I Just Realized My Pannies Are Crotchless

Ok, so they're not exactly panties....and they're not exactly crotchless.

They're Spanx and they're sent from the heavens. They smooth out all the rolls so you don't have four or five rolls, you just got one big roll. They're awesome. Ask any girl. Not just fat girls, any girl.

Anyhow.

I bought my new Spanx...that word makes me feel a little weird, I don't like it I've decided.....back to the point....

I bought my new fat holdin' in things and they stayed in my car for a while. I finally decided I'd wear them today since I wanted to wear a pair of pants that are skinny day pants (as skinny of a day as I can have anyhow).

I pulled and tugged and finally got those suckers on, but they just didn't feel right. It was a bit.....breazy down there. Eww, I know. I bent over for a better look and I'll be damned if my, um.....well, let's just say they seemed to be totally crotchless. I was all "What the fuck? I totally did not buy these at a porn store" and what woman wants to be prancin' around in freakin' crotchless Spankx anyhow? I don't think most women even admit to men that they even wear them, much less get it on with 'em on, but hey, maybe I was wrong?

Turns out, they weren't intended to be crotchless and with a bit of wiggling, they weren't. They're kinda like men's tighty whities in the front. Wow. UNCOMFORTABLE. It's like walkin' around all day with your mouth puckered, but it ain't your mouth....and at times, it's the worst camel toe feelin' you've ever had.

Check this chick out....she TOTALLY knows what I'm sayin'......

I'm not sure what the muscle arms are for though. That, is one body enhancer I don't need.

Is it worth all the torture....down there, just to smooth out a few rolls? TOTALLY.

Comments

Tara Lea said…

i have worn these EVERYDAY for the past 5 years! I love love love love them. You are gonna die... it is a habit so much now that revcently.... I wore them with my swimsuit!

January 8, 2009 at 3:13 PM

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

APB....Little Jimmy is Missing!!!

It's December 1st and Little Jimmy shoulda made his first appearance at the house this morning. Evidently, I hid Little Jimmy so good that last time last year that even I can't find him. This is no bueno. Little Jimmy is an Elf on the Shelf . We read the book, he shows up in a different spot every morning and watches and reports back to Santa every night. Seriously. The boy gets it. He knows. The elf ain't nothin' but a stuffed doll. The girl....she still believes. She was snoopin' around a week or so ago and found the book that Little Jimmy is SUPPOSED to be stuffed in after Christmas and said "Mom! Little Jimmy's not in his book! He's gone back to the North Pole to get all his instructions!" "Dammit. She STILL believes in Little Jimmy", I remember thinkin'. I mean really, you try comin' up with 30 different hidin' spots for a little elf that won't take your kids more than a few minutes to find every mornin...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

Search This Blog