'Cuz I Felt Like It!

Speakin' of Idiocy

2011-01-04T14:13:00.008-05:00

When I was 14, a friend told me they had taken the word gullible out of the dictionary. I asked "why?"..... she said "You're so gulllible"...I said "yeah, whatever...now why did they take the word out of the dictionary?" Again, she said "You're so gullible." ........"fine, I'm gullible...now why the hell'd they take the damn word outta the diction....."

Then it hit me. I got it. I'd never felt more like an idiot than I did at that very moment.

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty smart chick....maybe not in the book sense, but at least in COMMONsense. However.....I took things to a whole new level of idiocy that day....and I ain't proud to say it, but I FAR surpassed that today...and despite the fact that I haven't blogged in MONTHS, I felt the need to share just what a gullible idiot I can be.

.....and so it goes.....

Today on my lunch break I picked up a Creative Loafing. I'm just readin'away....doo doo doo doo doo doo (my readin' noise you see)..and I take pause when I read that Atlanta's broke ass transit system is gonna start transportin' livestock for extra cash.....somethin'about a new train line that'll go out to the country or some junk. Hmmmm...ok...weird....but whatever.

I'm kinda just a skimmer when it comes to readin' news stories so I flip the page and read that one of Atlanta's fanciest restaurants, Bacchinalia, is closin' and the owners have decided to open a chain of hot dog stands. What the fuck? Really???....that's fucked up.....

Interestin' stuff here....so I flip back again......to read some junk about Big Poppa's true identity finally bein' revealed. Whether we want to admit it or not, most all of us know who Kim Zolciack is....and to know Kim Zolciack is to have heard of Big Poppa......right? Well according to the latest Creative Loafing, Atlanta's very own Mayor Kasim Reed is Big Poppa. "Ain't no fuckin' way", I say outloud catchin' the attention of my co-worker Kansas. So I explain to her....even though she claims to have never heard of Kim OR Big Poppa (she totally lies).....I get fed up with playin' her "I don't know who that is" game so I went to someone in another department that I was sure knew who they were....

.....and that person said...."I thought Big Poppa was a white dude who owned that mall that had their power cut off...."

So I went to grab the paper and bring it back to show her......

When I got back to her she was on the phone with a customer.....

So I flip the page to see if there are any more detes about Atlanta's mayor bonin' the wig wearin', Google Me singin' Kim Z......and then somethin' else catches my eye.....

"Clermont Lounge Leaves Namesake for City Hall East"......

Now, I've heard all kindsa tales about the Clermont Hotel bein' foreclosed on and what would become of the fancy strip club that occupied its basement......and here was the latest.....

The Clermont Lounge had moved in August to the former City Hall East building in Atlanta and was now called Blondie's Geriatric Jiggle Joint.

My first thought....."The Clermont moved in August? Where the fuck was I? Then......"Geriatric Jiggle Joint? I wonder how the young girls that work there feel about that......maybe they ain't got any young girls anymore....." Then...."I can't imagine Blondie lettin' anybody call her geriatric......"

Then it hit me.....

I almost franticlly flipped back a page to re-read the title of the article. "2011 the Year in Review".

Wait a dadgum minute. It's only four frikkin' days into 2011. What the sam hell's goin ' on here?......annnnnd then the lightbulb clicks on.

So yeah....Atlanta's Mayor totally ain't Big Poppa....you'll find no pigs or chickens on Marta....the owners of Bacchanalia ain't openin' up a bunch of hot dog stands.....and you can still sit at the sticky ass duct taped bar in the basement of the Clermont and check out some 66 year old vag.

As for me.....I quit. I'm done. You hear me? Done.

Fluffidermy!

2010-09-28T21:04:00.006-04:00

I would say 90% of my friends are into buyin' taxidermy. The stuff that lined the walls of my family's homes is more popular than ever! The difference bein' that my family shot that junk themselves and proudly displayed their trophies and ate the rest....

Seein' as how the closest I get to huntin' is huntin' the best deals possible on groceries and I can barely afford toilet paper these days taxidermy ain't gonna find itself to the already awesome walls of my house anytime soon.

HOWEVER......

You know, I've been makin' my Battle Scrarred Bears again and in the midst of all the hubub over taxidermy, I decided to start puttin' their sweet little heads on plaques.....and voila!......my own dadgum taxidermy........FLUFFIDERMY!!!

I've seen lots of other crafty made....uhhhh....idermy, and even proudly display feltidermy by girlsavage on one of my walls. Fluffidermy is my spin on the awesome that is stuffed craft ...idermy!.....and dammit....even though I didn't kill nothin' I made it and it's hangin' on my wall!

East Atlanta Strut 2010

2010-09-07T19:04:00.005-04:00

I've been sewin' my fingers off tryin' to get ready for the East Atlanta Strut. It was the first show I had ever done and it was a BLAST! Bein' used to your standard kinda craft shows, you know the ones.....wood cut into silly stuff, marsh mellow guns, lace and potpourri, you can imagine my excitement when I was accepted to do the Strut, which ain't your mama's craft show.

After three years, I've decided to give it a go again. I've really focused on my bears since that's what I really enjoy makin' and it's what everyone seemed to like best. You definitely won't find anything else like 'em out there! They're all sad lookin' and junk.....and people wanna hug 'em when they see 'em.

I started sewin' these guys three years ago and after readin' an article in a magazine about a man that went to war, was burned badly while there and came home to his finance, married her and made babies with her despite all his scars, I was inspired to make the Battle Scarred. Most of 'em are missin' limbs and are just beggin' to be loved.

"We all have scars. Some are in the inside, some are on the outside, but no matter what, we all still need to be loved!"

This year, I'll have some of my aprons made outta vintage pillow cases.....

Some Christmas stockings.....

and rings made outta vintage buttons......

Life has definitely been crazy lately, so I hope to really do well at the show! Can't freakin' wait! See y'all the 18th!

June 28 - I Heart Faces Pet Entry

2010-06-29T22:21:00.002-04:00

I know, I know....it's be FOREVER since I last posted, but life has majorly gotten in the way. Lots and lots of ups and downs....well mostly downs, but who am I to complain?

....and I'm totally not about to be a Debbie Downer and start whinin'.....that'll come later...I promise.....I'm doin' this here post 'cuz I wanna have an awesome picture of our ol' Wheezy Lee and Vin to be posted on the I Heart Faces Blog. It's my first time and Lord knows I probably ain't gonna get it right the first 1,600 times I try, but I'm gonna give it a go anyhow.

Despite life totally suckin' these days, I do have a constant source of entertainment....when she's not being a total crappin' machine that is.....

I introduced Wheezy Lee to y'all a while back and she's been growin' like mad. To catch you up on everything you've missed, she hates swimmin' despite my best efforts....she refuses to be crate trained.....she thinks the couch is her personal bed and pushes the pillows all over the place.....I still say she's totally narcoleptic....and she likes to chew on the house and garden hoses, and toes. Yeah.

When we first brought her home we had some problems with Lil' Vin wantin' to eat her face off....

.....but now she towers over him so he's pretty much given up that fight. Bless his heart.....

FML

2010-05-12T21:44:00.004-04:00

This whole tryin' to be positive shit ain't workin' today.....or for the past few days as a matter of fact.

I'm tired. My mind hasn't absorbed so much learnin' since I was like.....I dunno.....youngish.

You know what learnin' overkill does to me? Shuts me down.....fucks me up. All this thinkin' straight at the new job ain't lettin' me think straight anywhere else. I get home and my brain turns to fondue. I'm so, so, so tired.

On top of this tired shit, my weekends are PACKED...and now I have no money for these packed weekends. Not only did I take a HUGE pay cut, but Jeremy's job just decided that his position is no longer needed....so.....they've put him back to what he did when he first started workin' there three years ago and MAJORLY cut his pay. MAJORLY.

When the fuck does this stop?

I've said over and over.....good things come to good people. What'd I do that ain't good?????

I even gave that chick standin' at the exit beggin for money a $20 bill because I felt bad for her because her shoes were shit. Yeah. TWENTY DOLLARS.

....and, and...this whole couponing shit......takes up way too much of my time and I'm not sure how well it's gonna work for me. Today I spent $71 and saved $54.01. What'd that $71 get me? Not a damned thing I woulda otherwise bought. Well except a $20 prescription, toilet paper. lettuce and some bread. Everything else is shit I wouldn't have even bought. So let's do the math.....spent $71.....only $31.25 was shit I needed....that mean I wasted $39.75. I mean I woulda bought some cereal which I got 4 boxes of, but I got a bunch of cereal already.........so with the amount of time I spend cuttin' coupons, matchin' up deals and makin' my list is it really worth it? I don't see it. I'll give it a couple more weeks though.

I need to start makin' bears again. I know I've said it like 100 times already, but I really do. What's holdin' me back???? First, my sewing room is still shit from after the 814 times that our basement flooded over the last 8 months. It's hard to get motivated when you don't even know where shit is. I need neat and clean to get motivated. Second....time. Between life in general, couponing and jam packed weekends, I got none. Third......the whole havin' a brain made outta fondue, I'm lucky I remember to wear a bra to work.

I need a break. From reality.

Miss Mamie's Cupcakes

2010-05-06T20:00:00.000-04:00

These......

Came from Miss Mamie's Cupcakes on the Marietta Square....

and so did these......and they're totally gonna add another month to my already pregnant lookin' belly.....

Behold the beauty.....

I had NO idea this place was just right up the road from me. I, like everybody else worship cupcakes and when Chewy told me about it at like 9 on a Friday night, I grabbed my keys and was out the door. Ok, so I wasn't but if I thought for half a second they were open, I woulda went.....footy pajamas and all.....

We made plans to go the next day when Chewy was finished workin' and I know I had sent her a text before the sun even came up askin' her what the hell was takin' so danged long........

When we got there I was overwhelmed.....how could I only choose one?!?!

I ended up gettin' rocky road and reese's.....Chewy got margarita and strawberry......and the girl got lemon and devil's food.

I don't get the whole fruit and cupcakes thing.....and after the girl licked half the icing off her lemon cupcake, she decided she wasn't into fruit and cupcakes either so.....I ate it for her. Turns out fruit and cupcakes ain't half bad. As a matter of fact, it's pretty amazing and my second favorite.....

Chewy also went for the fruit and cupcake combo.....strawberry.......she said it was "the bomb".....

Before I dug into mine, I had to have a moment of silence for the cupcake gods.....I started oh so slowly peeling back the wrapper, mouth waterin'......Good gawd.....food porn.....

After one bite, I shoveled the rest in.......all at once.......

Gone......in my bell-eh.......

When it was all said and done, I ended up eatin' 3 outta the 6 cupcakes. The girl forgot she had another one to eat and when I saw it the next mornin' I had it for breakfast.....

You know what the best part is?....I can walk to Mamie's from my new job.....and I will.....and god knows I'll need the exercise with all the cupcakes I plan on consumin'......

I predict in the near future, the followin' cupcakes will meet their fate in my belly.....Boston Creme, Chocolate Mint, Chocolate Peanut Butter, Coca-Cola, Guinness, Honey Oatmeal, Gingerbread, Pistachio, Pumpkin, Red Velvet, Sweet Potato and Toffee.....and of course like 600 more of the Lemon and Reese's Peanut Butter cupcake.....

If I go missin', there's a good chance you can find me passed out in a cupcake coma on the floor of Miss Mamie's.....chocolate icing smeared on my face......

I totally give Miss Mamie a short and stumpy thumbs up.......

Where I'm At

2010-05-05T20:22:00.010-04:00

I have no internet access at work and it's killin' me. It's nuts how hooked on that shit I am! I'm used to havin' Facebook open all day.....chattin' with friends, lookin' at all the stupid shit posted.....no mas. One day, I'm gonna go missin' and my new co-workers are gonna find me huddled in a corner rockin' back and forth droolin' on myself mumblin' somethin' about Facebook destroyin' my life. I hope they just put me outta my misery right then and there.......

Unfortunately, my blog's gonna take the biggest hit. I've always blogged from from work. It was nice and quiet and I could THINK which is somethin' that's dang near impossible to do at home. This whole havin' a husband and kids thing doesn't really afford me the time or the quiet I need to write.

Today though I decided I don't really care about all those hours of Facebook updates. They were amusing at work, but once I'm at home, ehhh....whatever....but I've gotta figure out somethin' with my blog. I LOVE writing......so yeah. I'll figer it out.

On a completely different note, I did the whole couponing thing for the first time this week.

I was totally THAT person at the check out handin' over a wad of coupons. I got $145 worth of groceries for $76! Pretty fuckin' amazin' if you ask me. I was a total ratard about all of it (and still kinda am). I couldn't figure out how the hell to do it.....this whole coupining thing......so I had to be shown.....and that whole bein' shown thing.....well....that's leadin' to yet another change and.....

Change is good right? Right?

What the Hell Were You Lookin' For???

2010-05-01T13:30:00.000-04:00

I have a statcounter on my blog that shows me all kindsa awesomeness. I loved seein' where people are from that look at my blog....how they came to it......how long they spent readin' my nonsense......I used to look at it everyday, but I eventually got to where I just don't check it as often and now, I hardly ever check at all. Another thing that has fallen to the wayside, because I've got other shit to do.....

I do LOVE the statcounter's "recent keyword activity". It can be pretty danged amusin'. It shows you what words were searched for that brought a person to your blog. I've been compiling a list of my favorites for a while.....it's pretty crazy the shit people search for. Even more crazy is the fact that some of the crazy shit people've searched for brings them to my harmless blog. I've google the words and linked to the posts the searches lead to...

how to hit a retard - What? He grabbed my vagina!

six blak gay weht aneml - Um....ewww.

shredded tongue - Surprise your friends....cook this and just tell 'em it's roast. They'll LOVE it and after they tell you how awesome it is, tell 'em what it really is.

girl squirting blogspot - yeah...not sure. I googled it and got tired of wadin' through all the squirtin' girls.

I need small slut shoes - I do love me some slut shoes. Too bad I'm all fat and my feet are all small so I walk around like a weeble wobble....and then I do fall down.

how do you get the tires off a 62 comet - Ummm.....a jack and a tire iron perhaps?

where u bitches going tonight - Us bitches do like goin' out....

I pretend I'm hiking on the treadmill - I still whimper and cry a little when I think of this. I.....am scarred.

do little boys butts stink - What the fuck? Why would someone google this?!?!? Bet they were disappointed when the got to my blog and read about plastic charms, Galaxy High and Multiples.

Am I gay if I like tighty whities? If you are under the age of 55, yes, yes you are.

Where can I buy a beer bike? I dunno, but when you find out, you gotta tell me, cuz I bet I can figer out how to make a whiskey bike.....

I've never really felt it before...but I think I like it... - I didn't feel nothin', but it was nice that somebody finally listened and took their pannies off.

I'm eight months pregnant and haven't exercised - I'm about 8 1/2 months now and have been for like 4 months.

Death is like a garbage - Ever been doused in trash can juice? I have.

Shit in panties - I did not.

Got My Free Moo Cards!

2010-04-29T20:42:00.001-04:00

.....and they ain't mini sized anymore!

I love 'em!!!

I Wish I was Better At It

2010-04-29T09:47:00.007-04:00

Having meaningless chit chat with strangers. Like when you're stuck on an elevator and someone says something about the weather.....c'mon....I'd rather not have to talk to you.....and your cologne smells like ass....but I'd really like to have meaningless chitchat and not even think of it as "meaningless"....just think of it as a part of life.....right now though, it just irritates me.

Givin' a shit. When one of the kids or myself or Jeremy is sick or there's something crazy happenin' in our lives, co-workers and friends alike will ask how things are....I don't really ever ask. Is it because I don't wanna know? I don't care? I don't know. I can make myself ask the question, but I can't make myself even hear their answer. I'm not sayin' I'm like that with EVERYONE 100% of the time (I'm not totally cold, there are actually people I care about), but I'm like that with most everyone. I really hate that about myself.

Not biting my nails. I have short, fat, stubby boy hands with gnawed fingernails. That shit's gross.

Maintaining yard work. It seems like such a futile effort. Weeds are gonna grow in the flower beds faster than I can pull them and grass just doesn't wanna grow in the yard....and I don't wanna waste money on trying to make it grow either.

Keepin' my house clean. Some time ago, chances are if you called me, I was cleanin' somethin'. I cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Then I got a life and it slowed down....then I slowed down some more....then I pretty much quit.....ok so I didn't, but I don't do it like I should.

Caring.

Being spontaneous. I like to always have a plan and always stick to that plan. I like to be on time everywhere I go and when I'm even a few minutes behind, I panic. The way I see it, spontaneity doesn't really work when you have kids and dogs that have to be taken care of, but other people who have one or the other or even both seem to be successful and just gettin' up and doin' somethin' without a plan. Why can't I?

Forgetting. I can forgive all day long, it's the forgettin' part I seem to have trouble with. I think if you forget certain things, you can find yourself at a fork in the road and you can accidentally take a road you've already been down before that you probably shouldn't go down again, but who knows......with the pace at which our world is changin', that path could be totally different......but I don't wanna find out the hard way that it's not.

Remembering. There are so many things I have done, said, seen or been a part of that I just can't remember. I can't remember pretty big milestones in both the kid's lives. Someone will say, "oh shit...remember when you blah, blah blah....that was funny as hell".....nope....don't remember, but it sounds like something I would do.

Pronunciation. I just can't say "going"....I gotta say "gonna". Even in an interview....I'm all white trash and sayin' shit like, "They're gonna let me continue to work until I find a new job". Gonna. Yep. How I type is pretty much how I talk. Sayin' going sounds retarded to me. It just ain't natural. I wish I could get over that so I didn't sound so white trash when I don't need to.

