Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My 15 Minutes (Part Deux)

As I left off in my last post, we were all starving by the time makeup and hairs were done, but we were off to set. Thankfully Jenn (who saved me more than once in this whole experience) had a box of Uncrustables and gave me one to keep me going. That shit was like lobster and filet mignon all rolled up in one.

This is where I will proceed with caution as to not have Mr. Gene Shhhhhh...... (look, here he is in action!).....
.....come down on me. We were told many many times no pictures on set and to keep the storyline to ourselves. Really, it ain't like I signed anything in blood, but out of respect for my new BFF Robbie (yes, we're tight like that....no "Mr. Zombie" for me! Psshht...as if) I will tiptoe here.

We enter the big old ass awesome barn in darkness. The inside was insane awesome. It was all done up for one big ol' party to include a band and all. As I first went in, I was put towards the back in corner and I remember saying "nobody puts baby in the corner" and I headed up more towards the front.
The music the band played wasn't exactly my thing, though they really sounded awesome. I can most definitely understand why they were chosen. Jesse Dayton, the singer for "Capt. Clegg and the Night Creatures", says on his myspace blog that the music was a true first for him describing it as "60's go-go rock and rockabilly with a Bakersfield country sound". The songs were catchy for sure, but what song wouldn't be after you've heard it a dozen times over and over?
For hours and hours and hours, we shot the same couple scenes over and over while shakin' our asses and pretending to sip on beer (mmm.....nearbeer...as if real beer ain't bad enough) from plastic cups that people had slobbered on, spit in and lord knows what else. I say they shoulda really handed out two shots of liquor to everyone to loosen us all up and really produce a good ass shakin' time, but whatever. I'm no pro.
As it all goes, we'd start and stop. Then we would start and stop again. Everytime they would yell cut we had to be silent so Mr. Zombie.....errr...I mean Robbie could readjust whatever needed readjustin'. If we didn't quiet down enough, Mr. Gene Shhhhhh would tell everyone to "SSSSHHHHHH". I eventually went up to him and asked if he graduated from the School of Ssshhhhology. I got no answer. Just a cute little look. I followed up with "Let me guess...you got your degree in Ssshhhhoosyomouth.....how much does that pay"? I was promptly told that if I didn't watch it I was gonna get "Ssshhhoosed of the set". Well it was on from then on. Everything was SSSsssshhhhh. A friend of mine, John and I, couldn't stop. He seriously had me about to pee in my pretty pretty princess dress. Try being quiet when you laughin' so hard you're about to pop a vein!


I was pretty sure that I wasn't really gonna be in any of the shots during these scenes. Well my hair may have made an appearance, but not much else. That was until one scene where I was bored of dancin' the same 'ol way so I had my back turned towards the band and I was humpin' a podium and got my hair pulled for the kazillionth time. I turned around yelling "DAMMIT" only to see one of the famous people and a camera right there in my face. Ooops. Sorry about that.

We finally got to take a break to eat. I have no idea what time it was. It seemed like it was midnight, but when we walked outta the barn it was still daylight. The line was soooo long.


The food was pretty good. There was chicken and ribs of some sort, salads (MMMM!), steamed carrots and okra, breads and desserts. I know there was more, but I can't remember.

We had about an hour break to eat and rest our feet. Me feet totally needed a break. Even though I wore my most comfy creepers, they were still totally killing me.

Before we went back to set I finally needed to pee. I had dreaded going to the bathroom in that dress. Even though they had those really awesome fancy potty trailers, the toilet areas were kinda small and there wasn't anything small about my dress. It was quite the experience. I had to pull up my dress and pull my underwear down before I could back into the bathroom. I could just barely get the door shut. Yeah, it was awesome!

Back to set we went for more of the same. I don't think I have anything fancy to tell about it. By now, it's all kinda a blur.

Later that night, we got to shoot at side and that was awesome fun....but you'll have to come back to read about it!

AND....Even more pictures! These are GREAT!!!

Monday, March 30, 2009

My 15 Minutes (Part One)

Rumors were runnin' like crazy that there were gonna be way more people show up to be extras for Rob Zombie's H2 than were needed and that it would be sort of a "first come first serve" type thing.

