The Dynamics of Flailing and Falling

It poured all weekend.

I slipped and almost busted my ass like 16 times going from the wet driveway to the smooth concrete floor of the garage.

I was speed walking through the Home Depot parking lot and slipped and almost busted my ass on one of the arrows painted on the road....then once I got inside I almost busted my ass on the smooth concrete floor.

Just picture it. All that almost busting my assness.....I go skidding and flailing like a retard ice skating for the first time.

It was inevitable that the "almost" would eventually happen.......

And it did.

The rain briefly let up so I decided I'd wash all the pollen and green shit off our front porch. I finished the floor and was moving on to the steps. I took one step and my foot came flying out from underneath me. Yeah. I didn't stop until my ass visited each and every step.....all the way to the bottom. I popped right up and probably started whistling just in case any of the neighbors saw, I figure I'd play it all cool and shit. That lasted for, oh about 15 seconds. My adrenaline had skyrocketed and I was PISSED. What exactly is one pissed at in these circumstances? I'll tell you what I was pissed off at....my stupid fucking flip flops.

All the retard flailing ridiculous body contorting of almost busting my ass to the finale of actually busting my ass......all my stupid flip flop's fault. My entire freakin' body hurts. Because I can't lift my right leg hardly, J has had to help me get my pants on and off. Oh, only if flip flops had feelings. I woulda beat the ever livin' shit outta them. Of course this would've been after I picked myself up off the freakin' ground.

It gets even better.....I finish washing the damn stairs. I'm exhausted and my entire body hurts. I couldn't have looked forward to anything more in my life after a day like the one I'd just had than a nice steaming hot shower. I was soaked and covered in gunk. PLUS we had gotten a brand new fancy detachable shower heads while we were at Home Depot. I got in the shower and just stood there letting the hot water hit me in the face......then then god damned shower head slipped out of it's little cradle thingy and hit me square in the fuckin' nose.

I stood there stunned for a second before I started yelling every possible obscenity at the top of my lungs. So much for a nice relaxing shower.

It's now Monday and I hurt so freakin' bad. My lower back, ass bone and hip all feel outta place making it very uncomfortable to sit in the same position for very long, my knee feels like it's gonna fall off at my next step, my ankle feels like it's cracked and my nose is bruised.

Stupid fuckin' flip flops.

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

APB....Little Jimmy is Missing!!!

It's December 1st and Little Jimmy shoulda made his first appearance at the house this morning. Evidently, I hid Little Jimmy so good that last time last year that even I can't find him. This is no bueno. Little Jimmy is an Elf on the Shelf . We read the book, he shows up in a different spot every morning and watches and reports back to Santa every night. Seriously. The boy gets it. He knows. The elf ain't nothin' but a stuffed doll. The girl....she still believes. She was snoopin' around a week or so ago and found the book that Little Jimmy is SUPPOSED to be stuffed in after Christmas and said "Mom! Little Jimmy's not in his book! He's gone back to the North Pole to get all his instructions!" "Dammit. She STILL believes in Little Jimmy", I remember thinkin'. I mean really, you try comin' up with 30 different hidin' spots for a little elf that won't take your kids more than a few minutes to find every mornin...

East Atlanta Strut 2010

I've been sewin' my fingers off tryin' to get ready for the East Atlanta Strut . It was the first show I had ever done and it was a BLAST! Bein' used to your standard kinda craft shows, you know the ones.....wood cut into silly stuff, marsh mellow guns, lace and potpourri, you can imagine my excitement when I was accepted to do the Strut, which ain't your mama's craft show. After three years, I've decided to give it a go again. I've really focused on my bears since that's what I really enjoy makin' and it's what everyone seemed to like best. You definitely won't find anything else like 'em out there! They're all sad lookin' and junk.....and people wanna hug 'em when they see 'em. I started sewin' these guys three years ago and after readin' an article in a magazine about a man that went to war, was burned badly while there and came home to his finance, married her and made babies with her despite all his s...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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