Stayin' focused. Prime example. I wrote "stayin' focused" like 10 minutes ago. Then I picked my nose, looked to see what kinda treasure I had and saw I had black sharpie all over my hands. So I went to the bathroom to wash the black off and decided I should braid my hair....and then I thought, I bet that big ass bobble head helmet I have would look better with braids instead of my fro pokin' out.....so I went and grabbed the helmet.....and then I saw the computer sittin' there and remembered I was writing here. See? I'm like a squirrel chasin' after shiny shit.

Saving money. I can't do it. I wanna do it, but then I think when I die, I can't take it with me......so I'll spend it now. I know I need to save....I just can't do it. Credit cards are satan....if I could just save for a few months, I could buy that part I need for my car without using a credit card.

Ending the things I write more smoothly. You see....when I'm done....I'm done.....and that ain't very good for someone who fancies herself a decent writer. There should be some sort of transition ya know?

The End.

Beans Don't Fry In the Kitchen....

2010-04-28T08:15:00.000-04:00

Beans don't burn on the griiillll......

Yeah, that totally has nothin' to do with this post, but I woke up at like 6 o'clock Saturday mornin' (which is when I initially started writin' this, but my internet kept shittin' out on me!) and had that Sinead O'Connor song "Nothing Compares to You" stuck in my head. I laid in bed until just before 7 singin' the same shit over and over and over....

It's been seeevvven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away
I go out ever-ry night and sleep all daaa-ay Since you took your love away
Since you've been gone I can do whatever I waa-aaa-aaant
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaaa-aaa-aaaaurant, but nothin'....I said nothin' can take away these bluuuuuuuuuues
'Cuz nothin' compares Nothin' compares to yeeeeewwwwww.

That song was me and my first boyfriend's "song" and it's one of my all time favorite songs, but I didn't particularly wanna be singin' that song all day.....so I started singin' Beans don't fry in the kitchen, burns don't burn on the grilllll...took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hillllll......

.....and then I got outta bed and ate another pancake and bacon cupcake.

Two words.....HEA-VEN. More than you can possibly imagine. I've promised the recipe so here it is.....

You'll need to make sure you have the followin' stuff and if you ain't got it, you gotta get it:

Cupcake tin (this recipe makes 24 cupcakes)
Cupcake Liners

1 pack of bacon

Cupcakes:
Box of Duncan Hines Moist Deluxe Butter Recipe Yellow cake mix....which requires:
3 Eggs
1/2 c. softened butter
2/3 c. water

For Frosting:
2 Tblsp. softened butter
2 Tblsp. maple syrup (like Ain'tcha Mama....you don't need anything fancy)
1 1/2 c. powdered sugar

1. Lay out butter so it can come up to room temperature
2. Preheat oven according to box (depends on what kinda pan you use)
3. Put liners in cupcake tin
4. Cook bacon and once cooled, cut up into pieces
5. Mix cake according to the box and stir in 3/4 of the bacon
6. Bake according to box

While cupcakes are baking, make frosting:

1. In a medium sized bowl, beat butter (has to be room temp!) and maple sugar with mixer until well blended
2. Gradually add in the powdered sugar

It doesn't look like it makes much, but it's the PERFECT amount for 24 cupcakes!

Once cupcakes have finished baking, pull them out and let them cool COMPLETELY on a cooling rack prior to frosting.

Once they've TOTALLY cooled, frost them bad boys and top with bacon sprinkles....yes....I said bacon sprinkles!

Now, go do it and try not to eat at least a half dozen of 'em at once!

...and just so's ya know, you go to to Publix and buy their cupcake holders for like .50 a piece. Other store may do it to, but I know Publix does.

In the Meantime......

2010-04-26T20:50:00.012-04:00

I made these Friday night.....

and these.....

......Pancake and bacon cupcakes......with maple frosting. Oh. My. Gah. HEA-VEN. They were a pretty big hit for anybody that was brave enough to try 'em. Addictive actually. Lots and lots of people asked me for the recipe. I spent way to much time writin' it all out to post here and my internet took a shit TWICE....and didn't save it......so I have to write it a third danged time. I'll get around to it this week....swear.

So, in the meantime.....this is what's been happenin' in our lives.....

This little lady was one of two Italian Greyhounds that stayed at our house when me and a couple of my girlfriends had a slumber party.

These dogs are the sweetest, preciousest dogs like ever. I never knew such sugary sweetness existed in dogs.....

.....especially compared to this devil who is only sugary sweet when she's sacked the fuck out........

This.....

......is what Jeremy did to our one of our cats. He's so fat he can't even jump up on our bed. He has to jump half way up and claw his way up the rest of the way. His spit smells like ass too. Like if you start pettin' him, he drools and if you get it on your hand, it smells so bad you puke when you smell it hours later.

I bought myself.....uh hmmmm......the girl....this over the weekend.....

These are some other treasures I got this weekend......

I love treasures. It was a fun day. Yep....

Until this happened......

See that ginormous lump on my forehead? It's a mosquito bite. It was huge and rubbery feelin'....everybody pointed and laughed....I kept my hand on my forehead for like 42 minutes so nobody would stare.....it didn't work......

Oh! I forgot....I got a job! YESSSSSSSS!!! Closer to home......all kindsa awesome benefits.....it's the kinda job you stay with FOREVER and retire from.....and I'll be makin' WAY less money. Hey....it's a job. I'm lucky to have gotten one.....thank you sweet baby jesus. Amen.

Puberty.....Do What Now?

2010-04-21T11:25:00.013-04:00

I don't even know where to begin here.

Should I start with the part about the lump?

Should I start with the word congratulations?

Should I start with the part about gay sex?

Sweet Jesus help me.

Again.........

I remember when I was in 4th grade I took a gymnastics class offered by my school. I loved the thought of all the twistin' and turnin' and flippin'.....and Mary Lou Retton made it all look so effortless. Turns out though, the closest to Mary Lou Retton I'd ever be was the black, purple, blue and white leotard I wore that had her name on the tag.

I can see that leotard as clear as if I still had it today......and with my memory, that's a pretty big accomplishment. I remember it because I dreaded havin' to put that damn thing on. DREADED IT. All the color was on the upper half and the bottom half was white. I can remember thinkin'.....I hope nobody can see my hairs pokin' outta this thing.

You know....those hairs that're....... down yonder. I was MORTIFIED by those hairs. It's all I'd think about when I was wearin' my leotard. Now I know that nobody coulda seen a thing, but I knew they were there and I was very uncomfortable and unsure about that and all that came with goin' through puberty.

I mean, who knows.....I coulda been the next Mary Lou Retton if I'd not been so worried about people seein' THOSE hairs.......

Ok. So.........

The girl came home from school the other day with a lump in one of her breasts (can you even call them that at this point?) . She said somebody had elbowed her when they were playin' and that's when she noticed it. It was tender and it was definitely a lump.

I called her doctor and had to leave a message. A few hours later, my phone rings, I answer it, and the doctor says, "Congratulations you have a girl that's starting puberty."

I'm sorry.....do what now??? No.

That's all.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

No, wait that's not all. I just needed a moment.

After I came to grips with it all and figured that even if I stuffed her in a closet and slid a tray of food under the door a couple times a day, I couldn't stop this. I've been preppin' her for this already, because I don't want her to ever feel self conscience like I did.

I'm just.....not ready for a girl goin' through puberty. With the boy, it didn't phase me so much (well except maybe that time I walked in the bathroom and saw that he had sprouted a garden down yonder.....I hadn't expected THAT.....I'm sorry, I still can't talk about it).

When I got off the phone with the doctor, I called the girl into the kitchen and told her she didn't have breast cancer (the first thing outta her mouth when she told me, but she said she knew she was too young for that), she was just startin' puberty. She says "yeah that's what I figured...so I'm gonna start growin' boobs now right?"

No.

Dammit.

So then I say "well, at least I've already gotten the "talk" outta the way."

She says, "the talk?"

....."yeah, THE talk....you know".....and then she gets it.

Then she says......"about that"......

......."I've been meanin' to ask you".........

......."You know gay people? Do they do it too?"

Sweet Jesus.

I always, always, ALWAYS want her to feel comfortable askin' me anything and everything.....and to accomplish that, I feel like I need to never show the "holy fuck, I think I'm about to puke" feelings that these kinda questions evoke in me.

I close my eyes.

Take a deep breath......

....and turn to look at her.

She's just standin' there lookin' at me all, "well, you gonna answer me?"

I turn back to cleanin' out the microwave and say, "yes honey.......all adults who are in a committed relationship and love each other VERY, VERY, VERY much can have sex."

She says....."even gay people??? How?"

Ugh......

Flashes of destroying a young innocent mind flash through my head.

I ain't about to paint THAT picture for her.

I settle on sayin' "just like everybody else.....they figure it out.....not stop askin' me questions....you got a sore throat don't you......go sit down and be quiet for a while."

Dammit.

I'm so glad the boy keeps to himself with these sorta things. Even though I try to get stuff out of him, and tell him all the same things about how I want him to feel comfortable about askin' me ANYTHING, he never asks THOSE kinda questions. The worst I got from him was, "Mom, how old were you when you first had sex?"

That threw me for a loop, but I feel more comfortable answering his questions than I am the girl's.......it's the whole double standard thing between raisin' boys and girls.

The boy, as soon as I think he's thinkin' about doin' it (ok, I know he's already thinkin' about it....how about thinkin' about actin' on the thought), I'm gonna hand him a box a rubbers and tell him all the nasty shit that can happen to him if he doesn't wear one.

The girl on the other hand.....dammit.......

I can't even think about it.

I refuse.

50 Free Moo Mini Cards!

2010-04-20T17:38:00.010-04:00

Moo Mini Cards are my favorite business cards ever! They're these little mini business cards that you can put your own photo or image on (up to 100 different images per order!).... and you can even put an image on the back with all your contact info too. They're not the best priced business cards out there ($19.99 for a box of 100), but they're ridiculously cute and people definitely take notice of them when you hand them one......and right now, you can get 50 free cards!

I've totally slacked on makin' things lately, but with all the time off I'm probably about to have, I figured it'd be a good time to start makin' my bears again. I may even do a show or two over the Summer....who knows what the future holds. Either way, I need new business cards and there's not a better time to get some then when I can get 50 free!

Here's the set I had made a few years ago......people LOVED them.....(I even had a batch printed up that had a little bit of the back story for my Battle Scarred Bears and used them as tags for the one's that were at the Spruill Gallery).

Because they're free, there will be a Moo Cards promotion bar on the side of the cards...... No big deal...they're FREE!....and trust me, when you hand out these cards, people'll ask questions because they're so unique and with the promotion bar, all the info they need is right there on the card....even with a discount code for first time users.

When you get your 50 free, you'll have to pay for shipping......$6 I think. There's also and option to put a certain amount of money towards your next purchase of Moo Cards (up to $10) and they'll match that amount! I chose to put $10 towards my next purchase so I have a $20 credit waiting for me when I decide to reorder! SUH-WEET!

I'm not sure when this offer ends, so you better get on it if you're interested!!!

She Shows Her Face

2010-04-16T06:35:00.002-04:00

In 1994, I followed a boy to Alaska. I came back with Freya.

She's been through a lot in her 16 years. She's been on a 13 hour plane ride which forever changed her personality, lived in at least 6 different places, and survived two kids that went through the terrible two's for like 3 years.

A few years ago she decided to crawl under our bed and never come out. Up until recently, the only way to get her out was to wait until you could see her tail pokin' out from under the bed and give it a good yank. That sure as shit pissed her off, but damn....if I don't cut her nails once a month, they'll grow into her little toes!

Once I'd finally drag her out, I'd have to hold her so tight I'd dang near squeeze her guts out her butt and she'd just eyeball me with her huge ass eyes like she was shootin' laser beams through me. The very second I'd finish, back under the bed she'd go.

For the past several months though she's been comin' out a lot hangin' out on our bed instead of under it. She still never leaves our room, but it's nice to see some sun shinin' on her pretty little face.

I say she's gonna out live us all.......

Music for Yer Soul....My Soul....Whatever

2010-04-15T07:15:00.003-04:00

My new musical obsessions.....at the moment......

(You'll want to pause my music player in the sidebar if you wanna watch any of these!)

Even though the first time I heard this song, it was only a little snippet (gawd I hate that word), it grabbed me and didn't let go. It took me about 20 minutes of listenin' to that little part over and over and googling different lyrics from it until I finally found it.

Chuck Ragan......Between the Lines.

This song makes me wanna drive fast, smoke cigarettes, drink whiskey and shake my ass....all at the same time.

Every Time I Die....We'rewolf

By now you all know I have a weakness for the ridiculous. Especially when it comes to booty shakin' music. Can't remember how I came across this, but it was on the computer. I watched the video like 18 times.....then I decided that I wanted to do the chair dancin' part with my friend Chewy......and we'd wear leotards. One day. I swear.

Beyonce f/Lady Gaga......Video Phone

Yet another song that makes me wanna drive fast, smoke cigarettes, drink whiskey and shake my ass....and maybe even take my pannies off.....all at the same time.

The video's pretty funny, but the song on it's own doesn't have all the cartoon shit in it.

Peter Pan Speedrock.......Resurrection

Last, but not least.

This here song takes my back to bein' a teenager when I was nothin' but right all the time and I didn't give a shit what anybody else had to say about anything.

Wait....that's me now....anyhow.....

This song has became my favorite thing to say whenever I'm questioned about anything.

Smut Peddlers......Fuck You, That's Why

Dear Facebook Quizzes, You Can't Always Be Right

2010-04-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

According to Facebook, I am 100% Latina, I could survive a zombie takeover for 3.5 years, if I were to go to jail it would be because I "just had to shoot that guy", my ghetto nickname is June Bug and the sandwich that best represents me is a pulled pork sammich.

I'd say all that's pretty dead on wouldn't you?

Man I love Facebook. I ain't ashamed to admit it.

(Click the picture to find out how addicted to Facebook you are.)

...and the quizzes are just a small part of that love. I mean shit....who doesn't wanna know what dead rockstar they most resemble or what kinda kiss (not kisser...just kiss) they are?!?! Psht...I totally do.

The most recent quiz I took was called "What's your biggest weakness?" This was the result......

Your heart. You are often loved because of your outgoing and fun personality, and you like to give hugs and flirt, but underneath it all you are lacking heart. You find it hard to love others through all the walls you've built around your heart from being hurt so much throughout life, but you want to love, you desperately want that fun, that you see in others, but you don't know if you can have it in your current circumstances. You want stability, but at the same time you need change. You go from one extreme to another and often feel overwhelmed when you can't figure out something. You think about your life often and how you can improve your character. The walls need to crumble for you to truly be YOU.

Ok, so.....I would like to have a word with the Facebook quizzerer people and just say.....YOU DON'T KNOW ME! I may be 100% Latina and I may be the doggy style position, but you got that shit all wrong. Just sayin'......guess you can't be right all the time. I'll let this one slide Facebook, but don't let it happen again.

Cigarette Box Flash Diffuser

2010-04-12T21:25:00.006-04:00

A few months back I took a photography class taught by Jenn at BlondeShot Creative. In the class I had told her how much I hated usin' a flash. It washes out people and just doesn't capture the moment the way you see it.....even through the lens of the camera.

Jenn suggested a homemade remedy to diffuse the brightness of the flash by using a film canister. I came home and dug through all my junk lookin' for a film canister, but haven't bought film in like 8 kabillion years. After comin' up empty handed, I sat on the couch and pouted for a while then I just completely forgot about it.

Today, Jenn sent me an email with a link showin' how to make a flash diffuser usin' a box of cigarettes. I knew I had one of those!.....or Jeremy did anyways. I couldn't wait to get home and try it. I had to wait for Jeremy to get home and as soon as he walked in I asked if he could empty his pack of cigarettes.

This is what you'll need........

Your digital SLR with pop up flash, a pack of smokes (emptied with foil still in it) and a knife.

After carefully pulling out the foil, makin' sure not to rip it, cut one edge of the bottom of the box.

Here's what it should look like after you've cut it.....

Turn the foil inside out so that when you put it back in, the foil's facin' in........

Push it all the way back in......

Once you have popped up your flash, put the box on like this......

I messed around with it quite a bit while takin' pictures and actually ended up turnin' the box around so the top was opening up the other way like in the link Jenn had sent me.

Here's my first shot....without the diffuser. (You're diggin' my awesome red makeup free skin ain't ya?). I'm all shiny and icky.......

This one is with the diffuser......much prettier and softer........

Without diffuser.........

With diffuser.......

Without diffuser......

With diffuser.......

I really had a lot of fun takin' these pictures and as you can see it really worked! I definitely wanna try the film canister diffuser now. I think it may stay on better. I had some trouble keepin' the cigarette box on at times and don't think it would be too practical if I were takin' say some inside party pictures. If you're just doin' some still shots around the house this method will work just fine!

Thanks Jenn!!!

Strange How Things Work Out Sometimes

2010-04-12T11:16:00.010-04:00

Over the weekend the kids went to Tennessee with their Grandparents. When I met them to pick the kids up, my Mom said the kids had a blast! They even got to go swimmin'.....by the nuclear power plant! Hmmm......okay (said in my best valley girl voice).

She said the green foamy stuff floatin' on the water's edge wasn't a problem at all. She said she knew for a fact it wasn't the kinda waste that could possibly be affecting the water surrounding the plant.....you know....the kinda waste that includes materials used in the nuclear fission process like, oh, I dunno.....spent uranium rods, which contain the highest level of toxins and radiation?!?!

Ok, I'm totally makin' all that shit up. My mom said it was all ok and I trust her judgment. She said they were at a place that had a sandy area by the water where people were fishing and there were a few picnic tables, too. She did tell me though that when she saw the sign that said "Toxic Water....Do Not Be Alarmed By Fish With Three Eyes", she figured any toxins that were in the water would just affect the fish since the sign said nothin' about humans havin' three eyes.

Ok, so I'm makin' up that part, too.

After my mom first told me where they went swimmin', I did say somethin' like "Oh GREAT! Now the kids are gonna start growin' a third eye Mom....way to go!".....and the girl looks at me and says, "whadda you mean?" So I told her that nuclear power plants released all sorts of toxic stuff into the water that makes people who swim in it grow third eyes on their foreheads. She stood there all squinty eyed lookin' at me like I was full of shit.....then she kinda rubbed her forehead and got in the car.

