do they stop?

Midnight.

...........Ok, that should answer all your questions. If not, tough.

Head down to East Atlanta this Friday and make a night out of it. We always do. Bitches gonna do East Atlanta again. WOOOO!!! AND it's my birthday weekend, so bring presents and look for the chubby girl with gnarly notted red hair. I love presents. I might even give you a hug....well probably not. Hugs are for hippies and I don't want the swine flu so expect me to be totally shitfaced....I'm a firm believer that if you have enough alcohol in your system, cooties can't penetrate your immune system.

WOOOO!!! $13 TATTOOS!!!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Rev Run - Your Words

Imagine if all your words for the past 24 hrs had been recorded and turned into a transcript. How would it read? Would there be more life than death? Would it include words filled with life that build others up? How much of it would contain grumbling, complaining or even name-calling? (REMEMBER) what comes out of your mouth reveals who you really are. Focus on speaking words of life and blessing! If you change your words, you'll change your life. -(Joyce Meyers)

This first time I read this, I thought of havin' my mouth washed out with soap. You ever have your mouth washed out with soap for sayin' somethin' you weren't supposed to? I totally did. I can't eat ginger at a sushi place because of it.....that shit tastes EXACTLY like Palmolive. (shudder)

I've really tried to adopted a sort of philosophy of gettin' back in return what you put out into the world. Be nice and people will be nice to you. Take positive steps in life and more positive things will come to you. No matter how much somethin' sucks, try to laugh about it. Laughin' makes all kindsa shit better. Everything has a way of workin' themselves out.....eventually....and if you keep your head up.

Life gives to the givers and takes from the takers.....be a giver. It's kinda like my own personal religion. I've heard somethin' of a book about a "Secret" that's along the same lines, but I ain't too fancy on readin' books that ain't about vampires or witches and wands. I also heard this weekend that there's some kinda church that preaches this sorta thing.....you get back from the universe what you put into it. They don't talk about gods or jesus or alibaba....just positive......stuff. Too bad I ain't too keen on goin' to church.

So, what did I learn from Rev Run's lesson today? Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world laughs with you.....be an asshole and you'll be treated like an asshole.
Some people I know could totally call bullshit on me here, but I try.....most days. I really, really try and dog gone it, it just plain feels good.....even though my left eyeball twitches when I'm tryin' sometimes......like when you're at the grocery store and the lady in front of you is arguin' over the price of a pound of ground beef and you just wanna grab the little separator thing and beat the ever livin' hell outta her......

I really, seriously do try...eye twitch and all......

Thursday, November 5, 2009

If You're On Facebook.....

Go vote for my girl!
She's in an online Halloween costume contest and we're tryin' to win some dernd applesauce!


You can vote once every 24 hours through November 7th. It's easy. Just click the link above, click allow, then thumbs up. That's it! No signin' up, no junk mail, nothin'!!! Just votin'!


WOOOOO!!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Time Flies Whether You're Havin' Fun or Not

Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like it took six months just to get from Halloween to Christmas? Now that I'm an adult, it seems like it takes half the time it should to get from one Christmas to the other.

Now, I just wanna get to the weekends. Every Monday it's the same thing....hurry up and get here weekend....and it usually does. Then when Sunday rolls around, I'm wishin' it was still Saturday. Time is escaping me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Time's just goin' way to fast. Does that mean I'm on the downhill slide of life?

Now that Halloween's over, Christmas is gonna be here before I can lick the salt off my lips from the pumpkin seeds. For the past several years I just want one more week before Christmas pounces on me. Just one more pay check. There's just never enough time or money. That's the way I see Christmas now. I hate it. When you're a kid, you just see the presents under the tree, the magic of the lights and decorations and Santa.....now I see the money it costs to put those presents under the tree and that's pretty much it.


I'm gonna try not to be that way this year. It's inevitable though. I'm gonna panic. I love Christmas. I LOVE the lights. I love the smells of all the Christmas candles. I love baking all kindsa shit that's just gonna pack on the lbs. I love it all, but still underneath it all, it just comes and goes too quick.


The store's start packin' in the Christmas trees and decorations before Halloween's even gotten here. You hear everyone say, "Can you believe they already have Christmas stuff in stores?" It seems to get here earlier and earlier and earlier. You'd think that would prolong the Christmas season....no, it just prolongs the panic.


I wanna slow down. I wanna have more time. I've heard it's even worse when you get older. Really? How can that possibly be? I swear, Christmas was just here like 6 months ago. It took me 30 years to get to 30 years, but I think it's just gonna take me 15 years to get to 65......life is just too dadgum short.


I need to take a deep breath. I've been livin' in the fast lane for too long and I think it's time to slow down and smell the roses....or whatever the hell else is bloomin' right now.

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