Monday, December 29, 2008

Christmas Is Over Bitches.....

This year we wanted to have a party with all of our friends that was all about Christmas. Atleast the food, presents, and drinkin' part of Christmas anyways. Amazingly enough, pretty much everybody did bring food and some dang good food at that! I love food. Have I mentioned that before?

We had so much freakin' food it was insane. I wish I had gotten a picture of all of it, but I just got this one from early on. We wanted to wait until most everybody got there before we started eating. Everybody did different things to pass the time. Some slept.....

Some practiced the newest gang signs from the "Gang Signs for Dummies" book they got for Christmas.....

.....and when he realized he hadn't gotten past chapter two of the book, he moved on to other things to do to pass the time......
Seriously, you gotta know not to pass out in a room full of people. Even if it's your friends, because even your own friends can be evil.....
Once most everyone arrived and we all had food in our bellies, it was time to open gifts. We did the white elephant gift exchange, which I'm not positive on the rules so I just kinda made 'em up as we went. There were so many people in the living room that seats were kinda hard to come by so everybody had to really squeeze in....
Seriously, EVERYONE was wearing black. Next year, that ain't gonna fly. I think I'll tell everyone they have to wear Christmas sweaters. Yep. The first name I drew was my brother's girlfriend, John (named chaged to protect her identity, even though it's what I called her all night long anyhow). It was their first time at one of our little get togethers....I hope they're not scarred. She don't look scarred.....
The gifts kept gettin' better and better. This was a box slap ass full of trucker hats.....
This old ass oil can seemed to be what everyone wanted. Chewy (name not changed to protect her identity) was the first to get it and she didn't have it for long.....
This was by far one of the awesomest gifts that nobody wanted.....look, it's a big floating pink star! Ha! Ha! When my mom saw this picture that's what she thought it really was! She didn't realize what it was covering.Yes, that is a speciman cup. It's actually a candle. Too bad it was unscented. I personally thought it should smell like asparagus.
Here's MeMe and her cute new boyfriend.....
and here's my brother. First the 40 came outta the bag, them came the lime green butt bead lookin' scarf. He was sure to pull it out nice and slow.....
This book was AWESOME! Once everyone finished opening gifts, we should've left it on the bathroom counter for the boys to play with. The best page in the book was a fireman holding a hose and you can guess where the pokey part was. The look on the fireman's face was priceless.
This was my FAVORITE gift of the night. I was told by the naughty school teacher that bought it that her gift was gonna be the best. I told her she was wrong. There was no way she was gonna out do my speciman cup candle. She totally did. Dammit. I had this sweet ass (ha! ha! Get it? Ass?) for a brief minute, but it totally got jacked from me. Bastard.
I did get a pretty sweet gift though......clappin' hands all glitterfied and the pinstriped metal thingy. I think they'll both look pretty sweet hangin' up in the house.
and the final owner of the much saught after oil can......
This boy was pretty serious about his gift.....
.....and the soft furry butt bead scarf made it's way around. Boy the stories I could tell....
Everybody got pretty tired of the swapping pretty quick and we all headed back down to the garage. You know how most people at parties tend to hang around in the kitchen? Not at our house. It could be 16 degrees below zero and everybody would be in the garage.....

Look, there I am in my sweet ass party pants. I may have been wearin' a black shirt like everybody else, but it was 100% party below the belly. Awesome right? They'd been way awesomer if I had had my butt panties.

I'm not sure what time I made it upstairs to bed, but I atleast had the forthought to clean a bit before I did. You know when you get really drunk at a bar and go home with someone that you think's smokin' hot, but when you wake up next to them the morning and think "Aw shit! I came home with THIS!?!?!"....well that's never happend to me, but the closest I get to it is the feeling I get when I wake up the next mornin' and see a big fat mess left over from the night before.

This my friends is what I believe did me in.......Satan was in that bottle......
Yep, that's definitely, what did me in. Well, that an the gin and tonic minus the tonic that I had....
Our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches party was awesome and we'll totally do it again next year! You better start shoppin' for your Christmas sweater now!

I Hit A Wall Today

I was sittin' here just workin' along then BAAAAM I hit a stupid wall. I'm pooped. Pooped totally. No more el worko for me-o. Can't do it. My eyes don't wanna stay open. I feel like barfing up my lunch. Not sure why, maybe because it would wake me up for a minute or maybe it's because I ate an onion sammich for lunch. I dunno.

I think it's time to hang up my awesome party pants for a minute or two. I'm about partied out. This was the first Christmas that everything was at our house. All the shopping, all the preparation, all the cookin' and cleanin' and all with two kids that were outta school and ready for Santa. Well, one and a half kids, because the boy keeps himself entertained and stays behaved, but the girl she's a WHOLE nother story! She's like three kids all rolled into one...always attached to my hip. Right there always. There was Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Lunch/Dinner. There was my parents, his parents and maybe even y'alls parents. Then there was the other party. It was awesome. I must post pictures. That was me thinking out loud. Those may be up tomorrow. Stress on MAY.