Fast forward to this mornin'.

I'm dead asleep when the girl comes in to wake me up and she's soundin' a little panicked. She says, "Mom. Wake up! Mooooommmm." I roll over, look at my alarm clock and tell her somebody better be dead...I got 7 minutes before I gotta get up. She starts cryin'. Oh sweet baby jesus. I half expected things to not go so smoothly this mornin' since it was the first day back to school after Spring Break....but cryin'?.....really?

I sit up and say, "what is it?" Through her tears and snot bubbles she says, "I-I-I have a bump on my head and it really, really hurts! I can't even stand to touch it it hurts so bad!" I reach over and feel the bump and say "it's just a zit honey".....more tears.....and "but it hurts SOOOOOO bad! So, So, So Bad!" So I put on my glasses and have a look. Sure 'nuff......it's a zit.....a big ol' whitehead....her very first one.....on her forehead.......the day after I told her she was probably gonna grow a third eye because her Grandparents let her swim in the water by the nuclear power plant.

Hmmm......is there a lesson to be learned here? If so, I ain't figured it out yet.

A Week In Photos

2010-04-08T18:01:00.018-04:00

I saw this ice cream truck the other day.

First thing I thought was......damn they sure are far from home, maybe they're goin' to an ice cream convention......I should totally follow 'em and see. Second thing I thought was.......there ain't no ice cream trucks that look like that 'round these parts. Here in the South you almost feel like you're riskin' your own life to approach the ice cream man's truck. I seriously did wanna follow them to see where they were goin', but what if they were just headed back to California? I mean what a colossal waste of time that woulda been. Ultimately, it was the white milky substance dumpin' out the back of it and hittin' my windshield that made me just go ahead and turn where I was supposed to. I was totally outta whipperwhiper fluid so I ended up just smearin' that shit all over my windshield. I was pissed. I love ice cream.

I pass this painted tree from time to time.........What is it? Why is it there? It drives me BONKERS and one day I'm gonna be drivin' along and I'm gonna be all lookin' at it as I drive past and *KABAMOOIE!!!!!!!!* I'm gonna rear end a stopped car.

Is it some kinda Indian ritual? Did somebody die in a car accident there and they loved blue paint and red frisbees and this is someone's last tribute? Is it there just to distract people like me from actually seein' somethin' else in that area that we could be seein' if we weren't lookin' at this, this.....whatever the hell it is? WHAT IS IT?!?! I'm losin' sleep dammit!

This.......

....is the girl's version of our family on the Sims game. Her and her brother are DEAD ON. Like crazy dead on. Me and her dad on the other hand......she says....Mom, it won't let me make you and Dad any bigger, not like taller, but like.....bigger.....and they don't have hair as big as yours either. Take note Sims game.... not everyone in this world (especially in America) is a size 6 with beautiful hair.

This was the girl right after finding the last Easter egg.

I've decided that I hate hidin' Easter eggs. What has become of me????? I used to love playin' the part of all these holiday characters. I'm pretty sure at this point she knows all of it's a bunch of hooey, but she's still goin' along for the ride so she'll still get all the benefits of believin'. I've thought about payin' her brother to tell her it's all fake....it's a sham....she's been had, but she'll still get all the presents....better him than me right? I mean, I don't wanna be the one to bust her bubble completely. I already had to be the one to talk to her about S-E-X.....I should get a free pass on this one dontcha think?

Here's our dearest Wheezy.......she's almost five months now.

She has two modes. Haulin' ass and passed the fuck out. We've joked around that she's narcoleptic, but sometimes I really wonder. She'll run, run, run and leap through the air just to land in my lap and be completely sacked out the next second. There's no sittin' and relaxin' for a bit then fallin' asleep. It's the weirdest thing.

True story.....yesterday Wheezy jumped up in my lap. Jeremy came over and started sayin'.....you're gettin' very sleepy....very, very sleepy....he said it over and over for just a few seconds and no shit, she fell over. I don't mean like she just fell asleep like usual. She totally and completely fell the fuck over and was OUT.

I hear Jeremy's Mom used to do the same thing to the neighbor's chickens when she was a kid.

I came across this on this morning's Post Secrets blog.

After a month now of lookin' 8,000 times a day at every job site I can find and sendin' out resumes for jobs I totally don't want, jobs makin' way less money or jobs that I'm way over qualified for and still hearin' nothin' back from 99.9%, this really helps me hold onto hope. I'm not the only one. I've known I'm not, but there's somethin' about seein' it on Post Secret that tells me it's all gonna be just fine. Thank you Post Secret......you are the first thing my brain processes every Sunday mornin'.

Still On The Hunt

2010-04-08T09:32:00.008-04:00

Lord have I neglected my blog! I think about it everyday, but when it comes to content I got nothin'. Hell, I still got nothin', but I'm sittin' in the living room in dead silence. Everyone else is still asleep so I can actually sit and think and write for a minute.

I still haven't found a job. I'm goin' on what?.......a month now? I'm guessin' I've sent out over 80 resumes by now. Every day when I get to work, I'll open up every job site I can think of and just hit the refresh button every 15 - 30 minutes. The new listings have drastically slowed down. When it first happened a couple weeks ago, I about went over the edge. I had a really bad week that week. Like wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry while suckin' my thumb kinda bad....well that or beatin' the ever livin' crap outta the first person that looked at me wrong. I finally pulled myself out of it. I had to take my own advice that a really good friend threw back in my face after me havin' told her the same thing over and over. So thanks to her, I got over it and moved on. A shitty attitude will get me nowhere.....gotta stay positive, positive, positive.

Earlier this week, I had to complete a typing test to qualify for a job at City Hall. Turns out 50,000 other ladies were also tryin' to qualify for the same job, but what's new? When I arrived at the testing office, I looked around I thought "Really? This is what my competition is????" One lady had her kid with her, another lady was wearing jeans that had the crotch of 'em missin' because of her thighs rubbin', another chick was on her cell phone while the lady administering the test was trying to talk to her and the last lady had no fuckin' clue what a TAB key was!

All I could do was sit there and think, "so........as long as these ladies, type fast enough, they have as much of a chance as I do?!?!?!" Niiiice. If I was the person administering the test, the second those ladies walked in with a kid, jeans that had been eaten by their crotch or with a cell phone attached to their ear I woulda just shook my head and pointed to the door. You mean to tell me that you can't find somebody to watch your kid for an hour? You can't go to the thrift store and buy a pair of slacks? You can't put your fukin' cell phone down for just a minute? And then there's the lady that didn't know where the TAB key was. I'da just patted her on the back.....bless her heart.

By the time I had left there were six more ladies waiting. Out of those six, one had her kid with her and another one looked like she hadn't brushed her hair weeks. What a waste of my time......Even though I passed the with flyin' colors (and none of the ladies that were before me did), I left feelin' totally defeated.

The next day though things turned around, because I was called in for an interview. Despite the fact that when I left, I felt like I had been through a tornado and came out thinkin' "what the fuck just happened?", I think things went pretty well. I said VERY little.....hell, I had very little chance to actually say anything, which could be a very good thing, because I ain't exactly polished or always professional. When I left, I left knowing that they have a very heavy case load, what the hours would be, that I could wear jeans and flip flops, that I was exactly what they were lookin' for, but they still had a few more interviews and that I would be makin' less money than I do now. Man I hope I get this job! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

More Antique Awesomeness

2010-03-23T20:02:00.000-04:00

Jeremy and I went to Scott Antique Market for the first time earlier this month. If you've never heard of it, it's an antique market that's held every second weekend of the month and is in two buildings that together span 366,000 square feet......not to mention the outside vendors!

I was really in more of a lookin' mood than buyin' mood.....and I didn't have much cash on me either which I think is the only thing most vendors except.....at least shoppin' in my price range.

I wanted all this......

.....and this......who wouldn't love a giraffe with little tube things sproutin' from his head?

.....and then this. No smokin' in our house, but so what? That shit's just awesome.

...and Mr. Tiger.....despite the fact the he was very Ed Hardy-ish, I really loved him.

These guys....they were fantastical. Tennis playin' chipmunks. I woulda took 'em home and named 'em somthin' like Sampson and Borris and they coulda hung with Tina and her baby wolfcat, but at $245, they were a bit outta my price range.

So after hours of walkin' around that was pretty much all I found that I wanted. I'd say I much prefer Big Shanty, but we'll go back to this one when it comes back around....if only for the food.....

Jeremy had his first gyro ever and I had my first falafel ever. It was ok. I'm way to much of a meat eater to have truly enjoyed it though. Next time I'ma try my hand at the fried chicken, greens and macaroni and cheese covered in bacon. It all looked A-mazin'. I love food.

F*@k You That's Why

2010-03-17T10:29:00.006-04:00

Since I first had the sneakin' suspicion that I was gonna lose my job, I've stayed pretty positive......well, since I had my weekend of not leavin' the house or the couch anyways. The way I TYPICALLY see it, there's nothin' so bad it couldn't be worse.

However....that positive upbeat shit only works for so long when I'm forcin' myself to be that way. My future is uncertain and uncertainty and I ain't on speakin' terms if you know what I mean.

I don't feel like workin' on my fake smile and my "everything will work out in the end" bullshit today. I'm losin' my job and I'm pissed, stressed and hurt....and tired. I'm tired of closed door meetings, I'm tired of gossip and rumors and I'm tired of lookin' at all the job sites 30 times a day to see that nothin' new has been posted 98% of the time and I'm tired of sendin' my resume to jobs that I'm over qualified for and that won't pay my bills. I'm just fuckin' tired.....and this is only the beginning.

I've had two interviews which in itself is a damn miracle. That means out of the approximate 800 resumes said to be received by each and every job posting on careerbuilder.com, I somehow rose to the top.....twice. I didn't get the job for the first interview I went on, and haven't heard back from the second one yet. Fingers are still crossed.

*****************************************************************************

Since it's St. Patrick's Day, I'll leave you with this little Irish sayin' that I've had written in the back of one of my journals since I was a teenager.

In the end, there are only two things to worry
about.....
Either you are well or you are sick.
When you're well, there is
nothing to worry about.
But if you're sick, then there are two things to
worry about.....
either you get well or you will die.
When you get well,
there is nothing to worry about.
But when you die, then there are two things
to worry about......
either you'll go to heaven or you'll go to hell.
When you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But when you go to hell,
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends,
you won't have time to worry!
SO WHY WORRY!?

Tomorrow will be a different day. I will plaster on my fake smile which will eventually become a real smile and I will resume my positive attitude, because that's the only way I'm gonna make it. Yep, tomorrow I'll get right back on it. Why not just do it today?.......Fuck you that's why.

$10 Gets You the Whole Seat, But You'll Only Need the EDGE

2010-03-15T19:39:00.011-04:00

A few weeks ago Jeremy and I took the kids to see motocross for the first time and let me tell ya, there ain't nothin' better than $10 seats!

Ok, so that's a total lie, but when you factor in $40 parking (we lucked out though and only paid $20), $4 for bottled water and sodas, $5 for Dippin' Dots (which the kids....ok and me..... HAD to have) our little trip to see motocross ended up costing us damn near $90!

When we first got to our seats I think we all were feelin' a bit queasy. I ain't no pro on angles, but those seats were on one helluvan angle. One little misstep and it was down to the bottom. Nothin' but ass over elbows. And you're only gettin' $10 seats because you a) are takin' a family and don't wanna take out a second mortgage to go see motocross or b) they wanna be able to afford gettin' shitfaced. Yeah. Families tryin' to save money and people wantin' to get shitfaced all together. In THOSE seats...no bueno. In all seriousness, it was somethin' to get used to, especially for someone like me who's a little top heavy and prone to trippin' over my own feet.

We got there way early so we had plenty of time for people watchin'.

I have never in my life seen so many kids with those razor haircuts, black eyeliner, hats sideways or hoods up over their heads. It was really weird to see SO MANY kids dressed the same and as the girl pointed out, there's no difference between the boys and girls. They all had the same sad faces, same textin' phones, same bangs in their eyes haircuts and same clothes. Is this the the new goth? I know I dressed all kindsa fucked up as a kid, and I know that I got stared at by people that just didn't get it, but damn these kids look freaky like little clones of each other.

We had a few of those kids sittin' directly in front of us and the girl kept debatin' all night whether or not one of them was actually a boy or a girl. At one point a fight had broke out two rows behind us so the kids in front of us had turned around to see and my girl said, "yeah, definitely a boy....I think". Honestly, I wasn't sure either. So I told her it was one of those "third gender" people like they have in India. That shut her up.

It's kinda weird bein' the one's with normal lookin' kids. Whodathunkit?

After about two hours of people watchin' the lights went out......

....and the awesomness began.

...and within 15 minutes the awesomeness was over and the races began. Not much action there. No awesome crashes and lots of awesome fumes....I think next time, we'll just stick to Monster Trucks.

It's What's Been Happenin'

2010-03-15T11:13:00.007-04:00

Last week, I was fairly certain I was gonna lose my job. I was right.

Mr. Bossman took me into his office, shut the door and that was it. At first all I could could hear were each and every second hand of each and every of the 15 clocks he has in his office tickin' away. It was only a brief moment, but it felt like eons. Then he started sayin' all the words I had been prayin' wouldn't come. You know the sound the adults make on Charlie Brown? Yeah. That's pretty much all I heard. Even though I knew this was coming, all I could think was, "Yep. I'm fucked. After all these years, this is what it comes down to. Awesome." I'm a stability FREAK and this was gonna put a big fat dent in my stability. Dammit. I was and still am officially in panic mode.

So. That's that. I have approximately six weeks to find a job. So far, I've sent out 51 resumes. 51. I've gotten one call back, one email, and two interviews (one of which is this afternoon, which I'm REALLY, REALLY hopin' for) and one place even came across my blog. It was an IT company I sent an email to a company that I would love to work for just for the working environment alone. Little did I know, they would snoop around to see what they could find out about me and would be readin' my blog not even 15 minutes after I had sent them an email.

I never heard back from them.

At least now I'm aware of how easy a possible employer could find me on the internet so I was able to change what I thought I had already safeguarded myself against. Ugh.

Now, onto other things. This past weekend as you know was the weekend before St. Patty's Day and because I don't do the whole gettin' shit faced drunk on school nights, I've always looked forward to the weekend before when St. Patty's fell on a weekday. ALWAYS. This year it totally escaped me. We went to Atlanta Saturday night and there were all these drunk asshats stumblin' around wearin' green. I figured there was some big game and the team color was green. Then it hit me. I totally shoulda been one of those drunk asshats stumblin' around wearin' green. How had I missed this?!?!?! Not only was I not drunk and stumblin' around, I really would've rather been at home like usual.

I hardly drank at all that night (gasp, I know) and I apparently had a sign on me that said, "I generally don't like people, but tonight however I wanna talk to EVERYONE I don't really know, so please come talk to me", because everybody I didn't know wanted to talk to me. My face hurt from tryin' to keep that "I really do give a shit" smile on my face and my neck hurt from all the nodding in agreeance. I just wanted to be at home.

Home, home, home. If I don't find a job soon, I'll be spendin' a lot of time at home....that is until it's foreclosed on because we can't make the payments. Chin's up though. I'm gettin' this job I'm interviewing for today. I know it. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

It's Like Tryin' to Win the Lottery

2010-03-08T12:12:00.012-05:00

I'm losing my job. The job that I've had on and off for a total of 12 years. I haven't been officially told yet, but I'm fairly certain. I can feel it. There's been too many closed door meetings and rumors goin' around.

That also means that I'm about to join the thousands upon thousands of people that have felt the crush of the economy. I'm also joining those thousands of people in the hopeless search for new employment. People have just as good of a chance at winning the lottery as they have in finding a job nowadays.

Every now and again, I'll look for a new job. Not hardcore nose to every job site there is kinda lookin', just the I'd like a change kinda lookin'. I've always wanted a job that's closer to home, that I can wear jeans and a t-shirt to and I can have purple hair if I want....oh, and that pays the same as my current job. So far, that job doesn't exist....at least not in the field I'm lookin' in and with the job experience I have. Anyways, this whole lookin' for a job because my livelihood depends on it is new to me. Last time I had to do this, I went to the Quick Trip and bought a Sunday paper to look for a job. That's when ALL the new available jobs came out.....Sundays. I guess with this new fandangled thing called the internet, jobs are posted all day everyday....and there ain't much of 'em. And the ones that are there?!?!? Yeah....I'm not billengual, I don't have a degree in business, and the one's that are requiring a business degree are startin' out at $10 an hour! Wow.....I'm fucked.

Where my life could possibly be heading in the next upcoming weeks is really, really scary. I've worked my ass off to be where I am now. I don't and haven't had creditors callin' and knockin' on my door in like 11 kazillion-billion years. That was such a low point in my life and I ain't goin' back.

Guess I'll just have to stand in line and play the lottery like everyone else......and hope I don't go postal in the meantime.

I'm Laugin' At You

2010-02-28T18:39:00.007-05:00

How old are you again?!?!?

Yep. Totally laughin'.......at you.

Thanks.

The "S" Word

2010-02-26T06:53:00.010-05:00

We had the "talk" with the boy just before he went into middle school, because from what I hear, girls are givin' boys rim jobs in the fuckin' bathroom in middle school these days. If that shit was happenin' when I was in middle school, I was certainly oblivious to it, but I don't think that's the case. I think we were still, for the most part, kids.....worried about kid things.

When we had the talk with the boy it was cake. I mean it was slightly uncomfortable, but we told him about STD's, the importance of rubbers, and what every slang word for sex or anything related to sex was. Good times.

The boy never asked about sex. He didn't and still doesn't give a shit. I know you're sayin' "that's what you think", but trust me.....he'd rather be playin' video games.