We were told to show up at the Drive In at 7:30 a.m. Tuesday. I had my tookis there at 6:30. I had taken the days off work and I'd be damned if I'd hauled my ass outta bed that early and had my mom drive 45 minutes to my house at the ass crack 'o dawn to take the kids to school for nothin'.
When I pulled up to the gate, I was quickly recognized as the "girl with the hair". God if I just got paid every time someone said something about my hair! I was check off a list and given my name tag.
When I got there it was still dark and there was only small handful of people. THAT was rumor number one.
Three tour buses full of extras left around 7:45 a.m. (with a fourth one to head back later) to head for Newborn, GA. It took about an hour to get to the location. On the bus we were given forms to fill out so we could get paid and everyone was given a piece of colored tape according to what type of makeup the would be getting. There was heavy makeup (weird noses, eyebrows, worms crawlin' out ya face whatever), light makeup for heavily tattooed people (me) and full body for those that would go nekkid. The girl sitting next to me went for full body. She said I should too....."you only live once". My response? "Yeah, so does everyone else here and they don't need to see that shit in their one lifetime".

Once at the location, we all got on our costumes and got in line for makeup. I had my hairs did first before I put on the dress from hell though. There was a lot of teasing and about a can of aquanet. Next came the sticks, vines, moss, dirt and bobby pins. After hair, I needed makeup and the line was insane long. YAY for lines. It kept going......and going......
and going....
The Splatter Cinema/Spook Show guys had about 3 hours to have 200-300 (I suck at guesstimating) people airbrushed and ready to be on set by 1:00 p.m. Those guys busted that shit out! What a kick ass job they did too! Because the inner squirrel in me wouldn't let me stay in line for more than a few minutes at a time, I ended up being at the back and by the time it was my turn for makeup, I think they were airbrushed out. I got a swoosh of pink and purple at my eyes and was scooted along the way. In a sea of monsters, zombies, and other scary shit there was me....the pretty pretty princess. I thought it was pretty freakin' fantastic.

By the time we were all done with makeup, we were all starving and ready to eat before we got on the set. I thought it'd be pretty dern interesting to see some of these people eating with all the shit all over their faces. As it turned out though, it would be a long time before we ate. We went straight to the set and the party began......

To be continued......

Monday, March 23, 2009

It Hurts

Tomorrow's the first day of the H2 filming so I needed to try on the dress I planned to wear to make sure it fit ok in all the right places. Whoever had it before me was a chunky chick with no boobs so she had taken it in and added those little chicken cutlet things. Well, this chunky chick has major boobs so I thought at the very least, I would need to take the extra padding out. Once I got it on though, that extra padding just pushed my boobs way up so I decided I'd leave it.

After about 15 minutes in the dress, I was sweating and ridiculously uncomfortable. It has so much boning in it that it keeps you painfully sitting up straight. I just sat on the couch miserable thinking there is NO WAY I can be in this thing for 10-11 hours, two days in a row. Then another thought occurred to me.....don't they usually have portapotties on movie sets? Uh yeah, I don't think that dress was made for people that pee.....like ever. Hell, I don't even know that I could fit in a portapotty with that dress. I can see it now. One person's gonna have to hold the door open for me, I'm gonna have to hike up the back of the dress and slowly back in while another person holds the dress for me. Holy Jesus......

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Disturbing

You know, I saw a man takin' a poo on the side of the road once. I was on my way to work. I was minutes from Buckhead (one of Atlanta's rich people neighborhoods). Dude just pulled his pants down, squatted and pooed. Then he stood up and pulled his pants up. For a brief moment I thought about turning around gettin' outta my car and telling him what a disgusting waste he was. I didn't. I wanted to go to Starbucks before work and didn't have time to do both. Plus, I didn't want to possibly die or get cooties. Either one....ewww.


I thought about that man again this morning. The image of his bare ass squatting there on the side of the road still haunts me. It was so disturbing.
That got me to thinking of other things that disturb me equally as bad.
The smell of my feet after I have worn shoes barefooted is pretty damn disturbing and at times vomit inducing. I hate wearing socks. I love just slipping on a pair of shoes and goin' about my business, but then at the end of the day I wished I hadn't. Good lord the smell. Awful. Then, all those pretty little cheap socks with skulls and such on them, they make my feet stinky after a while too. If I have to wear socks, those are the one's I want to wear. Dammit. So I have to buy expensive socks, all cotton socks. So my feet don't stink. Disturbing.

Another thing that has been disturbing me is all the leaves that flutter around on the road as I'm driving. Just about every time one of those little leaves makes it out in front of me I panic for just one second thinking it's a lizard or something and I'm about to help it meet its maker.

What's wrong with me? I think my brain is on holy mother overload and it's starting to freak out a little. How can I even compare the man pooing on the side of the road with my sometimes horribly stinky feet and leaves that I mistake for lizards? To me, those are all equally disturbing. Each of them take up the same amount of the disturbing file I have tucked away in my brain.

Retarded I tell ya. Just retarded.



