Skip to main content

My Butt's So Big, It's Been Bedazzled

I have admittedly gained back all the weight I lost from taking fat crack a couple years ago. It was nice bein' thinner and all, but damn, I love to eat and without fat crack, I do eat.......a lot. It's like my favorite past time. There's this restaurant down the street from us that has the BEST crabcake sandwich EVER (I love me some crabcakes! If I were ever to get my knuckles tattooed they'd say Crab Cake) and some very delicious calamari and I will put all of it right into my belly. I mean I might be about to barf half way through eating it all, but I know it won't be even half as good if I take it home and microwave it later. Plus, there's starving kids in Ethiopia so I can't let them just throw it away!

Bein' chubby definitely has it's upside. Like I've said before, I can do one helluva truffle shuffle. If I fall (which I tend to do every now and again), I have plenty of cushion to keep my bones safer. I'm very cuddly and soft like a marshmallow AND I would be much harder to kidnap. That's some pretty good advantages if you ask me!

HOWEVER, I have recently come across the very ugly downside of bein' chubby. EVERYTHING IS FREAKIN' BEDAZZLED or in the most hideous pattern you've ever freakin' seen. I mean seriously y'all, C'MON! As if most fat women aren't self conscience enough, you gotta go makin' clothes that say hey "Look at my fat ass....it's been BEDAZZLED" or "Hey, I totally have a front butt and you can't miss it because this awesome bold print shirt I'm sportin' draws your attention right to it!"

Luckily for me I'm not quite big enough to shop the women's section where you can find all these fanatic bold prints, but I'm close enough to where I've started lookin'. I did however recently buy myself a size 15 (oh god) jeans in the junior section at Target and the damned pockets have been freakin' bedazzled! I'm not kiddin'! BEFREAKIN'DAZZLED! I have no ass....none (as I mentioned before in my post about butt panties), and now you gotta go and bedazzle the pockets of my freakin' jeans so when the light hits that little studs just right it'll get all blingy and make everybody in the room look at my bedazzled flat ass. Thanks.

Comments

Stitchblade said…
HA! I love yer bedazzled ass!
Stitchblade said…
Check this out for more pics of Ms Retro Model: http://hellojobi.blogspot.com/

Popular posts from this blog

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

In the Car

Everyday this week, I've had to bring the kids to work with me. Since they're completely terrified of me (psht), they've kept their little kid selves in line. On the way to work this morning, the girl taught the boy how to hand crochet. He was pretty hesitant at first, because "boys don't do that kinda crap"....that's until she told him of her grand plan to make 'em and sell 'em to the people I work with. The second money was involved, he was all in. In less than 10 minutes, he was well on his way to making his first hand crocheted scarf. It's amazing what can get accomplished in the hour and a half it takes to get to work. By the time we arrived, the boy had completed his very first scarf. All I can seem to get accomplished is drinking coffee..... Mmmm.....Starbucks. I totally thought I was over it. I was wrong. So, how is the girl's grand plan goin' you might be wondering. Uh yeah.....she's made $32 so far. As for the boy,...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...