I knew the talk would come earlier for the girl. When she was 4, Sex and the City was picked up on public television and they started to run commercials for the show....she saw one and asked "Mama, what's sex?"......and because she already knew about the word "sexy" in the context of shoes, I told her it was like sexy.....somethin' that makes your feet look good. I mean shit, she was FOUR.

From time to time I have asked her if there's anything the kids have talked about in school that she doesn't understand. Anything. I don't want either of our kids feelin' stupid when some kid's talkin' about a donkey punch. Ok, so that's totally goin' too far, but you understand. No matter what they ask, they'll get an answer.....as best of one as I can give.....even if it might be a total lie.

Well last night, the bomb was dropped. "Mom, can I ask you a question?"

..."Sure".....

"Remember how you told me I could come talk to you about anything and to come to you when I was ready to talk about.....about.....about....the "S" word?"

"The what word?"

......."the "S" word".

"Girl, you gotta be more specific......the "S" word? The only "S" word I know is "shit"....you wanna talk about shit?"

"No, mom.....the "S" word. Don't make me say it."

"I'm lost here kid."

......and in a hushed voice she said "sex".

Oh sweet jesus god. On the inside I just flipped the fuck out.

On the inside I was screamin' "YOU'RE TOO FUCKIN' YOUNG FOR THIS....WHY ARE YOU ASKIN' ME ABOUT THIS SHIT?!?!?!"...but I just said, "sure, what do you wanna know?"

Her simple answer to my question....."what exactly is it?"

I felt like I was gonna puke. Then all of a sudden I felt like I was gonna have the nervous shits. This was not good. Even though I was put together on the outside, it was like a multi-car pileup on my inside. I knew this would eventually be comin' and thanks to some asshat kid at her school talkin' shit he heard his brother sayin' to his whore ass girlfriend, I gotta deal with it years earlier than I wanted to.

I cleared my throat and began.....

"Sex is what two people who are in a committed relationship and who love each other VERY, VERY much do when they wanna make babies".

"Ok, but how?"

Gimme strength dear lord, gimme strength.....I didn't want her to even notice a moments hesitation. I couldn't let her know how utterly and completely uncomfortable I was. I want her to ALWAYS feel comfortable comin' to me for everything.

....and so began "the talk" with my WAY too young daughter. She asked way too many questions. Really, really uncomfortable questions. In the end she was disgusted. Thank you sweet baby jesus for that....you just keep right on bein' disgusted.

Today I went to the girl's school and had lunch with her. She pointed out Mr. Inappropriate Talker to me and I made it point to speak to him before I left. I wanted to wrap the kid in duct tape and say "try talkin' shit now kiddo". Instead, I caught him just as he was leaving the lunch room and said, "I understand you've said some pretty inappropriate things in front of my girl. I don't appreciate that and I expect you to never do it again. Got me?" He said, "I haven't said anything inappropriate to her! Did she tell you how she treats me? She is SO mean to me"......Yeah kid, that's what children in elementary school do....they pick on each other and play kickball and shit. They don't talk about fuckin' blow jobs. God I wish I coulda said that. Instead I just said "that's what kids do. Just watch what you say when your around my girl".

Right after I talked to him I thought "oh shit. he's gonna tell his teacher he got a talkin' to by a parent"....so I told her myself. She was ok with it, but suggested I go to the Principal instead next time. Huh.....there better not be another fuckin' next time.......

One Weeked to the Next

2010-02-16T07:28:00.006-05:00

This weekend was freakin' gorgeous.

We spent some time at the park with the kids and figured we'd take Wheeze to the dog park since she was doin' nothin' but pissin' our other dogs off....

I hated the dog park. People wanna talk to you and pick up your dog. Because she's a puppy, I guess they assume they have the right to do that. Then, you got little kids bendin' over and touchin' your dog without askin' and when you tell 'em they shouldn't because your dog likes to claw and snap at people that get in her face because she's just a puppy and they, nor their stupid ass parents, listen and then they act all surprised when said puppy jumps up and claws the kid's face.....yeah, well....you see where I'm goin'. All I had to say was...."I told you...maybe you shoulda listened".

Outside of all the idiots that were at the park, it was really nice. It was good to see the boy actually outside gettin' some exercise....and the girl...it was nice to not have her attached to my hip for half a minute.

It's hard to believe just last weekend we had all that snow.

The girl tried her version of snowboarding. She wouldn't let me take the wheels and trucks off so she had a pretty damn hard time of it......it was amusing.

I had fun takin' pictures of army men in the snow.

He knew they were comin'.......

They had him surrounded.....

He managed to get away in time......

...but they quickly caught up with him again.....(insert serious music here)....

I'm on this weird kick of playin' with and takin' pictures of toys. I actually just bought a few new toys at the antique mall this weekend. I got my metal wind up bunny FINALLY. I love him. I was showin' it to my friend Chewy and Jeremy said "wind it up" and told Chewy to watch what I do when it starts hoppin'.

"What the fuck do you mean "what I start doin'" when it starts hoppin'? I don't do shit".

As it turns out I start bouncin' too.....weirdest damn thing. The second the bunny started, so did I. I love my bunny.....

I also got some monster heads, a mini revolver, a red stuffed bulldog toy, a hotel bell (that works better than any other hotel bell EVER), little piggy salt and pepper shaker, and those two kids kissin' there in the background....too, too cute. I'm gonna blow so much money at that place......

Finally. Snow.

2010-02-12T19:09:00.011-05:00

Growin' up, we always had a "snow day" or two every single year. We'd watch the news until the last minute before our bedtime, prayin' that our school would be on the list of school closings and the second we saw it was, we headed for bed anxious for the next day to get here already.

We'd get up at the ass crack of dawn and start layerin' the shit out of our clothes. We'd put ziploc baggies over our socks before we put on our shoes and then we'd head for the garage to grab a trash can lid so we could hit the hill in the neighbor's yard. We'd stay out for HOURS. Our fingers would damn near be fallin' off by the time we got back in. The thawin' out process was excruciating, but as soon as we had a bowl of ramen in our bellies and had somewhat regained the feelin' in our fingers, we headed right back out.

Man those were the days.

Now, whenever snow's mentioned on the news, it's in the EXTREME northern part of the state. We've only had a dusting a couple times over the years, and if it were anything more, it was all gone by the time mid-afternoon rolled around.....lame. Our kids just don't get to experience snow days......

...that was until this past weekend!

This weekend, we got enough snow for our kids to be able to actually have a snow day! Well, the boy kinda just looked at the snow and pushed it around with his foot before he headed back in the house to play video games, but the girl was out in it for hours. At first, it didn't even occur to me to grab my camera. I just wanted to get out and play.

I didn't last as long as I did when I was a kid though. With fingers and toes frozen and snot drippin' outta my nose, I went in to warm up a bit after just about an hour of bein' out. By the time I got back out with my camera, the girl had disappeared with her friends so I had to wait to get some pictures of her.

Here's a few pictures I took.....

Not the wisest choice in shoes, but my boots were still soaked so.....

.....and of course, like I said before, Tina LOVES takin' her baby wolf cat out when there's even the slightest bit of snow......

....and it was Wheezy's very first snow. She loved it. Our other two dogs could care less....but Wheezy ran around all pickin' up snow in her mouth and throwin' it up in the air.....it was the cutest thing ever.....

.....my snow man.....snow depresses him.....

The girl was playin' with her friends and the boy didn't wanna come out of his room.....so I played with dolls.....or doll heads...whatever.....

By the time I came back in, Wheezy was passed the fuck out. For a split second, I actually thought maybe she was dead. She just felt like the rest of us do after a long over due snow day.....

I Feel So Far Behind

2010-02-11T11:48:00.007-05:00

Our girl's been sick all this week.

You know those fish that hitchhike on the backs of sharks? That's what she's been like for the last several days....meaning she was stuck to me like glue and I couldn't get shit done, and by the time she finally detached herself, I had caught her cold and couldn't get off the couch. Between the cold and having to give the girl breathin' treatments every four hours around the clock, I'm wiped out. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people that can get up in the middle of the night for 20 minutes and go back to bed and fall right back to sleep, so sleep deprivation has been an issue this week.

Let's also put a puppy that's in what's equivalent to the terrible two's into the mix and wow.....I don't know what's kept me from hittin' the bottle. When we first brought Weezy home, she was just like an infant.....up long enough to eat and poo and back to sleep she went. Now, she plays, plays, plays....tortures our other dogs for a while, drags all her toys outta her basket and when she tires of those, steals one of my slippers to gnaw on until I catch her in the act. She doesn't just get up in our laps and fall asleep all cuddlin'.....she sacks the shit out.

On a totally different note, I took a photography class Sunday (post soon to come!), but because the girl has been so sick, I haven't had much of an opportunity to try out what I learned. I'm hopin' to take this photography thing to another level with some fancy photographer like knowledge. Too bad my brain is like slush though. I think I'm gonna need some one on one lessons. Can't wait!

I've Changed My Mind

2010-02-04T13:37:00.009-05:00

After last Saturday's shoot with Jenn of BlondeShot Creative, I think I've decided to become a professional pin up model instead of moving to Hollywood to pursue an actin' career. I mean I'm a natural. You've seen the photos. Like I said before, I have a lot of friends/acquaintances who are models and I think I've learned a quite a bit from lookin' at their photos.

Why do girls model? Boys....they want to be looked at by boys. That's why girl's do it. I mean that's why I'm gonna do it anyways. You saw my skills in all the other photos. I got MAD modelin' skills. Look at this one......I'm all sexy and shit hangin' out on the trunk of the Comet. It looks as if the top portion of my body was simply placed on the trunk of my car.....and I look totally content with that. I mean, if I were just a torso, I would be freakin' the fuck out, but like I said...I got mad skills...you can't see that I'm really freakin' out on the inside. Mad skills.

I have all my pin up friends/acquaintances to thank for my mad skills. I've seen A LOT of pin up photos and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that girl's like to look like they're fixin' cars with tools that could never actually do a damn thing to a car. Like say....a big ol' plumbers wrench.....or maybe they'll hold a big ol' oil can up like they're puttin' gas in the car.....and then, they'll have grease on their face from puttin' oil....errr...I mean gas in the car. SO.....that MUST mean that that's what boys like to see right? Girls lookin' like they ain't got a lick of sense doin' work on vintage cars. Well, it just so happens, I gotta a vintage car in my garage....and it just so happens that I have a chainsaw.....so I did work......me and my chainsaw....on my vintage car.

I personally think this is the BEST photo EVER. I kinda wish I still had my big prom dress to wear, because I've noticed that girls are often wearin' their best dress up clothes when they're workin' on these cars in these photos.....that's alright though. I don't need to dress up all fancy and shit, because me and my chainsaw got MAD SKILLS.

Lookie Here Now....

2010-02-04T07:50:00.006-05:00

You best not be tryin' to take a short cut to the pool through my yard.....you're likely to get your ass shot. Mhhmm....shot. I just hang out in my yard and wait......

....and when I tell you you better be gettin' some yunder....you best be, 'cuz I'll get all crazy on your ass and chase a bitch down......

....and if I cain't catch ya....well....My deddy says I'm a purdy derned good aim.....

Thanks again to Jenn at BlondeShot Creative!

I'll post a couple more fun one's tomorrow!

I Told You I'd Be Rich and Famous

2010-02-02T11:19:00.012-05:00

I may have recently mentioned that I was in Halloween 2.....three times. THREE TIMES!!! Why else would I be in that movie THREE times unless Rob Zombie thought I had some stellar actin' skills? Right? I had decided because of my stellar actin' skills, I was gonna move to Hollywood because I knew the movie rolls were gonna start comin' in at any minute and I'd certainly need an agent. Well, the plans to move have been sidetracked because I have kids and Hollywood ain't no town for kids. I figure I'm so awesome in Halloween 2 that all the movie producers, directors and agents will come to me no matter where I am.

....and I was totally right. Last week I was contacted by Jenn at BlondeShot Creative. She said as soon as she saw me in the movie she KNEW she had to do a shoot with me so she started her search for me immediately and after an exhausting six weeks, she had found me. She said my talent eclipsed any she had seen before.....that there was so much feeling in my expressions that she knew it would translate amazingly to photograph. She HAD to find me.

Ok, so I'm totally lyin'. Jenn's this amazing photographer friend of mine and we had mentioned back and forth that it would be fun to do a shoot together.....and fun it was.

I wasn't sure how the pictures would turn out, because my idea of posin' for a picture is all crazy eyed with my tongue hangin' out. I have several friends/acquaintances that are into the whole pinup modelin' thing and I think half the time they look about damn retarded when they're tryin' to be all sexy and shit. I know men go for that kinda junk, but that's because they're brains are in the tips of their penises......if they had brains in their heads, they'd look at a girl leanin' over a car like she's about to fix it with the big ol' plumbers wrench in her hand and they'd think she looked like a buffoon. Don't hate me.....you know it's true.

Jenn pretty much let me do whatever. I was totally retarded most the time and she let me be. I needed plenty of direction though to get the look that she wanted from me. We took a few shots in the house before it got dark enough for what she wanted to do outside......

This one says "do you even question my awesomeness?"

This one says "Holy shit! What in the sam hell's that?!?"

This one is me with the biggest smile I think I've ever had in a photograph and I'm just sittin'....on my couch...alone......with a big ol' grin on my face.

This one is me and Tina the mama wolf cat. I caught her tryin' to go upstairs and play with the cats so I had to grab her and give her a talkin' to.

Here's me and my bears. At first they were all sweet and lovin' the attention, but eventually they ended up fightin' because one felt the other was gettin' more attention. Whatever. Crazy bears. They're stuffed animals....don't they even know that????

This is just a bit of the awesomeness that came from Jenn and her camera...stay tuned. I have a feelin' the best is yet to come!

We Had A Baby

2010-01-31T15:04:00.006-05:00

I've had this hankerin' for a baby for about six months now......I asked Jeremy if we could adopt us a China baby...he said "no".........

....and since we had to put our Mama dog down almost year ago, Jeremy's been lookin' at dogs ever since. I kept sayin' "no". I can't do that again. He'd say, "Awww....look at this one"...I'd glance and so "um......no".

Then this lady was brought to my attention......

I got my baby! She's a Boxer Pug mix....and she's so cute she makes me wanna throw up.....I couldn't wait to get her. A week after we met her, we had her!

We still don't have a name for her. I've been callin' her Teeny.

Mini Pearl, Charlene, Scout, Roxy, Lula Bell, Lulu, Weezy, Tammy......all those have been tossed around, but none of stuck yet.....I want somethin' southern, sassy, trashy.....awesome....I think I just totally described myself.....Any ideas?

Our big boy just wants to stand over her.....watch her......then step on her. He loves her.

Let the chewin' and pooin' and peein' begin......

****UPDATE****
Our little lady now has a name....Weezy Lee. Weezy came to me when she was weezing a little while she was asleep....and Lee just to add a little southerness. Everytime I call her now I start singin' "Movin' on uuuup....to the east siiide. To a deluxe apartment in the skyyyy........"

Our first night was a little rough. She hollered ALL NIGHT LONG, which in turn pissed off our big dog who felt the need to holler back at her....and since he never really barks I kept thinkin' "Oh shit....what if someone's breakin' in the house"....I struggled half the night on whether or not to get up and see, but I didn't want Weezy to see me and think she was gonna get to play. We had a few accidents (but that was expected) and my mornin' routine has to be completely re-done until she gets the hang of things. Good times, good times.

She's totally worth it. You saw that face right?

I've Been Lame

2010-01-28T07:29:00.005-05:00

Once again, I find that my creative juices just ain't been flowin' so I haven't felt much like writin'.

I hate neglectin' my blog. I think about it everyday, but that's as far as I get. The thought never turns into substance....and quite frankly, it still hasn't, but it's been over a week since my last post so I felt like I had to give y'all somethin'.

You're probably tired of the all my pictures from the Big Shanty Flea Market, but I NEVER tire of that place.....and well, this is my damn blog so I can post whatever the hell floats my boat.....and this place floats my boat.....the things that I find there never cease to amaze me. I want so much of it too. I'm gonna end up bein' one of those people who has way too much junk. This place has replaced my liquor drinkin' money that I have slotted in my budget. That says a lot. Ok, so I'm totally lyin'.....whatever.

This trip was taken with my friend Chewy and the girl. I warned them both....I spend HOURS in this place....don't start whinin' and hour in, 'cuz you can just go sit in the car by yourself of you do.

The girl really had a blast. She's already asked if we could go back and get these glasses, because she knows she needs glasses.........and she wants me to schedule an eye appointment like tomorrow.

This stumped me. Get it??? Stumped?!?!? Yeah, fuckin' stupid I know. Like I said, the creative juices ain't been flowin'.

At first glance this looked like Linda Blair from the Exorcist, but the more I looked at it though, the more I think it's Loretta Lynn. What do you think?

THESE will definitely be added to my collection soon. I'ma make 'em some sweet little outfits too. Hell, I may just cut their heads off and hot glue 'em to somethin' else....like maybe onto a horses body or somethin'.

That's what ol' elk gets for bein' lazy and not runnin' faster. Those're just dogs Mr. Elk.....not cougars. You shoulda run faster.
Here's Chewy. Givin' herself a hand. She does that a lot.

This is another item that should be in my new junk. He's a little pricey for me though....and he kinda smells like spit.

On this trip I did find the very best thing I have yet seen at the antique mall and I mean BY FAR the best. I ain't jokin'. It was hidden behind a paintin'of JC (that's Jesus Christ to those of you that are don't roll with him like I do).....

You ready for this?

Angels singin' is what I heard when I saw this. I know I've said that before, but I ain't kiddin' this time. Angels. Just take a moment to bask in all it's gloriousness.........

HOWEVER, at $295, they can keep it....come to think of it though, they do have a layaway plan.

Rich and Famous. That's What I'm Gonna Be.

2010-01-20T20:07:00.006-05:00

Not quite a year ago, I was an extra in Rob Zombie's Halloween II. I said I'd never do that again and by THAT, I meant be an extra in a movie. It was just shy of torture.