P.S. I like steak. A lot.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

You Only Live Once....

.....So live it up I say!

Yesterday I got an email from my friend Lisa that said Rob Zombie was filming parts of his next movie H2 here in Atlanta and was looking for extras. All you needed to do was send an email with your phone number, height, size clothes you wear and a few pictures of yourself.

As awesome as I thought it would be to be an extra in the film, my initial reaction was "I'd never get chosen, plus I gotta work". The more I thought about it, the more I figured why not? They worst I could get is no response or a direct no and I could handle both. Doesn't hurt to try (that seems to be a common thought these days!). I have plenty of vacation days ahead of me and what an awesome experience this could be. I've only got one life to live and I'm gonna live it up!

So, I sent in all the info and got a response asking if I had a costume I could wear. Uh, well....let's see.....I have a Strawberry Shortcake costume from my slighty skinnier days (which I would gladly squeeze my honkin' ass into) and I have a huge, obnoxious, ridiculous tangerine prom like dress. Did I mention that it was huge? and tangerine?

When I checked my email this morning I had another email saying I had been chosen to be an extra and they wanted me to wear the dress and to expect an email later this week with all the details. HOW FREAKIN' AWESOME IS THAT!?!?!?!
I can guarantee that if I don't make it onto the big screen, you will most definitely see my dress. I did tell you it was huge and tangerine right? Oh yeah, it has sparkles too! Maybe I'll even wear my rollerskates. Hmmm.

On a totally different subject, but still on the "livin' it up" subject, the ad for our show that will run in Prick is finished! Brandy did such an awesome job on it! She had a lot of info to fit in a small area, but it looks sweet! I can't wait to have a color version of it!
It's crazy how things are movin' right along! Life is good....and WAY freakin' awesome! We're only here for a short time so live life with no regrets. Love your family and friends. Don't let the man bring you down. Good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those that get off their asses and go get 'em!

Word!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Hey Dood, Why You Wanna Be So Gross?

Men have mirrors. Right?


Then why does this happen.....
I've seen the most "business" of business men with eyebrows like that. Don't get me wrong. That shit is AWESOME on your old ass retired grandpa, but a man that's still out there workin' in a white collar world....not so much. Is there a secret society of high powered white collar men with crazy ass eyebrows and only the craziest of eyebrows are allowed to know the secret handshake?

Why not just trim them suckers? Why? I'm DYING to know.

Then, there's this.....



Dang doooood......don't you know boogies can hang on that? That ain't pretty. Girls are gonna see that and turn the other way. You got a mirror right?

My J's even been guilty peepin' nose hairs. I used to get all close too him and gaze into his handsome face, I'd go in for the kill all like I was gonna smooch him and at the last minute, *BAM* I'd yank those little peepin' hairs. That's what he gets for havin' peepin' nose hairs!

Last, but not least while I'm on my rant about men....there is THIS...SERIOUSLY? I'm gonna stand here and listen to you talk and you're gonna stand there and rearrange or scratch your boys? NOOO! You're wife/girlfriend may LOVE to see you manhandle your ding ding, but I don't. What would a man think if I stood there and fondled my crotch while he talked to me? All jokes aside. He'd think I had crabs or a horrible infection or a brain concussion. You just shouldn't do it unless your alone or in the privacy of your own home. I'm just sayin'.

We girls have come up with all sorts of ways to handle ourselves if a situation arises......down there. There's the sit down and scootch over to the edge of your chair move. There's the squeeze your thighs together real tight move and my favorite is the "walk". The walk is awesome. I wish I could show, you, but since I'm on the computer I can't. Let's just say it would fit right up there Monty Python's funny walking people. It gets the job done and........at least we ain't walkin' around fiddlin' ourselves in front of everybody.

I'm not kidding. Y'all men need to stop, look in the mirror. You got eyebrows that look like armpit hairs? Get scissors....trim them bitches. You got hairs peekin' out your nose or ears? They make these things called nose hair trimmers. It works wonderfully. Next, stand there in front of your mirror and grab your ding ding. For one second think about what it looks like to a woman. It looks like you got a little ding ding. Yes, yes it does. So save the touchin' of yourself for YOURSELF.

Thank you,

Management

Monday, March 16, 2009

PMS to the Nth Degree

You know, I remember the days when PMS was only something whiny pain in the ass girls got. The one's that just needed an excuse to stay at home from school because they've got cramps. The one's that bitch and moan and treat everyone like shit to only turn around a few days later and say they were "PMS'n". I hated those girls. I just wanted to tell them to stop their freakin' moanin' and have fun.

