The Dynamics of Flailing and Falling

It poured all weekend.

I slipped and almost busted my ass like 16 times going from the wet driveway to the smooth concrete floor of the garage.

I was speed walking through the Home Depot parking lot and slipped and almost busted my ass on one of the arrows painted on the road....then once I got inside I almost busted my ass on the smooth concrete floor.

Just picture it. All that almost busting my assness.....I go skidding and flailing like a retard ice skating for the first time.

It was inevitable that the "almost" would eventually happen.......

And it did.

The rain briefly let up so I decided I'd wash all the pollen and green shit off our front porch. I finished the floor and was moving on to the steps. I took one step and my foot came flying out from underneath me. Yeah. I didn't stop until my ass visited each and every step.....all the way to the bottom. I popped right up and probably started whistling just in case any of the neighbors saw, I figure I'd play it all cool and shit. That lasted for, oh about 15 seconds. My adrenaline had skyrocketed and I was PISSED. What exactly is one pissed at in these circumstances? I'll tell you what I was pissed off at....my stupid fucking flip flops.

All the retard flailing ridiculous body contorting of almost busting my ass to the finale of actually busting my ass......all my stupid flip flop's fault. My entire freakin' body hurts. Because I can't lift my right leg hardly, J has had to help me get my pants on and off. Oh, only if flip flops had feelings. I woulda beat the ever livin' shit outta them. Of course this would've been after I picked myself up off the freakin' ground.

It gets even better.....I finish washing the damn stairs. I'm exhausted and my entire body hurts. I couldn't have looked forward to anything more in my life after a day like the one I'd just had than a nice steaming hot shower. I was soaked and covered in gunk. PLUS we had gotten a brand new fancy detachable shower heads while we were at Home Depot. I got in the shower and just stood there letting the hot water hit me in the face......then then god damned shower head slipped out of it's little cradle thingy and hit me square in the fuckin' nose.

I stood there stunned for a second before I started yelling every possible obscenity at the top of my lungs. So much for a nice relaxing shower.

It's now Monday and I hurt so freakin' bad. My lower back, ass bone and hip all feel outta place making it very uncomfortable to sit in the same position for very long, my knee feels like it's gonna fall off at my next step, my ankle feels like it's cracked and my nose is bruised.

Stupid fuckin' flip flops.

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

In the Car

Everyday this week, I've had to bring the kids to work with me. Since they're completely terrified of me (psht), they've kept their little kid selves in line. On the way to work this morning, the girl taught the boy how to hand crochet. He was pretty hesitant at first, because "boys don't do that kinda crap"....that's until she told him of her grand plan to make 'em and sell 'em to the people I work with. The second money was involved, he was all in. In less than 10 minutes, he was well on his way to making his first hand crocheted scarf. It's amazing what can get accomplished in the hour and a half it takes to get to work. By the time we arrived, the boy had completed his very first scarf. All I can seem to get accomplished is drinking coffee..... Mmmm.....Starbucks. I totally thought I was over it. I was wrong. So, how is the girl's grand plan goin' you might be wondering. Uh yeah.....she's made $32 so far. As for the boy,...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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