Once the movie came out, the reviews sucked. Imagine that. Not that I'd go see even if the reviews were good.....I ain't into them kinda movies, BUT I would've gone to see it if I knew I was in the movie. To see myself on the silver screen.....ahhhh.....

A local theater held a screening of the movie for all the extras and I had several friends go, but to my utter disappointment they each said I wasn't in the movie....none of us were....well one guy saw his left arm.....lame.

Here it is months later and H2 is out on DVD. I got an email from a friend who was going frame by frame (because she's lame like that she says) and there's a nanosecond where the only thing on the screen is my face. No f-in' WAY!!! Of course I went straight out to rent the movie.

By the time I get home, I have another email from someone else telling me the same thing. Sweet baby jesus.....I'ma be famous!

I suffer through the first part of the movie and get all excited when the scene comes up that I should be in. The main character is at the party and she's all freakin' out and things are lookin' all wonky.....I'm watchin' and watchin' and watchin' and...holy SHIT.....right in the middle of her seein' shit all crazy.......there I am.........

.....and I'm totally singin'....and not along with the music that's playin', but that totally ain't my fault....I ain't the one that pieced that shit back together and put it on screen.....

Rewind, pause, frame by frame, rewind, pause......

Millions upon millions (ok, the movie sucked so maybe thousands upon thousands) get to see my face and wonder...."who's that awesome chick that's all over my t.v. screen?" Sha.....It's totally me.

After about thirty minutes of rewind, frame by frame, pause, I continue on with the movie and....HOLY SHIT.....there I am AGAIN! This time super quick flash of me all lookin' the same. Rewind, frame by frame, pause.

Jeremy and my friend Chewy gotta be irritated so I continue on with the movie. Ahhhh....my fifteen minutes.....seconds....half seconds....whatever.

As the scene goes on, the main character and one of her friends heads outside and I'm tellin' Jeremy and Chewy how insanely awesome the outside of the party was and....HOLY SHIT.....there I am AGAIN....hangin' out by the stairs....pretendin' I'm drinkin' a beer and freezin' my ass off.....

My fifteen half seconds of fame has totally turned into 20 half seconds of fame.

Rich and Famous. That's what I'm gonna be.

I've decided I'm moving to Hollywood to pursue a movie career and I'm expectin' the offers to start rollin' in at any minute. As a matter of fact, I just missed a phone call from a number I didn't recognize....they didn't leave a message, but I'm certain they're gonna call back and I'll have my first leading role.....

I Ain't Down With Brown

2010-01-16T09:20:00.008-05:00

This past Saturday, I had a full day of awesomeness planned (another day at the Antique Mall, with the girl and a friend) so I got up at 8 so I could start on the torturous task of colorin' my hair. I went downstairs first to get Tina so she and baby wolf cat could have a play date with one of my cats that refuses to leave our bedroom, but when I wasn't lookin', Tina totally snuck in the bathroom (see her on the counter behind me?) so she could see what was goin' on. I tried to tell her the fumes were bad for her baby wolf cat, but she didn't listen. Who am I to tell her how to raise her baby......

Colorin' my hair blows. The worst part is brushin' it out first, hence the busy mane in the above photo. It's definitely not an easy task when you have the fro of curly knots that I have.

After finally raking all the color through my hair, I put the last bit that was left over on my eyebrows........oh sweet jesus the burn. Somethin' was definitely wrong here. The only time I felt that kinda burn was when I used bleach on my hair. Turns out I might as well have been......I didn't have my glasses on when I grabbed the 40 volume developer.....nice....I was about to have neon pumpkin orange hair.

Being that I pro that I am, I figured I'd let the color sit for longer than normal.....I figured the lifting of color would start first before the deposit of color so the longer it sat, the more color would be deposited. Makes since right?

I uploaded some new songs on the girl's ipod and cooked breakfast and before I knew it, the color had been on my hair for about an hour. Shit.

When I got out of the shower, I was grateful that all my hair hadn't fallen out, but when I looked in the mirror my hair was SO dark. Maybe it'd lighten up once it was dry....psht....right.

I totally have brown hair now......and I'm sad.......

....but not too sad to have a blast at the antique mall........

Divine Population Control?

2010-01-14T13:47:00.009-05:00

At the risk of losin' readers and majorly pissin' some people off to the point that they're leavin' me long drawn out replies tellin' me what an idiot I am (even if it's over spelling or grammar), I have to write this......I have to know.....am I the only person that has had these certain thoughts come across in my mind? Am I sick and twisted?

This earthquake in Haiti....they say it's killed 45,000 to 50,000 people. They also say in a city that was designed to hold 50,000 people, there are 2 million people crammed in.

Do you believe in God?

Could this be some sort of divine population control? Is God micromanaging forces of nature to tame what is obviously a country that is out of control?

The devastation is unfathomable. It's absolutely horrific, but if you believe in God, would it be safe to say that God gave each and every one of those people in that country a brain?

Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe there's some blind force that's holdin' this entire country back from usin' their brains.

EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.....they're a poor county. They don't have all the opportunities and luxuries we as Americans have. You know why we as Americans have all these opportunities and luxuries? Because we use our brains.

This is 2010. I always thought we'd be flyin' around in spaceships by now. You know, like the Jetsons or Back to the Future II? So we're totally not, but you'd think by now everybody'd get the jist of usin' their brains. Just by me admitting that I thought we'd by flyin' around in spaceships, you could argue that I ain't necessarily usin' my brain and that I'm ignorant....yeah well, I ain't ever claimed to be an intellect.

That's all.

I've purged the ol' brain of THAT and I even feel a little better now that I've organized my thoughts into cohesive sentences instead of keepin' them in my head like a bunch of jumbled of fishin' line.

If this does raise up some holy hell raisin' in you and you write me some angry response, I ain't gonna reply. I'm not into arguing over random thoughts or opinions.....especially with people on the interwed. So please, feel free to say what you gotta say......agree or disagree......

Tomorrow.....America's response to the devastation in Louisiana brought on by Hurricane Katrina vs. America's response to a devastating earthquake in Haiti.

Do They Make A Pill For That?

2010-01-13T15:00:00.003-05:00

Forget, forget, forget. Always.

Gettin' on phone to yell at someone (i.e. cable company)....go over what you need to say in your head first so you don't sound like a total fucktard.

Long blogs don't hold my attention.

Suck at tellin' jokes, wanna be good at trivia.

One main issue.....attention span....ain't got none.....Does it equal laziness???

See that list? That list is how I function on a day to day basis. I started writing the below red colored paragraphs and kept getting lost and had to stop to write down the above things so I could remember to touch on them.

I can't remember shit. I can't stay focused. I have to write anything and everything down if I wanna remember it. I cannot multi-task. To see me tryin' to multi-task is to see a retard jerkin' around in a strobe light. What's my damn problem???

Did I do a shit ton of drugs when I was a kid? No. That shit's for hippies. Ok, so I did do some, but I quickly moved on.

I have a million things that I wanna to do. I think about doing them, but that's as far as I get. I have a severe case of no motivation. I'm lazy. Way lazy.....but am I really? Maybe I just have a focus issue. I CAN'T do more than one thing at a time. Just can't. When I'm interrupted, it takes me two years to get back to whatever I was doing. It's gettin' worse and worse too. Don't interrupt me. Ever.

I have so many issues that there's gotta be a pill that can help me with at least a few of them. Not that I'd take it, because if my finger got cut off, I'd just take Ibuprofen. I don't EVER take medicine.....I think if you take medicine to fix one thing, it'll give you some other issue that you'll need another pill to fix and on and on and on.

First problem.....I'll think of something and think "I gotta remember that for later"......like somethin' I wanna google or somethin' funny I wanna tell Jeremy. Not two seconds later, it's gone. I try SO HARD to remember random things, but I just can't retain them. I just wanna be able to tell a joke to someone without totally fuckin' it up, by forgettin' it half way through. When I was a teenager, I was ALWAYS writing on my wrists. Sometimes there'd be a whole damn list of shit on my arm.....it was the only way I was able to pass anything.

Do I have ADD? They make a pill for that....I know.

Frozen Dairy Dessert vs. Ice Cream....Either Way Tina Ain't Havin' It

2010-01-12T10:29:00.002-05:00

Our friend Chewy came over for dinner last night and brought with her some ice cream so we could have ice cream sundaes afterwards. When she took the "ice cream" carton outta the bag, I saw that it said "frozen dairy dessert".

I don't get it. I'm just not real clear on why they can't just call the ice cream, "ice cream". Is there some sorta copyright infringement issues? Like Bryers and Edy's and Ben & Jerrys and Haagan Dazs and.....I could go on and on......are the non-generic brands of ice cream the only ones that can call their ice cream, "ice cream"?

I'm so confused.....and so retarded....I've spent and am still spending entirely too much time ponderin' this.

When Chewy opened the carton I looked at it and said "where the hell's all the little black specks?"......she said "this shit ain't vanilla bean ice cream....it's frozen dairy dessert".....

I'll admit....I was a little apprehensive about tryin' the frozen dairy dessert. I figured it'd taste like ass since they didn't even feel comfortable enough with their product to call it "ice cream". It was actually pretty good though! It tasted pretty similar to Dairy Queen soft serve to me.

In all seriousness though.....if it looks like ice cream and tastes like ice cream WHY IN THE HELL CAN'T THEY JUST CALL IT ICE CREAM? I think I might have to write a letter to someone about this before it drives me to takin' a sharpie marker to the ice cream aisle at the grocery store and changin' all that shit to say ice cream.

After devouring my frozen dairy dessert, I went back to the kitchen and saw Tina hoverin' over the carton. Tina's lactose intolerant so I was a little confused, but upon further inspection, if you look close enough to her baby wolf cat's top lip, you can see that she'd gotten into into the frozen dairy dessert. Well that or she has rabies and was frothin' at the mouth.

A Man of Many Hats

2010-01-11T22:25:00.000-05:00

I do my best to torture Jeremy on a daily basis. Like show him who's boss and stuff (psht, right). Ewww.....Talkin' about showin' somebody who's boss....have any of y'all read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty books? Sweet lord o-mighty.......don't. That is unless you're into severe slave and master type shit. Readin' it's almost like reading about non-stop rape. Man rape, woman rape,.....it's all there and so very wrong. It's been really hard to get through the books. I knew goin' in it was non-stop.......for a lack of a better word......bonin' in and S&M sorta way. I just had no idea the extent of the S&M. It's just WAY too much for me. I can handle a little hair pullin' and a little smack on the ass, but not.....ugh....I can't even write about it......it's just too much. I'm determined to make my way through all three books though no matter how many times I have to put it down and walk away.

Anyhow.....

This is my last of the pictures from mine and Jeremy's 4 hour excursion at the Big Shanty Antique Mall....and yes, I made Jeremy put on hats. It wasn't without eyeball rollin' and him givin' me the crazy eyes though.

One of the hats was a shriner hat and who doesn't wanna be a shriner? I mean there's a secret hand shake I'm sure....and probably a secret tunnel somewhere too. Then....THEN, there's those little minicars they drive around in parades and stuff.....

The hat is half way there to all the gloriousness that is being a shriner.

There were several of these little yamakas. Ok, so they're not yamakas, but they were funny as shit and I wanna call 'em yamakas. Just look at that face.......he hated me.

I've saved the best hat for last. It was also, in my opinion, the BEST gift at our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches party. I can just picture. Jeremy in some fancy band uniform. Marchin' around blowin' hard on a tuba, cheeks all puffed out.....AHAHAHAHAAA. I loved this hat. I wish I still had it.

Oh wait.....there was also this hat. I call it Tangerine Vagina. Just look at the beast that it is...but....how did I NOT see that hat that's behind me there on the right? Holy god. It's like a puffalump safari hat and who doesn't love puffalump safari hats?!?!? I'll have to try it on next time we go.

Tina and the Blizzard of 2010

2010-01-07T21:55:00.004-05:00

For days now Atlanta's been all buzzin' about the winter storm of 2010. Awesome. All the dipshits are gonna be at the store stockin' up on milk and bread. Why the hell you gotta buy milk and bread? The smart thing to do would be to go the liquor store and buy some whiskey to keep yourself warm.

We decided to grill out steaks. Actually our friend Chewy said she was comin' over with steaks........I think it'll be new tradition. All the other asshats'll have milk and bread.....we'll have steak.

As far as the winter storm.....we got like 16 inches.....of horse shit. We barely even got a dusting of snow.

It was enough though for Tina to start frothin' at the mouth wantin' to take her baby wolfcat out for her first snow.

She was so excited. She wanted to commemorate the occasion by writin' in the.....uh....snow.
Sweet, sweet Tina. I remember my kids' first snow too. Those little rosy cheeks and frozen feet and fingers. I love snow. It's a good thing we don't get it here like we once did though. It's like the snow's laced with stupid. Everybody just gets stupid. I think most people believe that the streets are slick the minute one single snow flake hits the ground. Thirty-five seems to be as fast as anyone wants to go. I really thought I was gonna lose my mind on the way home yesterday as a few flakes meandered their way down to the street. Idiots. All of 'em. Thankfully there weren't an asston of people at the store when I stopped to get charcoal......all the tards had gone the day before.

Last night before I went to bed, I saw that the kid's schools were gonna be closed. Even though there was maybe a milliliter of snow to actually hit the ground here, all that just turns to one solid block of ice......see all that white? Solid ice.....I'm thinkin' about ice skatin' on it later today if anybody would care to join me.

Weird Awesome Dolls err....People Type Things at the Antique Mall

2010-01-05T22:21:00.010-05:00

I'm sittin' here tryin' to come up with somethin' witty to write to start this off with, but I got Slayer's Raining Blood stuck in my head and that's really not helpin' me out much. So I'll just get to it. More awesomeness from the Big Shanty Antique Mall.....this time it's all dolls or people or...whatever......

I remember Jeremy sayin' somethin' about this doll that I thought was really funny, but again...Slayer stuck in my head so I got nothin'. That's one arrogant assed lookin' doll with her fuck me eyes.....or are those Betty Davis eyes? Betty Davis scared the shit outta me. She was one mean ass lookin' old woman.

The Jewish Bride. Really? Chick all gettin' felt up way back in the day.....I think it'd made more sense if it said Drunk Irish Bride.

...and THIS lady.....just look at the smile on her face...and her hands....bitch about to whip your ass AND she's gonna smilin' about it the whole time.

Check out this baby jesus.....he's all stoned and shit.

AHHHH!!! Why your eyes gotta be all wide open like that? You ever notice how so many dolls from ages ago are just creepy as shit? Why?

What the hell this is, I ain't got a clue. She's all feedin' her baby and got her mouth all wide open like she just got poked in the butt. Who made this? Why'd they make it? What does it all mean?!?!

Check out the knockers on this Barbie. She's got her hand all weird like she's holdin' a.....microphone....and she's got a scared dear in headlights look on her face. What's goin' on here?

When I saw this, I immediately thought of Michael Jackson. Do you see it or is it just me?

Again with the scary ass lookin' dolls. Her hair looks a lot like parts of mine did the last time it got singed. Ok, so it wasn't the last time, but the time before that. My hair totally got burned again this weekend. How does that keep happening to me?

"Sure I'm your friend". You know those words are a total lie right? The creepy boy/girl ain't your friend. She, he...whatever is just about to hustle your ass. Look at her, him, it......standin' there with foot crossed and makin' kissy faces....you're about to be fucked.....and it ain't gonna be good.

That's it for the people post. Tomorrow will be the stupid hats I made Jeremy wear and....dun, dun, dunnnnn.......the gift we gave at the party.

Weird Awesome Animal Creature Type Things at the Antique Mall

2010-01-05T22:18:00.006-05:00

Just after Christmas Jeremy and I went to the Big Shanty Antique Mall to find a gift for our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches Party. If you read my other post about this place, you'll remember some of the insane awesomness that can be found there.

After four hours, we had eaten awesome cheeseburgers and tamales at their little cafe, seen some of the most fantastic creatures type things ever made and found the best gift ever....which I will show in another post later this week.

I, of course, had my camera.........

These things, I'm not sure what the hell they are.......
Bunny woogies is my best guess. What's a bunny woogie you might ask....I dunno, but these certainly look like em'.

This little guy, I loved.....I want him for my very own and will most likely go back for him along with a couple of other things......I mean who doesn't love a red white and blue vinyl pony horse.....or is it a donkey?

This thing.....this thing is the what nightmares are made of....I'm pretty sure it was in one of mine when I was in like the 8th grade.....It's the stealer of all the world's happiness I'm quite certain. I'll probably get it too when I go back. There's a place on my mantel just for him. I think I'll name him......Flar, because that's probably the sound he makes as he's suckin' out your soul.

I saw this and thought "awww hell....that's better'n cheesy grits". A deer. A deer with a confederate soldier's hat AND a confederate flag....and a jug of moonshine AND a pistol.....hot damn.....Can't say I got a place for it at my house, but I'm sure I know a few people that do.......

Then there's this guy....Why???Why the hell would someone even make somethin' like this? I wanna buy it just so I can take 'em him and feed 'em. Then of course, I realized he's just a porcelain horse and I can't feed 'em......I still might buy him though....just because.

I LOVE this....... I bet it smells like maple syrup. I'll have him though....and I'll bathe him....and I'll name him Dang.

This was one monkey paintin' in a pair of monkey paintin's. I wish I would've taken a picture of the other one, but I was in complete awe of this one. What the hell's a monkey gonna do with a pencil? I get the crown and the fancy dress.......but the pencil?
Last but not least is this.......
Oh how I LOVE this. A wind up metal bunny, with soft furry ears. I want him so bad. I can't believe I didn't get him. I want a lot of stuff I see at the antique mall though so I take pictures and think on it for a week or so. Then I'll go back, spend another four hours and find 18 more things I want.

This is just the beginning of our four hour journey so check back tomorrow to see all the awesome doll/people type things........