Then I had kids and now I get PMS.
It's not just a three day inconvenience anymore. It's terrible. My bones ache and I'm more than my usual slightly irritated and move more towards the "don't even look at me" irritated. It's ridiculous.
When did this happen to me? When did I become one of "those" girls? It pretty much ruined my Saturday night. I just wanted to go home and I did at 8:30 leaving J to find himself a way home. It was so bad that I didn't care about any St. Patty's Celebration. The bar was overly smokey and every time another person lit another cigarette I wanted to smash their face into the bar. Really rational right? Whatever. PMS does not equal rational.....or anything near it for that matter.
The PMS continued on to Sunday. Just a general "I don't give a shit" irritated attitude. I didn't want to be spoke to or looked at. So of course J and I argued all day. Why don't men get it? Women BLEED for days on end. Let us have our time. Don't feed into it and make it worse. Just smile and say "sure, whatever sweet tits". Don't be a dick. That'll get you no where. I have an excuse to be a bitch. I'm bleeding like a stuck hog. You have no excuse so shut up.
Oh god, what is happening to me? I AM one of "those" girls!

What's even worse though is that here I am going on Day 3 of PMS. Yes, day 3.....this morning I got in a fight with a pack of Hello Kitty gum. I decided to wipe off the top of the microwave and in the process knocked the gum to the floor. I bent down, picked it up and went back to cleaning. I knocked the gum off again, picked it up again, knocked it down a THIRD time at which time I am now totally yelling and cussing at these little Japanese sized packs of gum. Yes, yelling at gum. I'm THAT awesome.

So, I leave the house. I'm doing fine. I've gotten over my episode with the stupid gum. Both the kids are now at school and I'm heading to work. Then, I get stuck behind some asshat driving jeep with a wheel cover that has a dew rag wearin', 5 o'clock shadow havin' smiley face on it. Since when do smiley faces have freakin' beards? That smiley face was taunting me. I'm not kidding. It hated me and I hated it back and I couldn't get around it!!!!! I wanted to run this dude off the road because that stupid smiley face.
Now I'm done. The story just ends, because that's the way I'm gonna roll today.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

An Open Letter to Nose Spray

Dear Nose Spray,

I had been longing for you so much lately. It had been increasingly more difficult to breathe from my nose and I knew you were the only thing that can make it go away. Even when I am at my strongest and my nose only whistles when I breathe, I can at least breathe, but not so much these past couple weeks.
I held strong nose spray, but your pull was too much for me to bare. I broke down and used you despite the fact that the thought of going back to you sent nervous ticks throughout me. I knew with just a couple squirts, I will be free to breathe again. I knew I would regret it in the end though, because I know it will never last and you will leave me always wanting more.
You have this horrible taste that gags me everytime I snort you up my nose. As you hit the back of my throat, first comes the gagging and wretching, then the tears start streaming down my face as I grasp the kitchen sink hoping I don't throw up. Minutes later however, I am free. So what if I can't smell anything or taste anything, I can breathe again!
The worst thing about you nose spray is when I realize for the 1,oooth time that you're simply no good for me and I need to quit you. You dig your nose spray like talons in and make it damn near impossible. Even though whatever nose stopping up virus I had has been gone for DAYS, I can only go a few hours without you before I realize I simply can't make it. I need you like a camel needs his humps. I can't live without you! What are you doing to me?
In the end I suffer it out. It's not like I'm getting much sleep these days anyhow. I'm stronger than you in the end! I can do it! I can quit you! You wait and see!
Just give me a couple more days.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Getting Old....Revisted...Again

You ever go to a bar and see a 40 something year old lady all bein' loud and shakin' her boobs and stuff? You know you have and you know it's sad and totally disturbing. I mean, I'm totally that chick now, but I'm just in my baby year 30's.

Here's my question.....At what age are you really crossing the line? I always feel kinda bad for "those" ladies. I wanna sit them down and tell them, "People aren't watchin' you because they find your floppin' flapjacks arousing, they're watching you like they would watch a train wreck. They just can't look away from the tragedy". That would be mean though right? Who am I to judge how a lady gets her kicks? But really, 40 is NOT the new 30.....there comes a time in all of our lives when you just gotta hang your boobs up and give 'em a rest.

I started thinking about this today because our annual St. Patty's drunken day is this weekend and I'm not sure I'm totally up for it. Every year we go to Johnnie MacCracken's on the square and get totally pissed. It's the most fun you can have with your clothes on. Even though last year, well...nevermind. Although I won't divulge on that story, I will tell you that last year I drank so much I got lost and I've been to MacCracken's MANY, MANY times. Like a kazillion times over the years. Yep, totally LOST. Well, not totally, I was just out back in the alley, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out how to get back where I had just come from.