Talking about the party....somebody left a bunch of wadded up bloody napkins in the bathroom trashcan. That shit was nasty. I curse whoever did it. So if you're the culprit and you're reading this and you have some really shit luck fall on you, maybe you should think twice about leaving an ass ton of your nasty blood in my trash can. You coulda handled that a little better yo.

Did I mention that I got butt panties for Christmas? I'm most excited about those. I totally tried to squeeze into them again thinking maybe I'd lost like 15 lbs. since the last time I tried them on. I was wrong.

Thank god there's another long weekend comin' up for the New Year. There will be no partyin' for us. We always stay home and watch the ball drop with the kids while everybody's out gettin' drunk and stupid.

I'm partied out. Tired. Way tired. My body just quit.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Santa Came to Town!

J and I woke up around 7:30 Christmas morning and the kids were still totally sacked out. I've always told them they have to wait wait until they can see sunlight before they could get outta bed. I've always worried one of them would get up after an hour of sleep thinking it had been all night and they'd totally catch Santa and Mrs. Claus putting out all the presents. But DAAANNNNGGG....we had to wake them up and it was 7:30! It was pretty cloudy out though and it had been a crazy BUSY few days, but you can bet yer ass nobody ever had to wake me up on Christmas day!

Once we got them awake, I put on my new bunny slippers and headed downstairs with the video camera.

I kinda wish I had set up the camera somewhere so I had pictures of the kids too instead of just video. I love photographs and hate that I don't have any.

Once the kids were done, J and I opened our gifts and he really did a good job this year. Not only did I get the Bitch ring he gave me a couple days ago, he also got me another ring. It's perfect! I totally forgot to take a picture of it and I'm damn near pictured out after last night...so I suck, no picture.

The best part though.....I GOT BUTT PANTIES!!!! Yes, yes I did.

They're not just padded, they're like a formed butt! Of course, I had to stop everything and put them on. Put them on is in understatement. I had to wiggle, yank and squeeze that shit on. They were so tight they cut my circulation off, but daaammmn I had a sweet juicy ass! I wanted to wear them around this house in some really tight awesome pants, but I wanted to breathe too.....I'll have to head to the mall and exchange them. So close to havin' butt panties. So close.

Since everybody loves bacon, I got J these......

Damn the smell that comes from these! I freakin' LOVE bacon! Unfortunately I totally didn't feel like makin' bacon for breakfast, because I had to clean AGAIN
and get ready for the in-laws to come over so I had left overs from Christmas Eve dinner for breakfast. Tell me that don't look awesome!
The in-laws came over around 1:30ish and again, the kids had to eat before gifts were opened so the shoveling commenced.
I love watching them open gifts, but of course, I only videotaped them again....dammit. I hate not having pictures.
Italic
Their last gift was outside in the back of their papa's truck, so I grabbed the video camera (yet again) and we headed out. Turns out we all had something outside in the cars. There was a trampoline for the kids, a bad ass tool box for J and a new dishwasher for me. Dannnngggg!

The day was a good one.
It took all of us way too long to get the trampoline up, J got all of his tools transferred to his toolbox and my new dishwasher is still downstairs in the box where it will remain for another six months. I don't know what color it is. I don't even know what kinda cool buttons it has. That's what I get for having no idea how to put in a dishwasher. I hate having to wait for someone to do something for me. Hate it. I want it done yesterday. I wonder how J would feel if I said "hey, here's your super awesome new tool boxes, BUT you can't do shit with them for the next several months. I mean hell, the tool boxes you have now get the job done good enough". Yeah, let's see how long that would last. Maybe there's some directions online that I can read so I can just do it myself.
Ok, I'm tired. I gotta stop for a few hours. Our Christmas Ain't Over Yet Bitches party was freakin' awesome. I'll get all those pictures sorted out later. I need to go eat somethin' so I can get rid of the shakes.
I meant to fit this picture of one of our pups as an end of our Christmas day, but I just don't wanna. So, here's some random cuteness.....

Friday, December 26, 2008

We're Just Gettin' Started

All successful Christmas Eve dinners start the same way......Drinks. Lots and lots of drinks.



Ok, so before DFACS comes knockin' on my door, the girl is NOT drinking beer. Her dad stopped and bought the kids a bottle of sparkling cider so they could be all fancy and stuff. Fancy...yeah. I guess if we were really fancy, they'd had champagne flutes to drink out of. At least it's not a red plastic cup.




Now, we all know that mama likes to drink and drink I did. It's my mom's fault. This year we drank some of the most awesome espresso martinis. A little Bailey's and vodka and we were well on our way.

I'm guessing it was the drinks that made this possible......