Tina Spotted

2010-01-05T15:02:00.000-05:00

I've had a feelin' I've been bein' watched for days now. You know that tingly, hair standin' up on the back of your neck type a feelin'?

Well, while I was uploading pictures from our second Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches Party (pictures comin' soon), I looked up to see Tina all eyeballin' me. Strangest damn thing and kinda creepy. She's been turnin' up in the oddest danged places. Luckily I had my camera nearby so I was able to catch her before she was off......

I'ma do my best to catch this fine furry feline, but she's a quick little wolfcat mama....

BEST Christmas Present EVER

2009-12-29T22:02:00.005-05:00

Not only do I love my mama wolf cat Christmas present (she even has little teets!).....so does our dog.

I'm cryin'. Tears. Down my face.

Three Days Left

2009-12-22T10:05:00.004-05:00

...and I'm finally in the Christmas spirit. I've only been partially there, then for a minute there, I was totally NOT there. I wanted to burn Christmas down to the ground. I had to force it on myself. I had to blare Christmas music in the car and sing it really, really loud......fist pumpin' and all.

I had to get over how much those stupid fuckin' reindeer antlers people are puttin' on their cars piss me off. Then we went to see Christmasy stuff at Stone Mountain. That did the trick. Hundreds of thousands of Christmas lights'll always do the trick. I don't know what it is about colorful, shiny, sparkly shit, but it always makes me happy.

So, I've finally come around......and there's only three days left. Only THREE days! NOOOOOOO!!!! I need more! I call do over. Rewind. Back that shit up. I got a lot of obnoxious Christmasy behavior to pack into a small amount of time. Maybe I should go buy myself an awesome Christmas sweater. I don't get these "ugly sweater" parties people are havin'. Ugly? Psht......fuckin' awesome's more like it.

Maybe I should go buy myself some reindeer antlers. Not the kind you put on your car (no matter how Christmasy I may be feelin', that shit's totally for douche bags), but the kind you put on your head.

Ok, so that's takin' things a bit far, but dang.....I gotta make it up somehow. Any suggestions?

Stupid.

2009-12-17T09:48:00.009-05:00

I haven't been writing lately. I haven't been answerin' my phone or respondin' to emails a whole lot either.....I know. I've been busy tryin' to build a time machine so I could slow down time and actually enjoy the holidays. So far, it hasn't worked. Stupid time machine.

Everything seems to be in fast forward around Christmas time and I hate it. I can't seem to slow things down and enjoy it all. I decorated the house early. Got the presents wrapped and under the tree early. Everything certainly looks festive, but I just ain't feelin' it. Stupid time all goin' by too fast.

I really feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. It's been building for months now and I've been pretty successful at stavein' it off. Hopefully I can keep it up, but it's gettin' harder and harder. Is this what depression is?!?!? If it is, stupid depression.

My house is a mess. Everything from my basement is STILL in my dining room from the flood.....or in our case floods....and you know how you just feel better in a neat clean place? Stupid torrential rain.

I'm afraid if I start movin' the bigger awkward things back down, I'll end up takin' a head first spill down the stairs. Every time I think about doin' it, I just think there ain't no way I can move all that heavy shit that everything else goes on without me fallin' down the stairs. Stupid wonky ass fallin' down problem.

Yeah...I fall. Like all the time. Just this mornin' as a matter of fact. There's leaves all over our drive way. Wet, nasty leaves. I was all walkin' along and then ffftttt.....feet came out from underneath me and I was on the driveway. Awesome. I just sat there for a minute and cried. Yep....meltdown....it's comin'....I can feel it. I didn't cuss. I didn't scream at the leaves for bein' stupid....I just sat there and cried. Stupid wet fuckin' leaves on the driveway. Stupid driveway.

Here's the problem.....I've been really, really lonely these days despite the fact that people are always around. One very important person just ain't around anymore.....even when he's in the same room as me, he just ain't there. My mostest bestest friend......M....I....A......and I have no control over it. None. Take control away from a control freak and that's a sure fire meltdown.

I've soaked in everyone's depressin' ass bullshit so much these days that I'm just barely managin' my own bullshit. I'm on bullshit overload. I'd really just like to disappear for a little while and come back when things are better.

You make your own happiness and you make your own misery. It's gettin' harder and harder to make happy and that's just stupid.

Changes

2009-12-10T14:35:00.005-05:00

I ain't so good at change. I hate change. Change makes me panic.

On that note, I'm about to make a pretty big change.......for me anyways. I'm gonna be leavin' blogger soon for my own .com. I'm nervous. I'm totally freakin' out. It's the unknown and I don't do unknown. Hell, I can't even figure out unknown!

You ever feel totally retarded when it comes to computer stuff? I do. All the time. Totally retarded. I can't figure out shit. Even the most minute change can leave me a droolin' mess on the floor. Luckily, I have Brandy. She can do anything....I mean ANYTHING. She's always helped me with all my computer issues. You need retarded help with website/blog stuff....she's your lady. You need a website/blog built.....she's your lady. She's gonna help me build my new blog and even host it for me. Host? What does that even MEAN!?!? I dunno, but luckily she does.

I'm freakin' out over this, but she said do it, so I am. Well, mostly she's gonna be the one doin' it, but I'm gonna be in there somewhere.

What if I forget to pay the domain name when it's time too? How are all my followers gonna follow me now? How will I follow all the people I follow? How will I maintain a website? Can I still track visitors? Do I delete my blog at blogspot? I'll have ANOTHER password to remember!

Oh sweet jesus.......I think I just busted a vein.

Yeah, Weird....I Dunno

2009-12-09T08:08:00.014-05:00

I saw an itsy-bitsy bug walkin' on the bathroom floor this mornin' all wobbly and shit and thought, "wow, he must be blind and deaf....or drunk". On closer inspection, it was just a piece of fuzz.

I was lockin' my front door once and sneezed.....a piece of carrot came flyin' out my nose, hit the door and bounced back hittin' me in the face. Where'd that carrot been hidin'???

I took this picture at the Tellus Museum in the little train town cases.

I totally pretended I lived in this little town. I had a whole life. Really, I did. I used to see a plane flyin' overhead and would think about myself bein' on it flyin' somewhere totally awesome.

I've been on a pancake makin' kick lately. Every time I make 'em I sing Sarah McLaughlin songs. I hate Sara McLaughlin.

I talk to my plant at work. It's all gettin' big and has pretty shiny leaves. I thought, "dang, talkin' to plants totally works!....just look at how shiny the leaves are!"......turns out the plant lady sprayed some shiny leaf shit on it. I still talk to my plant.

The first (and last) time I ever smoked weed from a bong, it was a total disaster. I blew into it instead of inhaling. How the hell else was I suppose to make it all bubble up??? The only way I could ever make bubbles in my coke was to blow in the straw. Bong water went all over me and I smelled. The hippies were pissed off at me. Stupid hippies.

I almost died the other day. I've been all snotty and stopped up for like 3 weeks now. I had ran outta tissues so I just snorted it all up.....a big fat booger ball hit the back of my throat and I down near choked. Luckily, I coughed it out before I passed out. It looked pretty gross sittin' there on the floor.

Have you ever listened to the lyrics to that Christmas song Baby It's Cold Outside? I mean like, really listened? The chick just wants to leave and the dude don't wanna let her. She's all talkin' about how everyone in her family's gonna be all worried and stuff. The dude convinces her to stay for half a drink more, then she's all "say, what's in this drink".....REALLY???? Dude totally put a roofie in her drink! What's Christmasy about that song!??!?

Totally random. Yep.

Yee HAW! Gonna Meet the Pioneer Woman Tonight!!!

2009-12-07T10:19:00.012-05:00

****SECOND UPDATE****

Pioneer Woman won't be speakin' tonight. Only signin'.

****UPDATE**** 2:30 p.m.

Just called Borders. Pioneer Woman has moved signing up to 6:00 p.m. Boarders started handin' out colored wristbands at 9 this mornin' to guarantee your spot in line. YOU MUST HAVE A WRISTBAND!!! They're now on they're THIRD color of wristbands, and have never used more than one color at any other book signing! I had planned on gettin' there around 4ish so I could have a decent spot in line, but after this whole wristband thing, I ain't goin'.....sad face..... Ain't no way in hell I can sit in line until what is at this point gonna be 1 or 2 a.m with a whole bunch of mom bloggers all talkin' about baby snot and shit.....dammit....lame. I was SOOOOO excited!!!

Dear Ree,

I love your blog, like a whole lot. I love your kids faces and Marlboro Man's too. I love your funny way of writin', all your pretty photos and especially the recipes, because well....I love food. I will get your cookbook. I really, really wanted to meet you and have our picture taken together....we both have red hair (you did at least up until recently!) and we could totally make hair babies......but I just gotta get home at a decent time. I work and if I don't get enough sleep, I am one crabby, bitchy broad and my boss don't like that. Also there is this issue I have with bein' around a bunch of gloatin' mom bloggers....they make me wanna poke my eyeballs out. I just can't do it.

Go eat at the Varsity.......get a chili slaw dog and a pc. Good shit I tell ya, good shit.

I'm so sad.

Love,

Jessica

A year or so ago a Brandy over at Not So Average Mama told me about this blog called The Pioneer Woman. She said it was all about this lady who lives on a ranch somewhere and does ranch type stuff....it was really interesting, and I really needed to check it out.

Lame. That's what I thought, but what Brandy says to do, I pretty much do.

She was right. Once I started readin', I couldn't stop.

There were some of the most beautiful photos I'd ever seen and an entire section with photo tips....which I totally haven't tried, because just readin' them alone makes my brain go all fuzzy....that and I don't have the photo editing program she has.

I was immediately hooked on her Black Heels to Tractor Wheel series, which tells the story of her (who at the time, was a chick who was raised in a golf course community and was probably a total spoiled brat) and her rancher husband meetin' and fallin' in love. A city girl meets and falls in love with a cowboy. Ugh.....I'm SUCH a sucker for love stories.

So reminded me of my love for Lucchese boots.....and because of her, I have my very own pair and wear them as much as humanly possible.......

I've also cooked several things in her cookin' section. My favorite is the Crash Hot Potatos.....best shit ever.......

Hope she doesn't mind...I totally stole this picture from her site.

Last Christmas, Jeremy and I were using her recipe for beef tenderloin and he suggested we do somethin' a specific way and I can remember sayin', "No! That's not how Pioneer Woman said to do it!" I knew then that I had a problem.

I've actually cooked quite a few of her recipes and now, in addition to her Tasty Kitchen recipe site, she's put out a cookbook.......AND..........she's totally gonna be in Atlanta for a book signin' TONIGHT and I'm totally goin'!

In case you're wonderin', she'll be at Borders on Peachtree Road in Atlanta tonight at 7:30.

Winter Swap Meet at Jailhouse Choppers!

2009-12-04T11:46:00.010-05:00

Don't you hate it when it gets all cold outside and all the swap meets seem to disappear? Yeah well, Jailhouse Choppers is steppin' up to satisfy your need for a winter swap meet.....this Sunday, December 6th from 1o a.m. to 5 p.m.

Come out and buy some stuff for your winter project (whether it be a bike or a hot rod) and meet Pauly and Trafton and the rest of the Jailhouse team.....

FREE FOR VENDORS AND SPECTATORS! NO COVER CHARGE!!!

YOU GOT MOTORCYLE OR VINTAGE CAR PARTS YOU'DE LIKE TO SELL? CALL NOW TO RESERVE YOUR FREE SPOT! (770)978-8977

MOTORCYCLES, MOTORCYCLES PARTS, AND VINTAGE CAR PARTS ONLY! PLEASE NO LEATHER, JEWELRY, OR OTHER NOVELTY TYPE ITEMS, UNLESS THEY ARE VINTAGE.

You got questions, they got answers........

The Stand In.....

2009-12-01T22:46:00.003-05:00

Crisis averted......she totally fell for it.....or at least she pretended to.

This is how it all went down.....

I stopped at TJ Maxx on the way home and grabbed this way cute little elf. There's a whole lotta cuteness to match it that I wanted to buy too, but this is one broke bitch, and the elf was a necessity.

I got home and said to the girl, "I got the weirdest voicemail today at work. It said.....Collect call from the North Pole, press 1 to accept". Keep in mind that I am the WORLD'S WORST liar. This was no small feat for me. The girl was all, "MOM!!! That coulda been Little Jimmy callin' to explain why he ain't here on time, and YOU missed the call!"......

"Ain't no way it can be this easy" I thought. There is NO way the girl's fallin' for this shit. She calls me out on EVERYTHING and she don't do it subtly. She all bob's her head and holds up that one finger sayin' she ain't no dummy.....she's always on to me. It was really strange how she was just fallin' for it all.....

So, once I was certain she was fast asleep, I pulled out stand-in elf (which I named Pistu (peestoo) after a boy's imaginary friend in a book I recently read), got a piece of paper and started to think of what to write for an explanation as to why this freakish lookin' elf is here in place of Little Jimmy.

I feel that any time you can teach a kid a lesson, you should., so I could come up with somethin' that could learn the kid somethin'. You know, somethin' that the girl would think "wow, if it can happen to one of Santa's elves, it can happen to ANYONE!"

Hmmm.....

Little Jimmy had one too many at the good ol' North Pole bar and was in a drunk drivin' accident that luckily he survived, but just barely so he's in the hospital until he heals and once he does he's goin' to jail......

Little Jimmy fell prey to an online stalker that had finally convinced him to meet him in person.......

Little Jimmy took some drugs an elf friend gave him and has been hallucinating and pickin' at his face for the past 3 weeks and lost his job because of it.......

Ok, so maybe usin' a Christmas Elf to teach some sorta lesson ain't the best idea I've ever had. Obviously, the girl wants to believe in this whole elf that reports to Santa nightly thing so much that she's goin' along with all my lies. There ain't NO WAY in hell she doesn't know what's really up. No way! So if the kid wants to believe in magic and fantasy who the hell am I to ruin it for her with stories of drunk drivin', internet pervs or drugs? She can just go right on believin' because I ain't gonna be the one to fuck it all up for her......well, at least not until she gets into middle school anyhow.

So the story goes.....Little Jimmy's ol' lady Aimee had their first baby so Lil' Jim couldn't make it. He's sorry and hopes the kids won't be too disappointed. Yeah. So goes the story.

Now, I'm totally not a mornin' person. I just wanna do what I gotta do and not be looked at or talked to. I knew this mornin' though that the girl was gonna have some talkin' to do havin' seen this new stand-in. I had to gear myself up for it.

I walk into the kitchen and the second the girl hears me she yells, "MOM! I know what that call you got at work yesterday was about!" I say "call? what call?". She says, "you know the one that was from the North Pole! Come see! He looks weird! It's a different elf! Come see! There's even a note!" I ask what the note says.....she says "I dunno, I can't read cursive yet!". I grumble and stomp....just a little.....and head towards the livin' room tyrin' to pretend I'm as shocked and as excited as she is. Did I mention that I'm totally not a morning person?

Crisis averted.

APB....Little Jimmy is Missing!!!

2009-12-01T11:25:00.005-05:00

It's December 1st and Little Jimmy shoulda made his first appearance at the house this morning. Evidently, I hid Little Jimmy so good that last time last year that even I can't find him. This is no bueno.
Little Jimmy is an Elf on the Shelf. We read the book, he shows up in a different spot every morning and watches and reports back to Santa every night. Seriously.

The boy gets it. He knows. The elf ain't nothin' but a stuffed doll. The girl....she still believes. She was snoopin' around a week or so ago and found the book that Little Jimmy is SUPPOSED to be stuffed in after Christmas and said "Mom! Little Jimmy's not in his book! He's gone back to the North Pole to get all his instructions!"

"Dammit. She STILL believes in Little Jimmy", I remember thinkin'.

I mean really, you try comin' up with 30 different hidin' spots for a little elf that won't take your kids more than a few minutes to find every mornin'. Sure, I could go all crazy and shit and put him in kitchen cabinets and the dog's crate and in a kabillion other spots that would have the kids huntin' forever, but I'd be gettin' the kids up at 5 every mornin' so they'd have enough time to find the damn thing.

I have this really old ornament on my tree that bares an eerie resemblance to our Little Jimmy and I considered just pullin' off the tree hopin' the girl wouldn't notice it was just a stand in. I can hear it now though. "That ain't little Jimmy! What's goin' on here? You've got some splainin' to do".

Dammit Little Jimmy. I think you've had enough time gettin' your instructions from Santa. You need to get your ass in gear and get back to the house.

Just Gimme One Squirt

2009-11-21T04:46:00.004-05:00

I'm sick. Again. I'm so over bein' sick. I've spent the past three days whining, snortin' snot down my throat and applying mass amounts of chapstick to keep my lips from crakin' from all the mouth breathin'. It's KILLIN' me. Oh how I despise not bein' able to breathe through my nose. Sudafed doesn't work. Tylenol Sinus doesn't work. Advil Sinus doesn't work. That stupid hair brained idea of a nettipot don't work either. I think everybody that uses one of those and say they actually work are liars. Stupid Oprah lovin' liars.

I'm a miserable baby when I can't breathe outta my nose. I pitch fits that can put a toddler in the throws of the terrible 2's to shame. I mope around punchin' the air outta frustration......I mean in my mind I'm totally punchin' my stopped up nose in the face, but it gets me nowhere....except in a first class seat on the train to lookin' like a total tool land.

I JUST WANT NOSE SPRAY.....I have that shit tucked in every drawer, pocket and nook and cranny in this house and my car....because when I need nose spray.....I NEED nose spray. So why not just reach out and grab some???......because Thanksgiving is only days away and I WILL be able to taste the turkey and dressin', giblet gravy, potatos and green bean casserole. You see, when I start nose pray it's like a two week binge. It starts out slowly......only once ever 12 hours just like the label says. Then it's on to once every 6 hours....then every 3......all the while, I can smell nothin' and I can taste nothin', but I can breathe dammit......

