Skip to main content

The Stand In.....

Crisis averted......she totally fell for it.....or at least she pretended to.

This is how it all went down.....

I stopped at TJ Maxx on the way home and grabbed this way cute little elf. There's a whole lotta cuteness to match it that I wanted to buy too, but this is one broke bitch, and the elf was a necessity.

I got home and said to the girl, "I got the weirdest voicemail today at work. It said.....Collect call from the North Pole, press 1 to accept". Keep in mind that I am the WORLD'S WORST liar. This was no small feat for me. The girl was all, "MOM!!! That coulda been Little Jimmy callin' to explain why he ain't here on time, and YOU missed the call!"......

"Ain't no way it can be this easy" I thought. There is NO way the girl's fallin' for this shit. She calls me out on EVERYTHING and she don't do it subtly. She all bob's her head and holds up that one finger sayin' she ain't no dummy.....she's always on to me. It was really strange how she was just fallin' for it all.....

So, once I was certain she was fast asleep, I pulled out stand-in elf (which I named Pistu (peestoo) after a boy's imaginary friend in a book I recently read), got a piece of paper and started to think of what to write for an explanation as to why this freakish lookin' elf is here in place of Little Jimmy.

I feel that any time you can teach a kid a lesson, you should., so I could come up with somethin' that could learn the kid somethin'. You know, somethin' that the girl would think "wow, if it can happen to one of Santa's elves, it can happen to ANYONE!"

Hmmm.....

Little Jimmy had one too many at the good ol' North Pole bar and was in a drunk drivin' accident that luckily he survived, but just barely so he's in the hospital until he heals and once he does he's goin' to jail......

Little Jimmy fell prey to an online stalker that had finally convinced him to meet him in person.......

Little Jimmy took some drugs an elf friend gave him and has been hallucinating and pickin' at his face for the past 3 weeks and lost his job because of it.......

Ok, so maybe usin' a Christmas Elf to teach some sorta lesson ain't the best idea I've ever had. Obviously, the girl wants to believe in this whole elf that reports to Santa nightly thing so much that she's goin' along with all my lies. There ain't NO WAY in hell she doesn't know what's really up. No way! So if the kid wants to believe in magic and fantasy who the hell am I to ruin it for her with stories of drunk drivin', internet pervs or drugs? She can just go right on believin' because I ain't gonna be the one to fuck it all up for her......well, at least not until she gets into middle school anyhow.

So the story goes.....Little Jimmy's ol' lady Aimee had their first baby so Lil' Jim couldn't make it. He's sorry and hopes the kids won't be too disappointed. Yeah. So goes the story.

Now, I'm totally not a mornin' person. I just wanna do what I gotta do and not be looked at or talked to. I knew this mornin' though that the girl was gonna have some talkin' to do havin' seen this new stand-in. I had to gear myself up for it.

I walk into the kitchen and the second the girl hears me she yells, "MOM! I know what that call you got at work yesterday was about!" I say "call? what call?". She says, "you know the one that was from the North Pole! Come see! He looks weird! It's a different elf! Come see! There's even a note!" I ask what the note says.....she says "I dunno, I can't read cursive yet!". I grumble and stomp....just a little.....and head towards the livin' room tyrin' to pretend I'm as shocked and as excited as she is. Did I mention that I'm totally not a morning person?

Crisis averted.

Comments

omg best post ever. i'm in love with this elf thing you have going on and actually just went from silent to a quick, loud burst of laugh at work and everyone kinda looked over at me weird, but i couldnt help it. so glad you could keep the fantasy alive... my parents still pretend theres a santa and the youngest sibling is 23! we all still play along because its just that fun. there's one detail im still waiting for... that the note said?
Thanks Jenn!

I had to write the letter over and over. I kept tryin' to write a story or somethin' that would've sounded a bit strange to a kid. I finally settled on.....somethin' like:

My name is Pistu. I am Little Jimmy's cousin. Little Jimmy couldn't make it this year, because his wife Aimee had their first baby. Little Jimmy is very sorry he couldn't make it, but I promise I will do the best job that I can for him. I hope you are not too disappointed.

Popular posts from this blog

June 28 - I Heart Faces Pet Entry

I know, I know....it's be FOREVER since I last posted, but life has majorly gotten in the way. Lots and lots of ups and downs....well mostly downs, but who am I to complain? ....and I'm totally not about to be a Debbie Downer and start whinin '..... that'll come later...I promise.....I'm doin ' this here post ' cuz I wanna have an awesome picture of our ol ' Wheezy Lee and Vin to be posted on the I Heart Faces Blog . It's my first time and Lord knows I probably ain't gonna get it right the first 1,600 times I try, but I'm gonna give it a go anyhow. Despite life totally suckin ' these days, I do have a constant source of entertainment....when she's not being a total crappin ' machine that is..... I introduced Wheezy Lee to y'all a while back and she's been growin ' like mad. To catch you up on everything you've missed, she hates swimmin ' despite my best efforts....she refuses to be crate trained.....she th

East Atlanta Strut 2010

I've been sewin' my fingers off tryin' to get ready for the East Atlanta Strut . It was the first show I had ever done and it was a BLAST! Bein' used to your standard kinda craft shows, you know the ones.....wood cut into silly stuff, marsh mellow guns, lace and potpourri, you can imagine my excitement when I was accepted to do the Strut, which ain't your mama's craft show. After three years, I've decided to give it a go again. I've really focused on my bears since that's what I really enjoy makin' and it's what everyone seemed to like best. You definitely won't find anything else like 'em out there! They're all sad lookin' and junk.....and people wanna hug 'em when they see 'em. I started sewin' these guys three years ago and after readin' an article in a magazine about a man that went to war, was burned badly while there and came home to his finance, married her and made babies with her despite all his s

Fluffidermy!

I would say 90% of my friends are into buyin' taxidermy. The stuff that lined the walls of my family's homes is more popular than ever! The difference bein' that my family shot that junk themselves and proudly displayed their trophies and ate the rest.... Seein' as how the closest I get to huntin' is huntin' the best deals possible on groceries and I can barely afford toilet paper these days taxidermy ain't gonna find itself to the already awesome walls of my house anytime soon. HOWEVER...... You know, I've been makin' my Battle Scrarred Bears again and in the midst of all the hubub over taxidermy, I decided to start puttin' their sweet little heads on plaques.....and voila!......my own dadgum taxidermy........FLUFFIDERMY!!! I've seen lots of other crafty made....uhhhh....idermy, and even proudly display feltidermy by girlsavage on one of my walls. Fluffidermy is my spin on the awesome that is stuffed craft ...idermy!.....and dammit....ev