That's right........that's my my mom and J. In the SAME kitchen preparing stuff. Together. Ha! I so got that shit on film....well, not film. Digital cameras don't have film, but you get the picture. My mom was pulling lobster outta the shells and J was cuttin' it up. We had a bowl FULL of lobster. Mmmm.....lobster......
We also had beef tenderloin and I used a meat thermometer. You wanna talk about fancy, THAT my friends is fancy. For me, the way to cook any good cut of beef is about 2-3 minutes on each side. The bloodier the better. I love meat. Ha, Ha....I said I love meat.


Cooking and drinking. I love food. I love drinking. AND the girl wasn't all up under my feet. Oh wait...THE GIRL'S NOT ALL UP UNDER MY FEET!!! I panicked. Where's the girl? She's not attached to me. She's not talking my ear off. Oh hell, she must be passed out in her room. What if she ran away from home thinking that I wasn' t lying and Santa really ain't comin' to see her, because she really does sass mouth too much? ....then I found this.....Papaw was reading them The Night Before Christmas. That is way too freakin' cute!


Dinner was ready by 7 and we ate. And ate, and oh wait......We ate some more. Well actually the adults ate. The kids shoveled. They know that there's no opening gifts until food is in their bellies. They still haven't realized that no matter how fast they shovel, they still gotta wait until everyone is done. So they sit there practically foamin' at the mouth, bouncin' up and down like the gotta pee real bad. It's torture and I love it.



Finally......they get to open gifts.



Then we open our gifts.

I got my mom and step dad this sweet ass sign for their lake house...err....trailer. I'm so glad I found Carey at the Edge of the Wildwood. She really did an AMAZING job and they totally LOVED it.
I got my brother a sweet luchador mask. I think his girlfriend liked it more than he did....I can only imagine....eww.....no I can't. I won't.

Around 9 o'clock we were done and the house was a mess.....again. For like the 2,000th time that day. I swear I cleaned more on Christmas Eve than I have in the passed three months. I hate cleaning. A Lot. BUT it had to be done....again. and oh shit...maybe I should get the kids in bed so I can go to sleep some time before 2 o'clock.

We got the cookies out and left carrots for Santa's reindeer and shooed the kids off to bed. By 1 o'clock my head hit the pillow and I was OUT.

Can't wait for Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Tat Party Dude

Let me start by saying, yes this is in my kitchen. Jay is a professional tattoo artist and maintains a clean sterile tattoo environment. So if any tattoo snobs are reading this, and feel the need to yack about this or that, don't bother, because I don't wanna hear it.....Now that that's over.....


The tat party started about midnight on Saturday. We were bored and Melissa thought it would be a fantastic idea to tattoo Jay. What better person to try out her first tattoo on? Really, the ONLY person who would let her do her first tattoo on them.Jay agreed to let her tattoo her name on him, but he would tattoo his on her too. It was pretty awesome. She hurt Jay...bad.....just look....only a mama could love a face like this.....
Evidently it hurts like ass to have your knee cap tattooed. Like worse than stomach being tattooed. So Jay says. I say what a sissy.
When Melissa finished and Jay quit whinin', Jay tattooed my other foot. After about my 6th speeding ticket, they always said I had a lead foot, so I figered when I got all growed up and stuff, I'd get that tattooed on my right foot. Now I'm all growed up and now I got it! WOO HOO!
It hurt. All tattoos do, down by my toes, that shit REALLY hurt. It was the kinda hurt where my body shook all weird and stuff. There was no cussing and name calling like when Brandy did my chest though, so I guess it wasn't that bad.

Jay had ALWAYS said I could tattoo him and since he loves me more than anybody ever, it wasn't fair for Melissa to tattoo him and not me. Yep, it was also My VERY FIRST TATTOO A DOIN'! I bent him over and stuck it to him real good.....All I gotta say is for the rest of Jay's life, whenever he shows is hairy little ass to people (and he does it A LOT), he'll also be showin' a wonky ass Hello Kitty tattoo......a hairy wonky ass Hello Kitty at that. Too bad the sissy wouldn't let me color in the ribbon. Sissy.
Through out all the tattooin' debauchery, these two goobs stood around and watched. I love these two goobs.Last, but not least was Melissa living up to her end of the bargain. See the satisfaction Jay's gettin'? He's all "yeah that's right...take that hooka!"Now, every time Melissa bends over and the back of her shirt comes up just oh so slightly, not only will people get an eye full of her thong, tha, thong, thong, thong, they'll see just how much "J Rules!". By the look on her face, I'm guessing it wasn't so awesome.....She's a total sissy too (I can totally say that, there's no proof that I was a sissy).
Our very first tat party was totally awesome dude. Fer sure.

.....and as promised, here's the early Christmas present J gave me. Yeah, that shit's real genUwine 14 karat gold with real diamonds. MMhhhmmmm...that's right.....gold and diamonds. They say the chick that had it before me (it totally came from a pawn shop) knocked out a few of her boyfriend's gold toofes when she beat him up and had this ring made out of them. 100% pure freakin' awesomeness.
I hope all you bitches have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS and to all my friends, I love you all and can't wait to see y'all on the 27th!

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