This is the first time in my adult life that I will suffer through a stopped up nose. The first time I will NOT give in to the temptation of nose spray. I won't. No.

But then I look back and this and reconsider. Maybe, just maybe I can use it over the weekend then stop....sha.....right.

You Suck, and That's Sad

2009-11-18T10:11:00.014-05:00

I've tried to not take it personal.....you know....this suckish attitude you've had lately.......but why shouldn't I? When it comes to everybody and everything......I'm the one on the back burner. I feel like I get all the left overs.....if there ever are any. I've tried to be ok, I've tried to hang in there, but I don't like sittin' in the back waitin' to be noticed. I'm an attention whore you know....and nobody puts Baby in the corner.....

I've really worked hard at being a happy, more positive person and you're just bringin' me down. Down, down, down.

You're distracted by too much negativity and quite frankly, my negativity pot cain't hold any more. It's time to get over it. Move along. You're life don't suck so stop fuckin' actin' like it does. I'm still here....on the back fuckin' burner, but I'm still here.

Maybe we can be friends again one day, but until you straighten yourself up, as the girls say to each other on the playground.....you ain't my friend no more.

I miss the old you.....

Hate Da Toe

2009-11-13T12:08:00.008-05:00

How the hell have I NOT heard of this song before?!?!?! It's goin' on the ipod RIGHT NOW!

Speakin' of camel toes....check THIS shit out....

May I introduce to you the cuchini....it's a frickin' camel toe SHIELD y'all!!! Who the hell needs a camel toe shield? If your cookie's all eatin' your pants up, pull that shit out.....or maybe your busted up ass needs to buy some bigger damn pants!

I think I'ma get one to give as a gift at our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches party......so to all ya'll that're readin' this that'll be there (details later), forget I even said that......

Camel toes....it's the new black.

10 Things I Hate A Lot

2009-11-11T12:06:00.000-05:00

Rain. Dear rain god....enough already. The joke's up. We get the message, whatever the hell it may be. I understand we had a lot of catchin' up to do after years of the worst drought our state has seen and I know you're tired of Georgia and Florida fightin' over water rights.....Florida needs water for their clams, Georgia for their people and yes the fight got old, but SHIT.....ENOUGH ALREADY. My back, hands and sanity can't take it anymore. Basements are NOT meant to be lakes.

My eyelids. Every time I wear eyeliner, it transfers itself from just above my lash line to mid eyelid. Bastard eyelids bein' all droopy and shit. Scratch that....bastard eyeliner for suckin' ass and not stayin' where I put that shit.

Goin' to the bathroom and realizin' there's no toilet paper one nanosecond too late.

My husband's job. Dear husband's job, you are causin' way too much stress in Jeremy's life, therefore you are causin' way too much stress in my life. Get your shit together, before this bitch goes postal. (P.S. Although I am VERY grateful he has a job!).

Hard boogies in my nose. It's that time of year. Nose is all dry and crap and you get one of those hangers that are hard as rocks and just can't be blown out so you gotta dig deep and yank that shit out....along with 5 nose hairs. Then you cry. Lame.

People that fuck up and blame it on others. Look, you fucked up....don't make yourself look like a total asshat by tryin' to lay blame elsewhere. That just makes you a loser. Loser.

When people _______ ______ _______and_____ my_______'s _____. When ______totally _______. Yep,________. This is a secret hate. You'll nevvvver knoooowwwww.

Adjusting to less money. You have so much. You depend on it and're used to it. Part of it goes away. Not fun and totally stupid.

When you have some crazy centipede all crawlin' around your house and you get it with toilet paper, flush it and then every time you go to the bathroom for like the next three days you wonder if it's gonna find it's way out and crawl on your butt.

Change. Hate it. Period.

13 Roses 13 Dollar Tattoos!

2009-11-10T11:46:00.013-05:00

Y'all have been lookin' for it and here it is!

Yes, 13 Roses in Atlanta is gonna have another $13 tattoo (plus lucky $7 tip!) this upcoming Friday the 13th!

Turn one of the unluckiest days of the year into your lucky day! You got a $20 bill, you gotta tattoo......

Q & A

What does $20 get you?

A kick ass tattoo by a kick ass artist. On the 13th, the shop will put on the front door a sheet of paper that has the tattoos you can choose from. Don't expect a half sleeve dipshit. It's a $20 tattoo!!! See that 13 on my arm? That's what I got last time.....

....and this taco (mmmm tacos)....it's what I got another time..... and that shit's a coupon at Holy Taco in East Atlanta....yep....a coupon.

Does it just cost $13 for the tattoo?

No asshat.....it's $13 tattoos with a $7 tip......$20. You got more than 2o dolla....tip more.

Can I pick any tattoo I want?

No. Like I said before....they'll post a sheet of paper with what you can choose from on the front door the day of.

Can I call the shop the day before and find out what tattoos I can choose from?

Uh, no. they put that shit on the front door on the 13th.

Can I call the shop to set up an appointment?

No you can't. It's first come, first serve. You show up, put your name on the list and wait for your turn.

How long is the wait?

Well, if you're the first person there, you won't have one. I waited about an hour the first time and a couple hours the last time. You're not the only one wantin' a $13 tattoo.....you'll just have to wait your turn.

What the hell am I supposed to do while I wait?

Lucky for you, East Atlanta is FULL of bars. Go downstairs to the Flat Iron. Buy a drink or 10. If you're nice, someone might come down and call out your name when it's your turn...but then again maybe not. Go have a drink, and go back upstairs to check where they are on the list. Keep doin' it 'til it's your turn. Don't complain about the wait.....complainers suck.

Where is 13 Roses in Atlanta?

Do I look like Google? Look it up yourself.

Can I call and ask what tattoos are being offered?

Don't be a dipshit. I told you....they put that shit on the door.

What time can I get there?

The shop opens at 11.

What time do they stop?

Midnight.

...........Ok, that should answer all your questions. If not, tough.

Head down to East Atlanta this Friday and make a night out of it. We always do. Bitches gonna do East Atlanta again. WOOOO!!! AND it's my birthday weekend, so bring presents and look for the chubby girl with gnarly notted red hair. I love presents. I might even give you a hug....well probably not. Hugs are for hippies and I don't want the swine flu so expect me to be totally shitfaced....I'm a firm believer that if you have enough alcohol in your system, cooties can't penetrate your immune system.

WOOOO!!! $13 TATTOOS!!!

Rev Run - Your Words

2009-11-09T10:32:00.001-05:00

Imagine if all your words for the past 24 hrs had been recorded and turned into a transcript. How would it read? Would there be more life than death? Would it include words filled with life that build others up? How much of it would contain grumbling, complaining or even name-calling? (REMEMBER) what comes out of your mouth reveals who you really are. Focus on speaking words of life and blessing! If you change your words, you'll change your life. -(Joyce Meyers)

This first time I read this, I thought of havin' my mouth washed out with soap. You ever have your mouth washed out with soap for sayin' somethin' you weren't supposed to? I totally did. I can't eat ginger at a sushi place because of it.....that shit tastes EXACTLY like Palmolive. (shudder)

I've really tried to adopted a sort of philosophy of gettin' back in return what you put out into the world. Be nice and people will be nice to you. Take positive steps in life and more positive things will come to you. No matter how much somethin' sucks, try to laugh about it. Laughin' makes all kindsa shit better. Everything has a way of workin' themselves out.....eventually....and if you keep your head up.

Life gives to the givers and takes from the takers.....be a giver. It's kinda like my own personal religion. I've heard somethin' of a book about a "Secret" that's along the same lines, but I ain't too fancy on readin' books that ain't about vampires or witches and wands. I also heard this weekend that there's some kinda church that preaches this sorta thing.....you get back from the universe what you put into it. They don't talk about gods or jesus or alibaba....just positive......stuff. Too bad I ain't too keen on goin' to church.

So, what did I learn from Rev Run's lesson today? Smile and the world smiles with you. Laugh and the world laughs with you.....be an asshole and you'll be treated like an asshole.
Some people I know could totally call bullshit on me here, but I try.....most days. I really, really try and dog gone it, it just plain feels good.....even though my left eyeball twitches when I'm tryin' sometimes......like when you're at the grocery store and the lady in front of you is arguin' over the price of a pound of ground beef and you just wanna grab the little separator thing and beat the ever livin' hell outta her......

I really, seriously do try...eye twitch and all......

If You're On Facebook.....

2009-11-05T10:17:00.005-05:00

Go vote for my girl!
She's in an online Halloween costume contest and we're tryin' to win some dernd applesauce!

You can vote once every 24 hours through November 7th. It's easy. Just click the link above, click allow, then thumbs up. That's it! No signin' up, no junk mail, nothin'!!! Just votin'!

WOOOOO!!!

Time Flies Whether You're Havin' Fun or Not

2009-11-02T15:14:00.005-05:00

Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like it took six months just to get from Halloween to Christmas? Now that I'm an adult, it seems like it takes half the time it should to get from one Christmas to the other.

Now, I just wanna get to the weekends. Every Monday it's the same thing....hurry up and get here weekend....and it usually does. Then when Sunday rolls around, I'm wishin' it was still Saturday. Time is escaping me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Time's just goin' way to fast. Does that mean I'm on the downhill slide of life?

Now that Halloween's over, Christmas is gonna be here before I can lick the salt off my lips from the pumpkin seeds. For the past several years I just want one more week before Christmas pounces on me. Just one more pay check. There's just never enough time or money. That's the way I see Christmas now. I hate it. When you're a kid, you just see the presents under the tree, the magic of the lights and decorations and Santa.....now I see the money it costs to put those presents under the tree and that's pretty much it.

I'm gonna try not to be that way this year. It's inevitable though. I'm gonna panic. I love Christmas. I LOVE the lights. I love the smells of all the Christmas candles. I love baking all kindsa shit that's just gonna pack on the lbs. I love it all, but still underneath it all, it just comes and goes too quick.

The store's start packin' in the Christmas trees and decorations before Halloween's even gotten here. You hear everyone say, "Can you believe they already have Christmas stuff in stores?" It seems to get here earlier and earlier and earlier. You'd think that would prolong the Christmas season....no, it just prolongs the panic.

I wanna slow down. I wanna have more time. I've heard it's even worse when you get older. Really? How can that possibly be? I swear, Christmas was just here like 6 months ago. It took me 30 years to get to 30 years, but I think it's just gonna take me 15 years to get to 65......life is just too dadgum short.

I need to take a deep breath. I've been livin' in the fast lane for too long and I think it's time to slow down and smell the roses....or whatever the hell else is bloomin' right now.

Who Doesn't Love Tongue Tacos?

2009-10-26T20:55:00.011-04:00

We had a mexican themed birthday party for a friend of ours......

.....and I wanted to try my hand at cooking something authentic. I've always seen tacos de lengua on the menu at this little mexican joint we frequent. As much I've always wanted to order it (psht, yeah right), I've never actually ordered it in fear of pukin' in front of a bunch of mexicans and them pointin' and laughin' at me. What a better way to try it than cookin' it at home myself?

First you gotta find the cow tongue. Since the Walmart closest to us didn't have tongue, we decided to go to a Walmart that was in Acworth which has quite the mexican population in parts. $9 later I had one big ass fat tongue.

I also bought some fresh cilantro, 6 roma tomatos, a couple jalapenos, fresh garlic and some yellow onions. I already had the spices I wanted to use at home......cumin, oregano, bay leaves (which I ended up not using) and peppercorns.

First thing's first. Get the tongue outta the package. This was the hardest part for me. After I finally stopped all the dry-heavin', I played with it for a while.....still almost pukin'.....

I decided to cook it in the slow cooker so I wouldn't have to watch the water level all day if I chose to boil it. Seriously, about to puke just lookin' at this picture. Crazy mexicans......

Quarter a big yellow onion, slice and take the seeds ('cuz as mexican as I like to pretend to be, I'm one big ass sissy and don't like eatin' food that burns just as much goin' in as it does comin' out), squish up 5-6 cloves of garlic, and chop up half a bunch of cilantro.

Throw it all in the crock pot with an ass ton of cumin, chili powder, cracked peppercorns, a bit of salt and oregano and a dash of cayenne pepper. Cover with water and put crop on low for about 8 hours.

For some reason I expected the whole house to smell likes ass, ok I mean tongue, if tongue had a smell, I was certain it'd smell like ass......The house actually smelled awesome.....all mexican like and stuff.

8 hours later, it was time for the worst part....peeling the skin off the meat. Uaackkkk. <-----totally my pukin' sound.

It turned out to not be as bad as I thought. I expected it to all come off in one tough layer, but it was more like pullin' the skin off a cooked piece of salmon. There were also some bits of tongue vessels that had to be removed.......(uacckkkk).

Shredding the tongue was pretty much the only option since it cooked so long in a crockpot. I'd rather eat shredded tongue over chunked tongue anyday.

Next, I chopped up the romas, half of another onion, another 5 cloves of garlic and another jalapeno.

Heat about 2 Tbls. of oil in a pan and add all the chopped veggies. Once the tomatos started gettin' soft, I added a cup of tongue stock and let it simmer a bit to get the onions a little softer.

Then I added the shredded tongue. Bickety bam....you got yourself some beef brisket for tacos......that's what I told everyone it was anyhow.

Once I finally remembered I had cooked this stuff, I was half lit so I forgot to take any pictures of the final product in it's fancy taco form. It really did taste EXACTLY like beef brisket that had been flavored all mexican. No funky ass gamey taste that I expected.No weird consistency. I will admit thought since I knew what it was I kinda had a hard time eating it at first, but everybody really liked it.......

....then I told 'em it was tongue. No one flipped out and some people were totally fine with it, but still the look on a couple people's faces were priceless.....they totally just ate tongue.

A Little Bit of Halloween

2009-10-26T11:16:00.010-04:00

Friday we took the kids to a car dealership for a Halloween party. Honestly, I just wanted to go for the free Hooters hot wings and save myself a night of cookin' dinner. I'm so over cookin' dinner (Even though I totally cooked cow tongue over the weekend....stay tuned!).

Last year the girl won first place in the costume contest and won a $100 gift card to Target. I was all "WOO HOO...I'm goin' shoppin' at Target". She was all "uh, no mom....I won, you didn't." So I was all....."Yeah well, I bought that shit you're wearin' and I put your makeup on and I drove you to damn contest....so WOO HOO....I'm goin' shoppin' at Target!"

I got a pack of gum.

This year, she got second place. She was disappointed her gift card was only $35. I told her if she complained again, I was gonna hand it over to the kid in the dirty poodle costume, because not only did it look like she needed it, she would probably appreciate it. She shut up then.

The boy decided not to dress up this year. Well, I guess it'd be kinda hard to dress up when his costume hasn't come in yet. He'd totally have worn it otherwise I'm sure. I love this picture....I'm not sure what he was yellin' at.

He could be yellin' at the same to shit ass kids I had to yell at for throwin' hay on the hay ride. I hate bein' that parent...you know the one that's all mean and shit to someone else's kids. Maybe if their fat assed uncle all hangin' out with his front butt coulda got on the ride with them, he coulda yelled at 'em instead...but no....he was too fat. All I gotta say is I don't blame that man for slappin' that screamin' ass kid in Walmart.

My kids however, are always PERFECT in public.....

Once we left, we decided to take the kids to the "haunted" covered bridge in Smyrna. (Picture borrowed.....we went at night.)

There's all kindsa stories floatin' around about this bridge. Somethin' about witches bein' hung there and hauntin' the bridge, ghosts of water babies that were buried by the creek and one about puttin' a candy bar on the roof of your car, turnin' off your headlights and hearin' the feet of ghost children comin' up to get the candy bar. Uh....yeah. You turn your lights off while your on the ONE lane covered bridge, there's a good chance your ass'll be hautin' the place one day, because you'll probably die when someone crashes into you.

The boy was SUPER excited about goin'. He loves paranormal ghostly stuff. The scarier the better. He was very quiet. Very serious. Very ready to see somethin' awesome. The girl was on the verge of hyperventilating. She was sobbin'. Beggin' to turn around. Beggin' to just go home.

We drove through very slowly and Jeremy and I both screamed at the same time scarin' the ever livin' shit outta both the kids. It was total awesomeness.

Weekend Review

2009-10-20T11:20:00.007-04:00

I saw Scott H. Biram play this weekend at the Star Bar. He sang his last song totally nekkid. I mean really...standin' there basically eye level with his junk all hangin' out....It was kinda weird, uncomfortable and awesome all at the same time.

He just so happened to drop trow right after I said "TAKE YER PANNIES OFF!" Did this line (which I tend to always scream out at shows) finally work or was it pure coincidence? I'll never know. It was awesome either way.

Before the show, I also went to Netherworld haunted house with a bunch of bitches.

We spent our time in line drinkin' Jack Daniels with potato chip chasers (sounds gross, but try that shit!) so I pretty much got shitfaced beforehand hopin' it would keep me from gettin' the ever livin' shit scared outta me. All it did was make me wanna puke my guts up on this twirly tunnel bridge thing (which I'm pretty sure it woulda done to me shitfaced or not).

The last time I went to a haunted house, I was 12 and it scarred me. It was absolutely terrifying, so I assumed this top ranked haunted house was gonna leave me pretty damaged. The anticipation of being scared was way worse than the actual attempts to scare. Believe me, I screamed like a big ol' black girl hollerin' "oh girl, donchoo go in that basement, you gonna DIIIIEEEE", but really, I expected SO much more.

On Saturday, I attempted to take the kids to the Little 5 Points Halloween parade, but 30 minutes after we got there the girl, havin' been sick the previous day, started feelin' pretty crappy again so we had to leave. I felt awful for both the kids. The L5P parade is always somethin' we all really look forward to and this was the first year in many that we've missed it. It's better than any other parade around......It definitely ain't your standard family parade. Random Atlanta says "Seriously people, don’t miss out on going down to L5P for this. Little Five is known to be a bit alternative, but when it is this time of the year, it gets down right wacky". I hate that we missed it this year, but there's always next year.

