Me and My Treadmill

I have this really kick ass treadmill. It's all fancy and stuff. Like it has preprogrammed....uh....things in it that like go faster and slower and incline and decline. It's neat. I put a fan in front of me the other day just so I could pretend I was hiking up a super fantastic mountain and there was a nice breeze. Yeah, that's how awesome this thing is. You put a fan in front of you and let the machine do the rest. If you close your eyes you can just imagine being on a steep slope on a beautiful mountain. Well, actually maybe you shouldn't close your eyes.

I've had this super awesome treadmill for a while. It's just kinda sat downstairs in my sewing room.....doin' nothin' but sittin'. Everyday I walk through the garage and through the basement and my treadmill taunts me. It's all "hey fatty....what are ya?....A chubby little chiiickennn....bock, bock". I just turn up my nose and walk on up the stairs. Take THAT treadmill! I just walked up the stairs! If that ain't exercise, I don't know what the hell is!

Finally, one day last week, I gave in. Kinda like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future...."Nobody calls me chicken". So I tell the treadmill it better strap on it's treadmill pants, because I'm about to rock it's mother fuckin' treadmill socks off....that's right.....treadmill socks.

By the time I got ALL the way up the stairs to get on Nikes and booty walkin' shorts I'm all outta breath and shit.....god do I need to exercise. Turns out, I haven't worn my booty walkin' shorts in some time now and dang are them sonsabitches tight. Were they always this tight? I mean like, leaving a permanent indention all around my back and belly tight. Dang that shit hurt. That's aight.....I can take the pain.

I mosey on down the stairs and turn on the fan.....and then the tv. No brisk mountain hikes for me today thanks. I just have a walk with good ol' Monica Kaufman tellin' me about all the crime in DeKalb County and Glen Burns tellin' me that it's gonna be so hot tomorrow my face is gonna melt off.

I chose to go with an intermediate....uh....pre-programmed thing. It shows that I will walk for 20 minutes through a series of inclines and declines at various speeds at no more than 4.5 mph. Shit...like takin' candy from a baby. I do like 85 mph on the hwy. so 4.5 mph is gonna be cake.

Things start out all nice and slow....flat surface....2.0 mph. I can hardly imagine workin' up a sweat doin' things at this pace. A minute or so later there's a "beep, beep, beep" and I think "oh shit, what the hell was that?" Things speed up just a bit to 2.5 mph. Piece of cake. After another minute or so there's more beeps and the treadmill starts a slight incline. I can TOTALLY do this.

Things continue on at a nice pace and incline for a bit and then more beeping....we go up to 3.5 mph. Oh, hell yeah.....feel the burn baby, feel the burn.....Me and Monica doin' work! Then MORE beeps and more incline. I'm panting at this point. In my head I'm tellin' myself to not be a total sissy...keep truckin' it, you can do it! THEN...more fuckin' beepin'! Holy hell....4.0 mph! At this point I think I'm gonna freakin' die. This is no longer a stroll up a mountain. This is like real exercise which my body ain't cut out for! My nice walk has turned into a boobs and belly jarring jog.

I don't know what to do. I just start whimpering. I CANNOT let the treadmill beat me, then......MORE BEEPING...MORE INCLINE and now 4.5 mph!!!! I'm all sweatin' and cussin' tellin' the treadmill it can go fuck itself, because it ain't beatin' me, but I'm dyin'...can't....breathe. Then I saw the little speed buttons. There's an up arrow and a DOWN one too!!! Oh dear God...thank you for the down arrow! I push that little down arrow...down, down, down....down to 2.5 mph. I got a stitch in my side, but I can make it at this speed....I mean really. I must have, what....another 3 or 4 minutes?

I had 12 minutes left.

Oops! I Did It Again!

I wrecked my car.....again. Just a fender bender this time. I was in that awesome after work bumper to bumper traffic on the highway. I sneezed....and I sneezed again and again and then a snot rocket flew outta my nose. As I go to wipe the hangin' snot outta my nose....BAM. I hit a car. What really sucked was when I hit the car my snot covered hand slid up and smeared on the lense of my glasses. Awesome. Just fuckin' awesome and to top it all off, I got another ticket. I get home and I'm all pissy and shit. Jeremy says "Why you so pissy?" Uh, HELLO? I just wrecked my stupid fuckin' car! He says, "you're not used to that by now?" Admittedly, I've had a few problems with bumpin' into cars and other things here and there, but dang....it ain't like it's ever my fault. Psht. Like this one time, the girl was in the backseat and needed a kleenex. I turned around to gave one to her. I hit a car. It was dead stopped at a red light. ...

In the Car

Everyday this week, I've had to bring the kids to work with me. Since they're completely terrified of me (psht), they've kept their little kid selves in line. On the way to work this morning, the girl taught the boy how to hand crochet. He was pretty hesitant at first, because "boys don't do that kinda crap"....that's until she told him of her grand plan to make 'em and sell 'em to the people I work with. The second money was involved, he was all in. In less than 10 minutes, he was well on his way to making his first hand crocheted scarf. It's amazing what can get accomplished in the hour and a half it takes to get to work. By the time we arrived, the boy had completed his very first scarf. All I can seem to get accomplished is drinking coffee..... Mmmm.....Starbucks. I totally thought I was over it. I was wrong. So, how is the girl's grand plan goin' you might be wondering. Uh yeah.....she's made $32 so far. As for the boy,...

What an Asshole

Awesome. That's what I am. So awesome that I'm featured on Cooking for Asshole's blog and I didn't have to pay him one penny. Not that he's anything special, but at least he recognizes me for all of my awesomeness....even though he totally talks shit about me and says something about me being Japanese just because I couldn't my panties on right one day...psht....what an asshole. Despite the fact that he's an asshole, he writes one of my favorite blogs . He thinks we're all stupid and suck ass at cookin '. He will berate you and belittle you and cook a pork roast at the same time. Be aware though....he cooks a bunch vegetarian hippie shit......claiming his wife's a vegetarian....I think meat just gives him the shits so he doesn't make a lot of it. If you're one of them beer drinkers, this Asshole thinks he's some sorta beer connoisseur (I say he's just a drunk). He drinks all kinds weird shit. I mean really, why not just sit do...

'Cuz I Felt Like It!

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