Anyhow. This year I'm just not as excited as usual. I dread the crowd. I dread all the people bumping into me. I dread all the people touching my hair (this pushed my over the edge a couple weekends ago). I dread wreaking of cigarettes and stale beer. At least I rarely have hangovers so that's not on my list of dreads.

Seriously though. Am I getting old? It seems like the the list of dreads is kinda outweighing the rest. Am I already one of "those" ladies? Is my inner self filling me with all this dread because it's trying to tell me something? I have no idea. I do know however that this Saturday you will most likely find me at MacCracken's, Lord knows how deep in Irish car bombs, checkin' underneath kilts trying to answer that age old question and I'll for sure be all loud and shakin' my boobs and stuff!

(Last year....they really don't wear anything under there!)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

My Secret's Out. I'm Eight Months Pregnant.

I know, I know. I haven't told anybody, because, well......it's totally not true. However, should I have a high school reunion come up outta no where, that's totally what I'm telling everybody!


Tonight, I needed to figure out what I'm wearing to a wedding tomorrow. I have an awesome pencil skirt (which is short enough to show the kick ass scab on my knee from when I fell on the ice!), a burgundy sexy satiny pin-up style shirt that the girls TOTALLY look fantastic in, fishnet stockings and my favorite slut shoes. I NEVER dress up like this so I was pretty excited when I headed for the mirror. Looking straight on in the mirror....dead sexy bitches! DEAD SEXY! Then I turned to the side to check out my ass and I instead noticed my..... big... 'o ...belly. It was all "HEELLLOOO" (my belly has and Irish accent). My belly has obviously gotten jealous of the bootiliciousness of my behind when I wear my butt panties, so it figured it was time to pick up the pace and catch up. That thing sticks out WAY more than my ass now. Granted I have no ass, but DAAAAMN! Good job, belly, good job! Super high fives for you.

I of course immediately headed downstairs to show J. I came prancing into the living room like I was all hot as shit and said, "Check this out." and as I turned the corner said "I'm 8 months pregnant". I turned to the side and bikety BAM there that shit was. J said "wow, I had a vasectomy like 7 years ago....who's the dad? Ok, he didn't say that, but he did say we both REALLY need to start exercising. My response? "FUCK exercise....that shit's for hippies". That's pretty much my response to anything I don't wanna do. Damn hippies.


Seriously, I've put on the lbs. in the last year. Like 35 pounds probably. I don't really know, I don't ever get on a scale. I've always just rolled with the punches. I get bigger, I go buy bigger clothes.....and spanx. To me, I'm always awesome no matter what. Even more, I'm always awesome to J no matter what.

So what if I'm gettin' all chubby and shit? Um, no. Chubby was like 15 pounds ago. Now, it's just plain 'ol fat. I think I first realized it when I started wearing gutsuckers (spanx) all the time. ALL the time. Not just for certain pants anymore....it's EVERYDAY now and let met tell you, those things suck ass.


I guess it's time. I need to straighten my ass out. No more pilin' a plate full of country fried goodness and smotherin' it in white gravy. No more printing out 10 free pints of Ben and Jerry's coupons and headin' to Kroger, no more mass consumption of gin.....ok, so maybe not so much on the last one, but seriously, the time as come. I gotta lose weight. I can't be walkin' around lookin' all pregnant and shit.


Fat Jessica is goin' back to chubby Jessica......you watch. You'll see.







P.S. Anybody know of a doctor that will prescribe me fat crack? No, I'm kidding....but seriously, does anybody?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawdy

I have totally neglected my blog, I know. I've been so busy elsewhere that sometimes I feel like my head may fall off at any minute from all the spinning and now I'm sick on top of it all.
Once I get home, go over school stuff with kids, hang with kids, yell at kids, talk about the day's developments with J and cook and clean, I get busy organizing BWB stuff and doing my part in planning one hell of a party we plan on having May 16th at the Last Great Watering Hole in Tucker. Thank the Lord for J. He's been unbelievably patient and helpful. Once the kids go to bed it's usually veg on the couch together time, but not so much lately.
As busy as I've been with this, I'm not the only one working on it at this point and would have probably fallen over dead already if I were. Stacy has been up to her ears in it too and without her, it wouldn't be half of what it's gonna be! All the bitches are gonna really come together for this and it's gonna be infreakinsane! You're not gonna want to miss it!
Click here to see what we've got it the works so far! We'll post details as we get them all worked out.......

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