Once Saturday evening came rollin' around the kids felt up to goin' to Halloween thing at the local Baskin Robbins. I think the nasty winter like weather kept everyone from goin' out because it wasn't so awesome. A free scoop of ice cream and fifteen minutes later, we were back home again.

That was pretty much it for the weekend. I meant to do other things, like get everything back in our basement or make a few bears for a craft show I'm doin' in a few weeks, but.......no.

This comin' up weekend is gonna be another crazy hectic one. We have a Halloween thing to take the kids to on Friday (free food and jumpy things, woooo!) and some runnin' around to do on Saturday before a birthday party we're havin' at our house for a friend that night....stay tuned for pictures!

Always Changin'

2009-10-16T09:21:00.027-04:00

All these........

Have been replaced with these.......

A few years back, I had a thing for Publix brand Ginger Ale, but this? This shit BURNS sooooo good....

I have this......

....but I wanna move on to this......

The was my best friend, always full of gin and tonic.....

...but I've moved on to the pink drknk. This shit's AMAZING and before you know it, you're on the ground......

I used to shake my ass to this......

(so I still shake it to this, but after their drummer was a TOTAL douche bag to me, I've lost a little bit of that lovin' feelin')

...but now I'm more inclined to shake my ass to this.....

I don't deal so well with change, but sometimes change is for the better....and it's inevitable.

I Hit A Retard Once and Haven't Been the Same Since

2009-10-14T14:54:00.005-04:00

When I was in school, I was a proud member (the only member as it turns out) of the pickin' on people police. I hated seein' people get picked on. I had been known to go to extremes whenever I saw someone pickin' on somebody else. It started with me just runnin' my mouth at whoever the aggressor was. Then I moved on to hittin' people with rulers and eventually desk chairs. I hated bullies.

As much as I felt bad for some people and would stand up for them no matter what, I totally knocked a retard to the ground once. He wore a helmet, he had big ass buck teeth and he kinda shuffled when he walked. Bless his heart. Yeah, No....

Retarded dude was a TOTAL perv. My first encounter with his little gnarly rovin' hands was him grabbin' my butt. I turned around all giggly thinkin' it'd be one of my boys...and came to a screeching halt when I saw retard boy's bucktoothed retard smile. I'm sure I said somethin' along the lines of "your a funny little man" and turned back around.

Not two weeks later, retard boy grabbed my tit. Wha? At this point I probably said to his retard bucktoothed smilin' face somethin' like "C'mon retard boy, you know you can't be doin' that" and I went on about my business. He was retarded after all. Maybe all this was part of his retardness. Uh, no.

The next day, we had a fire drill and the entire school flocked out to the lawn. As I stood there talkin' to somebody, retard boy comes and and takes a grab at my VAGINA. I said nothin'. I just closed my fist and swung retard style with all my might and nailed retard boy in his retard helmet, knockin' him to the ground. I was furious and disgusted. Retard or not, you can't be all grabbin' on my vagina. He laid there for a bit and flopped around like a fish before his keeper realized what was goin' on. I went to the office, but what were they gonna do? He GRABBED MY VAGINA and people saw it. I got a talkin' to about not hittin' people and was let go.

I had to turn in my pickin' on people police badge that day and haven't been the same since.

I Just Don't Know

2009-10-07T11:18:00.006-04:00

After weeks of lookin', the boy finally decided he wanted to dress up as Dead Pool for Halloween this year.....

Some little ol' lady in a dank basement in Japan is custom sewin' one to fit him. It's basically a one piece red and black leotard and bless his heart, I know he's got this image in his head of how he's gonna look all bad ass with swords and guns and shit, but honestly, he's gonna look more like one of them creepy skinny dudes at a Cirque du Soleil show.

Oh Lord please help me.

I always want to be the supportive mom. Wear what ya want, do what ya want....as long as it doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else. That's what I've always said. As a mom, I don't want my kids to ever feel like I'm judging them negatively because of what they love to wear.

I'm ok with the fact that he's still gonna be wearin' costumes to Dragoncon when he's 40, but at 14....wearin' a red and black leotard and trickertreatin'. I'm not too sure about that. I know it's so much better than what so many other kids are doin' at 14.......I mean when I was 14......yeah, well......

I think I'll go to one of those Halloween shops and buy him a muscle man suit to put under his leota.......I mean....Mean BAD ASS Dead Pool Costume. Yes, yes....I will.

Hot Rodz & Hillbillyz III

2009-10-05T14:54:00.012-04:00

My car was packed up to the ceiling and the trunk was stuffed, everybody had made it to the house on time and we were on our way to the third annual Hot Rodz & Hillbillyz show. My car however had another idea of what she would be doin' with her Saturday and it didn't involve drivin' a dirt track.

On the way to get gas, I knew somethin' wasn't right. When we stopped to fill 'er up, she was done.....she was dumpin' gas outta the carburetor. It took me 30 minutes and the help of jumper cables to finally get her started and get her back home.

No dirt track for me this year. I was heart broken. Devastated. She did so good her first year and the second year we girls packed in like sardine's goin' down the track listenin' to Peaches and Tone Loc. Memorieeeeees.

We packed up the 4Runner and headed out again. Despite the rough start, we had a kick ass time as always.......

The drive there is always so nice.

Boys and their burnouts.

They had karaoke this year and we all sang somethin' together. I forget what, but I bet it sucked.....I mean I bet it was AWESOME.

Here's Pauly doin' his version of "When I Think About You I Touch Myself".....and he totally touches himself.....

No sure about this dude....he wasted beer on a monkey.....

Nothin' like fancy Alabama water out of a mason jar......

The dirt track.....

...and look, I found someone nice enough to let me take his truck down the track. WOOOOOOO.....

Don't know who this is, but I love the picture....

My hot ass man.......

Wow....not sure.........can't believe I handed my camera over to someone.....

Jello shots!

A BWB Supporter!

It was such a gorgeous day.

After a brief skirmish, we were all banished to our little campsite for the night. Thank god there was a fire. I had so much mud on me and I was cold as heyellll.

Chewy and I were totally gonna go out gangsta style, but I just went to sleep instead. (HA! Sleep....psht, right)........

Right before I headed for our tent, I snapped this picture of the moon.....

Another fun year and H&H.....here's 'til next year......

She Lied

2009-10-05T10:42:00.011-04:00

I was thirsty. She said she had water.

"I thought water normally came in plastic bottles", I said.

"Yeah it does, but I'm reducing my carbon footprint on our precious mother earth".

"This water don't smell right".
"I think you mighta got it confused with kerosene. I better taste it to make sure......."

"Most definitely kerosene".

I drank a lot of "that" water Saturday. Some plain, some with lemons, some with cherries.....It all tasted exactly the same.

My esophagus is raw, my stomach lining has been burnt away and I still got the shakes.

Jesus musta known what that Alabama water'd do to me, because it's rainy and overcast today. I'm sure the sun would feel like sonic laser beams piercing my eyeballs.

Thank you jesus.

Jailhouse Choppers Free Beer Bike Night!

2009-09-30T11:13:00.013-04:00

No, you didn't read it wrong. It says free beer bike night.....and free FOOD courtesy of Dog of Two Dogs Fuckin'. Yeah, weird name but whatever. This dood can cook like nobody's freakin' business. AND by free food, I ain't just talkin' wieners and pretzels either. I'm talkin' about some damn fine eatin' like grilled chicken.....and stew....and beans. Oh sweet jesus, my mouth's all waterin'.

The night starts at 7:30 and runs 'til everybody leaves. They have prize raffles, a 50/50 raffle and you can also buy a $10 ticket (or 5 for $35) for the chance to win a 1973 Triumph Board Tracker which'll be raffled off sometime this month.

Jailhouse and Twisted Throttle Choppers alternate every other Wednesday which shop's gonna have bike night, so call the shop ahead of time to make sure which it is. They're number's 770-978-8977.

The music's good, the food is excellent and the company's even better. So, call your friends, get on your bikes and head down to see Pauly and Trafton at Jailhouse TONIGHT bitches!

3685 Hewatt Court, Suite I, Snellville 30039

I Really, Really Do

2009-09-29T14:21:00.010-04:00

I love you more than a fat chick loves crinkle fries dipped in ranch dressin'.

I love you more than EMO boys love girl pants.

I love you more than all the illegals love comin' here and havin' anchor babies.

I love you more than flies love poo.

I love you more than a meth addict loves pickin' at their skin.

I love you more than that girl takin' my order at McDonald's loves suckin' her teeth.

I love you more than an epileptic loves a helmet.

I love you more than Little Vin loves lickin' on Bruiser's lipstick.

I love you more than a cheap hooker loves the morning after pill.

I love you more than a hipster loves their white fake Ray Ban's and beat up Chuck T's.

I love you more than white people love throwin' 80's themed parties.

I love you more than a virgin in denial loves talkin' about their STD.

I love you more than most people love actin' like they give a crap about homeless people.

I love you more than a hypochondriac loves goin' to the doctor.

I love you more than a biker loves his "the bitch fell off" shirt.

I love you more than all the people in E. Atlanta love PBR.

I do, I really, really do.....

Trash Can of Death

2009-09-25T13:30:00.009-04:00

The boy takes the trash out to the road for pick up. It's his job. This morning though, he came back in the house and said the trash can was too heavy for him to move. I said somethin' about maybe he should eat more Wheaties and then I went outside to move it up to the road myself.

Turns out, after the 20.37 inches of rain we had last week, the trash can was full of about 800 gallons of water, plus the trash. I pushed and pulled and heaved and hoed and finally got the sumbitch to move.

No shit, that thing weighed more than I do and since our driveway is on a slight incline, I was havin' one helluva a time tryin' to get it up to the road. I remembered thinkin' "dammit, I JUST straightened my bangs. Now I'm gonna be all sweaty and shit and I'll have to do it again"....and just about then, the evil trash can came topplin' backwards on top of me.

My knee gave out and hit the driveway. My face got acquainted with the back side of the trash can and I couldn't free one of my hands from the handle, so it dragged along the concrete.

The best part? The gallons and gallons of puke smellin' trash can juice that gushed out.

Standin' there covered in the trash can juice, I flipped the fuck out. You ever heard one of your neighbors cussin' out a trash can? Mine hadn't either........until today.

Once I righted my glasses back on my face, I noticed the blood drippin' from my hand and I went back to hollerin' and cussin....and kickin'....and some other sweet ass kungfuery type moves. The boy just stood there all wide eyed and finally broke me of my fit pitchin' by askin' if I was ok. "No, no I don't think so....go get Mama her whiskey".......kiddin' y'all...just kiddin'.

I hobbled back into the house and cleaned myself up. The soap burned my hand SO bad. Bandaids, lots and lots of bandaids. I went upstairs to change my clothes and decided I didn't give a shit if my bangs were straight or not.

I headed back down the stairs with my bandaged up hand, scratched glasses and throbbin' face. I found the boy wearing latex gloves that were at least four times too big for him and he was puttin' all the trash can juice covered junk back in the trash can. Bless his heart. Right then, a tear rolled down my cheek. It was the sweetest thing he'd ever done for me.

It took him and I both to get the thing back upright. It was only 8:30 in the monrin' and I had just gotten my ass handed to me by the trash can of death. We got in the car to take the boy on to school and I had to just sit for a minute.....a/c on high and breathe. My bandaids were doin' a bad job, I'm certain to have a black eye and even though I changed my clothes and freshened up, I still smelled like trash can juice.

Awesome.Sauce.

Rain, Rain, Go Away.....

2009-09-22T10:43:00.010-04:00

Atlanta and most all the surrounding areas were completely under water yesterday.

(This picture was taken Monday afternoon.....minus Kanye of course!)

Sunday, this was the main road just off the street we live on. We thought it was pretty bad. It got much worse.

We woke up Monday morning to a busted water heater and a little water in our basement. Even though the rain had continued through the night, the street had cleared up and school hadn't been cancelled as I'd expected it would've been.

I took the kids to school and by the time Jeremy (who had already taken the day off so he could have a nice relaxin' day off.....HA!) and I headed out to buy a new hot water heater the road had flooded again. It was STILL raining. When we got home, our basement had started takin' in water. We had two friends come over to help move everything outta the basement (just in the nick of time!) and Jeremy's dad came over to help install the hot water heater while Jeremy started vacuuming the water up.

I knew things were only gonna get worse so at 12:30 my friend Chewy and I headed to pick up the kids from school which are both less than three miles from the house. I got the girl with no trouble.....just an insane downpour of rain. On the way to get the boy, the road had flooded in two places. A truck that was in front of us plowed right through it, so I put it in 4 hi and followed. By the time I got the boy and headed back, the road was completely impassible. The places I had just come through were blocked off by fire trucks and there were stalled cars.

I tried half a dozen different ways home, all of which were impassible. I about lost my mind.

Four and a half hours later, we made it home.

The entire basement flooded by then. We had two shop vacs goin' and we were barely makin' a dent in the water. Jeremy had been at it for hours. So much for that relaxin' day off.

Without the help of Jeremy's dad and our friends Big Butt Chad and Chewy, we would probably still not have hot water and a lot of the shit in the basement would have water damage. We are eternally grateful for their help.....and grateful for the friends that were willing to head out in the flood of the century to help.

Our basement is still wet and smells a little sour and our kitchen/dining room are overflowing with all the furniture and stuff that we had to bring up.

The house next door had a virtual river in their back yard. Just two houses down, the creek completely took over a neighbor's basement. There are houses just up the road that were submerged in water up to their windows. Cars and even children that have been swept away.

We are lucky, lucky, lucky.

.....and there's more rain comin'.

The Back Burner

2009-09-17T10:30:00.009-04:00

That's where I am right now. I've put my own life on the back burner.

You can never correct what you don't confront and there's no better time than now.......so when the fuck's now gonna get here? There's always somethin' from the outside creepin' its way to the inside and for some fucked up reason those outside things have become priorities.

I just barely scraped the surface and this is what I found.

All the most important things have been slipping. It's not fair and it's not right. It's always,"well, right after this happens and that's done, we'll get back on track". The this's and that's just keep on fuckin' comin' don't they?

The line's been driftin' for way too fuckin' long, it's time to reel that shit back in. It's time to stop makin' the outside more important than the inside before we forget all together. We are all we got.

The winds of change better be startin' to blow.

I Miss It

2009-09-14T13:55:00.017-04:00

I miss the way things used to be.

I miss the yard bein' all pretty and stuff, but I just don't give a shit if there's weeds overwhelmin' my flower beds. I ain't got time for that shit.

I miss having a spotless house, but I just ain't got the time for that shit either.

I miss havin' the time for that shit.

I miss my feet in your lap.

I miss only goin' grocery shoppin' twice a month and you always bein' there to help unload the car.

I miss havin' nothin' to do on the weekends.

I miss calzone and Sopranos night.

I miss talkin' about stuff that has nothin' to do with motorcycles or how much work sucks.

I miss just gettin' in the car and goin'....nowhere in particular.

I miss sittin' on the front porch talkin'.

I miss sittin' down with the kids and doin' holiday crafts....like makin' angels and turkeys with their hands.

I miss decoratin' the house for Halloween sooner than a week before Halloween.

I miss bein' able to complain about bein' bored.

I miss listenin' to awesome music and paintin' shit on the walls.

I miss openin' up the windows and lettin' the fall breeze in the house.

I miss you cookin' good food for me all the time (you know food ain't just the way to a man's heart).

I miss always bein' one step ahead.

I miss havin' help with cleanin' the house.

I miss my normal.

Drive Invasion 2009

2009-09-08T19:46:00.028-04:00

On Sunday, we all got up at the ass crack o' dawn to get ready to head down to Drive Invasion. Even though I went to bed around midnight I probably had maybe 4 hours of sleep because I was so excited.

I dragged ass, made breakfast for everyone and checked to make sure we had everything loaded in the car that we needed. The plan was to leave at 8am sharp. I'm sure our neighbors loved us. Eight o'clock in the mornin' and we had a several bikes and my loud as car idlin' in the cul-de-sac waitin' on one person. Sorry neighbors.

We got to the Drive In just a little after 9 and the line was already out to the road. The whole point of me leavin' so early is so I can avoid that long line, because the process of actually gettin' in the gate is a long one (when you're in an old ass car that wants to overheat). After about 5 minutes in line I had to turn the heat on so Bess could cool down a bit...awesome. Thankfully the line moved a little faster than past years, but I was sweatin' my ass off by the time we made our way down the hill.

Once I figured out where I was gonna park, my car just kinda died. She was done. THEN some parkin' nazi comes up and tells me I gotta move over, I'm crossin' the yellow line, takin' up more space than I should. I wanted to tell him to go kick some fuckin' rocks. My car was DONE for a while...let the bitch rest, DAMN....but I just gave him my best evil eye and got back in my car. I had 5 gallons of pink drink in my trunk waitin' on me and the longer I stood there and argued with the dude, the longer it would've taken for me to get to it.

Fifteen minutes later and with the help of some boys pushin', I successfully moved Bess over the 4 inches the parkin' nazi insisted upon.....then I decided I wanted to turn my car around to face the other direction. Poor girl. By 9:30 I got my shit situated and started my first cup of the pink drink.

Over the next hour, the people poured in and we actually managed to all park together this year.....

For some crazy reason, I just didn't take as many pictures as I usually do. Normally I have well over 300 pictures for the two days. Even though it was only one day this year, I think I only took just over 60. Nuts.

So here's some of them......

Two of my favorite people....

Rock 'n Roll Tiger......

Drunk bitches....

Bess makin' boys look tough....

Wanda Jackson.

Gettin' purdy...

Part of the parkin' lot......

The only one of us that actually represented.....
More bitches......

Cars....

More cars.....

Bikes and cars....

I sure do wish I had one of these to take with me every year so I could just stay the night....

My hot ass man....

The lovely view of Mt. Trashmore....

The crowd......

Our awesome ghetto grill....

Then end....