A Bad Case of Noassatall

You ever see those people that have no ass at all? I mean none. Nothing. It goes from back to ass without even the slightest difference. You know, those people that just got a back with a crack in it. Yeah, well I have.....everytime I turn around and look in a mirror. I have no ass. Even after gaining back the damn near 30 lbs I lost last year......still......no ass.

I'm gonna hunt me down a pair of them padded panties and buy me some. You ever see those panties that have padding in them? They're pretty flippin' sweet. An old friend of mine bought same and they did wonders for her back with a crack so I thought I'd go try some on and see if they'd work for me. My first expereince with them was no bueno.......

I happened to be at the mall with my daughter so her and I went into Fredericks. I got all kindsa awesome questions from my then 6 year old. They had this diamond thong and bra displayed in a glass case. She asked why they would make a bra and panties outta diamonds. She said, "don't you think that'd be uncomfortable?". She went on to ask where you would wear this bedazzled bra and panty set. Tired of all the questions, I told her women buy them and wear them around the house to clean.....that when the light hit them just right, all the sparkles made the house look cleaner. She said "you mean you would wear that while you clean? What would happen when you bend over to clean the tub?". Oh god help me.....where the hell are the padded panties??????

Finally after heading to the back of the store where they keep what I like to call all the "uglies", I found them. They had black and tan. They were HUGE (me being a pretty big girl anyhow....sheesh!) and looked like they would go up under your boobs. Oh well, I've seen somebody wearin' 'em before and they looked and felt real under jeans so I was determined. Especially since my husband is a big time ass man and I am totally ass challenged.

I grabbed a pair of the black one's (if that shit's gonna be half way up my back, I figured it'd look better in black) and went to try them on. I heaved and I hoed and bickety bam, the butt panties were on. Holy god, I was pantin' like a dog and my daughter was starin' at me in horror. She said "you wanna butt THAT bad mom?"......yes, yes I did.

I wasn't even gonna glance at myself in the mirror wearing the atrocious granny panties until I got my jeans back on. I put my jeans on and I turned around and to check out what I was sure to be my new amazing padunkadunk ass and uh yeah, I looked like a total freakin' dump truck. Not only did it accentuate the cheeks, but also the hips. Jesus. I need NO HELP in the hip department.

I was defeated. I took off the hideous butt panties and headed out. I told the black chick with an big 'ol awesome ass that helped me that there was no hope. As my daughter and I walked out of the store, she starts singin' "I like BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie"......

My hunt shall continue. I WILL have a butt.

Rev Run's Words of Wisdom

Yes my friends, it's time for another installment of the ever so wise Rev Run's Words of Wisdom...... "Never come down off your chariot to fight those who are throwing tomatoes" This goes back to the old tried and true saying, "pick your battles". Why stoop to someone else's level when it's just not worth it? Why raise your blood pressure? Nobody looks good all bug eyed with veins poppin ' outta their head because they're so worked up over what really amounts to nothing. We've all done it, and it just makes us look like fools. You gotta learn to sit back and watch people say and do stupid things, even if it pertains to you. It's way funner (another totally awesome word). Who cares if someone's talkin ' crap about you? Let it roll of your back. Why involve yourself with other people's stupid? Chances are, they're an insignificant person who has nothing better to do and hates life. Chances are, they're miserable ...

The Pain in Grief

Everyone grieves differently. Some people tend to keep it together as much as humanly possible so they can take care of everyone else, then they break down when they're finally alone. Some people flip their shit and go over the deep end which tends to make a lot of people uncomfortable, because what do you say to a person that's flipped their shit? Some people hole themselves up and just want to be alone, while others need to surround themselves with as many friends/family as possible. Then there's the people that decided no one loved the person that passed more than they did and no one is entitled to hurt like they are. All those people do is inflict unnecessary pain on others in a time where people are already hurting so deeply. Losing someone close to you hurts. Bad.....and crazy things come of it usually. Some good, some not so good. It can cause the people closest involved to make rash decisions that are irresponsible and hurtful to everyone else involved. You ar...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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