A Bad Case of Noassatall

You ever see those people that have no ass at all? I mean none. Nothing. It goes from back to ass without even the slightest difference. You know, those people that just got a back with a crack in it. Yeah, well I have.....everytime I turn around and look in a mirror. I have no ass. Even after gaining back the damn near 30 lbs I lost last year......still......no ass.

I'm gonna hunt me down a pair of them padded panties and buy me some. You ever see those panties that have padding in them? They're pretty flippin' sweet. An old friend of mine bought same and they did wonders for her back with a crack so I thought I'd go try some on and see if they'd work for me. My first expereince with them was no bueno.......

I happened to be at the mall with my daughter so her and I went into Fredericks. I got all kindsa awesome questions from my then 6 year old. They had this diamond thong and bra displayed in a glass case. She asked why they would make a bra and panties outta diamonds. She said, "don't you think that'd be uncomfortable?". She went on to ask where you would wear this bedazzled bra and panty set. Tired of all the questions, I told her women buy them and wear them around the house to clean.....that when the light hit them just right, all the sparkles made the house look cleaner. She said "you mean you would wear that while you clean? What would happen when you bend over to clean the tub?". Oh god help me.....where the hell are the padded panties??????

Finally after heading to the back of the store where they keep what I like to call all the "uglies", I found them. They had black and tan. They were HUGE (me being a pretty big girl anyhow....sheesh!) and looked like they would go up under your boobs. Oh well, I've seen somebody wearin' 'em before and they looked and felt real under jeans so I was determined. Especially since my husband is a big time ass man and I am totally ass challenged.

I grabbed a pair of the black one's (if that shit's gonna be half way up my back, I figured it'd look better in black) and went to try them on. I heaved and I hoed and bickety bam, the butt panties were on. Holy god, I was pantin' like a dog and my daughter was starin' at me in horror. She said "you wanna butt THAT bad mom?"......yes, yes I did.

I wasn't even gonna glance at myself in the mirror wearing the atrocious granny panties until I got my jeans back on. I put my jeans on and I turned around and to check out what I was sure to be my new amazing padunkadunk ass and uh yeah, I looked like a total freakin' dump truck. Not only did it accentuate the cheeks, but also the hips. Jesus. I need NO HELP in the hip department.

I was defeated. I took off the hideous butt panties and headed out. I told the black chick with an big 'ol awesome ass that helped me that there was no hope. As my daughter and I walked out of the store, she starts singin' "I like BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie"......

My hunt shall continue. I WILL have a butt.

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

In the Car

Everyday this week, I've had to bring the kids to work with me. Since they're completely terrified of me (psht), they've kept their little kid selves in line. On the way to work this morning, the girl taught the boy how to hand crochet. He was pretty hesitant at first, because "boys don't do that kinda crap"....that's until she told him of her grand plan to make 'em and sell 'em to the people I work with. The second money was involved, he was all in. In less than 10 minutes, he was well on his way to making his first hand crocheted scarf. It's amazing what can get accomplished in the hour and a half it takes to get to work. By the time we arrived, the boy had completed his very first scarf. All I can seem to get accomplished is drinking coffee..... Mmmm.....Starbucks. I totally thought I was over it. I was wrong. So, how is the girl's grand plan goin' you might be wondering. Uh yeah.....she's made $32 so far. As for the boy,...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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